Really struggling to move forward

[whatevs14]

I was in a relationship for 8 months that ended suddenly with no signs beforehand and I'm finding it hard to pull myself together. I never met anyone like him before and although it only was 8 months, I really thought we'd be together for life. He was my bestie, partner, everything... we're both in our mid 30s.

 

It all started when we got into an argument over something I had said over text. I didn't mean anything malicious by it, but he took it in a very negative way to the point where he thought I was questioning his integrity. English is his second language and I honestly think there was a misunderstanding, but when I mentioned that it was a misunderstanding, he thought I was shifting the blame to him rather than taking accountability for my actions. He couldn't believe that I would think something like that about him after all this time, when I DIDN'T and it was all misinterpreted! I tried explaining, apologizing, getting him to actually talk to me instead of arguing over text to no avail. Two days later, while I was still trying to sort things out with him, he said he just needed a break and disappeared. I sent a message in response that he never read... then the following day I sent another and it went unread. The next morning, there was something personal happening that I had helped him set up months before, so I asked him to at least let me know that everything worked out and he responded a few hours later to let me know it did, but then didn't continue the conversation.

 

I was losing my mind because all of this so didn't merit this reaction and this has never, ever happened before. We've always been able to communicate and discuss things and move forward. The following day, I sent a message asking if he wanted to end things. That I really wanted to work through this, but if he didn't, could he at least let me know? I'd leave him alone if that's what he wanted. He responded the following day saying that I can move on if I want, nobody's holding me back. That he doesn't want any pressure and that he asked me for space but I keep messaging him as if I never said anything. That clearly I want to move on so I should and he wishes me all the best, and that I should stop trying to put him on the spot.

 

I was upset because I had just stated otherwise. I waited a day and told him that he was so dumb! That I said I wanted to be with him and he responds by saying that I want to move on?? I told him that he said break, not space, and to me that meant a breakup. That it explains why I'd still message because I actually care. He wrote back a few hours later telling me that he was overwhelmed with some personal things. That he agrees that he was being dumb. That he meant space, not break, and that he just didn't feel like talking. And then he ended his message referencing what I had said AGAIN, that he can't believe after all this time I'd think that about him - which shows me that he was still stewing over his version of what happened and disregarding everything I said/tried to explain. That was the last time I heard from him (almost two weeks ago).

 

I responded and told him I'd give him his space. I searched online and I KNOW when someone asks for space, you give it to them and wait for them to come to you, but I felt like I didn't do anything to warrant this. I'd understand if I actually did something effed up, but I didn't! We were also always in touch throughout the day, so going from that to almost nothing and then radio silence killed me. I tried my best to give him space, but messaged him after 6 days of no contact and he didn't read the message. I messaged 2 days later and still nothing. And that's when I sent a goodbye message, waited a full day to see if he'd even read it (he didn't) and I blocked him off everything. That was on Friday. I felt like I had to do it for my own mental health... I was crying at work, on the subway, with friends - I was really driving myself crazy and I was upset that he could do this after what we had.

 

I'm so hurt and shocked. We had SO much in common - backgrounds, values, world view, humor. We had made plans for the future. I love him so much. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was the closest to it. I can't believe he could ever treat me like this. Today is 20 days since the argument, 13 days since I've heard from him and day 3 of no contact and I'm still a mess.

[DanZee]

I hate to say it, but I think he has another girlfriend or he's up to something. When guys start an argument over basically nothing, and then starts asking for "me" time and disappears, it's something like this. Where he's a foreigner, how much do you really know about him? If he was in love with you, he wouldn't be able to stay away from you for so long. So either he doesn't care about you, or he's married or a drug dealer or something.

[whatevs14]

Thanks for the response. He's definitely not married nor a drug dealer, and I know all the ins and outs of his life. He immigrated to my country years ago, but his English is pretty awesome - there's only been a few instances where there's been some misunderstandings and with my luck, this was one of them.

 

I know he has some trust issues due to previous relationships that he's had, but that never really played a major role in our relationship.

 

I also think that if he loved me he wouldn't be able to stay away like he has - I really can't believe that to be true and I guess that's why I'm sort of paralyzed.

[Wiseman2]

Even though one text would not end things this abruptly, what did the text say and how did he interpret it?

[whatevs14]

Even though one text would not end things this abruptly, what did the text say and how did he interpret it?

 

I had come up with a business idea a few weeks prior and he was really excited about it, which I LOVED. I'm not really into business stuff, so I still wanted to pursue my own career path and thought it was awesome he was more into helping with the business. I even made this clear to him and how I really thought that he'd probably handle most of the business when it's up and running. However, a lot of the times when we talked about it the business, he'd lead with "I'll do this..." or "I can get started now.." instead of "we" - yes, I think I'm a bit oversensitive, but I'm giving you context. If anything, I thought he was being overexcited which isn't a bad thing.

