Dates for the unfortunate

[Tuna010]

How do unattractice people get dates and get people to give them a chance based past first appearances?

[Andrina]

If you walk through a mall, flea market, or anywhere large populations gather, you will see that many couples don't look like gorgeous celebrity couples, so the rest of the population who are less than 9s and 10s have found ways to pair up. Usually, but not always, couples often match in their level of looks. If you seek someone who possesses a similar level of attractiveness, you will likely have a better chance at success in that dating experience. Look the best you can for you, and ask for a fashion makeover from a trusted friend for help, to bolster your self-esteem.

[j.man]

There have been MAYBE three people my entire life whom I've looked at and thought, "Man... that is an unfortunate looking person."

 

First and foremost, learn to be happy with yourself. Diffidence shows, and it's glaring.

 

Second, and some might take issue with the point, but there are such things as more universally appealing aesthetics, and there's typically always a way someone can up their marketability in that regard. If you've got a friend who's kind-hearted but still willing to give some hard, honest input, maybe ask them if there's something they can see you can improve. Could be hygienic, baggy clothes, you might have a demeanor you could look chipper with, losing a few pounds might do you some good, or whatever else. I haven't seen you, so I couldn't guess.

[Hollyj]

OP, I read through your other thread. This does not sound like an issue with appearance. What does your therapist advise?

[Tuna010]

I'm not too sure, she basically says I have to stop comparing myself to everyone and that I go through these phases often (when she looks back on her notes). She gives me a lot of mindfulness techniques to help calm me down and get out of that negative type of thinking but it's pretty strong it always comes back. I basically feel like I won't be given the same chances as traditionally "pretty" girls even if my personality clicks with someone better and it sucks, I've been lucky to have a few guys that have given me a chance but I feel like they are few and far between, just starting to feel like I'm out of options and I can't force myself to like someone if the attraction/chemistry is not there. Basically I have zero self esteem.

[Capricorn3]

Basically I have zero self esteem.

That's your starting point, where you need to work on. Follow j.man's post above. There is a LOT one can do to improve your life etc, but you need to put the work in as it won't ever magically happen on its own.

[beebs82]

You can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself. Sounds so cheesy but it's true. People are attracted to confidence and your low self esteem will be very apparent to others. This may be more than just a physical appearance issue so I would start with doing the inner work first. Then the outter :)

[Tuna010]

You can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself. Sounds so cheesy but it's true. People are attracted to confidence and your low self esteem will be very apparent to others. This may be more than just a physical appearance issue so I would start with doing the inner work first. Then the outter :)

 

I know, I've struggled with it my whole life it is so hard to change my perception of me. Even when people do give me compliments I don't allow it as it goes against my beliefs and causes new issues in itself as I don't like being lied too...

[Capricorn3]

as I don't like being lied too...

I don't understand this at all seeing as in your previous thread YOU lie and give a fake name and fake city, yet you don't like being lied to? Why is it ok for you to lie to people? :suspicion:

[Tuna010]

I don't understand this at all seeing as in your previous thread YOU lie and give a fake name and fake city, yet you don't like being lied to? Why is it ok for you to lie to people? :suspicion:

My lies are innocent and don't hurt anyone just for my own protection. Someone giving me fake compliments could make me believe something that's not true leading to a false sense of self and it's lying to my face, I only do it to strangers and it would not change a thing

[boltnrun]

Why do you automatically assume the compliments are fake?

[Tuna010]

Why do you automatically assume the compliments are fake?

 

Because usually they are (when directed st me)

[Andrina]

How about putting a spin on it by thinking, "It was really nice of that person to compliment me and want me to feel good for a moment." Think about what your expression will look like while you're thinking negative thoughts versus positive thoughts. With negative thoughts, your face will have an ugly grimace. With positive thoughts, your face will be relaxed, perhaps with a slight smile, and people will be open to approaching you, and you will be someone people will gravitate towards.

 

You can train your brain to think more positively. I suggest reading Rhonda Byrne's book The Secret. It helped me to reach personal goals and changed the way I think, for the better.

[hyden]

Because usually they are (when directed st me)

 

Usually? So, sometimes they aren't fake? It sounds like you have no desire to change your self view, its not just that you have no self-confidence, you are specifically resistant to developing any. Compliments can also be subjective. Just because someone wouldn't be deemed attractive by societal norms (which are ridiculous to begin with), doesn't mean that someone cant actually find them attractive. Their compliment could in fact not be fake from their perspective.

[Tuna010]

Usually? So, sometimes they aren't fake? It sounds like you have no desire to change your self view, its not just that you have no self-confidence, you are specifically resistant to developing any. Compliments can also be subjective. Just because someone wouldn't be deemed attractive by societal norms (which are ridiculous to begin with), doesn't mean that someone cant actually find them attractive. Their compliment could in fact not be fake from their perspective.

 

Well I guess it could be true from there opinion I just don't think it is from my view so it is challenging to accept it. But I guess it is nice that they try to make me feel good so I should be happy they are putting in some effort. Just that at work I hear "you look so tired, so sick etc" all the time so when I hear one compliment I think yeh right! I actually do want to change my self view so bad, it's hard living like this

[Tuna010]

How about putting a spin on it by thinking, "It was really nice of that person to compliment me and want me to feel good for a moment." Think about what your expression will look like while you're thinking negative thoughts versus positive thoughts. With negative thoughts, your face will have an ugly grimace. With positive thoughts, your face will be relaxed, perhaps with a slight smile, and people will be open to approaching you, and you will be someone people will gravitate towards.

