Bad couple weeks

[Idontevenkno]

The last couple weeks seem to have seen me spiral downwards more than I ever have in my life.

 

This break up seems to have triggered some much deeper issues and I've spent so much time alone just crying and have had to go stay with my mum as I can't find motivation to even get out of bed in the morning anymore.

 

I have a constant sinking feeling and don't want to see anyone or do anything, I just can't.

 

I'm not sure what's happening to me anymore or who I am.

 

I've been back to the doctors and changed anti depressants as the last ones I were given had too many side effects.

 

I really hope these work as I can't see a way out anymore, I'm severely depressed and terrified that I'll never get better.

[T99]

Hello Idontevenknow - i'm same time frame as you - and can relate to how you are feeling.

 

2 months isn't enough time, as horrible as it is it will get better. Try to compare yourself today to where you were after 1 month and see if you can notice some improvement?

[CubbyBear]

So so so sorry to hear what you're going through. We are right here with you and here to help. Refresh my memory, how longer were you together and how long ago was the break-up? I think I remember reading another post of yours and it's been a couple months?

 

-Aside from the anti-depressants what else are you trying to do to combat this? As you most likely know, anti-depressants are hit/miss and the one that does work will take at least a month to start being effective. So, you need to focus on more long-term/effective solutions. First and most important...no anti-depressant is going to be as good as the ol' triangle of sleep, exercise, and diet. You need to be fueling yourself with the right vitamins/minerals. You need at least 8 hours of sleep. And you should be exercise almost every day if possible. Being a parent I'm sure you already know this but wanted to give you a friendly reminder. You'll continue falling down the rabbit hole until you start taking care of yourself. I'm sure you have no motivation for 2 out of the 3 but start taking baby steps.

 

-In another post, you mentioned seeking professional help. Have you done that yet? You may have to shop around a bit but finding the right one will help immensely. I started seeing one right after my breakup and it was a godsend. I think the first 2-3 sessions was just me crying for the entire hour. But she slowly started helping me see the reality of everything. I always walk out with an ah-ha moment. I find the personality tests they tend to adminster especially beneficial and interesting. It shows you that there is nothing wrong with you. We all just have different ways of thinking and viewing the world.

 

-Like SweetGirl said, it's great you're going to stay with your mom. It's so important to be with people that love you right now. Rely on family and friends. And force yourself to go out. I'm sure you're seeing that isolation is just making things worse. Try to make plans for almost every day of the weeks. Even if it's just having coffee with a friend or going shopping.

 

-Create a TODO list with small goals for the day. As you start crossing things off, you'll start to feel better about yourself. Even if it's super small like: Eat in the morning, walk for 20 minutes, meditate for 20 minutes etc.

 

-Read self-help books. I think Amazon gives you a free trial to their monthly kindle subscription which you can access on pretty much any book you want to read. From there, you can read just about every self-help book you'd like. For me, I started out with the break-up books until all of them started sounding the same. Then I moved onto more personal issues I wanted to fix such as Co-dependency. As painful as it is, you need to start understanding what you both did to contribute to the end of the relationship. For your partners part, you'll stop idealizing them. For your part, so you can start to learn more about yourself and attract a better partner.

 

-Try to find some new hobby's if you can. Yesterday I randomly drove by an art store and was like what the hell. Bought some acrylic paint and brushes. Let me know tell you, it was a messy nightmare and I didn't create anything close to art but it was fun just mixing the colors and screwing around with techniques. I did it outside on my apartment porch with a beer. Every single person that walked by stopped and asked what I was painting. It was nice.

 

-Create a new look for yourself and your living space. Very therapeutic and good for the ego.

 

-Meditate. This one personally doesn't work for me because I hold still for that long but I hear it works wonders for everyone else.

 

-Journaling is super good too. Make sure to focus on 3 different things you're grateful every time you go to write. Also, write down all the negative and helpless thoughts you're feeling and try to counter them with positive/realistic thoughts. Ask how these bad thoughts are serving you.

 

-Lastly: PLEASE be kind to yourself. You need to eventually realize that all your going through is a drug withdrawl and it doesn't last. You are what you believe and if you believe you will kick this and eventually find someone better, then you will. Just have to put in the time and effort. And sure you made mistakes in the relationship but so did your partner. You have to forgive both parties, learn/grow, and then move on. One person in this entire world is not worth all this pain and suffering. There are so many other people waiting for you.

[Idontevenkno]

I've been surrounding my self with support as much as possible.

 

I'm journaling and looking for positives.

 

I just feel as though there is nothing good in my life and nothing to look forward to.

 

Everything I thought I had and wanted is gone and even though I know this will get better with time I just can't see an end to it, I feel as though I am getting worse not better.

