New relationship, but sex stopped. How long to wait?

[hollis]

Hey guys,

 

New poster here. I've started a relationship a couple of months ago with a good friend of mine. We've been friends for years. Anyway at the start (first few weeks) the sex was fantastic. Then the sex stopped completely. I've tried but she gets nervous and sex actually hurts her. Now to me that's a red flag that there's no attraction. I actually said this to her and said that maybe it's not working. We were friends who tried and no hard feelings. I've said this once or twice now but she absolutely refuses to break up and says she loves me. I'm currently giving it a try. Now here's the thing. She's says she's going through a stressful time with work and that is the case. She's in danger of loosing her job and was treated very badly by her boss. The second thing is that I'm her longest relationship at four months. She has issues from her childhood that affect her trust so all of her sex was quite infrequent. Months apart and never in a relationship.

 

Anyway I do care for the girl, hence the reason I'm giving her a chance, but I wanted advice on what I should do. I'm not pressuring for sex and don't even try anymore, but I'm sure neither of us want this to continue for months. Anyone else have a similar experience or can offer some advice?

[MissCanuck]

What sort of issues does she have from childhood? Has she addressed those?

 

If sex hurts her, she should see a doctor. There could indeed be a physiological reason that needs attention, or it could be compounded by emotional/psychological issues surrounding sexual intimacy.

 

If she's never been a particularly sexual person and has generally stayed out of relationships, she's entering uncharted territory with you and it's likely going to take much longer for her to find a comfortable rhythm with you- both in and out of the bedroom.

[Pleasedonot5]

Definitely consider situational factors. Also consider ways for sex to be more fun or less painful for her. However, if it's stopped completely this early, what is going to happen down the road?

 

An additional consideration: it's easy to paint you as the bad guy for "breaking up for sex," especially if you're the guy. I suggest coming up with other valid reasons for breaking up too, should that be the path you take.

[hollis]

Hi guys. Her father was emotionally abusive to her. I didn't tell her I'm breaking up due to no sex. I stated that I don't think she's as interested in me as she thought. I will add that she does kiss and cuddle me all the time.

[joelvc]

In such a new relationship, it is important to take it at her speed. Stressigste a huge factor. Additionally with abuses, it is even more complicated. To me had nothing with love or attraction.

[hollis]

I think what helps is that we have been friends for so long. I do care for her as a person and her me.

[Pleasedonot5]

It's true you ought to consider her situation, but it's also (more) true that you need to ask yourself if this relationship is meeting your needs. You have no obligation to make someone else's problems your own - especially this early.

 

Maybe just be friends for now.

[hollis]

Thanks Pleasedon't.

 

I am happy to help her, but we've just started the relationship. There's only so much to take. She's also quite jealous and sometimes tries to make me jealous. In other words insecure. As I said I care for her but the natural lack of intamcy is making me automatically see her as a friend. Not that she accepts that.

[annie24]

I'm kind of wondering what is the sex situation. Has sex always been painful for her? Has she ever enjoyed sex? What was the last time she had a checkup? I'd be curious to learn more about her sexual history before pulling the plug on an otherwise good relationship. If sex hurts or she's inexperienced, there are lots of things you can do to help get her more at ease over time.

[purplepaisley]

This woman has issues she needs to deal with in order to have an adult relationship and all it entails...like sex. I'm sorry, but unless you're willing to live the rest of your life in a sexless, quasi-junior high relationship, you need to find a mature adult who has her stuff together. If sex is that painful for her, she needs to seek medical assistance. I'm sure it has more to do with the fact she just doesn't relax and enjoy, but there could be physical issues. She is psychologically not in a place to have a grownup relationship.

 

You don't want to kick her when she's down with her issues at work, but will there ever be a good time? Is she actively pursuing something better? What stressful situation will be her excuse when work is no longer a problem? Here's a clue on the future - work, family, money issues, and stress affect sex life...there will always be excuses. When this woman loses man after man, good men, due to her psychological and sexual issues, maybe she'll take a look at herself and work on fixing it. It's worse because she started out being sexual and now she won't go beyond second base...extremely frustrating. You can be her rock and all that, but I think it's time to put an end to anything more than friendship (and the ability to "be friends" probably won't work), and seek out a healthy and confident woman you can have a grownup relationship with.

 

She gets jealous because she knows she's not offering you a normal relationship where she's all in, and it's only a matter of time before you decide to pull the plug. You are both extremely aware of this factoid...it's the elephant in the room.

[katrina1980]

What's strange and also telling is that you said when you first started dating and having sex, it was fantastic!

 

So it doesn't sound like a sexual issue as much as an emotional issue.

 

Something happened in her mind, that suddenly turned her off to it.

 

Not buying the "it's painful" excuse as if that were true she would not have been able to enjoy and have fantastic sex when you first started dating.

 

Without knowing her, I'm only speculating, but some people are only able to feel sexual with people they feel no emotional attachment to.

 

So now that she's "fallen in love" with you and emotionally attached, she's unable to feel sexual with you.

 

The kissing, cuddling suggest a strong emotional attachment.

 

If this is what's happening, it's a deep emotional issue that takes a very evolved person to recognize and resolve, and/or a lot of introspection or even therapy to get to the root of.

[Andrina]

Never date someone with emotional baggage. That's their problem to deal with, preferably staying single while they do so, because you shouldn't pay the price for someone else's crime.

 

And obviously if she's not immediately calling the doctor to make an appt. with a doctor for painful sex, she's okay with that predicament and perhaps uses it as blockade.

