How Can I forgive when ex is still doing same behaviour. i hate him

[angel1980]

Will try keep this as short as possible.

Basically my 13 year old daugter went wild last summer.. sneaking out when I was asleep, refusing school, drugs etc. I struggled to control her as she is so strong willed and she had lost all respect. police were out a few times week.

It got to point where I was on verge of breakdown and then childrens services got involved.

because of this, they got in contact with her Dad who had not bothered since she was nearly 3. he has parental rights apparently even though he hardly bothered for the nearly 3 years he was in her life and never paid me a penny and then just dissapeared off the raidar until now.

I was with him two year and he was lovely at first but It was all a mask. he is a compulsive liar, a narcissist, an emotional bully and a theif (used to steal money off me).. but he was a massive charmer and is very skilled at what he does. I eventually moved out when he kicked me in the stomach when I was preg.

anyway so as the childrens services were contacting him, regardless of what I had told them about him, as you can imagine I was not feeling good about things.

 

He has waltzed back in putting his charm on with them and has literally lied about everything in his assessments. made his whole life out to be rosey, said all the right things, but I have read it all and it was like reading a fairytale. blamed it on me that he didnt see daughter for 10 years.

I sent him a text saying I am dissapointed that he hasnt just held his hands up and been honest with professionals in such a serious issue, he blanked it... and then when i saw him in court few days later he didnt even aknowledge me.

its like he has his foot in the door now, but has lied through his teeth and charmed them, my honesty is now being questioned and im just looking bitter... and he knows he doesnt even need to bother about me or keeping civil with me as he has wormed his way in effectivly and is trying to woo my daughter with promises of all this material stuff and is trying to push for her to go and live with his sister (who never bothered either but has cropped up acting like mother theresa and saying all this great stuff too)

I dont think I have hated anyone in my life as i do him.

 

regardless of all the lies he told me in past and the abuse, money he stole off me .. if he had come back in and been honest about everything and had noticeably changed amd grown up, I would have felt that just maybe i could forgive and forget the past, but becase he being same old ways he always was I am findin it very hard not to keep hating.

My daughter obviously wants to know him right now and is being wooed as i suspcted she would with all his lies...but I am sure at some point she will begin to notice things.

 

How the heck can I stop thinking about how much I hate him? Its eating me up.

I am concerned about what effect he may have on daughter but nothing I say to authorities makes a blind bit of difference. I have done all I can to better myself,been to counselling, a coping skills group, will be attending a group for women that have been in abusive relationships... all whilst he has charmed them so much and lied so well that they have not recommended he needs any help. its pure and utter madness how clever he has been. he needs therapy so much but theres nothing I can say or do any more as daughter wants to know him and authorities have fallen for his lies.

I cant show any anger or upset either or im just palmed off as bitter and in need of more professional help... I know I just need to somehow accept it, but its hard knowing how dishonest he has been and how little I trust him.

so my question is how do I forgive him and just accept it when I feel so much hate for him and so much worry? he has just waltzed back in all smug that he was absent all this time, treated me like utter crap, wasnt there for daughter, has lied to professionals but has somehow wriggled his way back in and got off scott free.

its on my mind from the min I wake up till when I go to sleep.

Its causing me so much upset.

and what makes me laugh is that in one breath they telling me to go to the group for women who have been in abusive relationships, yet in the next breath they have dragged one of my abusers back from the past and I just have to be fine with it.

[DanZee]

Well, it's nice you want to forgive your ex, but I don't see how you can. Have you completely lost custody of your daughter or is she still with protective services? What's the news on that front? Do you have more court appearances or assessments? What's the latest?

[SweetGirl28]

They say to forgive is to forget, but in this case you cannot forget.

You do know that there are victims advocates available in the court right? And if you go to a women's shelter they can appoint someone to go with you for moral support. They aren't allowed to discuss anything you disclose to them , but at least you won't feel so alone and you can have a bit of empowerment behind you.

Your daughter is old enough to make decisions, and the courts will listen to her. But they will also do what they feel is in her best interest for a structured environment. Unless they have damning evidence on you of being a neglectful parent, she's going to do what she wants, whether it be staying with you or his family. She needs guidance and direction desperately. Have you and she sought therapy together?

[ThatwasThen]

I think you souldn't be worried about hating your ex and concentrate on getting your daughter on the straight and narrow instead.

 

Your daughter has serious anti social behaviors going on in her life right now and that should be the main focus of you and your ex so put your hate for him aside for now and do your best to work together to get your daughter the help and recovery she needs.

 

I hope that protective services orders you all into family counselling so that you can coparent in functional, healthy manner with the focus on your daughter and her well being.

 

Put your hate to the side and concentrate on your priority which is your child... who is currently in trouble.

 

Good luck, I hope you can learn to look at the big picture here which is your child.

[abitbroken]

You clearly cannot handle your daughter by yourself, so you need all the help you can get - child services agrees. She needs serious counseling before she ends up in Juvie.

 

Honestly, if i were in your shoes, i would have put a hook latch on her door and even had a relative or friend stay with you if more eyes kept her in the house.

 

If having her dad back around distracts her or if his promises of an iPad or clothes or whatever she is promised is keeping her from running for drugs - even if its temporary - so be it - if its enough to get her off the streets.

[MissCanuck]

Don't worry about forgiving your ex. He doesn't need your forgiveness, and he certainly doesn't deserve it.

 

Focus on getting your daughter the help she clearly needs. To that end, I would look into family counseling. Having two parents who want to annihilate each other will certainly be noticed by your daughter, and it will affect her. In the face of a child custody case, you need to put your rage for him behind the well-being of your girl. That's not to say he isn't enraging nor that you don't have the right to feel the way you do. But you simply cannot let that override what's in the best interest of the daughter.

 

Is he currently in a better place to provide for her than he was in the past? I'm talking about whether he has a stable job, a more structured home environment, access to a good school for her. Do you have a good lawyer?

 

Whatever you do, do not be sending him text messages indicating how disappointed you are in him. Do not hand him more fodder that could be used against you.