Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 So it’s been 7 days of NC. Aside from an email from her this morning stating “no need to reply, the baby needs diapers”. Didn’t reply and I’m not going to. I’ll send her diapers tomorrow. My question: So the last time we met/spoke which was last weekend was disastrous. Hurtful things were said, etc. So I was thinking about an apology email. Haven’t sent anything. Not a very good possibility I will but was just curious on some feedback. I would basically be letting her know I was wrong, that I’m working on myself, my immaturity , etc. I just don’t want to leave things on a bad foot in case she decides one day to give us another chance. So she won’t look back and only remember me as an a hole and the last encounter as bad. Thoughts? Red88 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Red...we already answered that. Why are you already trying to reconnect with her? Do you need to go back and read the thread from that weekend to remind yourself how it turned out? Red...we see you :) Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Red...we already answered that. Why are you already trying to reconnect with her? Do you need to go back and read the thread from that weekend to remind yourself how it turned out? Red...we see you :) I know :( I’m just caught up in my feelers. I needed some reassurance that this was not a good idea. I’ll go back and re read my thread. I just thought if there ever was the tiniest sliver of hope, years down the road, this would be a memory to reflect on. Not a bad weekend. Idk . I’m not sending anything. I’m starting day 8 tomorrow of email only. I just wanted to reassure myself that this was a dumb idea. Red88 Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Stay No Contact. Thank you for the support and motivation. I do not initiate contact and have her blocked. Went email only. Red88 Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 When will you decide on a monthly payment, so you don't have to get these emails going forward? Link to comment
CubbyBear Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Thank you for the support and motivation. Red88 I was right there with you a month or so ago (look at my old posts). I was dead set on writing an apology letter. But I took other people's advice and decided not to. And let me tell you how thankful I am. All an apology letter does is give them more power. You're just basically saying what you did wrong and it validates why they broke up with you. You will regret it later. I promise you that anything that you do at this point besides NO CONTACT will just make the situation worse. Emotions are high and what you both need is space. She knows your sorry and you know shes sorry. Time is your best friend right now. Ignore her at all costs. Show that you have enough dignity and pride and move on with your life. Whether you want her back or not...NC is the only way to accomplish the end goal. Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 When will you decide on a monthly payment, so you don't have to get these emails going forward? Im not sure. Usually I tend to get her what she needs when she needs it. I’m afraid if I hand her one lump sum of money outside a court agreement she’ll blow through it (she’s bad with money) and ask for more. I just send gift cards from Walmart and keep the receipts. If she alerts me to a child’s need, i just send a gift card. Unless it’s something that I need to buy online, I have it shipped to her house. Like this last email about diapers. I don’t respond but I’ll be sending a gift card tomorrow. Red88 Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 I was right there with you a month or so ago (look at my old posts). I was dead set on writing an apology letter. But I took other people's advice and decided not to. And let me tell you how thankful I am. All an apology letter does is give them more power. You're just basically saying what you did wrong and it validates why they broke up with you. You will regret it later. I promise you that anything that you do at this point besides NO CONTACT will just make the situation worse. Emotions are high and what you both need is space. She knows your sorry and you know shes sorry. Time is your best friend right now. Ignore her at all costs. Show that you have enough dignity and pride and move on with your life. Whether you want her back or not...NC is the only way to accomplish the end goal. I needed to hear this ^^^^ :) Thank you. I needed this to start my week off in the right mind frame. That’s why I wrote on here with my whole “apology” idea. I knew it was wrong, didn’t act on it, and put it on here instead. Thanks ENA family Red88 Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Im not sure. Usually I tend to get her what she needs when she needs it. I’m afraid if I hand her one lump sum of money outside a court agreement she’ll blow through it (she’s bad with money) and ask for more. I just send gift cards from Walmart and keep the receipts. If she alerts me to a child’s need, i just send a gift card. Unless it’s something that I need to buy online, I have it shipped to her house. Like this last email about diapers. I don’t respond but I’ll be sending a gift card tomorrow. Red88 Red, This is not sustainable. Pick an amount and send it every two weeks, or every week even. She is an adult. She needs to have independence from you, and you from her Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 You can't trust yourself. Don't reach out, not yet. Some time has passed so the cycle has restarted. This is your third round I think. Break the cycle this time. I know that feeling, when NC seems pointless and that empty feeling sucks so you just want to reach out, so the bargaining begins. It's so idealistic too . You start thinking 'if I just do this or that she will have to forgive me, it'll work this time.' it never works though. I remember being that girl and I remember that pain of it not working, it actually made me get kinda choked up thinking about me being that young girl just trying to hold my dysfunctional family together, I tried so hard and the harder I fought the crueler he became. You can DM me if you ever need support, I try not to rehash my past too much on here cause it's upsetting, but I have been where you are. We convince ourself if we're not a constant presence they'll forget us and move on but ironically what brings them back is distance. Try to keep the NC going. