Am I weird for arguing about not completing college?

[Future]

We have been together for almost 4 years. I was waiting for her to finish her studies, so that we could move on with our life. Save up money, rent out our house and find a place in the sun to live for example. This is what I thought we both wanted and what we discussed. Then last year she passed her gruaduation thesis, but since she had a few classes to catch up on we would have to wait another year. "Ok, fine" I told her, "that's okay. I can wait." Help pay for everything until she's finished so she had less worries and more time to spend on school. Then a few days ago she told me she wasn't going to make it. We would have to wait another year. I felt kinda devastated, since I know that she did nothing for school. I told her I'm going to stop supporting her this year and that she has to work to pay her own studies and our house, because I want to start saving and looking towards the future.

 

Is this weird? Am I wrong for doing this? It has gotten to a point that I feel unhappy about our relationship. And we argue all the time. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[abitbroken]

you should not have been financially supporting her. That should be her financial aid, money from working, student loans, parents if they agreed to help pay for college, etc. You had set the bar that you were going to marry when she finished her studies. Does she want to marry, still? You have a choice to propose and get an engaged and set a wedding date for one year from when she starts next semester or wait for her to finish to see where you both are at, etc, or to move on.

 

On the other side of this -- sometimes some classes are only offered certain semesters and if you try to take them in the wrong semester (ie, part 2 of a class might only be offered in the winter term, etc) you have to wait a year. I think you need to find out the facts without being controlling or treating her like a child.

 

Also, since you agreed to help her finish school - she won't finish any faster with you suddenly cutting her off.

are you only arguing about this issue, or do you argue over everything else, too?

[DancingFool]

Well....I mean this raises a lot of questions. What are those classes, did she actually take them, does she need them to graduate, did she fail them and if so, why? Meaning that just because you have more time on your hands to study doesn't mean you'll pass the exams and get those classes/subjects out of the way. So what is the real issue with her. Also, good points above in terms of whether those classes were available in the first place.

 

Also, is she using this as a way to stay put where she is. Is she able to come to you and be honest that she doesn't want to move and do what you wish? Does she feel like a dependent and therefore without a voice and a choice?

 

When you are arguing all the time, perhaps it's time to take a closer look at the overall health of your relationship rather than focusing on her graduation. Does she want out but can't afford to leave? Probably time for you two to have a very very honest talk about things and be open to hear what you don't want to hear.

[abitbroken]

Also, is she using this as a way to stay put where she is. Is she able to come to you and be honest that she doesn't want to move and do what you wish? Does she feel like a dependent and therefore without a voice and a choice?

 

all good points. She may feel that if she has doubts about marriage, she sort of now "owes" you to marry you because of what you have paid out in supporting her schooling and the courseload could be really genuinely tough or its a total imbalance and feels slightly kept. That is something you should do as a husband and not a boyfriend - i have seen spouses take turns on going to school and the other one working and then trading off. There is no way she will be able to be totally honest with you if you hold all the cards - its your house, you pay for her schooling, she has no other job right now or just part time and she has no other place to go. That's a really precarious situation to be in.

[catfeeder]

Then a few days ago she told me she wasn't going to make it. We would have to wait another year.

 

What does this mean, exactly? Did she miss classes or not take them or just fail what she took? If she failed, why?

 

Also, why wait a whole year to retake the classes when she can possibly grab them somewhere else nights, weekends, over the summer?

 

The issue is too vague to understand, but I don't think you're wrong to decide that the gravy train is over. She lead you to believe that you were supporting her completion of school, and she waited until the end to tell you that this wasn't the case. I can't speak for you, but that kind of deception would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Deceit is not a partnership--it's something else.

[j.man]

"Our house" as in under both of your names? Was she able to put in a down payment despite seemingly having been in school most if not all this time? How old is each of you?

 

I'm not sure I'm willing to call her situation precarious, at least not in the sense of sheer self-preservation. If you two had a child and she were physically unable to fend for herself even if she wanted to due to being responsible for another person, I'd more understand not being able to be honest. IF she is in fact being dishonest about something to avoid losing the support she has, that'd be for the sake of preserving her privilege rather than acting or inacting out of necessity. She's more than free to simply chalk up the however many years of support as having had a break from the financial obligations other students have to juggle. Like DF, I'd be curious to know why she failed and why it will take longer. Also, are these arguments happening because she's upset that you're no longer going to financially support her? Or is it because you keep pushing the issue? I will say I'd been supporting my partner through the year only to be informed at the very end it wouldn't pan out, at least without a very good reason.

