I can’t orgasm with my fiancé

[Belle8]

I also wanting some other sexual things that he told me his not comfortable with or will try once and see... which probably means a no. I really actually enjoy giving him blow jobs. I said I would like it if when I gave him oral if he could be more dominant. So like ‘get on your knees and suck my...’ and forcing my head back and forth. But he said maybe he will try it but he doesn’t like anything that would hurt me. I tried to reassure him that it wouldn’t hurt, it would turn me on... he wasn’t that into it and I don’t think it will happen. But at least I asked

[Wiseman2]

So sacrificing your pleasure isn't a problem for you, it's a BDSM "pleasure"? Unless you are clear on what you want you, him and your relationship, things be very confusing and frustrating.

I said I would like it if when I gave him oral if he could be more dominant.

[tiredofvampires]

If a man looks like he's been punched in the face or gut because you said you want/need regular cunnilingus, I think you have a pretty serious problem on your hands that's not going to go away just by voicing that need. That should not come as a shock or surprise to any man. For one thing, as cunnilingus is for a huge number of women, if not the vast majority of women, the creme de la creme of foreplay activity, without which there is no adequate buildup or full enjoyment of sex, the men who are cut out to be good lovers don't need to be asked. They just know it. And they love it. Because they viscerally relish doing what brings pleasure. Most men will say they get something out of it, they're not just doing it "to please their sweetie" -- it's much more of a reciprocal mindset than what your partner is demonstrating.

 

It's concerning enough that you have to ask. But that in the preliminary, he presented it as a special gift to you suggests to me that he doesn't desire doing it. And that he KNOWS you want more of it, and KNOWS he did something differently, but has been withholding it. That would make me furious in your shoes. There's something really wrong with that.

 

And if he doesn't desire doing it -- why? I would want to know why. Maybe he doesn't enjoy giving oral, so doing it roughly desensitizes him somehow to what he's doing? Maybe he's physically uncomfortable and doesn't know how to position himself? I would hope it's something as technical as this, but it seems he knows how to do it right, he just for some reason doesn't want to. Which in your situation, I would want to get to the bottom of. It's not a full and frank, open conversation yet, you've only just scratched the surface.

 

You've grown up with a lot of assumptions about what sex is supposed to be/not be. And possibly he has, too. I don't think there's anything wrong with you -- you are fully able to orgasm yourself, and with a partner, and you know your body pretty well. What you need to communicate to him is that a problem is arising and you don't know what the solution is, but it's creating fear and anxiety about your future together and it MUST be addressed. He has to know that this relationship is in the balance of facing it. I have found that explicitly stating what needs to be said -- tactfully, but without glossing over anything -- is the ONLY way to finally be heard. Stop beating around the bush. The time for hints is over. And you can start by telling him you are afraid to talk about this. You are afraid of how he may feel. If he's a grown man, he'll have to deal with his own feelings. That's HIS job. Tell him you're glad the conversation was started, but you felt upset with how it went and it brought more concerns to you.

 

I agree with the poster saying it may be mismatched sexual compatibility, but you won't truly know what is possible until you tell him that a completely open discussion and explorations of wants, desires, hopes for the bedroom, turn-offs, fantasies both ways is explored. In the end, it's going to be a collection of experiences with him, after you've been completely candid with eachother, that shows you how much potential you have or don't have together. I don't think JUST a conversation is enough, there has to be action and see how the understandings get applied. Being teachable is key. And it's not clear how much of this is a teachable problem for him, or a attitudinal mismatch that will leave you frustrated for a lifetime if you get married, affecting your entire sex life. This is the person you will have to keep the passion alive with for the rest of your life (assuming vows are taken seriously), and if there's no passion NOW....how's it going to look 10, 20 years from now?

[SherrySher]

I can understand how you were given the message to find a good man and not consider the sexual side, however, you can have both.

 

I am wondering if your partner just isn't cooperative enough. You do need to tell him exactly what it is you are wanting, him going on about oral only being a 'special treat' is absolutely ridiculous and that screams lack of experience.

But in order for him to learn, you are the one who will have to tell him.

Though it all comes down to if he's willing to learn or if he's stuck on his ways and refuses to try new things or change his ways in order to pleasure you both, not just himself.

 

I hope you can find a way to be straight forward with him. I know it's not easy but it's crucial at this point.

[tiredofvampires]

As for porn, I don't know if this was mentioned, but it sounds to me like he's watched some porn and gotten his ideas from that. Sex, even oral sex, in porn can be rough and showy for the cameras, and not what real women enjoy. That's just not exciting to watch with moves that can be shot easily.

