Update on ex and went on a date

[Hopeful7]

Hopeful I hate to be a glass half empty girl but this whole situation is suspicious as hell.

 

After 3 1/2 years you suspect him of cheating break up and he refuses to take you back and then just happens to get a girlfriend a week later?

 

Isn't that kinda suspicious to you?

 

 

It was not a week ......it was a month later. He said he made this girl his girlfriend in a weeks time . I asked him if it was the girl I suspected he said no. I even asked again this time he said no. I asked him if he talked to the girl or was friends with her while we were dating ? He said no.

 

I dont know u read my back story , to be fair I did break up with him and stayed away from him a couple weeks because I really thought he cheated because I always thought this girl had a thing for him and also some one made me think he was. ...it is a long story. Than I realized my mistake and he wouldn't take me back or didnt want to work things out .

 

 

Than I gave him some time and thought he would calm down but he told about this new girl than. My friends asked to if I was sure if it wasn't her and if he did cheat ?. I cant be 100 % sure about anything. But I dont see why he would lie to me after the breakup because he did tell he met a new girl. He also hurt me by saying he made his gf in a week and they spent every day together so they got close etc .

 

 

I did question how he got close to someone in a week and care about someone in a week. I didnt think it is possible till I read some threads on here where ppl say they fell in love in a couple weeks . So I guess ppl are just different.

 

To be honest I cant care about someone in a week or fall in love with some one in a month but I read it alot in these threads , So I guess it is possible for him to care about a girl in week and make her his gf in a week. Which is weird for him , because he doesn't normally do that so I dont if he was rebounding or what ....only he knows. But he ended with this girl saying he doesn't see her in his life .

 

I do have questions about all this but at same time I want trust him since I didnt trust him previously and reason for our breakup.

 

Right now I am working on my self in counseling. But I dont know if I can bring myself to block him. I know other people on here want me to .

 

Also I dont know what he wants from me either . He isn't clear about it .

 

Yeah I wont date anyone. I dont think this guy is bad. I think he thinks he can make me fall for him if I spend enough time with him. I guess he is confident in himself according to him.

[boltnrun]

You can't "start like it's a new relationship" when there are issues in the past that haven't been dealt with. I mean, how do you pretend all that didn't happen? That's where reconciliations go wrong...the past was not dealt with and it comes up again in the "new relationship".

 

Also, you are not "doing all the right things" when you still have frequent contact with the ex.

 

If you want to get back together, meet up with the ex and say so. If he can't at least say he wants the same thing and he's willing to discuss reconciliation, walk away and stop communication. No "let me think about it", no "let's date other people while we decide", no "let's sleep together but 'take it slow'", no "let's be 'friends' and see where it goes". Just an "I want the same thing, let's figure out how we can make this work". That way you'll know once and for all.

[figureitout23]

It was not a week ......it was a month later. He said he made this girl his girlfriend in a weeks time . I asked him if it was the girl I suspected he said no. I even asked again this time he said no. I asked him if he talked to the girl or was friends with her while we were dating ? He said no.

 

I dont know u read my back story , to be fair I did break up with him and stayed away from him a couple weeks because I really thought he cheated because I always thought this girl had a thing for him and also some one made me think he was. ...it is a long story. Than I realized my mistake and he wouldn't take me back or didnt want to work things out .

 

 

Than I gave him some time and thought he would calm down but he told about this new girl than. My friends asked to if I was sure if it wasn't her and if he did cheat ?. I cant be 100 % sure about anything. But I dont see why he would lie to me after the breakup because he did tell he met a new girl. He also hurt me by saying he made his gf in a week and they spent every day together so they got close etc .

 

 

I did question how he got close to someone in a week and care about someone in a week. I didnt think it is possible till I read some threads on here where ppl say they fell in love in a couple weeks . So I guess ppl are just different.

 

To be honest I cant care about someone in a week or fall in love with some one in a month but I read it alot in these threads , So I guess it is possible for him to care about a girl in week and make her his gf in a week. Which is weird for him , because he doesn't normally do that so I dont if he was rebounding or what ....only he knows. But he ended with this girl saying he doesn't see her in his life .

 

I do have questions about all this but at same time I want trust him since I didnt trust him previously and reason for our breakup.

 

Right now I am working on my self in counseling. But I dont know if I can bring myself to block him. I know other people on here want me to .

