Can Deep and open flourish with closed and surface deep?

[Gracelessmom]

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

 

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

 

I am a very introspective person and like having discussions with my wife all the time.

 

It is one of our main forms of quality time and it is a very important aspect of our relationship.

 

I could not ever be with someone who communicates as you described your spouse to.

 

I feel like because we have such strong communication skills we overcome all of our issues. That openness is a requirement for me with a spouse.

 

But it is not fair to expect him to change from the man you married.

 

But it is also ok to inform him that it is something you now need to have in your relationship.

 

But if his love language doesn't include that kind of dialog in his quality time there might not be much hope.

 

Thank you I appreciate this response.

This really helps a lot.

[Fishbite]

Congratulations on making the commitment to engage in a 13 week course to rebuild.

 

Is this done in a group setting or with a counselor?

 

If the two of you can open yourselves up to active listening, the possibilities are great.

 

No doubt he will have some issues with your behaviour as well.

 

Do you treat him like a simpleton?

Maybe without realising?

[Gracelessmom]

It's small group lead my someone who went though similar things who turned their pain in to a passion over seen by an expert.

 

I don't treat him like a hes dumb . I look forward to to hearing anything from him even if it's areas in lacking. As long as we are making progress

[Wiseman2]

It's still unclear what you mean and what you want. Is he giving you the silent treatment with one word grunts? Is there a general apathy and lack of communication? How does he respond to joint matters such as childcare, household things, fiances, etc.? It's also unclear why there needs to be a discussion about dinner. What's important to you? What's important to him? What would you like to talk about?

The only thing has changed recently is my desire and ability to gain independence. Discussion about anything and everything. Our sons progress in school. What I should make for dinner. From the most ordinary discussion to anything deeper.

[Gracelessmom]

It's still unclear what you mean and what you want. Is he giving you the silent treatment with one word grunts? Is there a general apathy and lack of communication? How does he respond to joint matters such as childcare, household things, fiances, etc.? It's also unclear why there needs to be a discussion about dinner. What's important to you? What's important to him? What would you like to talk about?

 

Complete apathy a lack of communication. When i talk to him he just stares at me with a vacant look on his face. If answers it usually i don't know or it does not matter.

 

There needs to be a discussion about dinner because I vegan so if you doesn't tell me what he wants for dinner I just make want ever and he don't want that i have wasted my time. Because I make a different dinner for me.

 

I do not know what is important to him that is the problem. Its important to me to have him participate in our life other then financially.

 

I want to talk about lots of things eventually. But guess we can start with who is he. Because you can. Meet him and in a hour know pretty much everything I know about him.

[Wiseman2]

That would be a normal response to what's for dinner, because it's honest. Just make what you want. He'll figure what he wants. So what if he doesn't want to eat vegan stuff? Do you plan things on weekends or have date nights and get a babysitter? Why is he suddenly a stranger to you? You're married and have a kid. Do you mean he's checked out emotionally?

If answers it usually i don't know or it does not matter. There needs to be a discussion about dinner because I vegan. I make a different dinner for me. Its important to me to have him participate in our life other then financially.

[SGH]

After reading through the thread, it sounds like you guys are mutually discontented with one another. The communication issues you speak of may just be a symptom of a wider problem, though I have yet to hear you speak of any other issues you currently have that lead to signing up for the 13-week course.

 

You mentioned having low self-worth. It sounds to me that you're taking his wish to not speak in any great extent as a comment on his feelings for you. Does he or you have any friends or hobbies? People or activities where you're more passionate? What you're describing sounds like a general malaise. Try spicing up your marriage, even if it's just you pursuing a new hobby and making new connections (friendship only of course).

 

Marriage is a commitment forever. I don't think enough people take that seriously when they choose to get married. If you want your relationship to continue to work and make you both happy, you may need to think outside the box. This is not to say that it's all on you. Partners tend to have a great deal of influence on one another, though, and if your husband sees you making some changes or doing new things, it could spark the conversation you so desire.

[Gracelessmom]

That would be a normal response to what's for dinner, because it's honest. Just make what you want. He'll figure what he wants. So what if he doesn't want to eat vegan stuff? Do you plan things on weekends or have date nights and get a babysitter? Why is he suddenly a stranger to you? You're married and have a kid. Do you mean he's checked out emotionally?