 

I've been referred for councelling but been told there is a long waiting list so have no idea how long this will take. I have another appointment with my doctor at the end of the week.

 

I go out everyday and try to do things but they all just seem pointless now, everything is incredibly hard.

 

Day times and weekends are the worst, anything I used to do or enjoy is attached to memories of him and I can't bring myself to go to any of those places as anytime I have I've just broken down and need to leave.

 

I don't remember what happiness feels like anymore not even for a moment.

[Carus]

It's absolutely terrible. We all know it...

 

I'm 8 months out, 3 months NC and still pretty shredded.

 

Two things I'll add to what the others have said: Yes just minimize your life right now. Just try and accomplish 2 small things a day, like doing your laundry and drag yourself out for a coffee or such... It really is hard to do too much when you're in the throes of grief...not breakup, but grief.

 

Secondly, Teal Swan videos on YouTube. She has a great video on heartbreak and she's been a great source of comfort for me.

 

Sending You Strength Hon*

 

Carus*

[CubbyBear]

I've been surrounding my self with support as much as possible.

 

I'm journaling and looking for positives.

 

I just feel as though there is nothing good in my life and nothing to look forward to.

 

Everything I thought I had and wanted is gone and even though I know this will get better with time I just can't see an end to it, I feel as though I am getting worse not better.

 

I've been referred for councelling but been told there is a long waiting list so have no idea how long this will take. I have another appointment with my doctor at the end of the week.

 

I go out everyday and try to do things but they all just seem pointless now, everything is incredibly hard.

 

Day times and weekends are the worst, anything I used to do or enjoy is attached to memories of him and I can't bring myself to go to any of those places as anytime I have I've just broken down and need to leave.

 

I don't remember what happiness feels like anymore not even for a moment.

 

If all your happiness (and all you ever wanted) was attached to another person, then there was definitely codependency/self-esteem issues. And it's unfair and unrealistic to rely on another person to make you happy. You'll have to work toward making a happy, fun, and fulfilling life for yourself. Then and only then, will you eventually attract the right person that will be x20 more healthier than your current ex.

 

The good news is we are all here to help. I struggle with the same things as many others on these forums. I don't know if this will help but try making a bucket list. Try to visualize and write down all the things you want to see, do, learn etc. before you die. Then start working towards some of those. A few from mine:

 

-Attend a Murder Mystery Dinner

-Be part of a flash mob

-Have an epic light saber fight with a stranger in public

-Make a piece of art you're proud of

-Write a book

-Learn to Juggle

-Learn to brew beer

-Get Scuba Certified

-Buy someone else's groceries in line

-Eat something raw

-Take a vow of silence for a day

-Become a vegan for 30 days

-Go zorbing

-Visit all 7 wonders

-See the Aurora Borealis

-Study with the Monks in Tibet (doing that one this summer)

 

I have about 300 items so far. When I get down and upset, I just look at the list and tell myself I need to cross off something next. My friends and family are super supportive of it too. It's a more healthy way for them to be there for me vs. me crying and telling them the same old sob story. My friend is going to take me fencing this weekend and then take classes on beer brewing. Would I rather sit at home and feel sorry for myself. Absolutely. But I'm forcing myself to get out and make new memories. I feel in the end, I'll eventually get over my ex and I'd regret just sitting at home for months doing nothing vs. crossing a bunch of things off my bucket list. Something to consider anyways

 

Another thing you mentioned is having all these memories attached to him. Work on eradicating those in 2 ways: Remove and Re-imprint. Remove anything that reminds you of him. Pictures, mementos, even clothes/furniture...whatever is reasonable within your budget. After my break-up, I literally got rid of EVERYTHING. It was so therapeutic. If she would walk into my new apartment today she would have no idea it's mine. It's my space and my stuff. And beyond the break-up it's healthy for the soul to reduce clutter and learn to 'let things go.' And if there are memories attached to certain places, ask your friends/family to help you re-imprint. I wrote down a list of places that remind me of her. The most painful one is one of the best nights we ever spent...Took her to the ballet, went to a fancy dinner, and then stayed the night at a historic hotel. I happen to live by said concert hall/hotel but avoid them at all costs. Well, one of my girl friends said we're going to the next ballet, grabbing dinner afterwards, and drinks at the hotel. I'm terrified but next time I think of those places...I'll also have a memory of me and my friend and won't be as bad.

 

I don't know where you live but I'm guessing it's a small town? I live in a small city but there are numerous options for counselors, therapists, psychiatrists etc. So if one is booked up, there should be others. Get online and see what's in your area (they have numerous search engines). If nothing else, I know a lot of them do Skype and phone sessions. Can be a good method until you can see someone in person.

