Does he really love me or should I move on

[CMars]

Okay so my friend I’ve been hanging out told me the other day he pretty much has been in love with me since we first met back a couple years ago but he didn’t make a move or talk to me since he had a gf at the time and stuff

 

So I was like okay, he’s really nice and has been awesome I’ll give dating a go with him. I accidentally let I love you slip and when he asked me what I said I got in my car and left, the next day he came over and when he asked me what I had said and I said “I love you” oHim: “That makes me so happy you have no idea I’m not sure if I’m ready for all of this right now I need to think about things.” Okay no problem 👍🏻

Then come back the next day saying “I love you and I don’t want to be with anyone but you” things are good for a week and now he’s like “Idk if I’m ready for this”again and saying he needs to think about what he wants, he says he loves me but he is just not in a good place right now, I think maybe his Ex is messaging him or something since they broke up a few months ago. Idk we’ve talked once since the “break” and he said he misses and loves me he just is confused. Should I keep up No contact for a couple more weeks or should I just try and move on with my life? I really love him but I can’t sit here waiting and wondering if he will come back

[Wiseman2]

Is he still on/off with his gf? That often results in hot/cold stuff like this. He's already ended things because it probably is working out with his gf. Delete and block him and go no contact. That way you won't be in limbo as his backup plan if he and his gf have another break, argument, whatever.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready for all of this right now I need to think about things.”

 

he’s like “Idk if I’m ready for this”

 

he is just not in a good place right now

 

he said he misses and loves me he just is confused.

[bluecastle]

Sadly, he has repeatedly told you the most important thing you need to hear right now: that he is confused, not sure he's ready, needs time to think, and so on. Focus on that, not the "I love you" part. That doesn't mean his feelings for you aren't genuine, only that love does not work as some elixir to confusion, and confusion like his is not the stuff that leads to a stable relationship. Timing, as they say, is crucial when it comes to relationships, and this is not the right time for you guys to make a go of it.

 

Ironic as it may sound, the only way to make this work is to let go, focus on yourself, and move forward, so your emotional core and wellbeing (and his) aren't connected and dependent to being together right this second. You don't want to be the answer to someone's confusion. It's like cleaning up a mess by piling all the garbage in a closet; eventually the door will burst open, and his hot/cold behavior is essentially just that—the stuff under the rug.

 

Feelings don't dissipate just because we decide to move forward. Live long enough and, odds are, we have a few people who feel like near misses. Just one of those bittersweet facts of life. If it's meant to be it'll come back around in a way that doesn't feel forced and trigger this level of anxiety early.

[Andrina]

You took a risk and it didn't pan out. He doesn't feel 100 percent confident in dating you, so the wisest thing to do is for you to cut off contact with him. You shouldn't be waiting around for him to do his decision making, nor should you be subjected to his breadcrumbs of basically "I wish I wasn't so confused because I miss you."

 

If you're not making your own decision by telling him to not contact you anymore, you're a doormat. It's tough to go back to just being friends after you've been intimate. Your new bf won't appreciate you being buddies with an ex-lover, and when he gets a new gf, you'll be placed on the back burner, which will cause you to be upset, or he will will totally delete you from his life at that time.

 

He set this ball in motion so it's his fault things have gone the way they've gone, although saying I love you too soon can also be too much for a person to handle, so learn from that snafu. I hope you kept your own fulfilling life, spending time with other friends during this time and keeping up with activities besides your romance with him.

 

Your fate lies with someone else so time to move on. Take care.

[katrina1980]

I think what may be happening is that for a very long time, you were essentially a fantasy.

 

Since he had a gf and you were just friends, you were "safe" (emotionally). That allowed him to think about you, dream about you and, well, "love" you.

 

Once you reciprocated his feelings, the fantasy then became REALITY and that reality scares the hell out of him.

 

That's why he comes close, then pulls away claiming "confusion." Rinse repeat.

 

It IS confusing for him because he is not self-aware enough to recognize what's driving it -- which is FEAR.

 

He may be struggling with a fear of intimacy, a fear of closeness, which are very real fears for some people.

 

My guess is he did not feel this fear with his ex because his feelings for *her* were not strong enough to trigger the fear.

 

I mean he was actually in love with YOU the whole time, so how could they have been?

 

My advice would be the same as what bluecastle posted in his second paragraph -- distance yourself, let go and focus on yourself.

 

Either he will figure himself out or he won't but be careful, because once you distance yourself, he will once again feel free (emotionally) to miss you and long for you. And want to come back.

 

Then once he comes close again, the fear is triggered, he will become "confused" and want to pull away.

