Realizing I lost a darn good girl.

[Red88]

So I messed up a relationship with a very good girl. I don’t know how else to explain it. The relationship ended due to issues with me. I know it’s not right to accept full guilt, but I’m telling you that it was entirely my fault.

 

Knowing this makes it extremely hard to get over. Excellent Mom, everything. Geez I wish I could just know then what I know now, but it’s gone way beyond that. As far as I can tell, she is done and I really feel it.

 

Question - how hard is it gonna be to find a beyond excellent woman again. Are they rare ? Did I screw up a really good thing and may never get another chance at another ? It just seems extra hard knowing this.

[boltnrun]

This is from your first post here:

"Ok so we move around and finally end up in the X's hometown. I know nobody. She has more cousins and family than you can shake a stick at. They're everywhere, I'm saying this because its her emotional support system that I lacked majorly. I had nobody. No friends, nothin. Just me and my kids. She moved into an apartment and I was not welcome to stay overnight, just come and go to see my kids, babysit, etc. I found a job and started working but it was only temp. I worked till this job was up, saved money, all the while I was living out of a hotel. I had no place to go and I darn sure wasn't leaving my kids, especially since my son was just diagnosed with cancer. I was there no matter what. The temp job I was working for ended and I soon was unemployed but actively still looking to seek employment. Everything was gravy up until she started seeing and talking to someone else. I was devastated, my world shattered and my heart sank. I did not see this coming. Compounded by her telling me things like "your kids like him" to "we had our first kiss" to "he's staying the night". I was a mess and I couldn't believe she was just throwing this in my face. She placed a restraining order on me while she was seeing this guy (I honestly think to prove to him that I wouldn't be a problem). I had no clue why she did this. Yes I called one night a few times in a row. That's it. Now I'm no saint but this was hurtful and mean, plus she was being extremely rude"

 

 

She doesn't sound "beyond excellent" to me. You are idealizing her in your post-breakup haze.

 

It will take some time, but soon enough you won't view her as a unicorn with a halo above her head anymore.

 

Focus on your kids and continue being an excellent dad to them (you did move closer to them, correct?).

 

And yes, good women are out there. Somewhere not too far away there's a single mother wondering "Will anyone ever want me? Is there a good man out there for me?"

[Red88]

I’m in the process of moving closer to them. Long story short, my job (8hrs away) will end in August and I’ll be getting a decent severance pay. I’m planning to move to a city that is 1.5 hrs away to be closer to my kids.

 

Is that normal to view the one you lost as a unicorn? Like the utmost perfect person? I’m at fault for most if not all of the demise of this relationship. Nothing physical. I just wanna put that out there. I’d never and will ever stoop that low, ever in my entire life that’s a fact. I know I’m just some random guy but please don’t view me as the devil. I made mistakes and I’d be happy to share them, but that’s besides the point. I’ve acknowledged I made mistakes. That’s a fact.

 

I watched something on YouTube of a guy who saying “girls you should never lose” something along those lines. She met all the standards. So I’m left feeling like I screwed up a relationship with a really amazing girl. Yes I’m in that phase of researching how to get a girl back, etc. You know what I’m saying. Which phase is this ?

 

It’s odd to think, here I am reading and watching this stuff knowing she could care less about any of it. That’s how I’m spending my most of my time and quite frankly most of my day.

 

Not initiating any contact. Working on setting boundaries. FaceTime from the kids I can’t turn down.

 

I was being short and direct in text messages the other day with my ex. She called, I was still being short and direct and she asked why I was being so short. It wasn’t FaceTime just a call from her about something I wanna say meaningless, I can’t remember.

 

Red88

[boltnrun]

So you're just going to forget all the things in your original post? Did those things not happen? Did the things I highlighted in my quote just not exist, or are you thinking you can just erase all of that if she'd just take you back?

 

I have to wonder why you think a woman who "meets all your standards" is one who cheated, who placed a restraining order on you and who moved into an apartment that you were not allowed to be at. How do those things make her an "amazing girl"?

 

Or have you decided she did all those awful things because you deserved them?

[Red88]

She didn’t cheat. We were not together when the whole talking to another guy thing happened. She had free will we weren’t together. Now as far as that goes, I’m not sure if it was really real or she was just making me jealous. I’ll never know.

 

Idk. I’m tryna figure out what phase I’m in, and what phase is next.

 

Red88

[boltnrun]

Bargaining.

 

Maybe you think if you accept 100% of the blame you will be rewarded with another chance.

 

No phase will be "next" because it's not a recipe or directions to a destination. Or, it's the road to a destination but there are many curves, turns and forks. So you'll end up where you end up. It's not set in stone that depression will follow bargaining, or that denial is always first.

 

But acceptance is always the goal. Not only to accept where your life led you but to accept who you are and how you got where you are.

 

Believe it or not, I thought I would just die when my ex dumped me because he "wasn't feeling it". But time went by and I not only no longer wanted him, but I no longer loved him. He tried to start dating me again a few years later and I just couldn't even force myself to be around him. I found him insufferable and boring. And this is a guy who I believe I would love forever.

[DanZee]

Yeah, she doesn't sound like a unicorn to me. There are other women around. Boltnrun has some great advice for you.

[Red88]

Thank you boltrun. It’s crazy how we think they are like a god send. But from talking to you and having an outside perspective, they just aren’t. Why do our minds set us up for such deception? Crazy right?

