the unresolved feelings are making me go crazy

[AlexSays]

This is honestly mostly just me venting... I have no one else to take this to, because I do not talk about my ex with anyone.

I noticed that I can go about my life just fine every day but when I get my period I become this emotional mess about my ex.

 

My ex pretty much left me when HIS ex came back into the picture. He never really moved on from her and still loves her. We had a lot of conflict due to this in the relationship, and even though I am sure he loved me because he did A LOT and put up with a LOT of abuse on my part to be with me for a year, I never forgave him for cheating on me with her when we first started out (which is what sprouted the abuse). There was never any concrete evidence to make me break up with him so we dated for a year in which I admittedly caused all the trouble( though there were many lies on his part which a. I abused him emotionally and loved to see him suffer and still decide to stick with the witch I had become. He always chose me no matter what awful thing I did this or that time. Even when she first came back begging for him, he told her he loved her once but now he loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. After he found out I had basically been the one planting seeds for them to speak again (I wanted to see his reaction to her coming back and manipulated them both to speak to each other again) he felt so betrayed by me that he broke up with me. Then went back to her to start hooking up again, and also hooking up with me leading me on saying he wanted to get back together with me while also being with her. We finally went full NC in November and I started seeing someone else. I wanted nothing serious at this point and let the guy know this. With time we blossomed into a full relationship and I honestly feel like this is the guy I have been waiting for my whole life.

 

But now that my life has been inexplicably better without my ex in it, I want to rub in his face that I found someone better, am doing better than him in pretty much every aspect of life, and that I do not miss him (except when I get my period I do. maybe this is due to unresolved conflicts. It was an intense relationship in pretty much every aspect.) I still feel so crappy about being the girl he cheated on, the girl that brought him back to his feet when he most needed someone (before I knew he cheated, I was the dream girlfriend. He said I was literally everything he had asked for in someone. it was after I found out about the lies and cheating that I became a monster), I was there. It wasnt just abuse on my part. I helped this guy grow, helped him achieve life milestones that he never had anyone else do, words he said himself. It was either very good, or very bad with us. The good usually out-weighted the bad which is why we both stayed together for so long.

 

I am actually with someone else and he makes me very, VERY happy. My ex had a b*tch fit when he found out and would throw shots at us in his social. I ignored this and went about my life. Then a few weeks later he talked to me apologizing and saying he regrets cutting me out of his life and thats not what he wanted. I accepted what he had to say but remained NC and am not planning on breaking it, either.

 

So why is it, that sometimes these feelings resurface?

 

I feel like I am obsessed with seeing my ex suffer, because of how much he hurt me. His love life isnt going very well and I know this because I shamefully admit to still stalk his social media. This is something I used to do all the time but now I only do it usually at nights when I am at bed and can't find distraction. But the fact his new relationship with a new girl is also being tormented BY THE SAME EX (they are 'friends' now) that tormented mine makes me feel like crap... why her? has he really already forgotten about me?

 

I honestly just want to fully move on for once. I am so tired of feeling like this. Like I want him to keep seeing me happy with my new man (who I admit started as a rebound for me, but has blossomed into a healthy relationship in which I honestly cant see myself with anyone else but him). How do I stop this cruel dark obsession of checking up on him silently. I can't block him because it's honestly been so long... I do not want him to even considering that I still care. Specially because I do not mention my feelings or acknowledge the existence of our relationship

(or lack of). In his eyes, he thinks I have fully moved on from him and dont care for him because I never reacted outwardly and internalized it all. I never got the closure I needed. Part of me feels like the conversation me and him had back in Jan was his way of getting his closure. I never got mine...

[SooSad33]

You have been holding in some pent up anger about him for a while... since you are wanting ti rub in his face on

'how much better you are doing'... etc.

But, don't! It is done now... leave sleeping dogs lie, as they say.

 

Move on.. keep moving.

 

If you want to 'vent' put i on paper... get a journal. I often open Word on here and speak my mind there.

I often type out my thoughts & things I am wanting to say.. but don't say it.

