Wife cancelled Christmas with my family

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. It's great you are taking steps to stop letting crazy family manipulate you and contaminate and ruin your marriage and family. Also great you are participating and being supportive of your wife and child.

[ThatwasThen]

Supportive of her controlling and arbitrary ways? M'kay!

 

There is a compromise in there to be had wherein the Op doesn't have to fall into the feelings of despair she's put him in.

[Seraphim]

Ask her how she would feel if you told her you were never seeing her family ever and neither was your son . Or if you went around pushing your finger in her face and skulking about intimidating her . Something tells me she would call the cops and have you thrown out. But if she wants to deny your child his grandparents then it should be made equal and her’s should be denied as well.

 

You can also apply for sole custody. If I were you i would tape her rants. You might need it one day in court . Seriously.

[itsallgrand]

Therapy would be good for you to untangle all this.

 

I agree with that your wife sounds like your mom. It was my first thought!

 

As for this recent update, to me I agree that your wife sounds unhinged and manipulative. That'd be the day I'd sit there wringing my hands when my spouse threatens divorce and that she'd go for full custody and for the family to never see your son again. That's unacceptable, totally. You don't threaten those things unless you are prepared to have someone follow through as if you will do those things- and I would cover my ass, because that's nuts!

 

She doesn't like your family. Big deal! Not an excuse to threaten divorce nor to threaten that your kid can't know them. That's selfish af. A sane person would realize, hey, dad can go and let them visit. She doesn't have to be involved.

 

And sole custody?! Because she doesn't like your folks. Lady is crackers and not thinking of you nor your kid.

[abitbroken]

Excellent. It's great you are taking steps to stop letting crazy family manipulate you and contaminate and ruin your marriage and family. Also great you are participating and being supportive of your wife and child.

 

If you FINALLY support your wife and child and don't keep pushing your wife to include your family - it MAY HAPPEN that she decides to be inclusive of them again. I was in a very volatile family when I was married to my ex. - if the mother was polite, and respected boundaries, there would be no problems here.

 

Your mother especially has overstepped her bounds again and again. A lot of people see her as unhinged, but how your family has treated her during the pregnancy and before -- it would be time for my husband to step up and stop pushing his family on me.

 

The way to handle things going forward is to take a solo trip to see the family by himself every so often for a weekend or something with not a peep out of you to push her to convince her to see your family. and not try to convince her that they have changed when they haven't. If she sees genuine change - her phone is never blown up by mom's rants again, you dont come home from seeing them miserable because they are impossible -- she may warm up

 

It would have been the last straw for me if my mother in law told me "i didn't want to be a part of the family" because i didn't want to be in a photo tired, in my pjs with no bra on vs being respectful of me in my own home and say "i would love to have a photo of the three of you when you are ready sometime while we are here" -- when i was rested, clean and not in pajamas or entertaining them, i might oblige.

 

The OP says "family photo" -- to me, that implies a timed event with a photographer, not a snapshot. If you had something like that planned and she refused at the last minute, that would be a different story, but declining to have my tired, baby spit up stained pajamas captured on film nope.

[Shawn5]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think one of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with is how I haven’t truly listened to my wife and her feelings over the years. I have so many regrets about that. I keep beating myself up over how I could be so stupid to let things get to where they are. I haven’t been a man and prioritized my wife above all else. I worked hard to earn her trust over the last few years, and because I did not stay 100% remain vigilant, I have now lost all of it.

 

I’m back at square one, and it feels terrible and incredibly humbling. None of this is my wife’s fault. I should have stepped up as a man and husband 6 years ago. I feel deeply ashamed about this. I don’t know why it has taken the threat of divorce to wake me up but I truly feel like I have this time. I feel shaken to my core. I feel like this was the slap in the face that I needed. I’ve never felt a call to action like I do right now. I want to earn back my wife’s trust one day at a time. I want to transform into a strong man and husband, not a boy who is still easily manipulated by his parents. I have to truly accept that this is how my family is and they won’t change. I have to know in my heart that all the change that needs to happen is in me. I am so motivated, and so inspired to make real changes this time. Tragically, I don’t blame my wife for not fully believing me. I have let her down so many times. The road ahead is uncertain, and while this is hard for me to grapple with, I’m not seeking pity. I don’t deserve any. I know not all of this is my fault. I can’t change my family and their behavior is not in my control. The only thing that is in my control is learning how to accept reality for what it is, prioritize my wife and son, and continue on this journey of self healing and unfoldment. I have to hold onto the truth that if I do the right thing one day at a time I’m headed in the right direction. The rest isn’t up to me.

[Wiseman2]

Offer to go to marriage therapy with her. That may be the first step in showing her you want to rebuild with her and put your family in perspective.

[Seraphim]

Why did she cut out her own family?

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think one of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with is how I haven’t truly listened to my wife and her feelings over the years. I have so many regrets about that. I keep beating myself up over how I could be so stupid to let things get to where they are. I haven’t been a man and prioritized my wife above all else. I worked hard to earn her trust over the last few years, and because I did not stay 100% remain vigilant, I have now lost all of it.

 

I’m back at square one, and it feels terrible and incredibly humbling. None of this is my wife’s fault. I should have stepped up as a man and husband 6 years ago. I feel deeply ashamed about this. I don’t know why it has taken the threat of divorce to wake me up but I truly feel like I have this time. I feel shaken to my core. I feel like this was the slap in the face that I needed. I’ve never felt a call to action like I do right now. I want to earn back my wife’s trust one day at a time. I want to transform into a strong man and husband, not a boy who is still easily manipulated by his parents. I have to truly accept that this is how my family is and they won’t change. I have to know in my heart that all the change that needs to happen is in me. I am so motivated, and so inspired to make real changes this time. Tragically, I don’t blame my wife for not fully believing me. I have let her down so many times. The road ahead is uncertain, and while this is hard for me to grapple with, I’m not seeking pity. I don’t deserve any. I know not all of this is my fault. I can’t change my family and their behavior is not in my control. The only thing that is in my control is learning how to accept reality for what it is, prioritize my wife and son, and continue on this journey of self healing and unfoldment. I have to hold onto the truth that if I do the right thing one day at a time I’m headed in the right direction. The rest isn’t up to me.

Geezu... she has yours in her purse.

 

I know not all of this is my fault.

An understatement. Please get yourself into personal therapy so that you learn how to be a tad more assertive with YOUR WIFE and YOUR MOTHER. They both have you whipped and feeling guilty and threatened. I feel sorry for you and how you've allowed this treatment from the two of them (particularly from your wife).

 

You're whipped. Get yourself into therapy to help you to navigate the two women in your life responsible for you thinking you're some unworthy dufus.