 

It takes a very long time for someone (like him and some others who struggle with same) to recognize these fears and resolve.

 

My own brother has been struggling with these fears for years, disappointed, hurt and confused many women because of it.

 

Good luck!

[CMars]

No he’s not he said that things have l been growing apart for awhile to the point where he talked to her about if they should break up, she then told him no but then came back the next day saying she was moving in with her mom and she didn’t want to be with him anymore, and from my knolage they haven’t spoken since

[CMars]

I appreciate you’re guys advice, I think im going to stay distant for a couple more weeks and if he’l still has to think I’m going to cut my losses and try to get on with my life, luckily I’ve been able to distract myself a little bit with my career but it’s still hard I just hate the “gray area”

[bluecastle]

Just to echo what katrina so eloquently said: do know that the odds are very, very high that a touch of distance will trigger some overtures from him.

 

We're all a bit hardwired to want what we can't have—the "safety" of fantasy vs. reality—and those who are confused/only looking at their own reality sideways are highly susceptible to being guided by this sort of wiring. So you need to keep an eye on the big picture—you, your truest needs, the fact that this only works if you both are on the same page—to keep from allowing this cycle to repeat. It takes two people to create a "gray area," after all.

 

I know how hard it is. I've been a confused, fear-driven guy in the past—and, I'm sorry to say, it didn't take a "few weeks" of reflection to untangle the knots. It took years, remains ongoing, and there were some wonderful women in my past that I just couldn't fully connect with in a way that was sustainable. Some I no longer speak with, some are close friends, some did evolve into important romances once some self-work had been done; all those experiences have taught me to love better, fuller, and richer, which sometimes means knowing when love alone is not enough.

 

Moral of the ramble: You don't find clarity in the gray area by hanging out in it. You move to black and white, whatever that means to you, so you can stay genuinely open to whatever comes instead of trying to bend reality into a more soothing (if unattainable) shape.

[CMars]

Yeah a big thing I’m afraid of,is this becoming a pattern, I told him I’m not going to be the girl that is going to wait around and be okay with the hot and cold game, I know what I want and that’s someone who I can work with to build eachother up and have a future with. So I definitely don’t plan on waiting forever.

[CMars]

Yeah a big thing I’m afraid of,is this becoming a pattern, I told him I’m not going to be the girl that is going to wait around and be okay with the hot and cold game, I know what I want and that’s someone who I can work with to build eachother up and have a future with. So I definitely don’t plan on waiting forever.

[Wiseman2]

No go no contact or you will be "the girl that is going to wait around". Why give him all the power to make your decisions?

I told him I’m not going to be and be okay with the hot and cold game, I know what I want and that’s someone who I can work with to build eachother up and have a future with.

[reinventmyself]

In situations like this I default to the idea that `If they really cared, they wouldn't risk losing you to begin with'

 

Carry on. Head high.

[bluecastle]

Exactly.

 

We've all been in versions of this, and hopefully we learn from them. People respond to affirmation. When dealing with someone in the "I love you but I'm confused" state it's easy to trick yourself into thinking you're being patient, noble, holding the space so they can enter it, whatever. You kind of mentally highlight the good moments ("I love you," affection) and downplay the negatives ("I'm in weird place," sudden distance).

 

But really what you're doing is coddling a dynamic, deepening it into a pattern, sowing the seeds of resentment and anxiety that will bubble up along the way. It's a foundation held together by bubble gum, at best, which doesn't do anyone any favors once things get real.

[CMars]

Yeah I have had the feeling that If he did care for me as much as he said he did, there wouldn’t be much to think about. I understand I was a “vision” to him but I feel like the fact that I reciprocated those feelings shouldn’t scare him, I think I’m going to contact him tell him I’m not waiting for answer anymore, I’m going to try and get on with my life and find someone who doesn’t have to think about how they feel about me. I appreciate everyone’s advice.

[katrina1980]

I agree with reinvent and bluecastle as well.

 

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter why he’s so confused and behaving so erratically.

 

What matters is IF he truly wanted it to work out with you, he’d be seeking the proper help, either through introspection, reading and/or with the help of a qualified professional in an attempt to resolve.

 

Otherwise, he risks losing you, so yeah if he truly cared, he'd be seeking help to understand himself better.

 

I mean he must know something is wrong with how he processes his emotions, and realize his confusion/ambivalence isn’t just happening for no reason.

 

As long as he knows you will always go back and be there for him, he will remain in this state of confusion, back and forth and push/pull indefinitely and never be motivated to understand why.

[katrina1980]

 

I’m going to try and get on with my life and find someone who doesn’t have to think about how they feel about me.

 

Smart girl and best of luck as you move forward!