Chances are good with my ex but now theres someone else

[RyanJ64]

I'll expand on the title. So my ex and I had a really bad breakup after 1.5 years. I didnt take it well at all because I loved her very much. And she was deadset to moving on. I made huge mistakes that caused the breakup but learned from them.

 

Its now been 9 months since we split and in those 9 months she has been on tinder, clubbing, making out with random people and has actively tried meeting people.

 

After hearing that I tried tinder myself (not a fan of clubs) and i hit it off with this this one girl. And shes pretty amazing but its only been two dates thus far.

 

BUUUUT i heard from a friend that my ex has just been putting on a brave face and has been reminiscing about us alot lately. They are adamant there could be a chance of her wanting to get back together.

 

Im so happy of a chance of us getting back together. But im confused because I have hit it off rather well with this other girl. Should I keep seeing this other girl? Even if theres a chance of rekindling my relationship with my ex.

 

1) Should I still see her and if my ex wants try again, end things with the other girl?

 

2) End things now with the other girl?

[Liraele]

I vote for option 3:

 

Continuing seeing the new girl and ignore your ex.

 

It didn't work out, and there are reasons for that. Her getting nostalgic doesn't mean she wants to get back together. Don't let other people "sharing" things about her mess with your head.

[Bekki47]

I think you should forget the ex and give the new girl a chance. Your ex finished with you 9 months ago and now she's been out there doing what she's doing and is now realising the grass is not greener and is now thinking about you again. She let you go...She was willing to lose you let her live with that now and move on your self and be happy. Yes you may still love her but she didn't love you enough to be with you and it's took her 9 months to realise what she had What if you finish with this new girl and take back your ex for her to break your heart again further down the line?..Don't do that to yourself.

[SweetGirl28]

You cannot put any value in hearsay. She isn't the one telling you this, she isn't in contact with you, so dont revisit the past.

Give the new girl a fair chance.

[sputnik123]

Hey Ryan,

 

SweetGirl has the plan! ;)

[reinventmyself]

1) Should I still see her and if my ex wants try again, end things with the other girl?

 

2) End things now with the other girl?

 

1)Unless your ex is standing right in front of you telling you otherwise, you continue moving forward.

2)Cross that bridge when you get there. . if you get there.

3)Continue dating and don't take back someone who risked losing you to begin with.

[boltnrun]

Did your ex actually tell that person "I am thinking about asking Ryan if he'd consider talking about getting back together"?

 

If not, you (and your friend) are purely speculating.

[RayRay63]

You cannot put any value in hearsay. She isn't the one telling you this, she isn't in contact with you, so don't revisit the past.

Give the new girl a fair chance.

 

I second this.

 

Be objective for a minute. Look at the timing.

 

1) She axed you (or so it sounds like).

 

2) Months later, you meet new amazing girl, you start dating.

 

3) She talks with your friend, who probably told her you started dating new amazing girl (did they tell you they did?).

 

4) She suddenly, after all this time, starts tossing out vague smoke signals. This does not actually mean she wants you back.

 

Forget the ex, and put your energy into wooing new amazing girl.

[RyanJ64]

I understand what youre saying. But she didnt finish with me because she wanted to see what else was out there... she broke it off because of what I did. Story is we broke up mutually but were basically talking about getting back together. 4 weeks after we broke up I got really drunk out of depression while out clubbing due to my mate asking how she was, they didnt know yet we had split. It sounds cliche to say but its true that an ex friend took advantage of that and I ended up sleeping with someone else😔

 

I realise how ty of a person it makes me and my actions were a dog lile behaviour, but I know this, I know how horrible I am for letting it happen. Its not like me to do anything like that so it really hurt her as well as myself. But the damage was done. I learned from my mistakes instantly when I became aware of what was happening. Ive shown my ex that I love her and I never gave up. For 9 months apart now, I still love her.

Thats why I cant just let her go... because I do love her very much.

