Found out he is married and has kids after 4 years.

[canj]

Sorry, what I meant is he is not kind of person who looks obviously bad person on the outside. He doesn't look he is a player or some sorts. That is what I meant, by judging by its cover.

 

He mentioned before when he went on a trip abroad and went into one massage shop (spa?) and the girl has started to do dirty job, which he got up and leave immediately because he did not expect that and felt so inappropriate and disgusted. I think he said he cried about it. Because it was so bad experience or something like that.

 

True or not, so many stories he has talked with me sounded like he is sensible person. He has a highly demanded job and have healthy hobbies etc.

 

In highsight I think he has been trying to end us for his own reasons (wife or kids). Acting like he has been dealing with long distance problem disgusts me.

He knows what kind of great feeling to have his own kids, and I'm 36 this year, he knows how much I wanted kids.

 

He must be happy right now that he doesn't have to get rid of me by himself.

[canj]

Very, very kind people, do not lie to someone they say they care about, nor do they hide truths. Can you imagine if you were his wife and how devastated you'd be if you found out he was cheating on you and fooling around with another woman for 4 years? A nice person wouldn't do these kinds of things.

He is a great actor but his actions show who he really is.

 

Right now I don't have a generous heart to feel sorry for anyone, but it would be devastating for his wife to find out.

After I found out I did not speak to him. I need to sort 4 year memories out and block and delete. It is hard.

 

Thank you for listening my "fake" relationship I had.. or just listening to me. If i cannot find here and hear objective advice, I would be so devastated.

[MissCanuck]

Sorry, what I meant is he is not kind of person who looks obviously bad person on the outside. He doesn't look he is a player or some sorts. That is what I meant, by judging by its cover.

 

That's precisely what I'm asking though - what does a bad person look like to you?

 

I think part of the issue is that you were expecting a guy like this to come plastered with warning signs (so to speak) and tried too hard to overlook the other obvious signs that he wasn't being honest with you.

 

And you are right that he has probably been trying to distance himself from you so he could make his exit without revealing the truth. Men like this will go to great lengths to come out smelling like roses and blame other people for their bad behaviour.

 

And he cried after getting a happy ending? Yeah, sure. He likely went specifically for that purpose; that is a very particular type of massage parlour and he'd know it walking in there. You also have no idea if everything else he told you (healthy hobbies, respected at work) is even true, girl. You only know what he told you, and it's very clear he told you a lot of malarkey.

 

I feel for you, but again, this is why getting involved with a man online who you never see is not a good idea. People can and do make up all kinds of things to pretend to a life they want. How did you meet him, exactly?

[canj]

Thank you, MissCanuck,

 

We met through a traveling site, he sent me a private message just saying hi and when I replied, he started asking me about the tips of travelling in my country.

That's the beginning of our communication. We enjoyed conversations about the trip and then he asked my ID for my message app then we kept talking non-stop.

He sent me a photo of him like an introduction and somehow the conversation became romantic. He suggested for us to do the skype date too..

He said he never texted with a girl so much before..

 

So it is not like a dating site, I think I saw the pic of him and the woman on travel which I have been thinking it is his "ex wife".

 

We met in person when he comes to my country for his business trip only.

 

Yes, I did overlook the obvious signs, he gave me different surname after he accidentally? sent me a pic with his full name.

But I also understood it would be sensible not to give a whole name to a person you talk to for a few months at that time..

 

Last few months, he keeps saying we should talk more and think of what we want while I have been so clear on what I want.

He asked me how long I can wait, which gave me an impression like we had hope for our future.

 

Just last month, when he started to talk about our relationship, he asked "do you ever want to leave me?" which I replied no.

He also said it will be only once a year we might be able to see each other (I guess in my country) for his annual business trip as he would be promoted soon and would be busier.

 

He knows my frustrations and he knows how to make me upset with him so I guess he has been waiting for me to leave, even though he insist we should meet in a month.

I don't think he thinks now that we will meet though. He said stressed because he wants to see me and so many things happen to him at work etc.

 

Yes I can understand people can make up all kinds of things as you say, I may have noticed obvious lies in other people.

Now I feel like even in real life, I would be easily deceived.

 

I have never been dissapointed in life like this and I don't want him to disrespect me anymore, but silly enough I also wonder

would it be "rude" to just vanish just because I don't want that treatment happen to me?

[MissCanuck]

No, it wouldn't be rude. It would be smart to vanish. This guy doesn't have any respect for you. He thinks you're naive enough to not figure him out. Don't worry about being rude to someone who took you for a fool, OP.

 

I don't think you will be easily deceived when you're not desperate for love. I don't say that to be unkind; what I mean is that your desire to be loved by this guy overshadowed the warning signs you were definitely noticing. Sometimes we don't want to see things, so we bury our heads in the sand because the truth hurts and we're not ready to hear it. That doesn't mean you can be easily tricked, but it does mean you need to have enough self-worth to believe that there is someone better out there for you, for whom you won't toss your own healthy standards aside.

 

Did you already have your suspicions he was married? My sense is that something led you to do a little more digging.

[gonewrong]

Wow, that is insane. Something is wrong with him. He's hurting so many people and it doesn't seem to bother him. Sorry this has happened to you.

[canj]

No, it wouldn't be rude. It would be smart to vanish. This guy doesn't have any respect for you. He thinks you're naive enough to not figure him out. Don't worry about being rude to someone who took you for a fool, OP.

