Fell in love with a girl, her dad is dying, she pushes me away

[Lothar]

Met a girl on Tinder and we bacame friends. We lived in different cities and we just maintained that friendship for almost 2 years.

 

Finally we met one time for a lunch, when she happened to be in my town. It was a good time.

Then we meet two weeks later, she stayed by my house and we slept together, talk and felt a deep connection with each other.

It was amazing, I just fell head over heels for her. I knew i wanted to be with her, and felt the same from her, by instinct.

I wasn't really interested in her before meeting her in person. Then... well, it just hit me like a train: "WOW MAN, WOW! She is so freaking amazing!"

I crushed on her for good.

 

Two days later, her dad was hospitalized. Pancreas cancer, liver metastasis. Months if not weeks to live.

 

I did my best to be there for her, message her daily (since we were LDR) and try to support her by staying at her side during this difficult time.

Things went fairly good for a few weeks, then she started to grow distant and to treat me just as an ordinary friend. Which i was comfortable with but also felt like a rejection.

Well, things went worse and worse from that point on.

 

I offered many times to go to her city to be beside her, she refused because her weekends were with family of course.

Then i proposed i could go there during week, because my schedule wasn't too busy at work atm. I asked this several times because i wanted her to feel i was truly there for her, distance or not.

She snapped badly, told me she cannot plan anything at the moment and that i had to realize her father was dying.

I apologized, told her that maybe i did a mistake but that was because i greatly cared for her and wanted to prove that i would be by her side even in difficult times.

Because this is what a relationship is all about. Being there when everything is dark and gloomy.

 

She went no contact for 2 days. I send her goodmornings and goodnights, talking lightly because i thought she would open to me whenever she was ready, knowing i was there for her.

 

She snapped again. "YOU NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED HOW I'M DOING. YOU ONLY TALKED ABOUT YOURSELF."

I said that she was really upset with me the other day and this was my way, clumsy all you want, to show care and that i was there for her to talk if she needed because she was important to me.

 

I called her, apologized for my mistakes, told her i did really care and that my intentions were good and sincere.

 

She said i could repeat this all i want but this didn't make up for my errors; she reviewed ALL my mistakes fo the last 2 months one by one (one time i got jealous that she went on dinner with a male friend... my fault, she was not my gf, but anyway i didn't make a big deal of it, i just said that i was jealous with a smile, more like a game between lovers), speaking with great anger towards me.

Finally she told me not to contact her, because things were not working between us.

She said that if she wants she will be contacting me.

 

I know, i f***ed up and i don't know even to start to blame myself.

I guess i was too eager to be in a relationship with her, i don't know really.

I just feel numb because i truly saw something in her, and i put everything i had with pure heart on the table, willing to stay by her side in her darkest time.

Or maybe sometimes life is just a b*tch.

 

I'm really really sorry for her and her family, and i wish i could do more. I think of her constantly and pray for her and her family everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through and i blame myself for my inability to be the man i wish i was in her time of need. If i had a time machine i would use it and give her the support she deserved.

 

Would appreciate any advice, and sorry for the long post.

I've been a lurker in here for quite sometimes and, since i've found this to be a great place full of awesome people, i just thought this was my time to ask for help.

Thank you all and may God bless you.

[DanZee]

Well, I think she said it all. It seems like you tried to make what she was going through all about you. You should have just given her space and instead you're trying to hook up with her, etc. That was the last thing she needed. And despite the 2 years of texting, she doesn't really even know you. Find someone local rather than doing a 2-year slow burn. You need to sharpen your dating skills.

[j.man]

I offered many times to go to her city to be beside her, she refused because her weekends were with family of course.

Then i proposed i could go there during week, because my schedule wasn't too busy at work atm. I asked this several times because i wanted her to feel i was truly there for her, distance or not.

She snapped badly, told me she cannot plan anything at the moment and that i had to realize her father was dying.

I apologized, told her that maybe i did a mistake but that was because i greatly cared for her and wanted to prove that i would be by her side even in difficult times.

Because this is what a relationship is all about. Being there when everything is dark and gloomy.

Between not allowing her the space she needed, making the situation about you in any capacity, and borderline attempting to guilt her by insinuating even passively that your physical presence was intrinsic to your "relationship," there's so much "just... no" here.

 

You really need to do some reflection on why you would repeatedly impose yourself onto someone who has told you repeatedly she can't accommodate her schedule for you, has outright snapped at you for your imposition, even continuing to do so when she had to resort to not talking to you. That's not "pure heart," that's 100%, unadulterated selfishness, inflicting further stress on someone you purport to care about for the sake of appeasing your insecurity.

 

You can reflect, you can learn from your mistakes here, and you can forgive yourself, but do this poor woman a favor and bow out completely and for good. It's the kindest thing you can do for her.

[1tym]

I pretty much guessed what happened after the title on what happened. You really didn't give her the spaces she needed. Seriously you think you are a priority number 1 in this scenario?. She don't need you man, not like that. All you needed was to be there for her. Not pester her, being there doesn't mean be physically there. Just knowing that you know to give her spaces. When she reaches out to you for some emotional comfort than she can't get from family which would be rare but knowing that you are there is enough. Anything else is just too much. Even the texting and the calling.

 

Pancreas cancer spreads like a mofo. I mean seriously you get it and its like a death sentence. It is not like any other cancer. Doctors can't do anything for the patient in most cases.

 

She literally has no time for you. Not even texting man. She has only a short time with her father then her mother going through the same thing she has to be there for. Then the rest of the family. Dude when she is tired of supporting her mom and the family, keeping her emotions in check for the most part she was bound to break. When that happens you were suppose to wait for that moment to give her your support so she has an outlet. instead you tried to lean on her for your own emotional unstableness by trying to force yourself to be looked at a certain light.

 

I am going in depth here so you comprehend and not make that mistake again in the future. Reverse the situation and say you are going through the same thing. Imagine the girl you dating keeps messaging you and calls you everyday while you can't even breathe because what's going on right now.

[abitbroken]

I would have just not pushed the relationship while her dad was not doing well. Occasionally just call her to inquire how she was doing, but other than that -- let her lead. If she doesn't call you for a week - she doesn't call for a week. You were more concerned about "being treated as a regular friend". I would say that you were lucky to be treated like anything at all.

[canadaman815]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your hardship. Honestly, every relationship is a learning process, and each partner has to learn by trial and error to some extent. It sounds like you've been able to learn a lot from this. It is extremely hard to "be there" for somebody who is about to lose a close family member, and I don't envy you having to be in that situation.

 

While you may feel you have screwed up, I would encourage you to not completely give up hope. Give her the space she has wanted and plenty of time, and she may be able to put things back in perspective. If not, you have learned a lot for the future and will be able to serve and respect the next girl better. Wishing you all the best.