 

You can train your brain to think more positively. I suggest reading Rhonda Byrne's book The Secret. It helped me to reach personal goals and changed the way I think, for the better.

 

That is true that I should appreciate the effort they are going to to make me feel good about myself. I have noticed when I was in my happiest relationship I was on cloud 9 for so long I must of looked happy because I had so many ppl approaching me and my looks hadn't changed I think it was just my happy demeanour so that makes sense. I will check out the secret thanks!

[boltnrun]

Because usually they are (when directed st me)

 

How do you know?

[Pleasedonot5]

How do unattractice people get dates and get people to give them a chance based past first appearances?

There are ways that you can make yourself more attractive. Get fitter, get a haircut, get a new wardrobe, find a passion our friends that help you become more confident, etcetera. You are in control of your own life.

[Pleasedonot5]

Because usually they are (when directed st me)

Could your perception possibly be wrong?

[Tuna010]

Could your perception possibly be wrong?

 

Possible but unlikely. I'm fit and take care of myself so I'm not a slob or anything I just am unusual looking for a girl to put it nicely, I think if I was a guy I would be attractive lol

[Pleasedonot5]

Possible but unlikely. I'm fit and take care of myself so I'm not a slob or anything I just am unusual looking for a girl to put it nicely, I think if I was a guy I would be attractive lol

What about your appearance do you want to improve?

[boltnrun]

I'm no beauty queen either. But I happen to think I'm intelligent, fun, funny, adventurous and a nice person who cares about others. I'm not currently dating but I have had long relationships. It is possible but you've got to remove this mindset that you're not worthy.

[Tuna010]

I'm no beauty queen either. But I happen to think I'm intelligent, fun, funny, adventurous and a nice person who cares about others. I'm not currently dating but I have had long relationships. It is possible but you've got to remove this mindset that you're not worthy.

Thanks I think I am all those things you mentioned too! I just seem to think everyone is focused on looks only so all those traits fall to the way side. I have managed to have bfs before so I guess some people do see past the exterior it just seems to be an obsession of mine, if someone doesn't like me I feel like it has to be because of my appearance. I'm not like that, I like ppl because of the inside but everyone says men are "visual creatures" so that's what worries me the most

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks I think I am all those things you mentioned too! I just seem to think everyone is focused on looks only so all those traits fall to the way side. I have managed to have bfs before so I guess some people do see past the exterior it just seems to be an obsession of mine, if someone doesn't like me I feel like it has to be because of my appearance. I'm not like that, I like ppl because of the inside but everyone says men are "visual creatures" so that's what worries me the most

 

While it's true initial attraction can be based upon what is aesthetically pleasing to our eyes, beauty does not keep anyone in a long term relationship if the insides are ugly to the core. I've known many a handsome man that have been cocky, arrogant, and women too. To many it makes the outside look not so attractive when you see who they really are.

Guys love confidence, independence, positive, and fun, along with some great sex. If you join activities where there is interaction where guys can see your personality shine through you may have some luck.

 

It bothers me that you don't think you're attractive though, because if you're not feeling confident, it will show thru.

Being happy is an attractive quality too, smiling, laughing. I've had several men talk to me when I'm being playful because it makes me approachable. Now when I'm in a mood and I have my RBF(resting bi*** face) on, I'm not approachable at all lol.

What things about yourself are you not liking? Are they things that can be changed? If you're not a makeup person, that's ok, but throwing on a little lip gloss and mascara goes a long way to make difference in your look. You say you're not a slob, so it's not your clothes. Even wearing jeans can look nice if you throw on a nice top. You have to get to what it is you're not liking, and see if it's something you can change without breaking the bank. But never forget we all have flaws, and things we don't like about ourselves, but the right person will look past all that and only see the beauty. Don't be so hard on yourself :)

[Tuna010]

While it's true initial attraction can be based upon what is aesthetically pleasing to our eyes, beauty does not keep anyone in a long term relationship if the insides are ugly to the core. I've known many a handsome man that have been cocky, arrogant, and women too. To many it makes the outside look not so attractive when you see who they really are.

Guys love confidence, independence, positive, and fun, along with some great sex. If you join activities where there is interaction where guys can see your personality shine through you may have some luck.

 

It bothers me that you don't think you're attractive though, because if you're not feeling confident, it will show thru.

Being happy is an attractive quality too, smiling, laughing. I've had several men talk to me when I'm being playful because it makes me approachable. Now when I'm in a mood and I have my RBF(resting bi*** face) on, I'm not approachable at all lol.

What things about yourself are you not liking? Are they things that can be changed? If you're not a makeup person, that's ok, but throwing on a little lip gloss and mascara goes a long way to make difference in your look. You say you're not a slob, so it's not your clothes. Even wearing jeans can look nice if you throw on a nice top. You have to get to what it is you're not liking, and see if it's something you can change without breaking the bank. But never forget we all have flaws, and things we don't like about ourselves, but the right person will look past all that and only see the beauty. Don't be so hard on yourself :)

 

Thankyou your words really made a difference to me. I just don't feel attractive compared to other girls, i have really dark bags under my eyes, my nose is big, and my cheek bones stick out weirdly and I'm really skinny. I know to the right person they could find me attractive because I am a really nice and kind person who knows how to laugh at little things but the sad part is I worry no one will go beyond my exterior to see that in me (besides friends) unfortunately the 2 guy friends that do see that and find me attractive I have no chemistry with in that way, I only see them as friends. I guess this is what I'm given I should learn to love it and if someone else doesn't well they aren't the right person for me and hope someone else can see past my physical appearance because after all it is what is on the inside that counts most.