[RyanJ64]

Did your ex actually tell that person "I am thinking about asking Ryan if he'd consider talking about getting back together"?

 

If not, you (and your friend) are purely speculating.

 

I was told by the boyfriend of one of her best friends. He has heard alot from his girlfriend about how she isnt that happy and has been putting on a brave face. From what he hears, she misses me and has forgiven me for what I did and is only thinkingof the positives from our relationship. I put alot of effort to show her how much she means to me.

[boltnrun]

I was told by the boyfriend of one of her best friends. He has heard alot from his girlfriend about how she isnt that happy and has been putting on a brave face. From what he hears, she misses me and has forgiven me for what I did and is only thinkingof the positives from our relationship. I put alot of effort to show her how much she means to me.

 

But that doesn't answer my question.

 

She can miss you and forgive you (which is good for the both of you, BTW) but that doesn't mean she wants to get back together.

 

Did she say those words?

[SweetGirl28]

You can't blame yourself for that. Alcohol can certainly impact decisions, but you weren't taken advantage of, and you need to own that. Also, you weren't together, so she had zero right to be hurt over it. Part of breaking up is realizing the other person is most likely going to have sex with someone else. Your breakup was mutual. If someone wants you, they make it clear. There's too many games people play when they break up. Omg just say what you mean, mean what you say, and get on with fixing whatever the hell broke if you truly want to be together. Which is not what you were doing.

You'd be giving this new girl a chance if you didn't hear this about your ex through the grapevine. Again I'll say it,

leave your ex alone. She isn't contacting you. You're finding false hope in words that may have been misconstrued. When someone wants you, they make an effort to contact, to get together, to show up where you are.

Let her continue to live her life, you work on finding peace within yourself for the guilt you feel, and focus on the new girl.

[SweetGirl28]

But that doesn't answer my question.

 

She can miss you and forgive you (which is good for the both of you, BTW) but that doesn't mean she wants to get back together.

 

Did she say those words?

 

Truth^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

As time passes, the bad feelings fade, the good memories are more prevalent, but it still means nothing unless they

say it directly . Missing someone is not the same as wanting a relationship again. If that were the case, people would get back together more often.

[Stacks44]

I'd like to add that you have had two good dates with someone new, and let's say that your ex comes back, you reconcile, it ends badly a second time, and you may go the rest of your life wondering "what if" about this new girl.

 

A HUGE word of caution here. DO NOT, under any circumstances, use this new girl to make your ex jealous. Either see her because you want to, break it off with her because you're not emotionally available, or take things very slowly until your head becomes clear, and keeping her in the loop.

 

Take it from someone who's been a rebound, and has rebounded. There's a special place in hell reserved for those of us that toy with the emotions of others in an attempt to resolve our own. Be true to her, and yourself. And above all, good luck.

[Morello]

Take it from someone who's been a rebound, and has rebounded. There's a special place in hell reserved for those of us that toy with the emotions of others in an attempt to resolve our own. Be true to her, and yourself. And above all, good luck.

 

Yeah, rebounding seems fine in the beginning but in the end it just ends pretty bad for everyone involved. I was a rebound and a few weeks after the break up I met a really nice girl who developed feelings for me. I developed some feelings for her too but I was still stuck with the ex. I told her early on what was happenning and she still wanted to try it. I had to eventually tell her that I didn't wanna pursue it at that time before I healed, which led her to meet another guy and start a relationship with him.

 

Now we talked again recently and it looks like her feelings for me are still intact, which makes me feel sorry for her guy as I was in his situation previously. Or maybe she's just confused, I don't know. I'd totally consider dating her now if she wasn't with someone else, but we have decided to go NC at least until she's still with this guy.

 

I feel a bit sorry for myself, as I was a rebound and avoided doing the same with this girl but then she started off with another guy and I'm the one who ended up alone in this story. But in the long run I think I made the right choice.