 

Sorry to say that your friendship should fade far back to the back burner. When you date a new woman, will she really be okay with you being buddies with a woman you had sex with, and would have wanted it to work out but problems arose?

[hollis]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice. I thought I'd give an update. We have since had sex, I was calm and didn't pressure her. I think she enjoyed. I since tried to initiate once or twice since and she didn't feel like. The second time she asked me why she didn't feel like sex as if I'd know the answer. As I said I have been supportive and wouldn't pressure her for sex, but when I try and nothing happens it feels like a rejection. She doesn't seem to consider this a rejection but I do. It doesn't help that she doesn't seem to be doing anything to resolve this either. I tried to break up with her over a fight the other night but she insisted on giving it another try. Why give it another try? We haven't got a relationship, just a friendship in my view. Anyway like an idiot I said we could try but it doesn't feel right.

[purplepaisley]

So she decided to have sex with you to keep you. She knows what's going on. She knows very well her lack of intimacy is a huge, major problem, so after you broke up with her...well, she doesn't want to lose you, so she did what she could to appease you. It won't be long before she's shutting you down again.

[hollis]

Hey everyone new development. Also you're right. We she did turn me down again. I'm happy to support her but the latest development below is worrying.

 

The other night she shared a bed with a male mutual friend the other night out of necessity (male friend with girlfriend) and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction. Anyway it's gone beyond jealousy now and I'm just unhappy and feel disrespected rather than jealous. Should I just end it or confront her about what happened?

[katrina1980]

Hmm, let's see.

 

1. Continue being disrespected, humiliated and rejected? Or...

 

2. Walk away and find a girl who respects you and sexually attracted to you.

 

Your call.

 

Good luck!

[annie24]

Hey everyone new development. Also you're right. We she did turn me down again. I'm happy to support her but the latest development below is worrying.

 

The other night she shared a bed with a male mutual friend the other night out of necessity (male friend with girlfriend) and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction. Anyway it's gone beyond jealousy now and I'm just unhappy and feel disrespected rather than jealous. Should I just end it or confront her about what happened?

 

 

:o omg. I don’t know what I’d do if my bf texted that to me. Is it a joke? What is her deal? I wouldn’t blame you one bit for just breaking up and walking away right now.

[hollis]

English isn't her first language. She rang and apologised about it and said she didn't mean it like that but can understand how it looked. Either way I'm not happy in this relationship so I'm breaking it off. How should I do it guys and should I list reasons?

[annie24]

I think you should just tell her straight up that you’re breaking up because this relationship is making you unhappy. Don’t let her beg and plead her way back. You deserve someone who makes you feel desired and happy and wanted.

[Johnny Utah]

This sounds like immature and emotional behavior with somebody with sex drive or intimacy issues.

 

Walk away.

[thealchemist]

English isn't her first language. She rang and apologised about it and said she didn't mean it like that but can understand how it looked. Either way I'm not happy in this relationship so I'm breaking it off. How should I do it guys and should I list reasons?

I would just end it and be honest.

 

You don't feel that you two are sexually compatible and you are not happy with the relationship.

 

I wouldn't mention how immature she was with trying to provoke you or any of that.

 

She will just try to argue with you about that stuff.

 

Just give her "sexually incompatible" as you main reason.

 

First, because it is true, and also because it is just an inherent difference that cannot be worked out.

[katrina1980]

This sounds like immature and emotional behavior with somebody with sex drive or intimacy issues.

Walk away.

 

No doubt she has issues but I don't think her lack of sex drive is one of them.

 

With him it's certainly one of them, but since OP said earlier that when they first started dating, the sex was fabulous (I think he may have even used that word), then imo it sounds more like of lack of sexual desire for him.

 

For whatever reason, it just died.

 

I don't say that to be hurtful, I just think - to the OP, ending it is the best decision.

 

Agree with others, be honest and tell her it's not working for you anymore (which it's not) and you're moving on.

 

Wish her the best and be done with it!

[hollis]

No doubt she has issues but I don't think her lack of sex drive is one of them.

 

With him it's certainly one of them, but since OP said earlier that when they first started dating, the sex was fabulous (I think he may have even used that word), then imo it sounds more like of lack of sexual desire for him.

 

For whatever reason, it just died.

 

I don't say that to be hurtful, I just think - to the OP, ending it is the best decision.

 

Agree with others, be honest and tell her it's not working for you anymore (which it's not) and you're moving on.

 

Wish her the best and be done with it!

 

 

 

Hi thanks for the advice,

 

Not that it’s the only thing wrong in our relationship, but I disagree about the sexual attraction for me. She’s thirty years old and I’m her first proper relationship. This is the first time she’s had sex with this frequency. We were friends before this and I remember her telling me about how her stresses here affected her sex drive and ability to flirt. She went without sex a year before me. I have actually rejected her advances too which doesn’t help. She also definitely has attachment issues too.

[Johnny Utah]

No doubt she has issues but I don't think her lack of sex drive is one of them.

 

With him it's certainly one of them, but since OP said earlier that when they first started dating, the sex was fabulous (I think he may have even used that word), then imo it sounds more like of lack of sexual desire for him.

 

For whatever reason, it just died.

 

I don't say that to be hurtful, I just think - to the OP, ending it is the best decision.

 

Agree with others, be honest and tell her it's not working for you anymore (which it's not) and you're moving on.

 

Wish her the best and be done with it!

 

You are correct, but I think there are some intimacy issues involving sex here.

[katrina1980]

You are correct, but I think there are some intimacy issues involving sex here.

 

Oh agree! I think I posted about that in an earlier post (post no. 11).

 

Apologies if I misunderstood your post!