 

That said, you've also kinda shot yourself in the foot. As noted, making such a financial sacrifice for a partner without a serious life commitment such as marriage is pretty much begging disaster. No, you're not obligated to financially support her through college, and you're free to decide you've put enough risk and stake in at any point. In fact, I'd make the same decision you did (though maybe not making a dramatic ordeal of it, just "I can't afford to support you another year, but we'll work out the kinks"). But she's also free to pursue her degree as she sees fit and as she's able to. You're not a company or the military, who's agreed to support her under contract with certain conditions applying. You took on the risk of it not unfolding seamlessly, whether she's at fault for it or not.

 

It's a difficult situation to be terribly sympathetic for any parties involved, at least with the information provided.

[itsallgrand]

Have you been financially supporting your girlfriend for all the four years you've been together? Is the house in her name too, or just yours?

[abitbroken]

What does this mean, exactly? Did she miss classes or not take them or just fail what she took? If she failed, why?

 

Also, why wait a whole year to retake the classes when she can possibly grab them somewhere else nights, weekends, over the summer?

 

The issue is too vague to understand, but I don't think you're wrong to decide that the gravy train is over. She lead you to believe that you were supporting her completion of school, and she waited until the end to tell you that this wasn't the case. I can't speak for you, but that kind of deception would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Deceit is not a partnership--it's something else.

 

agree -- but when you get down to brass tacks and aren't needing to pick up basic general ed classes and they are specialized advanced classes in your major that are offered less frequently - then it may be that the class is only offered at certain times. if she was missing a comp class or a basic science class or needed to fulfill a requirement of any history class - i am with you, but if its a very specialized class - then yes she may have to wait. In my major, the 101 class was offered every semester, but to take 102 it was ONLY in the winter semester.

[DanZee]

Well, if you're arguing all the time, you have a problem with the relationship. What are the arguments about? Are you trying to get her to take the classes and she's not willing to? You probably need to give her an ultimatum. You gave her the extra year, now she's got to get to work and start making money. That you can't support her anymore.

[greendots]

Then a few days ago she told me she wasn't going to make it. We would have to wait another year.

 

I know that she did nothing for school.

 

Quite frankly, as some have already suggested, relevant questions are: why isn't she making it and why is it taking longer? I'd also add: Does she enjoy her studies? Is she at a crossroad?

 

People who are passionate about what they study generally get into it. However, I've seen passionate students being challenged so greatly that as a consequence they were almost giving up. Some even faced depression. Some were struggling with their studies due to forces unrelated to their studies (e.g. family matters). So, their degree took longer than originally planned.

 

Honestly, it might be a good idea for her to talk to a professional counsellor or someone who can guide her.

[Minikimini]

It could very well be that this amazing life you're trying to steer her into isn't exactly what she wants to do with her life, but you're not listening to her--and this is how she's getting through to you.

 

You need to sit down and have a frank conversation with her about where you intend upon getting off this ride, since you say:

I feel unhappy about our relationship.

I felt kinda devastated, .

I told her I'm going to stop supporting her this year and that she has to work to pay her own studies and our house, because I want to start saving and looking towards the future.

 

Since her being demonstrably, educationally and financially on her feet is important to you so that you can live this life you've envisioned, there is no reason for either one of you to be in the dark on this goal of yours. That's why, for me, it's perplexing that you're asking us when you should be asking her what her intentions are.

 

If you're arguing all the time, then that mean someone isn't listening and someone isn't being heard.

[Future]

Thank you all for your replies. I read through them all and I'm going to reply to them below.

 

you should not have been financially supporting her. That should be her financial aid, money from working, student loans, parents if they agreed to help pay for college, etc. You had set the bar that you were going to marry when she finished her studies. Does she want to marry, still? You have a choice to propose and get an engaged and set a wedding date for one year from when she starts next semester or wait for her to finish to see where you both are at, etc, or to move on.

 

On the other side of this -- sometimes some classes are only offered certain semesters and if you try to take them in the wrong semester (ie, part 2 of a class might only be offered in the winter term, etc) you have to wait a year. I think you need to find out the facts without being controlling or treating her like a child.

 

Also, since you agreed to help her finish school - she won't finish any faster with you suddenly cutting her off.

are you only arguing about this issue, or do you argue over everything else, too?