 

And with Him throwing fits? Same to him.. leave it alone.. and move on with his own life.

Respect here you guys... really.

 

You have moved on now... silence! Never do or say things in haste you may end up regretting later.

 

Why these feelings resurface? Probably because you guys have not fully gone a long period of time without

causing hassle.. therefore, no one is getting any peace of mind in order to move forward with their lives.

 

If you HAVE truly moved on.. you need to stop stalking his stuff and worrying about all of that.. which should now be

in the past!

You have a new man.. shouldnt your energy be put upon HIM now??

 

I think YOU have to say this is enough! We are done! No more of anything!

 

And do it!

 

Get on with your own life. If this carries on for more months.. maybe you should try therapy.. as it may be something

like a deep darkness against him going on- which you should get it all out & work it out.

So you can let go and move on.

[rosephase]

Maybe see someone about your anger issues? You admit you were abusive. And that part of your attachment to him is still coming from an abusive place. You can’t be in a healthy relationship while abuse still seems like a valid option.

 

You were never the perfect girlfriend. Abuse makes that extremely clear. You need to do some deep work on yourself. It doesn’t sound like you have the tools and skills to be in a long term relationship. Maybe be alone for awhile and find a good therapist. The desire to hurt the people closest to you is an extremely destructive drive and it doesn’t go away just because your current partner isn’t upsetting you at the moment.

[AlexSays]

Maybe see someone about your anger issues? You admit you were abusive. And that part of your attachment to him is still coming from an abusive place. You can’t be in a healthy relationship while abuse still seems like a valid option.

 

You were never the perfect girlfriend. Abuse makes that extremely clear. You need to do some deep work on yourself. It doesn’t sound like you have the tools and skills to be in a long term relationship. Maybe be alone for awhile and find a good therapist. The desire to hurt the people closest to you is an extremely destructive drive and it doesn’t go away just because your current partner isn’t upsetting you at the moment.

 

I went to therapy after the BU already. I was never abusive at any point in my life up until I found out he cheated on me, I tried breaking up with him the same day I found out he cheated, and he threatened me saying he would kill himself if I left him, then intentionally hurt himself to further prove this. I stayed with him, but felt caged and forced, but I couldnt talk to him about how I felt, or he would blow up on me and start crying and making me feel guilty for wanting to leave, This happened multiple times during the year we dated. I then started internalizing my feelings until they became so much to handle, I would blow up and hence emotionally abuse him, saying things like I don't want him, I want to be alone, I wouldn't care if we broke up, breaking up+making up constantly, being hot + cold, manipulative, etc. He was an immature liar, also manipulative, that even ADMITTED he enjoyed making me angry because he found it 'sexy' and would often purposely do things to cause my temper to blow.

 

Before I found out about the cheating, I was the supportive gf that was always happy and willing to help her man out. Post BU and therapy, I am back to this girl, except with turmoils. Me and my new partner actually communicate, and neither of us internalize anything. We have never even gotten into a fight in 4 months together except in one quarrel in which we both communicated and resolved without either of us getting out of hand.

 

I do not understand, however, why I want to rub in his face what a mistake he made in letting me go(though it wasnt a mistake, but rather, the salvation we BOTH needed from each other.). I have been doing very well without him, and part of me wants him to see that. Specially because he thought I'd try and hurt myself post BU, for him. But no sir.

[rosephase]

So it was mutually abusive.

 

It takes a long time to recover from abuse. You are still in recovery. That’s why you are still so angry. (No judgment I’m 1.5 years out of an abusive relationship and I still find a struggle with anger and a desire to rub my ex’s face in good things in my life ).

 

Get off his social media. Block it all now, who cares what he thinks? It’s making your recovery harder and longer.

 

And no wonder it’s taking you awhile to recover. That relationship turned you into someone you didn’t know. You’ve got to stop feeding your anger and focus on getting him out of your head.

[AlexSays]

So it was mutually abusive.