 

SO he had messaged me something about it and what he'd do... and I responded saying something like "why do I get the feeling that you're going to takeover?". From that point, he thought I was attacking his character, that I thought he'd use me or take advantage of me and said that nobody in his life has ever accused him of such a thing. I told him that's not what I meant and if it were the case, why would I even want to be with someone like that? Why would I even share the idea? I tried to explain that I was being oversensitive, that I'm not in a good place work-wise (which he knew) and that I was used to being overlooked or left behind. I also said sometimes people get so excited about something that they don't realize they've left someone out. I apologized so many times. The more I tried to explain, the more upset he'd get until he said he needed a break. You know the rest...

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately after 8 mos. of dating communication issues and incompatibilities like this arise. However if he wanted to stay he wouldn't have pulled the plug so suddenly.

[whatevs14]

Unfortunately after 8 mos. of dating communication issues and incompatibilities like this arise. However if he wanted to stay he wouldn't have pulled the plug so suddenly.

 

Ugh, I know you're right. It's just so hard for me to accept. We loved and supported each other in every way and this is how it ends? And without even a conversation? Was it all an act? I'm so confused.

[Wiseman2]

This was the conversation:

"why do I get the feeling that you're going to takeover?". From that point, he thought I was attacking his character, that I thought he'd use me or take advantage of me and said that nobody in his life has ever accused him of such a thing.

[thealchemist]

It seems like there are a lot of mutual issues with the relationship. Both at fault from what you have said.

 

If such a small issue caused everything to break then it really wasn't going to be able to last.

 

8 months is a very normal time to start running into compatibility issues.

[whatevs14]

This was the conversation:

 

Wow, thanks. I never saw it that way before. As much as it hurts, pointing that out was helpful.

[whatevs14]

It seems like there are a lot of mutual issues with the relationship. Both at fault from what you have said.

 

If such a small issue caused everything to break then it really wasn't going to be able to last.

 

8 months is a very normal time to start running into compatibility issues.

 

Agreed. I really thought what we had/built was so much stronger. This goes against everything I believed about us and our relationship, which makes it super hard to accept. I'm shocked at how quickly things fell apart.

[thealchemist]

Agreed. I really thought what we had/built was so much stronger. This goes against everything I believed about us and our relationship, which makes it super hard to accept. I'm shocked at how quickly things fell apart.

No matter how intense a relationship is it can crash to nothing instantly.

 

It being only 8 months old just makes it a lot more likely.

 

When it seems to be great then instantly crash into nothing something is at work behind the scenes.

 

In my experience the most common reason for that is because one or both people in the relationship were extending themselves too much to make ends meet in the relationship.

 

Faking or changing aspects of yourself to make the other happy is an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship habit.

[whatevs14]

No matter how intense a relationship is it can crash to nothing instantly.

 

It being only 8 months old just makes it a lot more likely.

 

When it seems to be great then instantly crash into nothing something is at work behind the scenes.

 

In my experience the most common reason for that is because one or both people in the relationship were extending themselves too much to make ends meet in the relationship.

 

Faking or changing aspects of yourself to make the other happy is an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship habit.

 

You're so on point! I don't think either of us were changing aspects of ourselves, but we've both been dealing with outside stressors and that's probably what brought all of this to a head.

 

I'll have to keep reminding myself that I did everything I could and can't force anyone to see things my way or to change how they feel. I'm experiencing a moment of clarity right now, but I'm sure I'll crash again soon. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

[thealchemist]

You're so on point! I don't think either of us were changing aspects of ourselves, but we've both been dealing with outside stressors and that's probably what brought all of this to a head.

 

I'll have to keep reminding myself that I did everything I could and can't force anyone to see things my way or to change how they feel. I'm experiencing a moment of clarity right now, but I'm sure I'll crash again soon. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

Well if you start to stumble again just post here more and we will try to get you going.

[whatevs14]

Mornings are the worst for me. It's like I wake up and I'm reminded that all of this actually happened and it's not just a nightmare. I really miss him. Here's to day 4 of NC.

[MissCanuck]

SO he had messaged me something about it and what he'd do... and I responded saying something like "why do I get the feeling that you're going to takeover?". From that point, he thought I was attacking his character, that I thought he'd use me or take advantage of me and said that nobody in his life has ever accused him of such a thing. I told him that's not what I meant

 

To be fair, what did you mean? It sounds more like you meant it, and then back-pedaled when he was upset by it.