 

Also I dont know what he wants from me either . He isn't clear about it .

 

Yeah I wont date anyone. I dont think this guy is bad. I think he thinks he can make me fall for him if I spend enough time with him. I guess he is confident in himself according to him.

 

Totally understandable.

 

BUT

 

If on round one you had trust issues, the odds of you having trust issues on round two is going to be tenfold.

 

Do you truly think theres hope?

[SGH]

No contact will help you move on, but you need to have the intention to move on. If you go NC but spend every day hoping your ex calls you and begs for you back, it will not be as effective for healing.

 

The fact of the matter is that continuing to talk to your ex as a "friend" is deluding you into believing you will get back together. Even if you did eventually date again, would you honestly have no resentment towards him for keeping you on a string all of this time? Nothing is stopping him from being with you. He wakes up and chooses to continue on his current path every day.

 

Realize that you're putting your life on hold for someone who is out there living. He has the comfort of you in his backpocket and the excitement of dating whoever he wants. Stop giving him the best of both worlds, realize your value, and go no contact permanently. It may not be an instant cure, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Hopeful7]

Hopeful7: Interesting turn of events for you. I think it's worth giving your ex an audience in your situation and talking to him to see what he even wants. If reconciliation is a maybe, you'll have to find a balance between "it's a brand new relationship" and "addressing what went wrong", because quite honestly, I don't think it's entirely realistic to just forgive and forget everything, especially since it'd be very hard to revitalize the good without revitalizing some of the bad or acknowledging newly-developed issues from the breakup. However, if they only want friendship, then I think it's clear that you are a long ways away from friendship with your ex and you should tell them it hasn't been nearly long enough to be friends and to not contact you for friendship anymore.

 

figureitout23: I don't know why you're doing what you're doing in this thread (the cynicism, the negative assumptions, etc.) It isn't helping anyone and is just going to stir a pot of negative emotions that doesn't need to exist. Sometimes the glass half-empty or trying to press people is valuable, but sometimes it's just not.

 

 

Thank u , I do want to meet up with him eventually but yeah I haven't put everything in the past. I dont mean unforgiveness etc .

 

I just remember how we used to be together and all . I dont think I am emotionally ready to see him. But I am hoping I can get stronger in a couple of months and than meet up with him and talk with him one on one about what we have or friendship etc. I cant be just friends with him.

 

He isn't friends with his previous ex and he said he couldn't be friends with me when we broke up . So I am not sure what he wants ? But yes meeting him in person is probably what I will do but I just want to be prepared emotionally before I do that .

[Hopeful7]

You can't "start like it's a new relationship" when there are issues in the past that haven't been dealt with. I mean, how do you pretend all that didn't happen? That's where reconciliations go wrong...the past was not dealt with and it comes up again in the "new relationship".

 

Also, you are not "doing all the right things" when you still have frequent contact with the ex.

 

If you want to get back together, meet up with the ex and say so. If he can't at least say he wants the same thing and he's willing to discuss reconciliation, walk away and stop communication. No "let me think about it", no "let's date other people while we decide", no "let's sleep together but 'take it slow'", no "let's be 'friends' and see where it goes". Just an "I want the same thing, let's figure out how we can make this work". That way you'll know once and for all.

 

 

Yes this what I want to do ....but u think I should tell him in person or text. What do u want from me ? Either u can be clear and let me know . If he says friends than I will say I can't be friends with him . But it sounded like he was asking me more on a date than friends.

 

 

Yeah I just dont know if I should do it person or text. That is why I am waiting for courage to meet up with him and he still doesn't want to meet up in a month than there is my answer .

[boltnrun]

You can text him asking if he still wants to meet up, then do so. Not at his place or yours (because sex will happen), but somewhere public and neutral. A park, coffee shop, something like that.

 

And it's fine to wait a month for your emotions to steady, but staying in contact for that month will just confuse you. Can you tell him you'd like to meet up in a few weeks?

[Hopeful7]

Totally understandable

 

BUT

 

If on round one you had trust issues, the odds of you having trust issues on round two is going to be tenfold.

 

Do you truly think theres hope?

 

 

 

Dont think I am fool or anything but I do believe in God and prayer and asked him to bring us back together if we were meant to be so . So I do think ppl change and I guess I am always trying to be hopeful . I know I can be different because I realized all my mistakes and talked it over in counseling .