 

Throughout this breakup and looking back, I try to analyze my feelings. They all come from our brain. I’m so amazed that such feelings can be produced when hit with such trama like a breakup or with the loss of life, which I think is a similar reaction in the sense of our minds reacting to our reality. I’m in awe. When things are great, oh my how our body reacts to such a feeling. But when things are bad it’s like your body freaks out. Like our body’s are not adapted to negative situations, only good. Why not have it to where we are adapted to good and bad. Like I said, I really analyze these feelings, and have that moment when I really get in touch and say wow this is weird. All these feelings going on inside our heads it just makes me scratch my head and say why. Why is this such a big deal in the sense of our brains. They literally freak out. Idk. But like most everyone says, it’s a time thing. Its crazy. Time will remedy this problem I’m certain.

 

In comparison. It’s almost like a game. Your mind vs you which “you” is still actually your mind. The mind is a very powerful thing indeed. Look at what some people have been capable in terms of history. Exceptional capabilities. It’s a challenge to me, who’s gonna win. I fight it. Like Xbox, you beat a level then your onto the next level, and soon enough your facing the boss. Who’s gonna win. The purpose is to win. Even if it takes you multiple tries, the goal is to beat the game. I’m in this thing to beat the game. In relationship terms, you’ll be set free, just gotta win the game.

 

Sorry I got all involved into this lol.

 

Red88

[SherrySher]

Look up articles on the process of mourning, this is what you're experiencing right now. You are also putting her on a pedestal and forgetting all the ways in which she wasn't good to you.

Yes, she might have been free to see other men but the fact is, if she truly loved you she wouldn't be replacing you that quickly, she would be more interested in trying to work things out with you.

 

If you truly do feel it was your fault why not work on yourself and fix the things that broke up your relationship before you get back into dating.

And in the meantime, heal from all of this.

[Red88]

I hear that women and men (whoever is unhappy in the relationship), prepare themselves long before the breakup, emotionally and sometimes physically for the day that the relationship ends. So the dumper is actually much further along in the healing process than the dumpee at the time of the break up.

 

So if the dumper has had time (years or months) to prepare themselves for the breakup, who’s to determine the timeframe in which the dumper moves on as to fast or slow? Maybe they weren’t talking to anyone while in the relationship, but the amount of time in which the dumper moves on shouldn’t gauge there worth. Yes some move on rather quickly after they end things, but in there mind they’ve been single for a long time, but they’ve had a title of husband or wife or bf/gf. So they haven’t formally moved on while in the relationship or shouldn’t I should say, because that would be cheating, but again, in there mind they’ve been so emotionally detached that when they finally call it quits, there miles ahead of the dumpee. So if they break it off, then a week later there in another relationship, who’s to say that’s to fast as far as the dumper goes ? Most likely if they’ve moved on super fast after the breakup, they already have know the person in which they move on to, but didn’t want to cheat. So they breakup and move on to whoever has been there emotional crutch or has whispered sweet things in there ear most likely a rebound . Then they get GIGS, then possibly take you back if they think it’s worth it but maybe not.

 

The dumper in some/most cases has healed and made a well thought out choice to move on. That’s why typically the dumper moves on faster than the dumpee. In my opinion.

 

Red88

[Red88]

I do completely agree Sherrysher. 100%. This has been an eye opener. This breakup that I’m going through has and continually teaches me things I never would have known if I wouldn’t have gone through it.

 

I have always been one to learn from my mistakes. I’ve never emphasized this in relationships till now. Heartache sux. It’s horrible. I’m learning everything I can from this to try an prevent it ever happening again. With my luck it will lol

 

Red88

[Carus]

Idealizing the Relationship.

 

Yes we all do it. And even if we think about the not so good stuff, we still miss them.

 

I do the same with my exwife. The flaws she has seem miniscule compared to the good, but they 'are' still there and in a lot of ways contributed to the demise of the relationship.

 

From the great book 'How to Fix A Broken Heart' by Guy Winch: He had a client who loved cocaine. To the point where he had to have an operation on his left nostril because the cartilage collapsed from sniffing the stuff.

 

Dr Winch asked him 'So what did you do?'.

 

The guy replied 'I just started using my other nostril'...!

 

The point being that we do the same thing with rejected love. We are addicted to that person because of the good feelings they brought to us and want more of that regardless of the damage that will occur if you keep trying to go back now that their feelings have changed.

 

They're changed feelings are now the cocaine.

 

I've been in so many relationships that I was deeply attached to that person but can think of only 2 that I felt fully whole with.

 

So I may never find that again.

 

But I do know that yes you can be with someone else and build a good and happy life with them.

 

If our exes have ended things now then they've really done a great thing by opening the door for someone who WILL love us for who we are....and hopefully be more committed rather than just walking away because of what could be considered fairly minor details.

 

Sending You Strength Brother.

 

Carus*

[Red88]

Same to you Carus.

Thank you to all who replied.

 

Stay strong. The beginning is always the hardest, don’t give up or give in to your fearful mind. You can do it. It’s you vs your mind which is still you in a sense. Win this battle and you will be set free. You’re all worth it.

 

Red88

[CubbyBear]

Thread needs to be changed to "Realizing my ex lost a darn good man"

[Red88]

CubbyBear, thank you for that reply . You just made my night.

 

:)

 

Red88

[DoneWithU]

"I hear that women and men (whoever is unhappy in the relationship), prepare themselves long before the breakup, emotionally and sometimes physically for the day that the relationship ends. So the dumper is actually much further along in the healing process than the dumpee at the time of the break up. "

 

 

How true.

 

My ex who left me seems to bounce around happy as pie, while I can barely function.