Girlfriend constantly talks to straight single guy friends behind my back.

[jonRock]

Hello, this is my first message on this forum. I really need some advice from people that know a lot about relationships. I am currently in a somewhat long-term relationship (10 months) with a girl that I love. (Where should I begin.) Ok. So I'll start with this since it pertains to the topic at hand. We broke up for a month after dating for 6 months. During that time we were broken up, she had slept with a guy (multiple times) who she claimed was just her friend before we broke up. She would bring him around me and hang out with him. She dumped me because I wasn't "affectionate" enough, and she said she started having feelings for this "friend." She claims that she can only have guy friends because she doesn't get along with girls because they hate her. The only problem is that she has slept with so many of her guy friends in the past. Now we are living together and have a child on the way. This is extremely ****ed up, but there is a slight possibility that the baby is not mine and actually her friend's that she slept with during the time we were broken up. So that is where I'm at right now. She claims that she is loyal, but she cheated on the last person she dated before me. Now, ever since we've been dating she constantly texts and private facebook messages her single, straight guy friends. At first I had trusted her, but after what happened when we were broken up I'm having a hard time. She never even told me that she had slept with him until I questioned paternity after finding out the possible date of conception. She just said that she thought I already knew that she slept with him. So naturally I told her to completely erase that "friend" from her life (his phone number from her contacts and delete him from all forms of social media) if she wanted to be with me, and she did, but she argued about it at first. So this is why I have a problem with her constantly talking to her guy friends behind my back. She literally talks to her guy friends all throughout the day and even late into the night sometimes. I had told her that she needs to stop this because I feel it's not right, but she keeps doing this. She usually turns her phone away from me when she talks to them, and when I ask politely who she's talking to she gets really mad and defensive, and she says something like "why? do you think I'm cheating on you." And I'm just like, "No! you just literally talk to a bunch of people I don't know all throughout the day every day, and you never tell me what you're talking about or who you're talking to." She still even talks to guys she has dated in the past! She also still wants to hang out with friends that she has slept with in the past! Just tonight I asked her who she was talking to because she was turning the phone away from me as she was talking, and she got extremely defensive and actually hit me in the face. She was talking to some straight, single guy as usual. I've only ever asked who she was talking to a few times in our relationship because she never tells me. I am so good to her. I am extremely kind, and I do everything she asks of me and then some. I am even much more affectionate now. I constantly clean for her. I do the dishes, laundry, clean the restrooms, etc. And she barely does anything. I just can't take this! It's literally driving me crazy. I need real personal advice.

[DanZee]

Well, if there wasn't a baby involved, I would have said that you should just break up with her because you're jealous and controlling. She's not your wife. Why should she stop talking with her friends? Just because you don't like it? I have known girls who just didn't like other girls and hung out with guys. The other girls were jealous of them. So I sort of believe her excuse that she doesn't get along with other girls. She's a sociable girl and you should have known that before you hooked up with her. And you criticizing her and telling her to stop what she's doing is only going to drive her away. If you can be a little more open, emotional and romantic with her, you might see her spending less and less time on her phone and more and more time with you. As things are going now, you probably won't last long with her once the baby comes.

 

The bottom line is either you trust her or you don't. Girls cheat when their boyfriends can't or don't want to give them what they want, and most of the time that's emotion. If you don't act like you love her with all your heart, she's just going to look somewhere else. And she has plenty of exes and boyfriends to choose from. But if she loves you, she will stick by you.

 

So stop arguing with her or telling her she can't do this or asking who's the babyfather. Tell her how much you love and appreciate her, and give her that emotional support she craves. She will stop trying to seek that from her exes if you can give her that. And with the baby coming, she's going to need all the emotional support you can give her.

[jonRock]

Thanks for the advice. Maybe some of it is my fault, but did you read my entire post? I am affectionate and very, very good to her. I tell her I love her all the time! I'm ok with her having guy friends, but I'm not ok with her trying to keep them secret. Like, she doesn't want me to know that she is talking to them. And when I happen to just simply ask who she is talking to because I want to be a part of the conversation, she gets very defensive. Also, I believe I had every right to question paternity. I would be insane not to. She knows how much I love her and how much I do for her, but she doesn't want to include me in any conversation she has with her guy friends. She's being way too secretive about the conversations she has with them, and naturally, yes, I get skeptical. Who the hell wouldn't?!