 

She doesn't know about the marriage. It was my own private goal/surprise. As of now she has always said she wants to marry, not sure if that has changed or not.

 

I have asked her the facts. She withhold them till the end though, because she said she was scared to disappoint me. The classes are mostly offered in the last semesters. She couldn't make it this year, because she was too inattentive to her emails and didn't sign up for the classes on time is what she told me at the end.

 

We are arguing over everything else too unfortunately. I guess we have bigger issues?

 

Well....I mean this raises a lot of questions. What are those classes, did she actually take them, does she need them to graduate, did she fail them and if so, why? Meaning that just because you have more time on your hands to study doesn't mean you'll pass the exams and get those classes/subjects out of the way. So what is the real issue with her. Also, good points above in terms of whether those classes were available in the first place.

 

Also, is she using this as a way to stay put where she is. Is she able to come to you and be honest that she doesn't want to move and do what you wish? Does she feel like a dependent and therefore without a voice and a choice?

 

When you are arguing all the time, perhaps it's time to take a closer look at the overall health of your relationship rather than focusing on her graduation. Does she want out but can't afford to leave? Probably time for you two to have a very very honest talk about things and be open to hear what you don't want to hear.

 

Answered some of your questions above.

 

I think she can be honest, she withholds things though when she knows it is going to disappoint me. The real issue is I think that she has no motivation or passion at all for her studies at the moment. She already knows she doesn't want to be in this workfield. But since her and I discussed this and we both agreed that she should finish it, since there's just only a few classes left out of 4 years. It would be a big waste to just stop now and be in school debt.

 

all good points. She may feel that if she has doubts about marriage, she sort of now "owes" you to marry you because of what you have paid out in supporting her schooling and the courseload could be really genuinely tough or its a total imbalance and feels slightly kept. That is something you should do as a husband and not a boyfriend - i have seen spouses take turns on going to school and the other one working and then trading off. There is no way she will be able to be totally honest with you if you hold all the cards - its your house, you pay for her schooling, she has no other job right now or just part time and she has no other place to go. That's a really precarious situation to be in.

 

True, however she doesn't know about the marriage thing. I've never told her. It was my own thing that I wanted to do. And that's true, she must feel precarious, but what can I do about this? I might not be good with words and might make her feel precarious sometimes, but I don't know what else to do sometimes?

 

What does this mean, exactly? Did she miss classes or not take them or just fail what she took? If she failed, why?

 

Also, why wait a whole year to retake the classes when she can possibly grab them somewhere else nights, weekends, over the summer?

 

The issue is too vague to understand, but I don't think you're wrong to decide that the gravy train is over. She lead you to believe that you were supporting her completion of school, and she waited until the end to tell you that this wasn't the case. I can't speak for you, but that kind of deception would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Deceit is not a partnership--it's something else.

 

I don't know if she means it that way. She immediately agreed to it and said that she doesn't mind working more to pay off her own school. I guess I just pushed myself in supporting her. I don't mind the lost money of this year, just don't want to do it another year.

 

"Our house" as in under both of your names? Was she able to put in a down payment despite seemingly having been in school most if not all this time? How old is each of you?

 

I'm not sure I'm willing to call her situation precarious, at least not in the sense of sheer self-preservation. If you two had a child and she were physically unable to fend for herself even if she wanted to due to being responsible for another person, I'd more understand not being able to be honest. IF she is in fact being dishonest about something to avoid losing the support she has, that'd be for the sake of preserving her privilege rather than acting or inacting out of necessity. She's more than free to simply chalk up the however many years of support as having had a break from the financial obligations other students have to juggle. Like DF, I'd be curious to know why she failed and why it will take longer. Also, are these arguments happening because she's upset that you're no longer going to financially support her? Or is it because you keep pushing the issue? I will say I'd been supporting my partner through the year only to be informed at the very end it wouldn't pan out, at least without a very good reason.

 

That said, you've also kinda shot yourself in the foot. As noted, making such a financial sacrifice for a partner without a serious life commitment such as marriage is pretty much begging disaster. No, you're not obligated to financially support her through college, and you're free to decide you've put enough risk and stake in at any point. In fact, I'd make the same decision you did (though maybe not making a dramatic ordeal of it, just "I can't afford to support you another year, but we'll work out the kinks"). But she's also free to pursue her degree as she sees fit and as she's able to. You're not a company or the military, who's agreed to support her under contract with certain conditions applying. You took on the risk of it not unfolding seamlessly, whether she's at fault for it or not.