 

Other than that, you are right. It will get better with time. There is no quick fix here. Heck everything I suggested is just a temporary distraction at best. But the beauty of it is if you follow those suggestions you're suffering won't last as long. What you are feeling is completely normal and you need to go through those emotions on your own timeline. You just have to force yourself to do these things. Fake it til you make it as they say.

 

And T99 brought up something that is excellent advice. Journaling amongst other things helps you make a timeline to track your progress. As I type this, I'm having a super rough morning...I can't stop thinking about her and much like you, it's hard to see the way out of this. But when I compare it to where I was in the first week of the breakup, I breath a sigh of relief. I couldn't even get out of bed and eat. I've made leaps and bounds. I don't cry anymore, I work out everyday, I've taken on new hobbies, reconnected with old friends, went on casual dates, got new furniture, got a new look, going to therapy, run a successful meetup, planning vacations, reading more...Just trying to do what I can to learn, grow, adapt, and just have some sort of fun. Don't get me wrong, some days I do revert back to ground zero but as they say grief isn't linear. I keep reminding myself it's going to be 2 steps backwards, 1 step forward for the short-term. You'll get there too.

 

Hang in there. Try to find at least one small thing to do today that makes you happy. Even if it's just getting ice cream or popping in your fave movie.

[Idontevenkno]

Thanks for all the advice it really is appreciated, but also a little overwhelming and a lot of it seems impossible at the moment.

 

You're right when you mention self esteem issues and co dependency I'm definitely sure I suffer both of these as well as abandonment issues stemming back to childhood and the lack of a male role model.

 

Before this relationship I was also in a pretty toxic relationship with my child's father for many years and the one before it wasn't much better either.

 

I think that's partly why I'm struggling so much this time round as this relationship was my first in a long time that was healthy and where I was actually happy so it seems like a bigger loss, I'd found someone reliable that seemed to want the same things and I can't help think that maybe I was to blame for the way things turned out.

 

I know I need to learn to be on my own again which I haven't been

[TeddyPSmith]

Can I just recommend one book that may help you? Ive listened to 13 audiobooks and read at least another 1 or 2. But the one that resonated with me the most and offers very practical guidance is Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot. You can even join her facebook group and chat with people in similar positions. She has a podcast called Mean Lady Talking that's excellent. The thing I like about her is that the chapter on grief is the most accurate that ive found so far. Her webpage is full of articles that are so relatable. She is very in touch with her readers and will reply to comments on her FB page. Her techniques are pretty much recommended by every experienced person on this board (whether they realize it or not!). No, I don't get commission for her books. I am just in the pit of misery and understand where you are.

 

Do you feel better after crying? Is there any one thing that makes you feel better? Are there ANY good days, hours, or minutes? What I have learned (5 months out) is that it comes in waves as they say. But the waves are mostly treacherous and long with only brief respites. You might one day think you've got it licked....just for that day....and it will be followed by days or weeks of sadness.

 

A recommendation I got today came from a podcast below. Her advice is to not avoid feeling any of the pain. Our brains are constantly looking for ways to avoid pain. Alcohol, sex, overthinking, obsessing, eating, not eating, you name it. She says that you can not process all of the emotions by thinking about them or avoiding them. You have to feel all of them or carry them with you forever. Anyway, I hope some of this helps you. Oh, and one last thing I read about while looking for something for a family member with a much more traumatic issue is ketamine for treatment resistant depression. It might not be available in your area, is probably expensive, is not permanent, but it does provide immediate relief. Just a thought. Take care of yourself!

 

https://player.fm/series/breakup-recovery-podcast/111-how-to-stop-holding-yourself-back-and-find-happiness-after-your-breakup-with-michelle-chalfant

[CubbyBear]

Thanks for all the advice it really is appreciated, but also a little overwhelming and a lot of it seems impossible at the moment.

 

You're right when you mention self esteem issues and co dependency I'm definitely sure I suffer both of these as well as abandonment issues stemming back to childhood and the lack of a male role model.

 

Before this relationship I was also in a pretty toxic relationship with my child's father for many years and the one before it wasn't much better either.

 

I think that's partly why I'm struggling so much this time round as this relationship was my first in a long time that was healthy and where I was actually happy so it seems like a bigger loss, I'd found someone reliable that seemed to want the same things and I can't help think that maybe I was to blame for the way things turned out.

 

I know I need to learn to be on my own again which I haven't been

 

Sorry. I didn't mean for it to be overwhelming. Baby steps. Set 1-2 smalls goals a day. Even if it's just getting outside for 10 minutes or eating a banana. Work up from there. Thinking of you and hope you're doing ok!

[Bigboss29]

Anti depressant wont help the more you sink therefore you would want stronger ones , you will need to use them as a boost (I was on them years back, I only sank further).... I'm worried that you can become suicidal once the medication stops working.... I believe there is a way out for everybody but its the choice you make..... Nobody can save you unless you save yourself.....