[jonRock]

She has not once in our entire relationship even mentioned who she was talking to or what it was about. Like she could at least be like, "Hey me and John are having this hilarious conversation about...." and include me in the conversation. I tell her who I'm texting or facebooking all the time and I try to include her in my conversations. I know she would absolutely hate it if I texted girl friends all the time behind her back and never once mentioned it to her. So why is it ok for her to do this to me?

[SherrySher]

You need to leave her.

 

She has very low morals, she thrives on mens attentions, she's not loyal and she is physically abusive...why on earth would you stay?

 

This baby isn't even yours. Protect your sanity and get away from her as soon as you can. This is not a nice girl.

[DanZee]

Thanks for the advice. Maybe some of it is my fault, but did you read my entire post? I am affectionate and very, very good to her. I tell her I love her all the time! I'm ok with her having guy friends, but I'm not ok with her trying to keep them secret.

 

I did read the entire post, but in a jealousy situation a lot of people use "affection" to try to control the other person. They think, "if I say I love you enough times they will do what I want." Also, it's up to her to say whether you're very affectionate. Nobody wants to think they're not affectionate, it's whether she sees it as controlling or not.

 

And then you're still saying she can have guy friends ... as long as you know everything they're saying to her and she's saying to them. That attitude is too controlling and it's not working. Just assume she'll tell you if her friends have anything important to say and at least you can cohabitate peacefully without arguing over it, and like I said, she might actually not do it as often.

[ginaloribic]

Hi OP. I feel there are a lot of for & against points with this relationship. It is a pity there is a child involved in the equation.

 

Sure, if someone is that way enclined, you do need to try and control your insecurities and jealousies to a degree as they can be very corrosive to a relationship. However, it needs to be a two way street in some ways also. She is indulging in activities that she knows makes you feel uneasy and continues to do so.

 

The final straw for me would be that she saw fit to hit you. Regardles of how upset or angry she may be.

 

I feel that deep down you know this relationship isn't right for either of you, but ultimately only you can decide.

[Ziggy123]

I think I would leave if I were you. She is doing whatever she wants and isn't going to change or compromise for you. And you are not happy with how she is acting. She also hit you.

 

In terms of the baby, maybe you can discuss a co parenting relationship for this baby and also get a paternity test.

[Wiseman2]

Does she work? Where does she work? Why have you moved in and have a baby on the way after dating 10 mos? How well do you know her and her friends or family? Is it possible she's an escort? Have a paternity test done and find out more about her and her "friends"....or are they clients?

10 months. we are living together and have a child on the way.

[Giblesp]

Please use paragraphs, your post is very difficult to read.

 

People will tell you to stay together for the baby. However, what sort of dad are you going to be, if you can't look after and stand up for yourself. The harder path would be to break up and do your best as a parent. But that would be the better path, it will be best for you and the child.

[No1]

First the relationship. She checked out of it many months ago. You are a housekeeper, provider, a stable person she can see every day and she knows you wont hurt her. You are her comfort, her blanket, her crutch. She has no respect for you and I think there is no romantic relationship here. Sorry to say but Ive been where you are and its over.

I know you are having sleepless nights and this is driving you mad but she is going to be of no comfort for you. I know you know she is cheating, she knows you know she is cheating but since you have no "proof" she is going to continue to do what she is doing. At some point you are going to have to put your foot down and not allow her to run you over anymore. She is looking for a reason to break up and if you think she is cheating, then tell her. Stand up for yourself. The relationship is doomed either way, so might as well say your peace. If she breaks up with you then she breaks up with you, she is going to do it anyways. This way you can say your peace and know you are right. I would rather live like that then regret never saying what I actually felt.

Far as the baby goes... all you can do is wait, then ask for a DNA test. In fact, research laws in your state and see if you can have a court order for one if she says no. If it is your child, then consult with an atty to see about custody. (if thats what you want)

No matter what happens, you are going to be okay. If the child is not yours, then tell her to pound sand because you have an eye problem... you cant see you and her working out. If the child is yours, then you two can still be broken up, just have to go to court about custody.. OR.. you can suggest couples counseling and see if you two can get your differences out. Maybe she has issues about commitment or she is just loves the attention. Who knows but a few counseling sessions wouldnt hurt.

You are going to be okay.. Dont be afraid to stand up for yourself.

[ControlDenied]

She seems like an attention to me. Talking to other men all day long, NOT acceptable!!!

She must respect you! You must act like a man who commands respect.

[ControlDenied]

Get a good lawyer my friend.

[Pleasedonot5]

You should do a DNA test. If it isn't yours, leave. You'll find someone else.