 

I'm working hard on myself to see if my next relationship gets a bit less complicated than that... In a way, I do think I'm the common denominator there so I need to end the cycle.

[RyanJ64]

I hear you all loud and clear. Thank you all for your advice. This new girl isnt a rebound more of a lets see whats out there. And by no means am I doing this to make my ex jealous, not that kind of person. I think i need to tell this new girl Im not emotionally ready just yet and would prefer to take it slow.

 

I havent heard my ex say it directly to me. Shes a very guarded person and very rarely opens up to people. She wouldn't say it unless she really needed to. My ex has been chatting to me lately. Calls me maybe once a week or two weeks. I have hung out with her once about 3 weeks ago and she seemed to be testing me? As weird as that sounds I think to see if ive changed. Not sure. Im making her sound bad but believe me shes incredible, just had a ty few months.

I think im going to wait a few weeks unitl I feel ready to tell her my feelings. Hopefully she expresses something first.... not holding onto hope of that but itd be great if it happened haha.

[RayRay63]

I havent heard my ex say it directly to me

 

She may not have said it to anyone, it may be her friend's opinion, or your friend's opinion. They are adamant there could be a chance is not her opinion.

 

Maybe you should ask her what she is looking for from you?

 

If she says just a platonic friendship, tell her to give you a few months space as you are exploring a new relationship.

 

If she says that's fair and I'll respect your wishes, that would be consistent with your OP where she says she was moving on.

 

If she has an armageddon level meltdown, why would you want to buy back into that?

 

There is of course another possibility, but if she doesn't come out and say it, time to move on.

[MissCanuck]

I understand what youre saying. But she didnt finish with me because she wanted to see what else was out there... she broke it off because of what I did. Story is we broke up mutually but were basically talking about getting back together. 4 weeks after we broke up I got really drunk out of depression while out clubbing due to my mate asking how she was, they didnt know yet we had split. It sounds cliche to say but its true that an ex friend took advantage of that and I ended up sleeping with someone else😔

 

I realise how ty of a person it makes me and my actions were a dog lile behaviour, but I know this, I know how horrible I am for letting it happen. Its not like me to do anything like that so it really hurt her as well as myself. But the damage was done. I learned from my mistakes instantly when I became aware of what was happening. Ive shown my ex that I love her and I never gave up. For 9 months apart now, I still love her.

Thats why I cant just let her go... because I do love her very much.

 

Why did you break up to begin with?

[RyanJ64]

I trust the guy who told me. Why we broke up , due to work I became distant, and we lived 2 hours apart so it was difficult to get the energy to see each other. But mainly I was distant and she then felt we had an experation date.

[SweetGirl28]

Do you live closer now? I think you're feeling immense guilt and want to try to fix this.

Does the new girl know you hung out with your ex? Dating someone casually is fine, but dating someone who hangs out with an ex they have feelings for isn't. You need to let the girl go. Good luck trying to get your ex back, really. I hope it works for you, but you have to be honest so you don't waste the other girls time.

[RyanJ64]

Yeah we both moved out and are now 10 mins away.

Ive been feeling guilt since this all happened.

I havent told the new girl. Its only been two dates so its very casual.

[SweetGirl28]

Yeah we both moved out and are now 10 mins away.

Ive been feeling guilt since this all happened.

I havent told the new girl. Its only been two dates so its very casual.

 

OH wow, you're really close lol. Okay, so I'll change my mind from previous, because you aren't going to give up on this, I can tell. So since you've hung out, invite her out again, ask her what she wants, and take it from there. But do not get over emotional or needy, you will push her away. Don't rehash the past if possible, because it's been so long you'd have to start over. Rehashing brings back bad memories.

The new girl, ya it's casual, which is fine, as long as she understands that you are in contact with your ex. This is a very

big red flag for many, and they don't want to date someone, even casually, when the ex is around. You have to not be selfish and risk losing her for the chance with your ex, because I guarantee if she knew this, she'd not date you, even casually.