 

Also, this is just my experience, but a man who tells me how much he loves me all the time....eh. I've found it to often be a compensatory device for when they are insecure about something, kind of know they are falling short or might, and are trying to fill in the gaps of what they are lacking in action, with WORDS. So be careful of that. Perhaps he believes (unconsciously) that telling you you're beautiful and he loves you is going to complete the act for you. He may be completely sincere, but at the same time, he's also possibly trying to distract you from the lack of physical connection he intuits you're feeling. But his level of intuition is ambiguous based on your posts.

 

The fact that he WAS able to modify his behavior once, and on a planned date, not randomly, suggests he actually knows more about what you want than he's demonstrating and that's the most worrisome part of this.

[Belle8]

I wouldn’t say it’s some sort of BDSM thing, I would like to try different sexual things including the oral thing, I also want to try a bunch of other stuff. Most which don’t have a BDSM nature to them. It’s more I want to try a collection of things.

[Belle8]

fact that he WAS able to modify his behavior once, and on a planned date, not randomly, suggests he actually knows more about what you want than he's demonstrating and that's the most worrisome part of this.

 

I agree when that did happen on my birthday I was so relieved and I thought it was the beginning of something that was going to keep happening. But then never again. Let’s just say I’m due for another birthday so it was like 8 months ago. I don’t understand giving someone something once then turning it right off then never again.

 

What that very insightful poster said about the over compensating with the ‘I love yous’ It’s a very valid point because sex has always been very heavy on all the verbal stuff. Like a clear transaction he gets sex... I get told all these nice things.

[SherrySher]

As for porn, I don't know if this was mentioned, but it sounds to me like he's watched some porn and gotten his ideas from that. Sex, even oral sex, in porn can be rough and showy for the cameras, and not what real women enjoy. That's just not exciting to watch with moves that can be shot easily.

 

Totally agree. Porn is not where you want to be getting help for your love life. It's fake and can actually make things worse by giving the wrong ideas.

You need to create your own likes and dislikes sexually with each other, not trying to recreate a cheap porno.

[DarkFarmer]

I thought it was best to keep the no orgasm thing to myself. I don’t think that will help the situation just impact on his self esteem right?? We will have to see what happens when we are intimate but I feel a bit better

 

Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute, have you been faking orgasms then?!

How else would he not know about the "no orgasm thing"?

 

If so absolutely own up to that and stop it!!

You are doing yourself a huge disservice if you're faking to stroke his ego.

 

Sexually communication is imperative to having a productive sex life, and faking orgasm would tell him he's doing a good job; when by the sounds of it He is absolutely not doing an adequate job.

[reinventmyself]

Just a suggestion -

and this is good tip for anything you want to negotiate in life :

 

When talking about this, try to stay away from what you don't like, because he'll hear it as a criticism and that's the thing he'll remember the most. The rest will be a blur.

 

Stay on topic telling him what you do like, not what you don't.

Hopefully he'll feel successful at pleasing you and he'll want to do it more.

 

And I agree with others. . if you are not aroused, then no penetration. You are not supposed to sacrifice yourself to the point it hurts to please your man.

Both our bodies are designed to work this way and for him to skip that part is either selfish or inexperienced

[Belle8]

Nah I don’t fake orgasms anymore.... I did do it more than a handful of times at the beginning of us having sex. Not faking it but a few fake moans that were not genuine. I stopped that because it is very unproductive and I just don’t make any sounds now. Except once or twice where it was a genuine moan because it felt good.... we have talked more about the situation and he says he will put in more effort into foreplay and start giving semi regular oral sex. Some positives is he is trying to be more romantic and has made a reservations at a fancy restaurant and has booked a hotel room for the weekend. He has also shave off his stubble in an effort to give better head... all of that stuff is just the beginning but it’s a good start. We have also talked about anything he wants to have more of or explore. He says his happy with everything. He always likes new lingerie so always gotta update that every now and again... I am gonna look into buying a sexy diner waitress outfit, his idea lol

[Wiseman2]

Manipulation and control. He's got you in dog obedience school, where you only get "treats" if you "behave". You seriously need premarital counseling.

I don’t understand giving someone something once then turning it right off then never again.

[Belle8]

So an update. We’ve communicated more. Last night he made an effort to be more romantic. He arranged for us to go to a nice restaurant. After the restaurant he went down on me. He did it the way I described to him I wanted. I had an orgasm. A weak orgasm because I got too excited and came in a minute. Then we had sex. It was pretty amazing. I am happy with the progress that has been made. He had a big erection throughout going down on me so I think he enjoyed it. I can’t believe it talk a serious talk to ‘fix’ a problem that’s been going on for 2 and a half year. It’s bewildering.

[Megan121]

I agree.

Oral is a great sexual stimulant for us.