 

It's a difficult situation to be terribly sympathetic for any parties involved, at least with the information provided.

 

Yes, our both names are on there, but because I have a permanent contract I own more on paper, but it is her house too. The arguments are happening about other things too sadly.. And I'm stupid enough to mention the school stuff during fights sometimes which makes her feel bad. Also, the way you say things sounds really good. Better than how I can express myself. I am very blunt sometimes.

 

Have you been financially supporting your girlfriend for all the four years you've been together? Is the house in her name too, or just yours?

 

Just that one year. But I make the most money here, so I'm always paying a bit more (groceries etc.). Answered the house name thing just above your quote.

 

It could very well be that this amazing life you're trying to steer her into isn't exactly what she wants to do with her life, but you're not listening to her--and this is how she's getting through to you.

 

You need to sit down and have a frank conversation with her about where you intend upon getting off this ride, since you say:

 

 

Since her being demonstrably, educationally and financially on her feet is important to you so that you can live this life you've envisioned, there is no reason for either one of you to be in the dark on this goal of yours. That's why, for me, it's perplexing that you're asking us when you should be asking her what her intentions are.

 

If you're arguing all the time, then that mean someone isn't listening and someone isn't being heard.

 

I have asked her that. She just says she doesn't know. She was never the ambitious one. I'm always the one wanting to do things, and she just follows. She says she doesn't mind that. She says she wants to go in IT, like me. She doesn't want to work in her studies workfield. Is why she has been postponing like this. I don't know. Maybe she's just different :S

 

I think I answered most of your questions with this. Thank you all for taking your time to help me. I really appreciate it.

[abitbroken]

She doesn't know about the marriage. It was my own private goal/surprise. As of now she has always said she wants to marry, not sure if that has changed or not.

 

I have asked her the facts. She withhold them till the end though, because she said she was scared to disappoint me. The classes are mostly offered in the last semesters. She couldn't make it this year, because she was too inattentive to her emails and didn't sign up for the classes on time is what she told me at the end.

 

We are arguing over everything else too unfortunately. I guess we have bigger issues?

 

Okay -- this puts a WAY different spin. She has no idea that you are wanting to marry her - you are treating her that she is deliberately putting a monkey wrench in that and you are aggravated and stewing and venting on her which is unfair. I thought it was a mutually agreed upon thing that you both had the goal of "we willl get married after graduation". If she has NO CLUE --- then she is doing class at her pace that she sees fit and for whatever reason she is not gung ho on wrapping it up which has nothing to do with the bar you set that is invisible and unknown to her.

 

She is not a child that is to be rewarded with candy or have candy witheld. She is a grown woman.

 

I am not convinced that you had an open conversation with her -- to me it sounds like you feel she has to 'report to you' and you are acting like a parent.

[Future]

She doesn't know about the marriage. It was my own private goal/surprise. As of now she has always said she wants to marry, not sure if that has changed or not.

 

I have asked her the facts. She withhold them till the end though, because she said she was scared to disappoint me. The classes are mostly offered in the last semesters. She couldn't make it this year, because she was too inattentive to her emails and didn't sign up for the classes on time is what she told me at the end.

 

We are arguing over everything else too unfortunately. I guess we have bigger issues?

 

Okay -- this puts a WAY different spin. She has no idea that you are wanting to marry her - you are treating her that she is deliberately putting a monkey wrench in that and you are aggravated and stewing and venting on her which is unfair. I thought it was a mutually agreed upon thing that you both had the goal of "we willl get married after graduation". If she has NO CLUE --- then she is doing class at her pace that she sees fit and for whatever reason she is not gung ho on wrapping it up which has nothing to do with the bar you set that is invisible and unknown to her.

 

She is not a child that is to be rewarded with candy or have candy witheld. She is a grown woman.

 

I am not convinced that you had an open conversation with her -- to me it sounds like you feel she has to 'report to you' and you are acting like a parent.

 

Thanks for the reply. Maybe I should look at it differently. I don't want to be acting like a parent. We did have an open conversation multiple times though. We would then agree on her finishing her studies this year so that we could think about our future together, like rent out our current house and move to something bigger and sunnier. We would get a job at a more sunny country. But now this is all postponed too. I just feel sad that we have to wait again. Our lifes feel "on-hold" because of her not finishing her studies. Is that really still like "parenting"? I'm really curious.