 

He's never been emotionally present. He not suddenly a stranger. He's always been an acquaintance. Your under the asumption that this relationship developed in a typical way. No there there is much chaos and back story that you would have to know before you could ask these questions to me like in exaggerating or being theatrical. I'm not your run of the mill lonely house wife blowing everything out of proportion.

 

We both made some desperate choice throughout span of out relationship that has lead to this accurately described situation we have are self in right know.

 

All l wanted to know is it possible to be in a fulfilling relationship with a person who is not open to receive or give intimacy at all. Completely closed blank stares and silence. A stonewalling master when you are the opposite open, honest and always changing?

The answer is no. No I can't. He has to be present and participate. He doesn't need be prefect achieve success just needs to make an effort. I can't do anything more than I have thus far without him.

 

No my question was if he does come through and and we work through everything we need to and actually get to a place where can exist peacefully. But he's still not big on expressing his emotions and sharing he thoughts and opinions on stuff. Can we life a fulfilling life as man and wife if I'm open and he's reserved by nature?

 

 

 

Why are you so considered with my dinner inquiries. I don't serve him vegan food, him and the kids eat a standard diet. I don't like to leave him without or to "figure it out" because he won't, he'll sulk. More than normal. A be bitter and resentful all day and the the next.

[Gracelessmom]

After reading through the thread, it sounds like you guys are mutually discontented with one another. The communication issues you speak of may just be a symptom of a wider problem, though I have yet to hear you speak of any other issues you currently have that lead to signing up for the 13-week course.

 

You mentioned having low self-worth. It sounds to me that you're taking his wish to not speak in any great extent as a comment on his feelings for you. Does he or you have any friends or hobbies? People or activities where you're more passionate? What you're describing sounds like a general malaise. Try spicing up your marriage, even if it's just you pursuing a new hobby and making new connections (friendship only of course).

 

Marriage is a commitment forever. I don't think enough people take that seriously when they choose to get married. If you want your relationship to continue to work and make you both happy, you may need to think outside the box. This is not to say that it's all on you. Partners tend to have a great deal of influence on one another, though, and if your husband sees you making some changes or doing new things, it could spark the conversation you so desire.

 

I used to feel that way about marriage too but I'm so exhausted. You all these wonderful suggestions that I would love to do with him . problem is I need him to participate in order to do these things.

 

Yes I haven't gotten in detail about our other issues because they are too much to share with the public.

 

Yes I do take him unwillingness to include me in his world and the uninterest he has know about mine as a direct statement about the love and importance he has for me.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that your marriage is simply over? You've both developed such resentment and contempt. That this has nothing to do with who's reserved, who's talkative, etc. Are you hoping that if he communicates more the bilateral contempt will improve? Sadly it seems there is a lot more wrong here than talking or not.

[Gracelessmom]

Have you considered that your marriage is simply over? You've both developed such resentment and contempt. That this has nothing to do with who's reserved, who's talkative, etc. Are you hoping that if he communicates more the bilateral contempt will improve? Sadly it seems there is a lot more wrong here than talking or not.

 

Yes that's where I am a exactly.

[reinventmyself]

In my experience peoples level of empathy and introspection are for the most part hardwired.

If brought to someone's attention it can be worked on or sometimes people have some sort of epiphany about it after a life crisis. But any progress, if possible is slight. They are still basically who they are.

 

I've had this conversation with my youngest son recently after some repeated frustrations trying to connect with his father. Where my ex is concerned, what you see is what you get. There isn't much going on below the surface. And that's ok.

 

My youngest son is very intense and philosophical. So much so, he can get pretty caught up in the big picture and miss the point. It's probably no surprise he and his Dad don't `get' each other and there is often tension between the two. My oldest son doesn't take things very seriously, is much more flexible and he and his dad get along pretty well.

 

I guess what I am trying to say here is from you what you've describe, what you are asking is pretty much like asking a fish to fly.

 

So . .what do you with it? That's up to you. He was this way when you married him. Is it going to be enough to sustain you for the duration? and you need to consider what's fair to him.