 

I can see how he negatively interpreted your comment. How else was he supposed to take that?

 

I do agree that he could have chosen to talk things through, though. He didn't want to, which tells me he was likely already looking for a way out, unfortunately.

[whatevs14]

To be fair, what did you mean? It sounds more like you meant it, and then back-pedaled when he was upset by it.

 

I can see how he negatively interpreted your comment. How else was he supposed to take that?

 

I do agree that he could have chosen to talk things through, though. He didn't want to, which tells me he was likely already looking for a way out, unfortunately.

 

I recognize that's how he took it and I'm sure I could've worded it differently, but it's really not what I meant and because it bothered me, I truly thought it was something I could share since I'd always openly share anything that was on my mind with him. Honestly, I thought he'd say something like "don't be stupid, we're a team!"

 

When I first brought up the business idea, he came up with a business name that only had his name in it... we laughed at it, but I guess that planted the seed? I said I had a line of credit to get us started, but then he said he wanted to see if he could get a line of credit of his own, and I didn't really understand the need for that. A few days later, he told me he wanted to try things out right away himself, and I had replied with something like "hey, hold up - we need to do this together!" And then a week or so later, it was this... where he said HE could start doing so and so, and so then I said what I did... I only meant that I wanted us to do this together and to not get ahead of ourselves. I know he was excited and I know he didn't intentionally mean to make me feel left out the way that I did, but I still think my feelings were justified and it was something we could talk through.

 

I felt absolutely awful for hurting him and apologized for it many times over, but I've never thought he'd ever take advantage of me and trusted him more than anyone else. I regret ever having this business idea or sharing it. I'm so sad and can't stop blaming myself.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you would have made terrible business partners. You both want to be the boss. You actually do not want to be a team, you want to call all the shots and shoot down all his ideas. Also the innuendo that he was doing end runs around you and can't be trusted comes from your past disappointments. Try not to write scripts for others' responses. Speak clearly and honestly about things in a way that doesn't accuse people. Work on better communication in general as well as reflecting on your need to control everything.

 

However this exchange did reveal deeper issues of relationship and personality incompatibilities, so it's a blessing that this revealed itself after only a few months of dating.

I thought he'd say something like "don't be stupid, we're a team!" he said he wanted to see if he could get a line of credit of his own, and I didn't really understand the need for that.

[MissCanuck]

I recognize that's how he took it and I'm sure I could've worded it differently, but it's really not what I meant and because it bothered me, I truly thought it was something I could share since I'd always openly share anything that was on my mind with him. Honestly, I thought he'd say something like "don't be stupid, we're a team!"

 

So which is it? It either bothered you enough to bring it up, or you didn't mean it? You are contradicting yourself.

 

I point this out because your words don't make much sense and I think he sees that you're being inconsistent. You either felt he was attempting to take over your idea and said as much, or not. The problem is that you said this looking for a specific reaction from him, and when you didn't get it, you started backtracking and claiming you didn't mean it. He knows you meant it, OP.

 

Let this be a lesson: say what you mean, and mean what you say.

[RayRay63]

Whatevs (sounds like a Melbourne thing ;-) ) I've been lurking here picking up advice from the likes of Zorba and Surperdave - and more recent posters - but reading your story caused me to register. I'm not one to over-dramatise about song lyrics, but if you are doing some exercise (the biological effect is well enough documented that I don't need to crap on about it) & listening to music on your device, then you could do worse than get this one on there -

 

You're out of luck

And the reason that you had to care

The traffic is stuck

And you're not movin' anywhere...

 

You thought you'd found a friend

To take you out of this place

Someone you could lend a hand

In return for grace...

 

Touch me

Take me to that other place

Reach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case

 

What you don't have you don't need it now

What you don't know you can feel it somehow

What you don't have you don't need it now

Don't need it now

It was a beautiful day

 

Edit - in case not obvious - its U2's Beautiful Day

 

I think Bono's lyrics are often misunderstood as having some religious connotations, and perhaps maybe they do. What I think they (also) mean is that one day you are going to wake up after a heartbreak, and you have moved on, and can reach for someone who values you fully, unconditionally.

 

No contact is not about getting someone back - it's about moving on so you can get someone better into your life. You deserve better. Stick with NC.

[whatevs14]

Thanks Wiseman2 and MissCanuck. You both gave me points to consider and you provided perspectives that were different from those of my friends, who I think were biased because they know me so well. It hurts that it took losing this relationship to get to this point - I so wish it wasn't the case and I hope I can forgive myself one day.

