Beastelstein Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 My girlfriend and I live together, we usually get along quite well but have been arguing fairly often lately. Today she wanted me to come home with a specific type of donut. I came home with four and her reaction was "? Why would get 4 of the same donut." I explained it 2 for me, 2 for her, she said I should've gotten a variety of donuts. I brought up a hypothetical where I only got her 1 donut and asked her if that would bother her less. She agreed it would so I said "fine I got you 1 and me 3". This turned into a huge argument where she was all mad claiming I was trying to "outsmart" her or "prove her wrong". I explained I just wanted to understand why she was so mad over donuts. It eventually resolved itself but she claimed I keep "provoking her" which happens fairly often when I try to disagree with her making a big deal about most things. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Obviously this is not really about the doughnuts. So what are the actual problems between you two? There is more to these arguments than the superficially petty topics couples bicker about. Has there been more tension or stress in either of your lives? Has she seemed distant or distracted? She sounds resentful of you for some reason; any idea where that's come from? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Don't bother debating everything. Pick your battles. I brought up a hypothetical where I only got her 1 donut and asked her if that would bother her less. I explained I just wanted to understand why she was so mad over donuts. Link to comment
Smoothie58 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Don't bother debating everything. Pick your battles. I agree. Sometimes, people just say what's on their mind. I think in her mind she would have gotten a variety of donuts and so she was wondering why you didn't. You were probably annoyed by it because you thought you did a nice thing by getting extra donuts. But realistically, it's much easier to say "Idk I thought this was good bc we both like this donut, next time I'll get a variety" and just move on with your life. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I agree. Sometimes, people just say what's on their mind. I think in her mind she would have gotten a variety of donuts and so she was wondering why you didn't. You were probably annoyed by it because you thought you did a nice thing by getting extra donuts. But realistically, it's much easier to say "Idk I thought this was good bc we both like this donut, next time I'll get a variety" and just move on with your life. Yes, this advice. Don't get into it with her since it's not a big deal. Also model for her where you point out positives in what she does rather than flaws/negatives - and if you have to let her know about a negative do a compliment sandwich. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher. I saw you put the sharp knives near the spoons - maybe the sharp knives can go in the knife holder? Thanks again for emptying the dishwasher -I had a long day -I'll do it next time..... (I don't mean tell her you're doing that for a reason -just do it and hopefully it will create positive energy so she'll think twice about criticizing. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I would have just taken the 3 extra and eaten them to do her the favor of sparing her the misfortune of having multiples of the same donut. I can understand an impulsive "why did you get four?" But unless she's paying my rent and being her proactive office assistant is essentially my job, no one tells me how I "should" do a favor. If you're going to do her favors in the future, I wouldn't bother going above and beyond for her sake. . Link to comment
Smoothie58 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I would have just taken the 3 extra and eaten them to do her the favor of sparing her the misfortune of having multiples of the same donut. I can understand an impulsive "why did you get four?" But unless she's paying my rent and being her proactive office assistant is essentially my job, no one tells me how I "should" do a favor. If you're going to do her favors in the future, I wouldn't bother going above and beyond for her sake. I agree with what you are saying. But from this post it sort of seems like OP is provoking the issue. I feel like it was an impulsive, "why 4 of the same? how come you didn't get a variety?" And not like she was trying to argue or complain about his "favor" I think OP was offended bc he was trying to do something nice and then started bringing up hypotheticals and almost turning it into a bigger issue then it had to be. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Without being there in person, hard to tell if she was really being argumentative or simply expressed an opinion. Regardless, the OP got defensive and actually turned it into an argument. So yeah, OP, you are provoking a petty argument and escalating what doesn't need to be escalated at all. If my SO asked the same question, my response would be a simple shrug and "because I like those". If they went on to say "you should have gotten variety", again a shrug and a "maybe next time I will". There is really nothing to argue about here. That kind of commentary wouldn't even hit my radar. If I were you, OP, I'd ask myself why it's setting you off into major defensive mode and into arguing over nothing. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I would have just taken the 3 extra and eaten them to do her the favor of sparing her the misfortune of having multiples of the same donut. I can understand an impulsive "why did you get four?" But unless she's paying my rent and being her proactive office assistant is essentially my job, no one tells me how I "should" do a favor. If you're going to do her favors in the future, I wouldn't bother going above and beyond for her sake. I agree with what you are saying. But from this post it sort of seems like OP is provoking the issue. I feel like it was an impulsive, "why 4 of the same? how come you didn't get a variety?" And not like she was trying to argue or complain about his "favor" I think OP was offended bc he was trying to do something nice and then started bringing up hypotheticals and almost turning it into a bigger issue then it had to be.Didn't seem like he was provoking at all. She asked why he got