struggles with reciprocation

[OneRainyDay]

Hello,

 

I've been recently dating somebody whom is very sweet but she has some major self esteem issues and I'm beginning to question whether or not I'm qualified to handle such. She surprises me with gifts and is incredibly supportive of me. We also work together. The real problem lies with me trying to support her.

 

She gets really stressed out about work and has a hard time accepting my input. I try to be supportive, but every time I offer a bit of constructive criticism she takes it as a major blow to her confidence and gets upset with me. She is very demanding for reciprocation to her love, which I feel like I offer, but it always results in a fight. I can't have honest talks with her about things she is going through because she only wants to hear the things she wants to hear and is convince I don't support her. And when I accidentally say something that upsets her She brings it up in every subsequent argument and never lets me live it down. I feel like I'm only causing her more pain being with her and can't handle being the bad guy to somebody who can't admit that it can be her fault sometime.

 

It's driving me to the point that I am continuing to distance myself from her in fear of being the villain, but she gets upset when I don't text her throughout the day. I love her but am tired of being responsible for all of her problems and can't wind a way to have an honest talk about her situation without offending her.

[Wiseman2]

Ok 'communication 101'. Supportive to her is you listening. That's it, that's all you have to do. That's right, it means she wants to 'be heard' and often that in itself is supportive in her eyes. It means to her, that you a care. Do not try to fix it, make suggests or the absolute worst, criticize or imply she should handle things differently.

I try to be supportive, but every time I offer a bit of constructive criticism she takes it as a major blow to her confidence and gets upset with me.

[thealchemist]

She wants your support. Not your constructive criticism. Those are in NO way the same thing.

 

Instead of giving her advice on how to fix what you are implying she is doing wrong, you listen to her problem and let her vent to you without telling her what she needs to do...

 

This is a pretty simple issue. It is also really common.

 

I had to learn this when supporting my wife.

 

Because if tell her what she should do it isn't support, it is counseling.

 

You don't need to be her counselor, just her supportive boyfriend.

[OneRainyDay]

Ok 'communication 101'. Supportive to her is you listening. That's it, that's all you have to do. That's right, it means she wants to 'be heard' and often that in itself is supportive in her eyes. It means to her, that you a care. Do not try to fix it, make suggests or the absolute worst, criticize or imply she should handle things differently.

 

Thanks for the response. I thought I was listening, but she doesn't believe I'm listening becasue I don't respond properly. I don't want to keep offering advice she doesn't want, but me acknowledging her issues isn't enough for her. I don't know how to listen because I either say the wrong thing or don't say enough to her in return. I wish she would believe me when I tell her I listen and I do care.

[OneRainyDay]

She wants your support. Not your constructive criticism. Those are in NO way the same thing.

 

Instead of giving her advice on how to fix what you are implying she is doing wrong, you listen to her problem and let her vent to you without telling her what she needs to do...

 

This is a pretty simple issue. It is also really common.

 

I had to learn this when supporting my wife.

 

Because if tell her what she should do it isn't support, it is counseling.

 

You don't need to be her counselor, just her supportive boyfriend.

 

Thank you. If I don't say anything, however, I'm not listening according to her.

[reinventmyself]

Hello,

 

I've been recently dating somebody whom is very sweet but she has some major self esteem issues and I'm beginning to question whether or not I'm qualified to handle such. She surprises me with gifts and is incredibly supportive of me. We also work together. The real problem lies with me trying to support her.

 

She gets really stressed out about work and has a hard time accepting my input. I try to be supportive, but every time I offer a bit of constructive criticism she takes it as a major blow to her confidence and gets upset with me. She is very demanding for reciprocation to her love, which I feel like I offer, but it always results in a fight. I can't have honest talks with her about things she is going through because she only wants to hear the things she wants to hear and is convince I don't support her. And when I accidentally say something that upsets her She brings it up in every subsequent argument and never lets me live it down. I feel like I'm only causing her more pain being with her and can't handle being the bad guy to somebody who can't admit that it can be her fault sometime.

 

It's driving me to the point that I am continuing to distance myself from her in fear of being the villain, but she gets upset when I don't text her throughout the day. I love her but am tired of being responsible for all of her problems and can't wind a way to have an honest talk about her situation without offending her.

 

The best advise here is to not give her `constructive criticism' There is a theory (I agree with) that women typically want to heard. We tend to pretty much know the answers to most of our problems and vetting them out loud serves a purpose. If you see a group of women together, they are typically venting.

 

Men are fixers. They hear a women in distress and want to fix it. But in turn a woman simply wants to heard and understood, not fixed.

 

Just try it. . Listen to her empathetically. Mirror back to her what she just shared with you and ask her how she plans to resolve it.

Support and encourage her ideas. Tell her you understand how it must feel and leave it alone. If that's too much work, just listen.

 

I learned this in marriage counseling bytheway. I pretty much stopped sharing with my husband because he would immediately begin to tell me how to fix it and what I was doing wrong and what I should do it differently.

 

I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but it is upsetting from our point of view. She likely isn't looking for a resolution (action based) she is seeking understanding (emotionally based)

 

Either that or she needs to curb her complaining? I say that honestly because I tend to go on too much about my frustrations and I know it wears on my partner.

