My ex-bf now has a new girl after leading me on for 6 months

[sleepywillow]

Not sure if everyone knows my story but my ex-bf and I started seeing each other again in January. He wanted to try and work things out with me but still have the option of dating other women. By June, I started to get really irritated and bothered by this and just two weeks ago, I ended it. This entire time, he kept saying things like I love you but I need for you to change so I can commit. I believed him and worked hard at changing myself but there was no end in sight.

 

Just yesterday, a mutual friend told me that my ex-bf has been hanging out with this one girl a lot and they are getting serious. How is this even possible when up to two weeks ago, I've been in the picture? I feel like such a fool and hearing this news really just broke my heart and it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed that I stayed home from work :(

 

Was he seeing this one girl the whole time?? He told me that he was dating but he wasn't serious about any of them because he wants it to ultimately be me who is the one for him. I'm feeling so exasperated now and feel that he lied to me all along.

[Hollyj]

You don't have a right to be upset. You should not have been with him without a commitment. He told you he wanted the option of dating others. This is on you.

 

Next time, instill better boundaries. If he wanted to be with you, he would not need to date others, he would have been working on the relationship. You gave him free license to see other girls.

[maew]

Not sure if everyone knows my story but my ex-bf and I started seeing each other again in January. He wanted to try and work things out with me but still have the option of dating other women. By June, I started to get really irritated and bothered by this and just two weeks ago, I ended it. This entire time, he kept saying things like I love you but I need for you to change so I can commit. I believed him and worked hard at changing myself but there was no end in sight.

 

Just yesterday, a mutual friend told me that my ex-bf has been hanging out with this one girl a lot and they are getting serious. How is this even possible when up to two weeks ago, I've been in the picture? I feel like such a fool and hearing this news really just broke my heart and it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed that I stayed home from work :(

 

Was he seeing this one girl the whole time?? He told me that he was dating but he wasn't serious about any of them because he wants it to ultimately be me who is the one for him. I'm feeling so exasperated now and feel that he lied to me all along.

 

I remember your story... he may have lied to you or he may be lying to this new girl... either way, he doesn't sound like a very kind person.

 

You can choose to walk through your feelings around this with grace and dignity, or you can be one of those scary bunny boiling stalkers... you will probably feel better about yourself in the long run if you cut off all contact with him and focus on getting support from those that do love you and will treat you with kindness and respect.

[SGH]

Your story happens frequently, which is why I almost always discourage people who come here from chasing after their ex. It almost always ends with the feeling of being used and the ex skipping off into the sunset with a new partner. I know the pain you're experiencing, and I encourage you to learn your lesson. Once a relationship is over, let it be over. Don't fully invest in a person who claims they cannot commit to you. I know it's difficult to let go, but the alternative is the situation you're currently experiencing. Go no contact and stop trying to gain information about your ex. You control how much pain you experience post breakup, and it's time for you to finally stop adding fuel to the fire.

[Andrina]

See this as a learning opportunity going forward. Realize that a guy who is really into you will want you alone and will have absolutely no desire to date others. What you were in was a FWB relationship, which never ends well.

 

He doesn't deserve any more space in your head and heart. It doesn't matter what he did or if he lied or not. The fact is that he is no longer in your life. He's in your past. It's easier said than done to move on, but you will heal with time. Just help yourself by not finding out any more about his life. If your friends are feeding you info, tell them you no longer want to hear it. Don't ask about him. Pamper yourself and surround yourself with girlfriends, and that doesn't mean rehashing everything to them. Go to the movies. Go get mani-pedis together. Bake some cookies together. Buy some cute costume jewelry.

 

When you talk about him and write about him, it keeps him present in your mind, and he doesn't deserve to be there. Take care.

[Starlight925]

He wanted to try and work things out with me but still have the option of dating other women.

 

He didn't lead you on. He told you, right up front, what he'd be doing: dating other women.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but what part of "dating other women" didn't you understand?