[whatevs14]

Whatevs (sounds like a Melbourne thing ;-) ) I've been lurking here picking up advice from the likes of Zorba and Surperdave - and more recent posters - but reading your story caused me to register. I'm not one to over-dramatise about song lyrics, but if you are doing some exercise (the biological effect is well enough documented that I don't need to crap on about it) & listening to music on your device, then you could do worse than get this one on there -

 

You're out of luck

And the reason that you had to care

The traffic is stuck

And you're not movin' anywhere...

 

You thought you'd found a friend

To take you out of this place

Someone you could lend a hand

In return for grace...

 

Touch me

Take me to that other place

Reach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case

 

What you don't have you don't need it now

What you don't know you can feel it somehow

What you don't have you don't need it now

Don't need it now

It was a beautiful day

 

Edit - in case not obvious - its U2's Beautiful Day

 

I think Bono's lyrics are often misunderstood as having some religious connotations, and perhaps maybe they do. What I think they (also) mean is that one day you are going to wake up after a heartbreak, and you have moved on, and can reach for someone who values you fully, unconditionally.

 

No contact is not about getting someone back - it's about moving on so you can get someone better into your life. You deserve better. Stick with NC.

 

I'm touched that you registered to share what you did - thank you. I'll listen to the song through this new lens. It's really hard for me to accept this all happened and to let go, but I think I'm almost there. And I'm committed to NC. I don't think there's anything left for me to do but move on.

[RayRay63]

Mornings are the worst for me.

 

Same here.

 

*Someone* suggested to me to get up and exercise straight away, because your body produces endorphins so you start the day feeling good (or at least slightly better). It works. You still think about her/him, sure; but over a period of days (about 21 or so they say) you naturally crank up the intensity of your exercise regime. At the 3 week point you have a new habit that makes you feel good about yourself. The cravings for your old habit (the ex) start to fade.

[Morello]

Hi whatevs, hope you're feeling better every day.

 

There's one straightforward way of thinking about this: if you think the issue that led to the break up was not major enough to break but apparently your ex thinks otherwise, maybe it's because you had different views on the relationship. Perhaps you were more invested than him. Maybe his heart was not as in it as yours. Sometimes we get to attached to how WE perceive the relationship and forget about the other part. Perhaps you were a bit blind thinking he was the perfect guy for you, making it difficult to see the red flags, the incompatibilities, etc.

 

I know we get like this when we find someone who we think are a perfect match for us. Your first paragraph shows high levels of infatuation and even co-dependency. I'm only saying this because I only recently found I act in a similar way. This is probably more about you projecting your needs on him than him actually being perfect for you. If he was, you'd still be together. You think this is about what you said to him, but it's not.

 

Again, how you're feeling about the break up is more about you than about him. You became overly attached to him. You said you were together for 8 months, but I'd put my money on the fact that you probably thought he was perfect within the first 2 or 3 months. There is no such thing as a perfect partner for us or a 100% match. This is more about attachment traumas you may have had in the past than your current narrative that you lost the perfect man for you.

 

A way forward is to try to investigate yourself, do a bit of soul-searching and therapy would go a long way for you too. You need to stop obsessing over him and start thinking about what may need fixing in YOU. You'll not gonna find the answers by obsessing about him, about if you're to blame, about what was said. You'll find your answers if you start to look inside you and wonder why you may be feeling like this. Losing someone we love is hard, we all know that. But life is made of how we react to things that happen to us. We'll keep losing loved people in our lives, be it lovers dumping us, people diying, etc. This is all very hard, but we need to learn how to deal with those things in a healthier way. Everything in life is temporary. We have to accept that to heal so we're ready for our next chapter.

 

Again, I urge you to stop overthinking every little thing that may have led to the break up. This is all very recent, so it's ok to feel sad. Just accept that but don't obsess over it. A break up is usually a good chance for us to learn about ourselves and be better for the next person who comes to our life. If you make healthy changes in your life as a reaction to the break up, chances are you'll find someone even better when you're healed.

 

Love is more about our own state of mind than it is about having found a perfect match. Once you start loving yourself again, you'll see that a new love will come to your life without much effort.

 

I wish you all the best in moving forward.

[whatevs14]

Same here.

 

*Someone* suggested to me to get up and exercise straight away, because your body produces endorphins so you start the day feeling good (or at least slightly better). It works. You still think about her/him, sure; but over a period of days (about 21 or so they say) you naturally crank up the intensity of your exercise regime. At the 3 week point you have a new habit that makes you feel good about yourself. The cravings for your old habit (the ex) start to fade.

 

I used to work out first thing in the morning and that was always my favorite time of day to do it, but I can't bring myself to go to the gym at all - even though I know it would make me feel better. I'll make it my goal for this week to go at least once to get it started...