[Minikimini]

I have asked her that. She just says she doesn't know. She was never the ambitious one. I'm always the one wanting to do things, and she just follows. She says she doesn't mind that. She says she wants to go in IT, like me. She doesn't want to work in her studies workfield. Is why she has been postponing like this. I don't know. Maybe she's just different :S

 

 

So you're just now finding out after 4 years of knowing her that she has no ambition, no initiative and is content just to follow the current of her life?

 

The fair thing to do for both of you is for you to tell her that you're about to drop her off at the mall because she's not living up to your expectations (which are future resentments under construction--and I'd say the foundation for said resentment has been poured here)

 

I think it would be a good move on your part to ask her why she has been postponing, since you say you don't know why---that's some information you need to have, don't you think?

[Minikimini]

Okay -- this puts a WAY different spin. She has no idea that you are wanting to marry her - you are treating her that she is deliberately putting a monkey wrench in that and you are aggravated and stewing and venting on her which is unfair. I thought it was a mutually agreed upon thing that you both had the goal of "we willl get married after graduation". If she has NO CLUE --- then she is doing class at her pace that she sees fit and for whatever reason she is not gung ho on wrapping it up which has nothing to do with the bar you set that is invisible and unknown to her.

 

She is not a child that is to be rewarded with candy or have candy witheld. She is a grown woman.

 

I am not convinced that you had an open conversation with her -- to me it sounds like you feel she has to 'report to you' and you are acting like a parent.

 

Yaaaaaas! All of this this^^^^^

 

I just feel sad that we have to wait again. Our lifes feel "on-hold" because of her not finishing her studies. Is that really still like "parenting"? I'm really curious.

 

You're waiting because you haven't told her specifically that you marrying her hinges upon her finishing up her studies by a certain date. She's thinking she's got time because you've not said anything to her about the timetable you're on.

[abitbroken]

Thanks for the reply. Maybe I should look at it differently. I don't want to be acting like a parent. We did have an open conversation multiple times though. We would then agree on her finishing her studies this year so that we could think about our future together, like rent out our current house and move to something bigger and sunnier. We would get a job at a more sunny country. But now this is all postponed too. I just feel sad that we have to wait again. Our lifes feel "on-hold" because of her not finishing her studies. Is that really still like "parenting"? I'm really curious.

 

"OUR future" is a vague statement. Renting your place out and renting something bigger or in another country really doesn't sound like more commitment to me - its less so - since the house you co-own could be easily divested of when you are not living in it and moving to another country because its sunny rather than where her career would take her is a big premature. When she does graduate, are you willing to move to where is best for her career or is it sunshine or bust?

 

i think you should quit with the "marriage surprise" thing. what happens if she doesn't finish school because you get in a bad accident and she quits to take care of you? what if she starts to believe that the degree she almost has isn't what she wants to do and goes back for another year or two to make it a minor and take other classes to co-major? What if she is offered a job opportunity and takes it before she gets her degree? A million things could happen. Would you want to marry her regardless?

 

 

Moving to another country is a maybe/maybe not thing -- its just an option, not a goal.

 

So you need to decide that if you want to marry her -- you are going to have to learn to work on your mutual goals together, not "she needs to do this so i can surprise her with marriage".

[j.man]

To be completely honest, it's a sad ****ing day if "I didn't know you wanted to get married after this" could serve as any excuse not to light a candle under one's own ass to get their schooling done quickly when being financially supported to do so by someone else. I'm not saying whether she could have in fact gotten her degree this summer under the best of conditions, but if she could have if only she knew you wanted to get married, please dump her tomorrow.

 

The simple solution is to stop sponsoring her, dropping both your investment and your expectations. She can get a degree as she's able to while upholding her own financial obligations, and that way well mean you have to hold off on whatever goals you saw coming up. At this point, I think you're perfectly aware you jumped the gun (or at least you should be). It's time to recalibrate.

[catfeeder]

You say 'she doesn't know' why she failed school? And that passes for the answer you're willing to work with and expect us to help you with?

 

You haven't learned whether she's cut her classes or doesn't have the aptitude for them, and she hasn't learned your vision of a future with her. Neither of you sound mature enough or communicative enough to plan future goals, much less with one another.