Engaged but having doubts

[itsallgrand]

Very different wavelengths indeed.

She wants to stay home and raise children, raise the children catholic, stay in the same town her family is in.

He wants two earners both raising the children, to not raise the children in one particular religion, to have the option of moving as a family.

 

That's huge in itself as far as conpatibilities. Then you add in, which was most concerning to me, that he does not consider her someone who is independent and can stand alone, who depends on men, who sees herself as a victim and uses crying and manipulation rather than communication that's solid, and that's a lot.

Whether she is or isn't, he sees her that way.

[IMCTDAM]

Yeah... her saying she was going to keep the ring if they break up... well it's scary and strange. I wouldn't want a partner who thought that way. Like she is already planning to screw the OP over if they break up. That is a scary person to legally bind yourself too.

This is what caught me off guard. We have discussed topics since and our arguments tend to be more 'blame-focused'/attacking than before after I communicated my shock.

 

When in doubt, DON'T. Yes, it is as simple as that.

We have put a hold on wedding planning until we sort our differences out.

 

I dunno. If you're talking about 'breakup and keeping the ring' I don't think that's a good sign. You need to talk to her about these issues and do some pre-marital counseling. These are serious issues.

 

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Agreed. This was a comment from her that really set my alarm bells off. I have never brought up who keeps the ring.

 

 

Dude, this is GOD talking to you. Take my advice. Do not do it. If you do it, it is a mistake - guaranteed.

 

Thank You. It's a hard decision as I have strong feelings for her despite these differences.

 

 

What are your ages?

 

I'm 33 and she's 31

 

 

It sounds like the reason you are picking everything apart is that you really don't want to marry now in general or marry her in particular and you would rather pursue your dreams and your career and be free to do so. You are on two completely different wavelengths. Neither of you is wrong, you are just not interested in the lifestyle she wants . When you admit this to yourself the fog and doubts and concerns will all be lifted.

The reason i'm 'listing' my doubts like this is to simply seek perspective. I admitted in my original post it was one-sided (negative) and did not paint a full picture at all. My fiancee is an incredible human being, i'm just not sure we are on the same wavelength as you pointed out.

 

 

Very different wavelengths indeed.

She wants to stay home and raise children, raise the children catholic, stay in the same town her family is in.

He wants two earners both raising the children, to not raise the children in one particular religion, to have the option of moving as a family.

 

That's huge in itself as far as conpatibilities. Then you add in, which was most concerning to me, that he does not consider her someone who is independent and can stand alone, who depends on men, who sees herself as a victim and uses crying and manipulation rather than communication that's solid, and that's a lot.

Whether she is or isn't, he sees her that way.

 

Valid points. Thank You

[maew]

OP, I think you need to be honest with yourself... your original post shows there are some pretty clear differences in your values. And that’s totally ok. But know that if your values don’t jive, getting married and having kids won’t fix it. Pre-marital counselling might help you find a compromise... but will it be worth it in the end? You didn’t say anything positive about your fiancé so it’s hard to know from this side.

 

All I know is that I will never stay in a relationship again where I have to make big compromises to my values. I did this for years and ended up being deeply unhappy as a result.

[IMCTDAM]

OP, I think you need to be honest with yourself... your original post shows there are some pretty clear differences in your values. And that’s totally ok. But know that if your values don’t jive, getting married and having kids won’t fix it. Pre-marital counselling might help you find a compromise... but will it be worth it in the end? You didn’t say anything positive about your fiancé so it’s hard to know from this side.

 

All I know is that I will never stay in a relationship again where I have to make big compromises to my values. I did this for years and ended up being deeply unhappy as a result.

 

This is actually the most difficult part. We have been talking a lot about compromises and I am happy with this but I wonder if we are doing this because we are so invested in each other and find comfort and love in each other. As much of a romantic as I am, I wonder if love and chemistry alone can sustain a long term marriage and kids.

 

Marriage planning is on hold right now but I don't know how to dive deeper into our differences in values to truly determine if this road must be severed. Counselling is our agreed next step but it depresses me to even consider severing the relationship as I have never felt so strongly for someone in my life. It is only the 'forward-looking' prudence that gives me pause.

 

Thank you all again for your genuine efforts!

[catfeeder]

She wants to stay home and raise children, [...], stay in the same town her family is in.

 

These two alone can be incompatible. I wouldn't want to take on another adult as a dependant in the first place, but it doesn't make sense to put geographic restrictions on a sole household earner. Limiting mobility can limit upward career mobility, which would be a crucial mistake in a single earner household.

 

Add crying and manipulation to this mix? I'd be questioning how things got this far, much less entering a commitment to make them permanent.

[IMCTDAM]

These two alone can be incompatible. I wouldn't want to take on another adult as a dependant in the first place, but it doesn't make sense to put geographic restrictions on a sole household earner. Limiting mobility can limit upward career mobility, which would be a crucial mistake in a single earner household.

 

Add crying and manipulation to this mix? I'd be questioning how things got this far, much less entering a commitment to make them permanent.

 

Very true. I have not been in many long term relationships (this is both our longest) and I have always felt so grateful to have someone check boxes like being honest, reliable, faithful, kind-hearted and great match intimacy/chemistry/attraction-wise.

 

I've casually dated many women and found very few to have ALL these qualities. Maybe I've had bad luck before her and it's giving me a negative lens on what's 'out there' but I feel hesitant (and know she does too) to let go what we have. Getting married and making this a legal liability situation does seem like a potential mis-step however.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Counselling will help you discuss the difficult issues of money, career, who does what, when to have kids, who will do what, where to live, managing household responsibilities, etc. As far as raising kids with religion/religious education, pick your battles. Both of you will learn more about compromises by attending premarital counselling.

Counselling is our agreed next step but it depresses me to even consider severing the relationship as I have never felt so strongly for someone in my life.

[Snny]

As much of a romantic as I am, I wonder if love and chemistry alone can sustain a long term marriage and kids.

Love is never enough to sustain a marriage. You need someone whose values matches with yours. Your partner will never be the same person as you, but as others have said, you need to know what are the dealbreakers or are the differences you both can tolerate.

 

Counselling is our agreed next step but it depresses me to even consider severing the relationship as I have never felt so strongly for someone in my life.

Counseling to work out incompatibilities before marriage is a red flag. I’ve known people who have gone through counseling (not Pre-Cana) before their wedding because they couldn’t work out the incompatibilities, and they are all divorced. They all loved each other, but love wasn’t enough to overcome the incompatibilities. I even had a bad experience with a marital counselor, had a major disagreement with my husband during the first year of our marriage, and she told me I should get a divorce.

 

So here’s better advice: in a marriage, you have to work out the differences together. Nobody is going to fix it for you. Marriage is a team effort. The reality is that in certain cases, you or your spouse will end up putting in more than 50% of the effort. It is not always equal. This is the time to decide what IS important to you in a marriage and raising a family BEFORE going through with the wedding. The only things marital counseling provides are the tools and resources to make a decision about conflict- and many are going to suggest breaking up. Don’t expect a counselor to fix your issues in your relationships- it doesn’t work that way.

 

So you’ve made your list of the concerns you have. You have MULTIPLE concerns to postpone a wedding. If you are having that many reservations about getting married, then my only advice is to bow out of this relationship now. Nobody is forcing you to marry your girl, but you should not commit yourself to her if there are so many problems.