 

I don't think you will be easily deceived when you're not desperate for love. I don't say that to be unkind; what I mean is that your desire to be loved by this guy overshadowed the warning signs you were definitely noticing. Sometimes we don't want to see things, so we bury our heads in the sand because the truth hurts and we're not ready to hear it. That doesn't mean you can be easily tricked, but it does mean you need to have enough self-worth to believe that there is someone better out there for you, for whom you won't toss your own healthy standards aside.

 

Did you already have your suspicions he was married? My sense is that something led you to do a little more digging.

 

True. I may have been desperate for his love. Part of me still believe things he told me.

 

Honestly, I did not think he has been married. I did believed him was divorced with no kids.

Out of curiosity before I googled his name and him and wife pic came up, the pic is of 10 years ago or so.

They were cuddling baby, which I have been thinking his brother's baby. I didn't tell him about this because it would be sensible topic for him to talk about his divorce..

 

So on the day I found out he has been married, I was with my sister and talking about him, I tried to show my sis somehow he used to marry this woman etc.

Then I googled and found their last year's pic with now 2 beautiful sons.

 

I have asked him if he has a gf in his country before, he obviously said no and asked me why I think that.

Seriously it is unbelievable to know he has been married. We even had "skype sex" when he was at parent's house during Christmas time.

He has showed his so much temper to me when he lost at sports he plays and talked non stop about it. He sent me pic of his cooking, he sent me pic of snack of my country he found in his country.

We have watched a movie together on netflix online. Where ever he goes on business trip he showed me his hotel room through pic and video too..

 

My stomach has been aching for the last few days due to stress but yes I wish to find someone better for me.

[canj]

Wow, that is insane. Something is wrong with him. He's hurting so many people and it doesn't seem to bother him. Sorry this has happened to you.

 

Maybe..

If I were him, I would feel guilty and would not keep secret for a few months..

[MissCanuck]

Maybe..

If I were him, I would feel guilty and would not keep secret for a few months..

 

And that is the difference between you and a cheater. Many cheaters compartmentalize and have no problem with guilt, because they find all kinds of ways to rationalize their behaviour to themselves. I know a couple of people who have carried on double lives like this, and it's astonishing how easy it seems for them to slip in and out of their various lovers' lives.

 

For someone to lie about being married with children, they need to be lacking empathy and a moral compass. You are dealing with a disturbed individual, OP. Remember that whenever you feel tempted to talk to him from now on. Who you think you are talking to is an illusion.

[canj]

Thank you Miss Canuck, I really appreciate your comments all the while.

 

I know a few of my bosses have been having affairs too and they happily talking about it to me. But as far as I know they made it clear that they have a family to the women.

I'm not saying it is good, and this is going to be different story, but it's better than my situations.

 

You are right, lacking moral compass part.

Lying about being married, he only wanted some fun outside marriage, lying about his kids he maybe only protecting kids from potential disaster his "fun" might cause.

 

Fortunately I have not spoken to him, he has stopped contact with me too.

It's the 4 year habit I miss, I need to detach that feeling by being strict no contact.

 

Writing down what has been, what was wrong so helps me to calm down through my nightmare.

No one says he might be otherwise is a little convincing fact that he is no good.

 

Thank you for listening.

[canj]

He contacted me saying “how are you” again. Remembering all of your advice and looking his family pic again, I haven’t replied and not going to.

 

There is this feeling I have that I cannot have closure unless I tell him I found out..

but I don’t want him to “win” at the last conversation, which I feel he would if i respond.

 

Am I doing the right thing not to respond?

[MissCanuck]

I think it's not about him "winning" (this isn't a competition, after all) but more that he might be able to manipulate you with further lies if you tell him you know the truth. He somehow managed to keep you on the hook for 4 years, so my primary concern would be that you will fall back into this cycle.

 

For that reason, I would not respond.

[canj]

Yes.. I would surely fall back on cycle. I’m weak to him.

I will not respond, thank you Miss Canuck.

[canj]

So... 5 months after, he suddenly texted me.

 

I felt nothing, so I told him that I found out about his lies 5 months ago and I’ve forgiven him and. Not hard feeling etc.

He didn’t say sorry but he said he wish me the best and will not disturb me. I didn’t reply.

 

But then, he keeps texting me every single day non stop, whilst I do not reply at all.

What is this going on?

 

I’m over him and just curious to know this behavior..

[Seraphim]

So... 5 months after, he suddenly texted me.

 

I felt nothing, so I told him that I found out about his lies 5 months ago and I’ve forgiven him and. Not hard feeling etc.

He didn’t say sorry but he said he wish me the best and will not disturb me. I didn’t reply.

 

But then, he keeps texting me every single day non stop, whilst I do not reply at all.

What is this going on?

 

I’m over him and just curious to know this behavior..

 

Just change your number. It is simple. He wants to rope you back in.

[canj]

I cannot change number but not tempted to go back to him at all..

[boltnrun]

Why "can't " you change your number?

 

I did and it took me only about 15 minutes to text my new number to the people I wanted to have it. Simple.

Or, is it gratifying to your ego that he's pursuing you? Do you like having that power?

[Wiseman2]

It's time to block him on all messaging platforms and social media.

So... 5 months after, he suddenly texted me. But then, he keeps texting me every single day non stop, whilst I do not reply at all.

[canj]

I just blocked him finally. I feel good now. Thank you for replies!