Unfulfilling relationships

[Magician]

Hi,

 

I'm getting myself into relationships that aren't fulfilling. I feel like this is kindoff my own fault though. For example: last month I had a 1rst date with a girl. At the end I didn't feel like it was going anywhere but we still ended up making out that night. After a couple of drinks I didn't really mind the kissing, but I sure might given her the wrong idea. We talked; she told me she wasn't looking for a relationship either since she broke up recently. But after a couple weeks of seeing eachother she already starts wanting more commitment. By seeing eachother often, with friends around, we sorta started having a non-established relationship which was never my intention. Sometimes I feel stupid cuz I had to see this coming but I didn't. I know I probably have to make my boundries known more clear and I'm trying, but its still hard for me. I don't feel good about this since I'm not happy in this (fake?) relationship but I also don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

Then there's this: I always deeply care for friends and their worries. People often see me as caring, sweet and whatever. This girl (understandably) mistook this interested, caring behaviour for signs of love. This is not the first time this happens so I'm interested in what you think I should do with this girl specifically, and in general to prevent this from happening ever again.

 

Hope to hear from y'all!

[Cope]

How does she ask for more commitment? And what do you tell her?

[RedDress]

Everybody does things differently - but I will throw in my 2 cents.

 

If you don’t want to hurt people and accidentally lead them on, the easiest way to do that is to decide what you want from them and make sure that your words match your actions. They may still catch feelings and get hurt - but at least you will be able to rest peacefully in knowing you were as clear as can be.

 

Want friendship? Friends don’t usually talk every day (unless you are besties) and don’t make out.

 

Want a booty call? Booty calls also shouldn’t talk every day (IMO) to allow them the time and emotional space to date others. Talk about the other people you are interested in and your dating life. There is very little room for misinterpretation if you are talking about other people.

 

Want a relationship? Talk to them regularly, do romantic one on one things, etc.

 

... but when you are basically acting like a couple without the label - well - actions often speak louder than words. Eventually they will start to wonder why they don’t have the label (despite your saying you don’t want a relationship)

[Magician]

@ Cope:

 

People in our mixed friendgroup started asking about us, they're always very curious when it comes to love/ hookups/ friend wb/ etc. She brought it up when we were alone and pointed out that since we see eachother so often and everybody thinks it, we might as well. She tells me she doen't really care about the label but doesn't like explaining the 'not being- being together' thing to people when they ask about it. I postponed the conversation at the time. We had a big fight the day before so I wasn't really feeling the relationship-talk. I know postponing it is no solution, nor is it an answer to her question. But since I did't know what to say anyway, I figured it buys me some time to think

[Magician]

@ RedDress

 

Thanks for your piece of mind! Actions speak louder than words, that basically captures the essence of my problem. It feels like I'm sending the wrong signals all the time, but being confronted about it (in a good way) encourages me to take action. Setting and preserving my boundries by paying attention to my behaviour will be my biggest challenge for sure

[reinventmyself]

Hi,

 

I'm getting myself into relationships that aren't fulfilling. I feel like this is kindoff my own fault though. For example: last month I had a 1rst date with a girl. At the end I didn't feel like it was going anywhere but we still ended up making out that night.

You can start by slowing things down some.

Don't drink and make out with someone until you have a better sense of what you want.

To quote you `you didn't feel it was going anywhere but still ended up making out with her all night'

 

There is no harm in a couple dates and deciding at some point whether or not you two are a good fit. That's what dating is for.

But if you carry on as is there is some potential, then it stands to reason she might assume so as well too.

[Wiseman2]

This is just dating and it sounds like you talked about casual dating or whatever already. Are you into her? Just scale back if you just want a dating thing as it stands now. Keep in mind some women equate physical with relationship, so be crystal clear on that point.

We talked; she told me she wasn't looking for a relationship either

[Johnny Utah]

Everybody does things differently - but I will throw in my 2 cents.

 

If you don’t want to hurt people and accidentally lead them on, the easiest way to do that is to decide what you want from them and make sure that your words match your actions. They may still catch feelings and get hurt - but at least you will be able to rest peacefully in knowing you were as clear as can be.

 

Want friendship? Friends don’t usually talk every day (unless you are besties) and don’t make out.

 

Want a booty call? Booty calls also shouldn’t talk every day (IMO) to allow them the time and emotional space to date others. Talk about the other people you are interested in and your dating life. There is very little room for misinterpretation if you are talking about other people.

 

Want a relationship? Talk to them regularly, do romantic one on one things, etc.

 

... but when you are basically acting like a couple without the label - well - actions often speak louder than words. Eventually they will start to wonder why they don’t have the label (despite your saying you don’t want a relationship)

 

Great advice here.

 

Words needs to match actions. Communicate. Be mindful and direct in actions.

[Magician]

Thanks guys! I know what I'm gonna do. How do I close the thread? (first-timer haha)