(I am divorced from said husband)

[thealchemist]

Thank you. If I don't say anything, however, I'm not listening according to her.

Well a back and forth is required for a dialog.

 

Just don't let that back and forth involve you telling her what she should do.

 

If she is telling you about something and wants to talk instead of telling her things ASK her things.

 

If she is talking about people at work ask who they are and get clarity on them. Or ask what the job involved that upset her. Or anything.

 

They key in my opinion is to ask and not tell. For more dialog just get her to tell you more about it. Or ask her other people's opinion about the situation at work.

[reinventmyself]

Hello,

 

She is very demanding for reciprocation to her love, which I feel like I offer, but it always results in a fight. I can't have honest talks with her about things she is going through because she only wants to hear the things she wants to hear and is convince I don't support her. And when I accidentally say something that upsets her She brings it up in every subsequent argument and never lets me live it down. .

 

 

Outside of all of us lecturing you about listening skills :) She is partly to blame here.

I think the whole communication/listening thing is a sensitive issue and she's overreacting a little bit trying to drive her point home.

But her bringing up things that have long since past is a nasty toxic habit that will erode any decent relationship.

[OneRainyDay]

Outside of all of us lecturing you about listening skills :) She is partly to blame here.

I think the whole communication/listening thing is a sensitive issue and she's overreacting a little bit trying to drive her point home.

But her bringing up things that have long since past is a nasty toxic habit that will erode any decent relationship.

 

Thank you for your understanding of both sides. I just hope this can work out. I'm afraid that it's always one thing after another. I don't want to resolve this only for something else to uprise. That has kind of been the trend.

[OneRainyDay]

Well a back and forth is required for a dialog.

 

Just don't let that back and forth involve you telling her what she should do.

 

If she is telling you about something and wants to talk instead of telling her things ASK her things.

 

If she is talking about people at work ask who they are and get clarity on them. Or ask what the job involved that upset her. Or anything.

 

They key in my opinion is to ask and not tell. For more dialog just get her to tell you more about it. Or ask her other people's opinion about the situation at work.

 

Good advice. I guess I'm not good at holding conversation. A lot of times it's about the same thing and I don't want to sound like a broken record having the same response for the same issues everyday.

[Capricorn3]

It all sounds very exhausting and stressful. She sounds very insecure with low self-esteem and, going by your description of how things are already, in such a short space of time, I can imagine a difficult future for you. You two are incompatible (imo). My view may not be popular, but I would cut my losses now before too much time is invested in this, already stressful relationship.

[milly007]

I'd be upfront with her and express your concerns. Let her know you care about her and are trying to help, but feel you can't win regardless of how you try and assist her because she seems to get upset.

 

Ask her what you can do to help. Ask her for feedback.

 

This all sounds extremely exhausting, and I couldn't continue feeling like a punching bag, especially if I'm genuinely trying to help someone (because this is honestly the impression I got when I read your post).

 

So you two can either talk it out and figure out a way to resolve things, or I suggest walking away.

 

In no way should you be feeling the need to distance yourself from your girlfriend. Provided this continues, you'll be calling it a day with this relationship.

 

I honestly couldn't tolerate feeling this way in a relationship.

 

Have you talked to her at all about this?

 

If you don't point it out to her, it will only get worse. Clearly she thinks she's in the right. Her behaviour will continue.

[Vanishing Girl]

Ok 'communication 101'. Supportive to her is you listening. That's it, that's all you have to do. That's right, it means she wants to 'be heard' and often that in itself is supportive in her eyes. It means to her, that you a care. Do not try to fix it, make suggests or the absolute worst, criticize or imply she should handle things differently.

 

Yes! So much.

[LC8328]

YES to the "listen but don't offer solutions" reply.

 

And YES YES to the "she is also to blame." Great advice!

 

I can offer a unique perspective. I was that person. Not until the last couple of years have I been making a slow effort to change, so in a way I'm still that person.

 

Let me offer some insight. She brings up past things you've said because they either still hurt her feelings, or she has a mental list of things you have done that for whatever reason she is holding onto because she is unsure of them (for instance, when she casually mentioned she should lose some weight and you didn't speak up right away, does that mean you think she's fat? etc etc).

 

I am not defending her...just explaining her. She wants so badly to be happy, but there is a mental checklist of things she needs to check off before that can happen. Unfortunately, after exhausting talks between you and her that alleviates some of her issues for one topic, three more topics sprout up, so it is an endless and frusterating cycle.

 

If you don't say anything, she will find fault in that. If you do, she will find fault in that too. Like I said... I was that person.

 

In my opinion, from my experience, the only thing that will truly change this situation is if she is aware of what she does and makes a conscious effort to change.

 

This is not easy by far. It means she has to try to look at herself from an outside perspective while she converses with you, double checking to ensure she's not micromanaging how you react or talk. For me, I have had to stop midsentence, backup, and apologize. Then the next time I do 'exercises' like, I'll think to myself, "I want to ask him why he didn't say I love you, but I will let it go for now and see what happens." Then I later see for myself that of course he loves me; he was just busy at the time. Etc. Baby steps, some trust and willingness to let go of control on her part.

