Feeling frustrated and upset by boyfriend's lack of effort during sex

[Frances456]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. He's the first long-term partner I've ever had, and I care about him very much. However, I'm finding myself becoming increasingly frustrated about the lack of attention I get in the bedroom. When we first started having sex, he used to put in a little more effort and do a little foreplay before we got down to it, but for the past year or so, there has been basically no foreplay for me, or any time for me to get warmed up as it were, before he wants to go straight into intercourse (which has actually started hurting, no amount of lube can fix it if I'm not ready, you feel). In addition, he constantly watches porn when we have sex, and regularly watches porn by himself. I'm totally fine with that in moderation, but it drives me crazy he is constantly watching it every time we have sex. I have hinted and made efforts multiple times to communicate that he is not doing enough for me before or after sex, and I even went so far as to tell him I would like if he took time to help finish me if I don't orgasm during sex (which never happens anymore tbh), and he doesn't really seem to get the idea. He'll make a little effort the next time during sex, which is better than nothing, but it's pretty much all forgotten about after a few days. It's driving me crazy. I just want to have a truly intimate time with the man I love without being left feeling unfilled and slightly hurt by his choice to watch porn the entire time instead of enjoying the experience with me.

 

Furthermore, we had previously agreed when we first got together on a type of "open-relationship" style deal, where if he wanted to hookup with another woman once in a while, he could. At the time, it honestly didn't bother me too much, we were casual, whatever. But as time has gone on, and I've started to care about him more, the idea of it really bothers and upsets me. I've realized that he does spend a lot of his free time on dating apps looking at other women, or messaging other women in attempts to get them to hang out with him. And he can't even be honest with them and say he's just looking for something casual. He lets these women believe he's single and wanting to fully date them, something that really hurts my feelings. (I only know this because he pretty much indirectly told me, I've never gone through any of his stuff). I feel like he enjoys the idea of multiple "girlfriends". I also am not allowed (never been stated, but it's implied) to have any sort of relationship with other men. It's like he expects me to be fully committed while he gets to live his life however he wants. It annoys me because I feel like I am struggling so much in the sex related aspects of our relationship, and since he is fully satisfied, he expects me to be to too.

 

Outside of these issues, we get along very well. We do make each other very happy, and he shows lots of affection to me and indicates intent to be with me a very long term, which I reciprocate. I just don't know how to address these issues without causing a huge argument or hurting his feelings. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

 

P.S. There is also quite an age gap between us, and a culture difference if that changes anything. I am 21, and he is 34. He is Chinese and moved to America in his mid 20s.

[DanZee]

Uh, I think it's time to wake up. Your boyfriend is totally disrespecting you with trying to date other women in front of you, and his attitude during sex is deplorable. I can't believe you're trying to convince us that everything else with the relationship is great. You can try to blame it on cultural differences since he's Chinese, but you are a young and naive girl and apparently you're so desperate for love that you have convinced yourself this is love. It isn't. It's emotional dependency. You are being used and emotionally abused. It is very sad you don't realize this. Get out of this relationship right now and save your self respect and self esteem.

[Chuckayres]

You need to move on. If you want proof: just listen to your self.

[Ziggy123]

Did you tell him you don't want an open relationship anymore? You should. See what he says.

[reinventmyself]

I'll assume you came here wanting advise about him but my focus is on you and why tolerate having a man that uses you as nothing more than a depository all the while he's online shopping for your replacement.

 

He objectifies you and you've taught him it's ok.

 

Please step back from this and reevaluate your part in it.

Believe you deserve more

[1a1a]

If nothing at all changed, how much longer would you want to live like this? A week? 6 months? A year? 5 years? A life time?!!

 

I second if you want a monogamous relationship, ask for it, see what he says. If you want to have sex without porn, ask for that, see what he says. If you want to not be penetrated when you are so not in the mood it hurts to do so, say as much, what is his response? Does he hear you? Does he make any effort at all whatsoever to meet your needs?

 

Ask for all these things, whatever he responds and however he behaves going forward will be very very valuable information. Personally, I hope that if he doesn’t change his behaviour you ditch this guy. Sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship, without it you’re just friends. (And prioritising your partner is also an integral part, and he isn’t doing that, he’s using his free time to seek new people and lying to them off the bat)

[jerbare1959]

Okay here is truthfully my take

He has his cake and is eating someone else when I aren’t there.

Asian culture for men is they are selfish lovers and don’t even kiss. I am more than twice your age and I do know aomeon has his attention. An open relationship leads to disaster. Drop that part. Also guard your heart and don’t be surprised if he leaves. Men need to chase - and don’t like being chased. Stop making it so easy fo him. Good luck. Stand up for yourself honey