 

Just dont know what he wants . If he's doesn't make it clear than I will stop talking to him and move on . Just trying get stronger mentally before I meet up with him . But if he cant wait than I will know as well.

[Hollyj]

In person. This is not something you ask by text. If it takes so much courage, then he is not right for you.

[Hopeful7]

No contact will help you move on, but you need to have the intention to move on. If you go NC but spend every day hoping your ex calls you and begs for you back, it will not be as effective for healing.

 

The fact of the matter is that continuing to talk to your ex as a "friend" is deluding you into believing you will get back together. Even if you did eventually date again, would you honestly have no resentment towards him for keeping you on a string all of this time? Nothing is stopping him from being with you. He wakes up and chooses to continue on his current path every day.

 

Realize that you're putting your life on hold for someone who is out there living. He has the comfort of you in his backpocket and the excitement of dating whoever he wants. Stop giving him the best of both worlds, realize your value, and go no contact permanently. It may not be an instant cure, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

He isn't dating anyone right now. If I found he was I wouldn't talk to him any more . He doesn't have me in his back pocket either. I didnt immediately run to meet him because I have to think about myself emotionally as well.

 

But u did give me alot to think about with this no contact thing . I cant be just friends with him and I dont want to stringed along either.

 

I was waiting a month so he could be more cleared after the other girl as well me being more strong too.

[Hopeful7]

You can text him asking if he still wants to meet up, then do so. Not at his place or yours (because sex will happen), but somewhere public and neutral. A park, coffee shop, something like that.

 

And it's fine to wait a month for your emotions to steady, but staying in contact for that month will just confuse you. Can you tell him you'd like to meet up in a few weeks?

 

I dont stay in contact with him every day. I will try in a few weeks or a month and tell him a neutral place . I made it clear I am not a friends with benefit type of girl to him and he said he knows because of how long I even waited to be with him in that way when we were together.

[figureitout23]

 

figureitout23: I don't know why you're doing what you're doing in this thread (the cynicism, the negative assumptions, etc.) It isn't helping anyone and is just going to stir a pot of negative emotions that doesn't need to exist. Sometimes the glass half-empty or trying to press people is valuable, but sometimes it's just not.

 

Were all entitled to out opinions.

 

If you think its wise to blindly jump back into a situation that is admittedly (by the OPer) suspicious, your opinion.

 

If you think its wise to date while still in the middle of healing, again your opinion.

 

You can think I'm cynical for these statements, I on the other hand think it needs to be said.

 

Well all give advise differently.

[figureitout23]

Dont think I am fool or anything but I do believe in God and prayer and asked him to bring us back together if we were meant to be so . So I do think ppl change and I guess I am always trying to be hopeful . I know I can be different because I realized all my mistakes and talked it over in counseling .

 

Just dont know what he wants . If he's doesn't make it clear than I will stop talking to him and move on . Just trying get stronger mentally before I meet up with him . But if he cant wait than I will know as well.

 

I would never dismiss someones religious beliefs.

 

I do believe prayer needs the help of action though. You can pray for a ex to return but if you aren't also working on what caused the breakup its just going to be a cycle. You said you went to counseling and worked through your issues and that's great, now I think its time to slowly reassess this situation. Is this something you truly want. Can you accept he was with someone else?

 

And again other posters can think I'm being negative but I am coming from experience, from being young and attempting to get back with someone after a separation. During the separation all I could think about is reconciliation, then when the reconciliation happened and the dust settled all those issues were sitting right there waiting.

[Hopeful7]

I would never dismiss someones religious beliefs.

 

I do believe prayer needs the help of action though. You can pray for a ex to return but if you aren't also working on what caused the breakup its just going to be a cycle. You said you went to counseling and worked through your issues and that's great, now I think its time to slowly reassess this situation. Is this something you truly want. Can you accept he was with someone else?

 

And again other posters can think I'm being negative but I am coming from experience, from being young and attempting to get back with someone after a separation. During the separation all I could think about is reconciliation, then when the reconciliation happened and the dust settled all those issues were sitting right there waiting.

 

 

To be honest, I dont know if i can accept that he has been with another girl even if he wanted to get back together is another thing I am thinking about . That is why I dont want to rush to meet him. Yes it bothers me he met another girl in a month and made his girlfriend in a week. If it was just a short fling I might have been able to deal with it better. That is kinda why I didnt rush to meet him. I have think everything thru before .