[Megan121]

Yes I agree.

Sometimes we get so focused om pleasing him we forget to please ourselves.

Sex is sharing.

[joyousone75]

You HAVE to tell him. Don’t be mean just be real and honest and tell him what works for you. Make it a point to guide him and show him how to make you orgasm. You know your body best, teach him!

[Belle8]

Hi, I finally had some free time to get back on this site. I just wanted to thank everyone for their valuable and insightful posts. As an update things are going well. I think we are both incredibly inexperienced when it comes to sex and most importantly communicating about it. On my part because I have only been with him and on his end he went 8 years without sex before we were in a relationship.

With the massive increase in communication. Things have improved. He has always been very romantic but has taken it to a whole other level outside of the bedroom.

 

He asks questions during sex. Where to touch, like that? So forth.

The actual logistics of having pleasurable sex is still difficult. He is very strong so when he rubs my clit even when he tries to be very gentle it still feels rough. We have talked about it and we keep trying to get it to that kind of extreme gentle feeling that I like.

The other logistics issue we have faced is he has a decent sized penis and I am petite and short. So it is painful to get it in. This is an easier problem to deal with and just takes lube and time to slowly get into position.

 

Actually clearly communicating has been really beneficial. We talked about everything and both put in a great deal of effort. We are not having amazing sex just yet but we both realise that we have a lifetime together to explore our sex life and make it work.

So thank you for everyone who took the time to post a reply. Everyone’s comments were greatly valued.

[Wiseman2]

Your and his size does not matter, remember that's where 9lb babies come from, lol. Oral before sex would solve all the problems you're complaining of. You're simply not aroused enough, probably because the manual stimulation is too irritating.

he rubs my clit even when he tries to be very gentle it still feels rough.So it is painful to get it in. This is an easier problem to deal with and just takes lube and time to slowly get into position.

[Belle8]

Yeah Wiseman2, you have a good and valid point. But beyond things improving in small but good ways. I can see his trying but he is still not keen on giving regular oral. He has given more than he used to but still not regularly.

He has been genuinely trying so I don’t want to discount that.

[Wiseman2]

Don't accept lazy or selfish or incompetent sex. Just stop if manual is to rough and don't proceed to intercourse if you're not sufficiently aroused and it's painful. Unfortunately you'll never enjoy sex with him if you remain this passive and accept selfishness. "More than he's used to"? What kind of lame excuse is that? Don't give him oral then. And stop having painful or uncomfortable sex just to hang onto someone who's lazy and selfish.

I can see his trying but he is still not keen on giving regular oral. He has given more than he used to but still not regularly.

[Belle8]

Wiseman2 you have a point. He has genuinely tried and done lots of things to make our sex life better. Outside of the bedroom he is very selfless. He always does a million special things for me. I wouldn’t say he is selfish in the bedroom. I would say more clueless. I think the problem is more I can only get aroused or orgasm through masturbation or receiving oral and he for whatever reason does not like to give oral. So there’s a mismatch there. I could stop giving him blowjobs to make it fairer but I can’t force him to go down on me.

[Fishbite]

Wiseman2 you have a point. He has genuinely tried and done lots of things to make our sex life better. Outside of the bedroom he is very selfless. He always does a million special things for me. I wouldn’t say he is selfish in the bedroom. I would say more clueless. I think the problem is more I can only get aroused or orgasm through masturbation or receiving oral and he for whatever reason does not like to give oral. So there’s a mismatch there. I could stop giving him blowjobs to make it fairer but I can’t force him to go down on me.

 

OMG this man needs to get with the program. It should be pleasurable for him to give you oral and see you enjoying it.

 

Stop giving him oral for Christ’s sake. This is just not good enough! Good advice above. Wiseman is right with what he is saying.

 

Don’t accept lazy lovers.

[Wiseman2]

Don't proceed to intercourse if it's uncomfortable. It's that simple. And stop getting him off if he won't do the same. You need to step up what's happening through actions. You're blaming him for his incompetence and not pleasuring you, but you contribute to that by acquiescence and passivity. Every sexual situation is different and you are not helping him learn about you if you just give bjs, lay there and allow penetration without arousal that requires artificial lubrication. Stop the bjs and get rid of the ky jelly. Learn to teach through actions.

I could stop giving him blowjobs to make it fairer but I can’t force him to go down on me.

[Edmund Exley]

Many women are unable to orgasm from penetration. Share with him and have him get you to orgasm via oral or hand.

[Xitch]

If he is such a great guy why does he continue to refuse to do things that will gjve you an orgasm? Does he know that you are not having orgasms at all? If he knows that you aren`t having orgasms and is fine with that, you need to let him know that it is absolutely not fine with you.