Should I Ask Him to Text/Communicate with me more?

[reinventmyself]

I am pretty independent but at the same time after a couple days of zero communication I feel such a disconnect, it takes me hours with someone before I feel like I am back on track.

 

So I understand why that would bother you. A relationship is much like a fire and you need to put wood on the fire to keep it going. Even if it goes into a slow simmer on the days in between. You just don't want to risk letting it completely die out each time. The fact that he doesn't respond at all just doesn't feel right but everything else you describe makes him sound like a pretty good guy.

 

Just a thought. . when talking to him about it, frame it in terms of what you like and/or what you need. People respond better to that than a complaint. Even if it's constructive, the information can make someone feel defensive and everything else after that just becomes a blur.

[1a1a]

I’d find those few days of what feels like enforced silence to be torture. Katrina is right, texting is a way of maintaining the connection. Are you familiar with the concept of bids? https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

 

Do you feel like you two have grown closer over time and are building a life together?

 

Maybe you have mutually exclusive needs and ones happiness will always come at the expense of the other.

 

But certainly, have this conversation first. At the very least, tell your guy that when he gives you radio silence the relationship dies a little, for look, you are already making less bids to him.

 

Compromise looks like, you can text on your days apart if you find something worth sharing but with restraint, and he makes the effort to reply. Why would he Not knowing how much the silence cuts you?!

[Wiseman2]

Ok why not change your approach rather than have yet another talk asking him to change? For example if you feel you don't communicate well and tend to be reticent, "indirect", etc. then learn to speak up clearly when in person and talking. Also repeatedly banging your head against a wall by sending these type of texts which require no response, trying a different approach makes more sense.

 

Sending 'have a nice day', 'thinking of you', 'did you see this was on sale', etc. is not really communication, it random chitchat. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Try not to be a puzzle that someone else has to figure out.

I had indirectly mentioned to him that I would like to communicate more on our off days, but his response was literally that he can't stand talking on the phone or texting and prefers to do it in person.I will bring it up again to him tonight that I've been feeling disconnected when we don't communicate at all during those times and see what his response is.

[Anaya]

Just an update: I talked with him over the weekend. I told him I felt disconnected when we didn't see each other for a couple days and asked if it would be alright if I called him on the off days just to talk for a few minutes if I was having a rough day or just needed to connect. He said he'd have no problem with that as long as it doesn't turn into a 3 hour conversation. He also said we can try to start having lunch once or twice a week again. So overall, I feel better about things.

[1a1a]

Good use of your words :-)

[Wiseman2]

He already stated you should call if there's an issue. That hasn't changed. He also stated he was game for having lunch here and there more often. However he's still not going to respond to meaningless texts like 'thinking of you', 'this was on sale', and this type of random chitchat. He stated he hates texting so that won't change. He doesn't want a text buddy. So basically your 'talk' didn't change anything, nor would it. Why can't you compromise by modifying your communication style a bit? Try texting info, facts, a question, etc..stop the meaningless chitchat.

I did ask him if he would have a problem with me calling him if I ever felt like I really needed to talk, and he said basically what you said - that yes it would be fine if I called him to vent, as long as it's not happening all the time.

[katrina1980]

Just an update: I talked with him over the weekend. I told him I felt disconnected when we didn't see each other for a couple days and asked if it would be alright if I called him on the off days just to talk for a few minutes if I was having a rough day or just needed to connect. He said he'd have no problem with that as long as it doesn't turn into a 3 hour conversation. He also said we can try to start having lunch once or twice a week again. So overall, I feel better about things.

 

This is good news!

 

I had a feeling he was envisioning long protracted text exchanges on your "off" days (I think I even mentioned that in an earlier post), so I am glad you spoke up and clarified exactly what you needed, and he clarified what he needed!

 

That's what it all about, communicating.

 

Sounds really positive Anaya, best of luck!