 

It takes a long time to recover from abuse. You are still in recovery. That’s why you are still so angry. (No judgment I’m 1.5 years out of an abusive relationship and I still find a struggle with anger and a desire to rub my ex’s face in good things in my life ).

 

Get off his social media. Block it all now, who cares what he thinks? It’s making your recovery harder and longer.

 

And no wonder it’s taking you awhile to recover. That relationship turned you into someone you didn’t know. You’ve got to stop feeding your anger and focus on getting him out of your head.

 

You have no idea how many times I have tried to stop checking. The longest I have gone is 2-3 days (mostly when I go on vacations) but then this feeling of anxiety surfaces and I check. Admittedly I used to check it obsessively every hour or so for the whole year we dated because he shared all of our problems there and would complain about me and make me seem like a monster and not say anything about how he caused the issue in the first place. Now, I check every other night. He is the type to vent about his problems openly, and what you said about enjoying seeing the pain in people I care about resonates and makes me feel like I check precisely because he is often in turmoil, one way or another, and I enjoy that. He is unable to have a healthy relationship (he's the kind to jump into them to force himself to forget his exes). I find joy in his pain... I do not like that about me. I want him to become irrelevant to me for once and for all. He turned me into someone I never imagined I could be, and he himself apologized "for turning me into someone I wasn't and hurting me to the point I had to be like that". I know these feelings are unhealthy for me and I know it takes time to recover... but how much longer? I am actually happy with my new boyfriend so why do I still care? I can't block him on this particular platform, because I dont have an account, I just know his handle by memory. I always get this feeling of disappointment after checking.

[MissCanuck]

He is unable to have a healthy relationship (he's the kind to jump into them to force himself to forget his exes).

 

This stood out to me, because here you are dating someone else and fixating on an ex, too. You're doing precisely what you accuse him of, it appears.

 

Your ex is no angel, clearly. But now would be the ideal time to remain single and learn how to cope with your anger and pain on your own. Dating someone while stuck in this unhealthy emotional place is a recipe for disaster.

[AlexSays]

This stood out to me, because here you are dating someone else and fixating on an ex, too. You're doing precisely what you accuse him of, it appears.

 

Your ex is no angel, clearly. But now would be the ideal time to remain single and learn how to cope with your anger and pain on your own. Dating someone while stuck in this unhealthy emotional place is a recipe for disaster.

 

I get what you are saying.

 

But I honestly dont see myself with anyone else but him at this point. I got some pretty strong feelings. I definitely do not love him (yet) and havent said those words to him because I dont like to just drop them unless I mean them. But I feel myself getting there with him, specially with how we are now.

 

Don't get me wrong, the feelings for my ex have definitely disappeared romantic wise. I just feel like I have so much pent up anger towards him. He has tried being friendly with me (we have to talk sometimes because we work in the same company but different departments so we dont see each other but once in a while we have to communicate at the job bc the departments work together). I basically remain professional and always hang up first. I go straight to the point and he tries to make jokes and stuff with me, I basically just ignore them.

 

I really don't know what to do. Breaking up with my current partner is not something I want to do, because I see a future with this guy. And he does with me too, he's pretty vocal about it. I dont speak to him about my ex, because this isn't something that happens often. It's only when I get my period (like I'm not even joking here) that these feelings of anger return.

[katinaround]

Hey there, this sounds like a lot to keep pent up without talking to anyone! I am glad you are reaching out at least here to start - that is a positive step.

 

I'm wondering with all that went on between you and your ex, if your heart, mind, and soul are begging for forgiveness with all that went down - on your part and his. Forgiving both yourself for how you acted in the relationship, and forgiving him for how he hurt you. Forgiveness is NOT dismissing everything, but acknowledging it, and extending kindness to not hold it against the person. It releases it's chains on your heart. It seems like your heart needs freedom from this situation! And from wounds that have been covered up over time..

 

I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but I believe in a living God who has broken some chains in my life and given me a new heart. I believe that He is in control and I can put all my stress, relationships, and worries in His hands. This lightens the burden on my shoulders sooo much.

 

I will keep you in my prayers