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 You want to send an apology email when she threatened a restraining order, made you live in a hotel while together , and cheated on you with another guy. Another chance? You need to focus on full employment, supporting your kids and custody through the courts. The kids need to come first. This is way too much drama and a lot of bad decisions! Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 You two really need an agreed-upon child support schedule. Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 You want to send an apology email when she threatened a restraining order, made you live in a hotel while together , and cheated on you with another guy. Another chance? You need to focus on full employment, supporting your kids and custody through the courts. The kids need to come first. This is way too much drama and a lot of bad decisions! You want to send an apology email when she threatened a restraining order, made you live in a hotel while together , and cheated on you with another guy. Another chance? You need to focus on full employment, supporting your kids and custody through the courts. The kids need to come first. This is way too much drama and a lot of bad decisions! I have full employment right now. I do support my kids and always will. And I am getting custody as soon as I get settled into my own place. She didn’t threaten a restraining order she actually did it not dropped it weeks later. And although it was very soon after our breakup, she never cheated. Had a rebound. But yes, all of this hurt. And I needed these reminders of why we aren’t compatible I only stewed on an apology email. Never sent. Day 8 NC Red88 Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 You two really need an agreed-upon child support schedule. I agree. It’ll eliminate the small talk which is what I need. I’m in it to win it now. Day 8 NC. Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 You can't trust yourself. Don't reach out, not yet. Some time has passed so the cycle has restarted. This is your third round I think. Break the cycle this time. I know that feeling, when NC seems pointless and that empty feeling sucks so you just want to reach out, so the bargaining begins. It's so idealistic too . You start thinking 'if I just do this or that she will have to forgive me, it'll work this time.' it never works though. I remember being that girl and I remember that pain of it not working, it actually made me get kinda choked up thinking about me being that young girl just trying to hold my dysfunctional family together, I tried so hard and the harder I fought the crueler he became. You can DM me if you ever need support, I try not to rehash my past too much on here cause it's upsetting, but I have been where you are. We convince ourself if we're not a constant presence they'll forget us and move on but ironically what brings them back is distance. Try to keep the NC going. What do you mean by this ? “Some time has passed so the cycle has restarted”? Yes. This cycle will not be broken. I’m ready to ride the wave. I’ve spent enough time and energy on this and I’ve grown tired. I’m also very conscious about how much time I’ve invested trying to rekindle to no avail. Not trying to waste my time anymore. What’s done is done. Boundaries have been put into action. NC other than email. I’ve added you as a friend. I don’t mean to bring up or rehash your past. It’s ok I won’t bring it up. I’m not concerned about her forgetting me, we have kids together. I was concerned yesterday about how we left off. The other weekend was when we had last contact and I didn’t leave on good terms. I was thinking if I sent something heartfelt, itd be better. That’s not a good idea and I will not be sending any email. Staying NC. Staying NC Red88 Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Red, Are you resistant to creating a schedule of child support payments and a schedule for visitation? If so is that because the absence of a schedule forces the need to work together, even if by email only? Is the absence of a schedule a way of avoiding that this relationship, save for practical concerns, has ended? Avoidance is a powerful motivator. I assure you, down the road the agreements will be immeasurably useful, or alternatively, much harder to obtain. You will be glad to have done today that which you seem to be avoiding. Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Red, Are you resistant to creating a schedule of child support payments and a schedule for visitation? If so is that because the absence of a schedule forces the need to work together, even if by email only? Is the absence of a schedule a way of avoiding that this relationship, save for practical concerns, has ended? Avoidance is a powerful motivator. I assure you, down the road the agreements will be immeasurably useful, or alternatively, much harder to obtain. You will be glad to have done today that which you seem to be avoiding. Yes you are right. A part of me doesn’t want a schedule. I have resisted the idea or the thought I guess. Its like it makes the breakup more real I guess. I will admit it. Ugh . You’re right on the money. Yes I’m demonstrating avoiding behavior because it will feel really over. I’m in denial. I guess that’s my next step in putting a nail in this coffin :( I’m ready though. I’ll have to break my 8 NC and start fresh but I you’re right it needs to happen. Im still 8hrs away from my kids and moving in August. Still working on figuring out how I’m gonna make it work. But I will, I’m motivated Good thing is I’ll only be 1.5 hrs away and not 8. So I’m hesitant on a visitation schedule at this moment since I have no idea what’s gonna happen in the future just yet. I’m working towards stability in my life. Right now I’m very unstable. How do you suggest approaching this. I have a $ figure in mind. Just wanna be consistent with payments and right now my future is unknown. Ugh. Am I still making excuses :( Kinda lost. I appreciate everyone’s guidance. Red88 Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 What do you mean by this ? “Some time has passed so the cycle has restarted”? Yes. This cycle will not be broken. I’m ready to ride the wave. I’ve spent enough time and energy on this and I’ve grown tired. I’m also very conscious about how much time I’ve invested trying to rekindle to no avail. Not trying to waste my time anymore. What’s done is done. Boundaries have been put into