 

Don't play the victim here. You walked straight into this mess. Now, figure out why you allowed yourself to be this spineless girl who allowed him to treat you this way.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'd aim to set my standards at a higher level, and take the lesson with me. Being the bigger person can do wonders.

[sleepywillow]

I know I got myself into this mess. I have really no excuse for why I allowed this to happen. I guess I just believed him when he told me that he loves me and that all I needed to do was change so he would commit. He said the only reason why he wanted the option of dating other women was because he can't put his life on hold while waiting for that change to happen. He also promised that if he was serious about someone, he would tell me immediately which is why I'm feeling heartbroken.

[Starlight925]

Look, I'm not trying to beat you up. I've done my share of crying over why I let a guy do this or that to me. The key word is, let. We let these creeps into our lives, into our hearts, because we're afraid of being alone. We're afraid of losing them. We're afraid that they'll end up with someone else, and that will break our heart.

 

The key thing to learn here is, there's a deep down reason you've let this guy walk all over you.

 

Did you really, intellectually, honestly, believe that he wasn't flirting a lot with these women he was dating? Kissing them, sleeping with them? You really believed he was just biding his time while waiting for you? I know you're smarter than that.

 

If you can step away from this mess and take some time to work on your side of the street here, then and only then will you have a chance to find a meaningful relationship. Not with this guy.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, but he strung you along until he found someone else.

 

Either you two should have been complete NC while you worked on your issues, or in a committed relationship working on them together.

[Hollyj]

Look, I'm not trying to beat you up. I've done my share of crying over why I let a guy do this or that to me. The key word is, let. We let these creeps into our lives, into our hearts, because we're afraid of being alone. We're afraid of losing them. We're afraid that they'll end up with someone else, and that will break our heart.

 

The key thing to learn here is, there's a deep down reason you've let this guy walk all over you.

 

Did you really, intellectually, honestly, believe that he wasn't flirting a lot with these women he was dating? Kissing them, sleeping with them? You really believed he was just biding his time while waiting for you? I know you're smarter than that.

 

If you can step away from this mess and take some time to work on your side of the street here, then and only then will you have a chance to find a meaningful relationship. Not with this guy.

Good advice.

 

And, stop seeing yourself as a victim. You will not learn and grow if you do not take responsibility for allowing yourself to being treated like a doormat.

[boltnrun]

And why do YOU need to change in order to get the oh so magical honor of being his girlfriend?

 

I mentioned before that you were participating in tryouts for the role of His Girlfriend. When really, you didn't have a shot because he dictated that You Must Change in order to be worthy.

 

That alone would have had me telling him to pound sand.

 

Were you actually willing to "change" into who he wanted you to be just to have the honor of his presence? Nope, I don't buy "but I LOVE him!" as an excuse because love shouldn't require us to do things that are bad for us, nor should it require that we twist ourselves into pretzels in order for someone to want to be with us. It had to be some other reason.

[sleepywillow]

LHgirl and Hollyj — agreed. I need to stop playing the victim. I own up to what I did because it’s my fault for putting myself in this situation. I need to really look deep inside and figure out why I allowed this to happen.

 

boltnrun — my ex has a way of making me feel like I never treated him the way he deserved to be treated. Sometimes, when I take a step back, I think it wasn’t entirely my fault and that some of his actions led me to behave in a certain way towards him. But when the pressure is on from him, I always end up taking the blame and always try to make up for it. I can’t even explain it properly.

[boltnrun]

So when he gave you a hard time about not being treated like the King he apparently thinks he is, how did you react? Apologized, accepted blame, told him you loved him? Because if you did any of those things, no wonder he did what he did. You weren't acting like you respected yourself, so why would he respect you?

 

I told you before, this guy isn't worth your time.

 

Instead of ruminating on him and his new girlfriend, how about doing positive things to make your life better and more fun?

[sleepywillow]

I would apologize and accept blame after getting upset at him for making some kind of remark or doing something that I didn’t like. That’s what he wanted me to change. He wanted me to have a better, more positive attitude.