 

No, he isn't autistic or has limitations. He's just different than you are.

At the same time, I understand. It's really difficult to maintain an intimate relationship with someone you can't connect with intimately.

 

Just know a large percentage of people are much him . . just as many are like yourself.

[Gracelessmom]

In my experience peoples level of empathy and introspection are for the most part hardwired.

If brought to someone's attention it can be worked on or sometimes people have some sort of epiphany about it after a life crisis. But any progress, if possible is slight. They are still basically who they are.

 

I've had this conversation with my youngest son recently after some repeated frustrations trying to connect with his father. Where my ex is concerned, what you see is what you get. There isn't much going on below the surface. And that's ok.

 

My youngest son is very intense and philosophical. So much so, he can get pretty caught up in the big picture and miss the point. It's probably no surprise he and his Dad don't `get' each other and there is often tension between the two. My oldest son doesn't take things very seriously, is much more flexible and he and his dad get along pretty well.

 

I guess what I am trying to say here is from you what you've describe, what you are asking is pretty much like asking a fish to fly.

 

So . .what do you with it? That's up to you. He was this way when you married him. Is it going to be enough to sustain you for the duration? and you need to consider what's fair to him.

 

No, he isn't autistic or has limitations. He's just different than you are.

At the same time, I understand. It's really difficult to maintain an intimate relationship with someone you can't connect with intimately.

 

Just know a large percentage of people are much him . . just as many are like yourself.

 

Thank you this was insightful. I really understand what you are saying. It make senses.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

Our communication patterns were similar. John Gottman books may be useful -- if you don't them, just google. They will readily come up.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you this was insightful. I really understand what you are saying. It make senses.

 

My marriage ended for a lot of reasons. This was one of them. If it were just that in itself I would have stayed, but my list of other issues was incredibly long. So when I say I understand, I really do.

 

I learned a valuable lesson from it and when I was dating I was on the look out for someone who has some depth and personal introspection.

I know what it's like to go with out it.

[IAmFCA]

My marriage ended for a lot of reasons. This was one of them. If it were just that in itself I would have stayed, but my list of other issues was incredibly long. So when I say I understand, I really do.

 

I learned a valuable lesson from it and when I was dating I was on the look out for someone who has some depth and personal introspection.

I know what it's like to go with out it.

 

Same here. I also learned to see it in unspoken ways. When I couldn't find it or feel it at all... I moved on. Am now with someone who is quite verbal. It is so annoying. He laughs at my reluctance. I appreciate his communication. I can't stand it, sometimes, but it makes me and us much much better.

[reinventmyself]

Same here. I also learned to see it in unspoken ways. When I couldn't find it or feel it at all... I moved on. Am now with someone who is quite verbal. It is so annoying. He laughs at my reluctance. I appreciate his communication. I can't stand it, sometimes, but it makes me and us much much better.

 

lol. . .careful what you wish for, huh?

I refer to my new bf as `my best girlfriend' for the same reasons. He just laughs.

[DanZee]

Yes I haven't gotten in detail about our other issues because they are too much to share with the public.

 

So you're saying there's actually other problems in your relationship that you're not talking about? What's really going on? Is he abusing you? Is he cheating on you? What is really going on in your relationship? Limiting your question to only one aspect of your problems only gets you the answers you want to hear and not the advice you really need.

[abitbroken]

I think that you should see a therapist or chat with a close female friend if you want to talk about deeply introspective matters. So that when you see your husband, a bit of that charge has burned off and you can engage with him in a non-loaded way. Not everyone responds to conversations that are basically a psychoanalysis of oneself. Maybe when you take the load off so to speak, you can be more at ease with your husband, actively listening better with no burning lead to unload on him. I do think that you do need to share what else is going on because it could be that is why your husband is frustrated or annoyed

[IAmFCA]

lol. . .careful what you wish for, huh?

I refer to my new bf as `my best girlfriend' for the same reasons. He just laughs.

 

So true! He has heard about all my dates for over a decade...oh my goodness

[IAmFCA]

So true! He has heard about all my dates for over a decade...oh my goodness

 

Lol oops. We were friends first.