four (which I can actually relate with her a bit on... in her shoes, I'd probably get a kick out of someone bringing me four of something when I'd asked for oen), he (at least by his admission) simply explained two for him, two for her. That's when she digs up a milligram of graciousness and says, "ok, thanks for bringing them," not proceeding to tell him how he should have done the favor for her. Could be that I was raised differently, but if I ask someone to do me a solid, I take it how they give it, especially if they actually come through (as the OP did). That someone might not do something the way you feel is optimal is inherent in asking them to do you the favor. If someone's not good with that or if they're prone to verbal diarrhea rather than graciousness, it may be better they get their own doughnut. But, again, regardless of my opinion, what the OP describes is nothing I'd take any grand offense to, and, honestly, aside from maybe "I can eat yours if you don't want it," I wouldn't say anything. In the future, I'd strictly do as asked and any extra would be for my own benefit. So that's to say I think the OP is well within his right to be put off, but I also agree less is more when it comes to communication and mild issues. In such a situation, it simply is what it is. He knows this is how she reacts if he goes above and beyond in a way she doesn't like or doesn't understand, so now it's on him to adjust his expectations. Link to comment
Beastelstein Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 When she she literally said what the f*ck it was also in an angry tone. Link to comment
Beastelstein Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 Update: this morning we had an even bigger argument about some girl I was previously involved with trying to call me. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Update: this morning we had an even bigger argument about some girl I was previously involved with trying to call me. This tells me the issue isn’t the donuts but something deeper. Why was she trying to call you? Why are you even in contact with people you were involved in? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 People addicted to benzodiazepines are notoriously irritable, unstable, moody, irrational, etc. Do not engage her rage. Just use neutral ok type deescalating responses. Why take the bait and let her drag you into the fight she's looking for?When she she literally said what the f*ck it was also in an angry tone. Link to comment
Beastelstein Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 This tells me the issue isn’t the donuts but something deeper. Why was she trying to call you? Why are you even in contact with people you were involved in? I have no idea what the call was about, it was 2 days ago when I was working. I texted her "Hey dude workin I'll call you later" I forgot to call her. Anyway my gf asked to look through my phone this morning and saw the text. I was trying to explain that me and that girl having sex was a one time thing and we've only just been platonic friends since. The fight was on the scale that made it seem like I actually cheated on her. I guess any response to the phone call other than telling her to f*ck off I have a girlfriend wasn't right. She didn't understand why I'm mad about that display of jealous, controlling behavior. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 "I'll call you" with someone you had sex with and are still friends with upsetting your gf doesn't make her "controlling and jealous" . It escalates this cat and mouse game you are in. Link to comment
Beastelstein Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 "I'll call you" with someone you had sex with and are still friends with upsetting your gf doesn't make her "controlling and jealous" . It escalates this cat and mouse game you are in. Well it's certainly an issue when she's allowed to stay in contact with her ex and nothing about a missed call or my text had any indication of me cheating. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 You two sound like you have a boatload of underlying problems between the two of you. This has zero to do with baked goods. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Tell her to buy her own donuts in the future. Then she can pick her favourite ones. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I have no idea what the call was about, it was 2 days ago when I was working. I texted her "Hey dude workin I'll call you later" I forgot to call her. Anyway my gf asked to look through my phone this morning and saw the text. I was trying to explain that me and that girl having sex was a one time thing and we've only just been platonic friends since. The fight was on the scale that made it seem like I actually cheated on her. I guess any response to the phone call other than telling her to f*ck off I have a girlfriend wasn't right. She didn't understand why I'm mad about that display of jealous, controlling behavior. It’s reasonable for her to want you to not be in contact with exes She asked to look through your phone which implies there isn’t trust. There are problems here. It’s not donuts. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Perusing your past threads, it would seem that you two have too many issues. She has severe health problems, but as a result, appears to be addicted to some very hardcore prescription drugs. That would certainly be a factor in her erratic, aggressive behavior. On top of that, there are major control issues and ongoing conflict. Then you both seem to have issues with boundaries about ex's, she can be friends with hers, you can't be. Definitely, all this arguing has nothing to do with donuts. You have huge issues between you and doesn't seem like actual communication is there or maybe not even possible, so you have passive aggressive sniping and fighting over seemingly "nothing" instead. You can love someone and still realize that you are better off without them in your life. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Don't bother debating everything. Pick your battles. I agree. "? Why would get 4 of the same donut." Answer. "You're welcome." Then move on to the bedroom or bath or whatever else you would do if you lived on your own. If you stop taking the bait, potential arguments turn into one hand clapping. Link to comment
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