 

I dont know for sure what he wants . But he was not acting like he just wants to be friends. He did say it in the beginning but that was when he was trying to figure if I was dating someone etc . Also started majorly flirting after . These are things I want ask him in person and I know if I see his face I will know . But I need time to kinda compose myself I guess .

 

I dont know if u read this but he also has issues of running when there is problems. His first ex and first love that he was in love with and was going marry . He broke up her because she got in fight with his mom . , he said she caused drama and couldn't forgive her for what she said to his mom.He was in alot pain after but he never went back to her and 2 years later she met some one else and got married. I met him 4 years after that incident. So I would have to see he is working on his issues too.

 

So if u dont mind me asking what happened with the recounsilation with your ex your talking about ?

[Chris12189]

Well he wants to see you, so meet up and just lay it out: I only want you a part of my life if you want to fully reconcile, if not please do not contact me anymore so we can both move on. I am sure in the first 5 minutes youll know what he wants

[figureitout23]

 

I dont know if u read this but he also has issues of running when there is problems. His first ex that he was in love with and was going marry . He broke up her because she got in fight with his mom . , he said she caused drama and couldn't forgive her for what she said to his mom.He was in alot pain after but he never went back to her and 2 years later she met some one else and got married. I met him 4 years after that incident. So I would have to see he is working on his issues too.

 

So if u dont mind me asking what happened with the recounsilation with your ex your talking about ?

 

No I didn't read that. He may have some issues to work through. I guess that's up to him to face and work on though. You're right maybe he has. Definitely something to discuss before reconciliation.

 

Yes! I was young we broke up, I don't even remember the reason, while we were separated he spoke negatively about me to friends, I thought 'but I LOVE him', Got back together, that anxiety passed and all I could think about was jacked how up it was that he bad mouthed me.

 

Realistically speaking, reconciliations have low percentages of working out. Doesn't mean there aren't success stories. But both people have to want it.

[SGH]

To be honest, I dont know if i can accept that he has been with another girl even if he wanted to get back together is another thing I am thinking about . That is why I dont want to rush to meet him. Yes it bothers me he met another girl in a month and made his girlfriend in a week. If it was just a short fling I might have been able to deal with it better. That is kinda why I didnt rush to meet him. I have think everything thru before .

 

I dont know for sure what he wants . But he was not acting like he just wants to be friends. He did say it in the beginning but that was when he was trying to figure if I was dating someone etc . Also started majorly flirting after . These are things I want ask him in person and I know if I see his face I will know . But I need time to kinda compose myself I guess .

 

I dont know if u read this but he also has issues of running when there is problems. His first ex and first love that he was in love with and was going marry . He broke up her because she got in fight with his mom . , he said she caused drama and couldn't forgive her for what she said to his mom.He was in alot pain after but he never went back to her and 2 years later she met some one else and got married. I met him 4 years after that incident. So I would have to see he is working on his issues too.

 

So if u dont mind me asking what happened with the recounsilation with your ex your talking about ?

 

You should take issue with the fact that he monkey-branched into another relationship, in my opinion. If he's being flirtatious with you now that he is done with the other girl, it is likely because he wants to swing back to you.

 

You may not know he is dating others, but he's single. There is a high probability he is on a dating app or considering other women he knows in his life. The reason I believe attempting to reconcile will likely end with you hurt and having to start healing all over again is because you said you wouldn't be talking to him at all if you knew he was pursuing other girls. If that is your rule, you should forget about trying to be with him, especially if you're going to wait another month before agreeing to meet.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but whether or not you ever moved on, your relationship has been over for 7 months. The two of you are not in the same headspace. He doesn't feel like talking to or seeing other girls is akin to cheating on you. If another viable option pops up, don't be surprised if he takes it whether he is seeing you or not.

[Hopeful7]

Well he wants to see you, so meet up and just lay it out: I only want you a part of my life if you want to fully reconcile, if not please do not contact me anymore so we can both move on. I am sure in the first 5 minutes youll know what he wants

 

 

Thank u , I appreciate your advice . It makes sense

[Hopeful7]

You should take issue with the fact that he monkey-branched into another relationship, in my opinion. If he's being flirtatious with you now that he is done with the other girl, it is likely because he wants to swing back to you.