 

But the question is, what can YOU do? This is hard, because as we've established, this is on her for the most part (imo). All you can do is be patient, still stand up for yourself and judge for yourself the best way to communicate what you are feeling while being sensitive to her insecurity and control issues. My partner is extremely patient and genuinely loves me, so I lucked out I think. I don't make it easy for him, but he has his own quirks too, lol. What I'm saying is that it is possible to work this out and communicate better without you always being the bad guy, but it will take work from both of you, and it won't happen overnight. So the next step is for you to talk to her about this, which will not be easy in the least. But in reality you are going to have to bring this up if you want to see any improvement in your relationship. Good luck. I really hope it works out.

[catfeeder]

"I'm sorry to hear that. Is there something I can do to help you?"

[OneRainyDay]

YES to the "listen but don't offer solutions" reply.

 

And YES YES to the "she is also to blame." Great advice!

 

I can offer a unique perspective. I was that person. Not until the last couple of years have I been making a slow effort to change, so in a way I'm still that person.

 

Let me offer some insight. She brings up past things you've said because they either still hurt her feelings, or she has a mental list of things you have done that for whatever reason she is holding onto because she is unsure of them (for instance, when she casually mentioned she should lose some weight and you didn't speak up right away, does that mean you think she's fat? etc etc).

 

I am not defending her...just explaining her. She wants so badly to be happy, but there is a mental checklist of things she needs to check off before that can happen. Unfortunately, after exhausting talks between you and her that alleviates some of her issues for one topic, three more topics sprout up, so it is an endless and frusterating cycle.

 

If you don't say anything, she will find fault in that. If you do, she will find fault in that too. Like I said... I was that person.

 

In my opinion, from my experience, the only thing that will truly change this situation is if she is aware of what she does and makes a conscious effort to change.

 

This is not easy by far. It means she has to try to look at herself from an outside perspective while she converses with you, double checking to ensure she's not micromanaging how you react or talk. For me, I have had to stop midsentence, backup, and apologize. Then the next time I do 'exercises' like, I'll think to myself, "I want to ask him why he didn't say I love you, but I will let it go for now and see what happens." Then I later see for myself that of course he loves me; he was just busy at the time. Etc. Baby steps, some trust and willingness to let go of control on her part.

 

But the question is, what can YOU do? This is hard, because as we've established, this is on her for the most part (imo). All you can do is be patient, still stand up for yourself and judge for yourself the best way to communicate what you are feeling while being sensitive to her insecurity and control issues. My partner is extremely patient and genuinely loves me, so I lucked out I think. I don't make it easy for him, but he has his own quirks too, lol. What I'm saying is that it is possible to work this out and communicate better without you always being the bad guy, but it will take work from both of you, and it won't happen overnight. So the next step is for you to talk to her about this, which will not be easy in the least. But in reality you are going to have to bring this up if you want to see any improvement in your relationship. Good luck. I really hope it works out.

 

Thanks, I've been conversing with her about this. I'm leaning towards breaking up/taking a step back, but she responds with "You're only using me for sex and my money then?!" She treats my input as if I only cared about using her for her resources.

[Wiseman2]

Is she helping you financially? If so, pay her back immediately and stop accepting any financial support. It would be best to end this. There is a lot of resentment and hostility here.

"You're only using me for sex and my money then?!" She treats my input as if I only cared about using her for her resources.

[OneRainyDay]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Quick update, I decided to end it. I wanted to find a time to do so but it wound up happening this morning via text, then eventually phone call before work, reminder that we work together. She said it was immature to do so on the phone and not in person and called me a child. Also, she believes it was intentional in order to ruin her day at work, and her chances to succeed. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone or make a big deal, but she believes that I am planning to ostracize her and she threatened the possibility of getting HR involved.

 

I was able to calm her down, but still said I wasn't taking back that I needed time apart. I told her we can work through this somehow. We do work in different departments, which helps. When she came in she turned away and refused eye contact with me. I left work and came home to find that she hasn't attempted contact and has blocked me from all social media.

[catfeeder]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Quick update, I decided to end it. I wanted to find a time to do so but it wound up happening this morning via text, then eventually phone call before work, reminder that we work together. She said it was immature to do so on the phone and not in person and called me a child. Also, she believes it was intentional in order to ruin her day at work, and her chances to succeed. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone or make a big deal, but she believes that I am planning to ostracize her and she threatened the possibility of getting HR involved.

 

I was able to calm her down, but still said I wasn't taking back that I needed time apart. I told her we can work through this somehow. We do work in different departments, which helps. When she came in she turned away and refused eye contact with me. I left work and came home to find that she hasn't attempted contact and has blocked me from all social media.

 

Stop allowing 'what she says' to manipulate you. You got into this problem because you've allowed her to drive your behavior. I'd skip that. I'd go 'no contact' and deal with her only professionally at work. Period. If she threatens HR action, I'd just say, "Okay, good luck with that." She's a reflection on herself, not you, and the sooner you can cut your ties with her, the better off you will be.