action. NC other than email. I’ve added you as a friend. I don’t mean to bring up or rehash your past. It’s ok I won’t bring it up. I’m not concerned about her forgetting me, we have kids together. I was concerned yesterday about how we left off. The other weekend was when we had last contact and I didn’t leave on good terms. I was thinking if I sent something heartfelt, itd be better. That’s not a good idea and I will not be sending any email. Staying NC. Staying NC Red88 Look at your posts, there's a very distinct pattern or cycle. Phase one: Extreme despair " I will not contact her for any reason" NC journals, setting up emails, you go all out. Phase two: You soften and find a reason to regain contact. This time it's 'to apologize' before it was ' you couldn't afford a hotel' Phase three: you ask us we tell you don't do it. Phase four: your hopes up so you do it anyway. Phase five: it crashes and burns and you're in pain *back to phase one* You can call the fear whatever you want let's not get lost in the details, it can be a fear of being forgotten a fear of her moving on whatever the fear is, it's causing you to cycle back again. You are not concerned about apologizing, that's a scape goat, you're trying to establish contact again. She asked you for diapers, she knows the lines of communication are still wide open, this is what you two do, this is your disfunctional tango, this is no different than any other blow up you two have. I can bet a shiny quarter, I was you. You are in a panic and desperately trying to swim for land because the power is shifted to her now.I can tell you from expierience your relationship will never be what it was. Not after all this. And why would you want it to? It wasn't good. Breathe, relax, write down what your plan is and sit on it a minimum 3 days, Im dead serious. Try to get your ego in check and Like all the other times I'm telling you : don't do it! Link to comment
Red88 Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Look at your posts, there's a very distinct pattern or cycle. Phase one: Extreme despair " I will not contact her for any reason" NC journals, setting up emails, you go all out. Phase two: You soften and find a reason to regain contact. This time it's 'to apologize' before it was ' you couldn't afford a hotel' Phase three: you ask us we tell you don't do it. Phase four: your hopes up so you do it anyway. Phase five: it crashes and burns and you're in pain *back to phase one* You can call the fear whatever you want let's not get lost in the details, it can be a fear of being forgotten a fear of her moving on whatever the fear is, it's causing you to cycle back again. You are not concerned about apologizing, that's a scape goat, you're trying to establish contact again. She asked you for diapers, she knows the lines of communication are still wide open, this is what you two do, this is your disfunctional tango, this is no different than any other blow up you two have. I can bet a shiny quarter, I was you. You are in a panic and desperately trying to swim for land because the power is shifted to her now.I can tell you from expierience your relationship will never be what it was. Not after all this. And why would you want it to? It wasn't good. Breathe, relax, write down what your plan is and sit on it a minimum 3 days, Im dead serious. Try to get your ego in check and Like all the other times I'm telling you : don't do it! Thank you for pointing this out and bringing light to my past dysfunctional behavior. The email idea was bad. Didn’t send. I’m not sending anything. Contact is only initiated by her. I don’t know why I was feeling that way last night. Weak moment I guess. What do you mean by “don’t do it” Also “ I can bet a shiny quarter, I was you”. So I’m 8 days into NC . Only once she initiated. I feel like I’m breaking the cycle . Would you agree? Red88 Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 10, 2018 Share Posted July 10, 2018 Yes you are right. A part of me doesn’t want a schedule. I have resisted the idea or the thought I guess. Its like it makes the breakup more real I guess. I will admit it. Ugh . You’re right on the money. Yes I’m demonstrating avoiding behavior because it will feel really over. I’m in denial. I guess that’s my next step in putting a nail in this coffin :( I’m ready though. I’ll have to break my 8 NC and start fresh but I you’re right it needs to happen. Im still 8hrs away from my kids and moving in August. Still working on figuring out how I’m gonna make it work. But I will, I’m motivated Good thing is I’ll only be 1.5 hrs away and not 8. So I’m hesitant on a visitation schedule at this moment since I have no idea what’s gonna happen in the future just yet. I’m working towards stability in my life. Right now I’m very unstable. How do you suggest approaching this. I have a $ figure in mind. Just wanna be consistent with payments and right now my future is unknown. Ugh. Am I still making excuses :( Kinda lost. I appreciate everyone’s guidance. Red88 You are doing a great job! For starters... if you live in the US, the state in which you married will have a worksheet and a formula that you use. Start with that. If it works for you, then that's your number. After you get through digesting this much, you will find more details, like does your number inflate? Does it extend until 18 or 21? Ignore that for now so you can focus on big picture ideas to help put some structure into your planning. Custody plans run the gamut. Note there is a distinction between physical and legal custody. There are many different ways to handle pick up and drop off, weeks versus weekends, etc. My ex is about an hour away, and he doesn't see them mid week although it was drafted that he would; he gets them every other weekend because midweek is pretty hard between work and travel. It works fine; however, that is because I am a great parent. As their every day parent, I have a big influence. He is important, of course! But you WILL have two different parenting styles, your lives will continue to diverge; there will eventually be someone else in each of your lives. You have no say in who that person is, at her house. I found this a challenge to accept, but it has been fine. I taught the kids skills to deal with the various challenges that have come up. Sorry. I know it is tough. You can do this. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Yes, please keep us updated. Link to comment
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