Need some advice about a woman

[john806533]

I don't know how or where to begin. I joined this forum because for the first time I think in my life I have no answer and I don't know what to do. I'm a 38 year old man. I broke up with my ex of 4 years about 3 months ago. I was going to stay single for awhile and just recover. Recently a woman I used to work with 10 years ago was on Facebook and she got divorced herself about a year ago. To speed things up in about a months time we started messaging then texting and about the last week started talking on the phone. We both kinda fell for each other and have been flirting and talking up a storm. I've seen recent pictures of her and she me and we were both pretty excited to eventually date in the next few weeks and meet again for the first time in years. I been taking it slow because I'm still fresh out of my relationship and I want to be ready first. Now here's the problem I have no idea what to do about. ...

 

Last night we were showing each other pictures of pets and 1 thing led to another and I sent her a naughty picture and then she sent 1 of herself. Now her body is not the best but I'm not that judgmental but somehow and I can't even find anything even close to this on Google she has a indentation around her whole mid hip section of her body just about her privates across her hips and across the top of her butt. She has said that she's embarrassed about how chunky her butt is but see here's the problem. She doesn't have a weight issue after some talking I have discovered that she has basically worn her belt on her pants so tight that she has actually indentated her belt line into the wrong section of her body. She has 2 kids and basically she never changed pant sizes through everything and she has basically remodeled her waist line into something really bad. I can not begin to describe to you here on how bad this is really. It's really bad to the point I cried when I seen it. Her ex husband was a bad guy and apparently no doctor has ever told her about any of this and what she was doing and she has basically kept this problem a secret because of embarrassment because she thought it was fat. I don't know how she went through life for 10 years and nobody caught this until now. The 2 people who know about this her oldest daughter and ex husband lied to her and said it's not that bad.

 

I'm here to tell you that it's very bad. I'm scared for her because I don't think this is fixable and I'm sick to my stomach because every attraction I had for this woman has completely tanked and it's quite disgusting and I'm not the kinda person to judge a person's body very much but I'm sick to my stomach and I'm full of guilt for feeling the way i do and I have no idea what to do. If I tell her any of this stuff I'm going to destroy her litteraly. Her self-esteem is very low she was in a abusive relationship and I have been her first bright light of hope in years. This is the saddest situation I have ever faced in my life and I have no idea what to do. This girl has been through so much and she was always the sweetest person and we have become super close and I'm going to destroy her whole life because it is that bad that I don't think I can handle being intimate with her if the time comes. I have tried googling anything that might resemble this problem of hers and I can't even come close to finding anything like it. I have never seen anything this sad and this stupid before in my life. I just can't understand how this has gone unmentioned to her in 10 years. And I don't even know if it's fixable. We talked a little bit about it after the picture was sent and she's embarrassed ashamed and I'm the first person who has actually told her the truth that it's not fat she just indentated her whole body with too tight of pants. She thought it was just fat or something. I have been sick to my stomach all day with grief for her disgust in myself for feeling this way about such a sweet woman and I keep looking back at this picture because I keep telling myself that it's not as bad as I assumed and everytime I see the picture I get sick because of the flood of emotions. Because I am disgusted by the sight of it and I don't know if I can handle this.

 

As selfish as it is I have been thinking about killing myself on and off because I'm sick of the feelings I have for such a great woman but I think about what it's going to do to her if I tell her my true feelings. What on God's earth should I do here? Please I hope someone has a answer for me because I am literally loosing my mind with this. I know love and looks shouldn't be everything but this situation is really that bad. Imagine a 2 inch complete circle around a normal women's hips the width of a belt into the frame of the body. And then the thighs pop out normal again. She has 4 butt cheeks because where she wore her pants was across the crack of the top of the butt line. She said she started noticing it during her first pregnancy because she was too embarrassed to buy maternity pants and she kept the same pants and just let them ride lower and tighten the belt and I guess just kept doing it all these years and never changed pants sizes. And she's not dumb but this also is like the stupidest thing I have ever seen. What do I do? Please someone help me

[Sportster2005]

Your reactions seem very harsh. Especially if you are considering suicide. I think you should seek professional help. Your problems seem beyond the scope of amateur advice.

[dundermiflin]

I do think it would be fixable with plastic surgery, but by a good expensive doctor. Have her go on Botched. I think just try being her friend.

[Di_ya2009]

You cannot deny how you feel even if you are ashamed to feel this way. It is very unfortunate since you had a great connection prior to seeing this; but if it really bothers you it might be better to end it now rather than later before more time is invested especially if you feel strongly about this issue.

 

You know yourself and your feelings the best:

 

1) End it now...there may be hurt feelings but you will be saving further heartache

2) Go along with the date and see if your feelings change

3) Most people will be ashamed to admit feeling this way but at least you are being honest with yourself.

 

Truth of the matter is if this affects you tremendously; it will affect how you are towards her indirectly. You do not want to force yourself to be with her b/c you don't want to seem like a jerk or hurt her now...but it will still negatively impact you and her if your reasons for going along is only out of guilt.

[Ziggy123]

This seems to be an extreme over reaction. You either accept her and love her as she is or you let her go.

[john806533]

I agree and I should have not put the suicide thing so bluntly like the way i did. I should have phased it like I want to die

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this was the perfect storm of being on the rebound, nostalgia, a 10 y/o memory of someone, flirting a lot and sexting before meeting in person, building a lot up in your mind. All in all if you're not attracted to someone, you don't date them.

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. I was going to stay single for awhile and just recover. Recently a woman I used to work with 10 years ago was on Facebook and she got divorced herself about a year ago. We both kinda fell for each other and have been flirting and talking up a storm. I've seen recent pictures of her and she me and we were both pretty excited to eventually date in the next few weeks and meet again for the first time in years.

[john806533]

So you guys seriously think I'm on the rebound?

[ThatwasThen]

You haven't even met her in person for goodness sakes. Meet her and then tell her that the online chemistry didn't pan out in real life and then wish her well and be on your way.

 

Get help for your depression and thoughts of wishing you were dead.

 

Clearly, she is confident about her "indentation" or she wouldn't have gone ahead and sent you a photo of it so don't even mention your aversion to it which will likely set her back in her confidence.

[john806533]

That's a good point. I just don't want to end up hurting anyone. I don't want to be judgmental. I just hate that I am being like this. I'm not perfect myself. Nobody is. I just have never come across this situation before. I don't want to end up alone anymore and I don't want to be judgmental.

[Capricorn3]

Your reactions seem very harsh. Especially if you are considering suicide. I think you should seek professional help. Your problems seem beyond the scope of amateur advice.

 

I second this post.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Wow, you seem really upset over what is probably nothing. The poor woman. You seem really obsessed over this one small thing. Meet her first and see how you feel. She will probably look different and better in person.

[john806533]

Wow, you seem really upset over what is probably nothing. The poor woman. You seem really obsessed over this one small thing. Meet her first and see how you feel. She will probably look different and better in person.

It's the first woman to show me interest in a long time other than my ex. I feel the clock ticking on my age and my ability to be able to settle down finally. I really had strong hopes for this lady and still do. I just hate that this thing came to light. Because like some said it shouldn't be that big of a issue. I feel terrible about the way i feel and I know I shouldn't feel this way.

[Wiseman2]

Ok you don't have to meet/date her. Especially after that awkward sexting exchange, it may be better to wind this down into "nice to get in touch again"...then fade out.

I don't want to end up alone anymore .