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Should I be hurt with my girlfriend for never feeling the need for alone time?


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Hello, my name is Daniel.

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend, Sam, for nearly four months now.


Preface: The most important thing to note before I continue is that I am the introvert, and she is the extrovert. We’re in a semi-long-distance relationship; I go to a college about two hours away from her, but I live in the same state where she goes to school, which is roughly a half-way mark between us.


She is very happy-go-lucky, see’s the bigger picture, and always has to be with people to feel her joyfulness and contentment in life. She doesn’t like being alone; it stresses her out because she feels like she has to be doing something or being with someone at all times (unless of course she is waking up, going to sleep, or at work on her job; she works retail).


I, on the other hand, am more of a “every single moment counts” kind of person. I am admittedly more easily upset about things that don’t go my way than she is. I like alone time, but I especially love it with her (meaning, not with anyone else but her). I have times where I can be with large groups of people AND her, by the there are also times where I need down-time, alone with her (whenever we’re together, typically for a few days at a time).


Here’s my problem.

Should I be upset with the fact that she never feels the need to quote-unquote “spend alone time” with me (or that she is content with simply going to sleep with me and waking up the next morning, and that’s enough for her)? She is always with someone, unless she’s at work. And the only time I ever get to see her is on the weekends.


She feels like she can never make me happy, or happy enough to “stay happy,” but I see a problem with the fact that she doesn’t have urges to spend time with JUST me on a particular day; rather, it could be with me (and) anyone else too.



—We’ve always come back to this one problem over the four months we’ve been together. We’re both tired of it, but my heart stays hurt with her because she doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me on this.


I love her more than anything. She is my everything to me, and I treat her like a princess every single day. I always hold the door open for her, yadda-yadda-yadda. All the sweet, “nice-guy” stuff.


The point is, if we could get over this one hurdle of alone time problems, our relationship would be absolutely phenomenal.

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LDRs are very difficult. You can only visit her weekends and you are very incompatible when it comes to spending time together. You want her to only spend time with you when you are there, and she doesn't want to give up her life and friends every weekend and just hole up alone with you in the room. You're not going to change for her and she isn't going to change for you.


There is enormous drama and impasses after just 4 mos of dating long distance. Why don't you give each other some breathing room so she can spend some weekends with friends and socialize on campus and you can have quiet introvert time to relax without the frustration and stress.

I go to a college about two hours away from her. the only time I ever get to see her is on the weekends. —We’ve always come back to this one problem over the four months we’ve been together. We’re both tired of it.
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Sounds like you and her actually have polar opposite personalities. While opposites initially attract, in the end they fight. That's what you are getting. You and her are not compatible. No, you cannot expect her to change her fundamental personality and want alone time - it's not possible. Same way you aren't going to change and stop wanting personal time. Again, not possible. At just 4 months in - there is already too much conflict and no way should she be your everything. That's a whole other can of worms and unhealthy on your end. No one person can be your everything, you'll suffocate your relationships.


Normally, I'd suggest compromise but in your case, it just sounds like too extreme polar opposites. She needs to be with someone who is more like her - constantly surrounded with people, the house is an open door for company 24/7. You need to find someone closer to your own personality - more laid back and more into spending alone time.

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I would have a problem with someone who could never be alone and is always dependent on other people for their happiness. Likewise, this is also true for those who can never enjoy socializing and always want to be alone. However, she is option number one, while you seem to enjoy both your me-time and social-time, albeit more favored towards the introverted side.


I would accept she doesn't want to be alone with just you and learn to enjoy hanging out with friends the majority of the time. The alternative is to find someone who is more balanced or introverted, like yourself.


You shouldn't necessarily feel hurt; this is just who she is. To be honest, she sounds too clingy for any person who likes any of their alone time (aka if you lived with her). I mean, it stresses her out? Um yikes.

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That sounds really odd. Most extroverts I know still enjoy one on one time. And I understand having a long distance relationship and not giving up your whole social life... but don't you want to get to know each other away from other people. Part of intimacy is showing parts of yourself to another person that aren't apparent... which is hard to do when you are around other people.


To me that sounds like she doesn't enjoy your company enough one on one.

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If you like your alone time ALONE with yourself - intro/extro relationships can really work because the extroverted person bounces off to their book group, volunteer opportunity or whatever and therefore the introvert has alone time for a few hours -- but never wanting One on One time is really unusual. btw, when you are alone one on one -- do you always expect sex the minute you are alone - or are you not having it and she fears you will push for it if you do?


I think if she is already telling you "i can't keep you happy" she has one foot out the door and wants you to be the bad guy, not her.


If you are traveling to her town -- i can understand being with other people part of the day -- ie, meeting up with her family and her for dinner, or having an event to go to earlier in the day, but a quiet evening with you - because weekends are when everyone else is free, too. But you are saying that you don't even have part of the time with her?

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This is a large part of the reason why my husband and I divorced. We were completely incompatible regarding social interaction. He was not going to "change" and although I tried to accommodate him we were just too different.


She will most likely not "change " either. Can you accommodate her? Or do you feel like this is a deal breaker?

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