 

I’m going to start picking myself back up and doing things to better myself. I’m feeling so exhausted today from my emotions being on overdrive because of him.

[Hollyj]

He sounds awful. Very manipulative.

 

Be single for a long while and learn from this. If you don't, you will choose another creep like the ex. You deserve much better.

[katrina1980]

I would apologize and accept blame after getting upset at him for making some kind of remark or doing something that I didn’t like. That’s what he wanted me to change. He wanted me to have a better, more positive attitude.

 

 

OP, can you clarify what you mean by “getting upset” at him?

 

Would you become angry, yell, start a fight, belittle him?

 

Could your "getting upset" be interpreted by him as “verbal abuse” in any way?

 

Saying you “got upset” is too ambiguous. We need more context before we start labeling him “manipulative” and a creep.

 

Certainly wanting your gf to have a more positive attitude, does not deem a man a manipulative creep.

 

There are always two sides -- it would be interesting to hear HIS side.

[Hollyj]

OP, can you clarify what you mean by “getting upset” at him?

 

Would you become angry, yell, start a fight, belittle him?

 

Could your "getting upset" be interpreted by him as “verbal abuse” in any way?

 

Saying you “got upset” is too ambiguous. We need more context before we start labeling him “manipulative” and a creep.

 

Certainly wanting your gf to have a more positive attitude, does not deem a man a manipulative creep.

 

There are always two sides -- it would be interesting to hear HIS side.

 

"To answer your question about what he feels I need to change: he says he wants me to be more patient (aka wait for him to reply back to my texts. To be fair, I normally don't follow up until hours later when I don't hear from him), and he wants me to have a positive attitude (I'm usually negative after we fight or I feel hurt by something he did)."

 

"I feel that for the most part, I've made progress on the things he has asked for but I don't see him being closer to committing to me. Yesterday, I asked him after brunch to put his dating on pause and to be all in with me so we can have a fair chance. He said he would think about it because he does love me. But last night, my friend saw him at a restaurant on a date with another girl. So, I texted him and said it's completely over between us, that I love him but cannot tolerate this anymore."

From her first thread. I think her only fault has been, people walking all over her.

[sleepywillow]

I would never yell at him or use mean words. But I would say what was on my mind, he would then retort and I would get angry by being silent or crying. To him, having a more positive attitude would be seeing things the way he sees it and not how I view it, if that makes any sense.

[Hollyj]

I would never yell at him or use mean words. But I would say what was on my mind, he would then retort and I would get angry by being silent or crying. To him, having a more positive attitude would be seeing things the way he sees it and not how I view it, if that makes any sense.

 

Yes. it does. He took advantage of your low self worth, as he is a "manipulative creep." He also strung this out, with no intention of coming back. User.

 

Your bit, was allowing someone to treat you like this. You knew that you had done nothing wrong, yet were doing backflips trying to prove yourself to him.

[SGH]

I dated someone like this, sleepywillow. He thought putting the bear minimum effort into the relationship was breaking his back, and he made me feel bad for asking for basic needs. It took therapy for me to realize that I needed to take responsibility for accepting the poor treatment and learn how to exit relationships that were not meeting my needs. When you love someone, you want to give them the world. Just make sure they want to give you the world too.

[Starlight925]

He sounds incredibly manipulative and downright cruel.

 

I'd bet money he waited to text you back just to keep you on pins and needles. Then, you'd get upset, and he could get mad at you for being upset.

 

So you ask him to stop dating others, and he tells you how he loves you, and then he's seen out with....a date.

 

You'll never win with this guy.

 

Oh. My. Gosh.

 

One day, you'll kick yourself for allowing yourself to be manipulated like this.

[sleepywillow]

He definitely made me feel like our issues were my fault, and that I had to work to be better for him. Now I realize that he completely shattered my sense of self worth — it was a combination of the way he guilt-tripped and the way he treated me. It think it’s going to take a long time to rebuild.

[Hollyj]

Have you blocked him?

[Hollyj]

Check out Baggagereclaim.com It helped me. I was in doormat territory, too.