 

You may not know he is dating others, but he's single. There is a high probability he is on a dating app or considering other women he knows in his life. The reason I believe reconciling will likely end with you hurt and having to start healing all over again is because you said you wouldn't be talking to him at all if you knew he was pursuing other girls. If that is your rule, you should forget about trying to be with him, especially if you're going to wait another month before agreeing to meet.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but whether or not you ever moved on, your relationship has been over for 7 months. The two of you are not in the same headspace. He doesn't feel like talking to or seeing other girls is akin to cheating on you. If another viable option pops up, don't be surprised if he takes it whether he is seeing you or not.

 

 

Yeah I understand what your saying. It isn't like we are boyfriend and girlfriend anymore so I cant stop him from seeing someone else . I didnt mean it sound he cant . Just like I went on date yesterday I didnt need his permission

 

I mean if he wants to work things out with me than I wouldn't be ok with him dating others and me . Right now we dont have a commitment and he can do what he wants . I just mean let's say there was going to be something and we were going to work towards that .

 

Yeah I dont know what he is doing now . He could be doing anything . Although he says he is playing video games , working and watching soccer finals etc . I really dont want to know either. I am not going to chase after him .

 

 

I dont want to hurt again either . That is why I let be for now and sorting my feelings

[Hopeful7]

No I didn't read that. He may have some issues to work through. I guess that's up to him to face and work on though. You're right maybe he has. Definitely something to discuss before reconciliation.

 

Yes! I was young we broke up, I don't even remember the reason, while we were separated he spoke negatively about me to friends, I thought 'but I LOVE him', Got back together, that anxiety passed and all I could think about was jacked how up it was that he bad mouthed me.

 

Realistically speaking, reconciliations have low percentages of working out. Doesn't mean there aren't success stories. But both people have to want it.

 

Oh I see

 

I think if 2 people want to and both work at than they can work it out because I have people in my office who broke up and got back together and got married . So I guess it depends on the ppl. But I do believe I have to heal my heart completely.

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note: Please respect the opinions of other members, and stay on topic.

[Hopeful7]

I see this thread has blown up, wow. I haven't read anything anyone said to you, nor if you made more replies, so this is coming from my heart, to yours: find out. Do not rush into anything obviously, but he rebounded and it ended. You have a history together, if you can forgive and forget, and he wants to try, and it's what your heart wants, do it. Just go slow. Don't wait to meet up, but do wait to rekindle anything if that's a possibility. I'm wishing you the best (((hugs)))

 

Thank u Sweetgirl and i hope everything is going great for u . Sending you good thoughts and *hugs *

[ShatteredMan]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with SweetGirl on this one. (Note: I typically agree with and value her advice and she always has everyone's best interest in her posts.)

 

Hopeful7, I think that if you tough it out a while, you WILL find someone else that is going to be everything that your ex is not. If you're heart and mind are not in the right place to start a new relationship with a new guy, then take yourself off the market for a while until you realize that your life is going to be fine regardless of whether or not you have a guy in it or not....because it will. I say this as someone who had an ex that monkeybranched onward and in my pain/misery/grief, went on a "dating rampage" where I tried to date half of this city. It was ridiculous because, like you, my heart and mind were still stuck on my ex. Long story short, I wish I'd taken a year off from dating until I settled down, accepted what had happened and was then truly open to someone new. Sure enough, she IS everything my ex is not and never will be.

 

SweetGirl is completely correct in her stance on not rushing into this if you choose to roll the dice again on this guy. She's also right to point out that he monkeybranched onward and now it crashed and burned on him. He'll probably do it again.

 

Plus, why do you want someone who "runs when things get tough"? Life's tough....

[Annia]

Delete post

[Annia]

You can't "start like it's a new relationship" when there are issues in the past that haven't been dealt with. I mean, how do you pretend all that didn't happen? That's where reconciliations go wrong...the past was not dealt with and it comes up again in the "new relationship".

 

Also, you are not "doing all the right things" when you still have frequent contact with the ex.

 

If you want to get back together, meet up with the ex and say so. If he can't at least say he wants the same thing and he's willing to discuss reconciliation, walk away and stop communication. No "let me think about it", no "let's date other people while we decide", no "let's sleep together but 'take it slow'", no "let's be 'friends' and see where it goes". Just an "I want the same thing, let's figure out how we can make this work". That way you'll know once and for all.

 

100% this! If he doesn't want the same thing then say to him clearly that it's better for your healing and to move on if you two don't talk. That way he won't interrupt the "no contact".