Double dating... help

[RKO]

Hey guys and gals, long time no speak. I’m in a much better place than I was end of the summer last year.

 

Need some advice if possible...

 

These past 3 weeks I’ve been talking to 2 separate girls online, got on great with both and have been on 2 dates with each one.

 

I was ok with dating 1 and then the other once, a little bit unsure for the 2nd date and now no idea about the 3rd

 

My issue is that I’m really enjoying speaking and seeing them both, to the point where I can’t chose which one I’d like to pursue, I could see myself dating both and I’d like to progress with both, although that’s out of the question.

 

That saying when you wait for a bus and then 2 come along at once is certainly true here.

 

Any advice would be great but please be aware I’m not the type to double date, casual sex etc.

[reinventmyself]

You are only 2 dates in. One or two more dates and the answer should become more apparent to you.

No rush. . take your time. I get it. I don't care to date more than one at a time, but this is cards you've been dealt

Consider it a quality problem :)

[SweetGirl28]

You haven't dated either enough to make a good decision.

Which are you more attracted to, and can see as long term?

Do they know you are doing this?

You need more time with each. Dates, talking, etc.

Do you need to decide right now? Many who online date know and assume there are others you talk with as well.

There's also the possibility that they are doing the same as you.

[j.man]

Date them and have fun. And, who knows, one might choose for you and decide she's not feeling the chemistry. I was always elated when I had two dates lined up that I knew I could look forward to.

[RKO]

I am genuinely looking forward to each date with both, both have qualities I look for and find attractive, both I find sexually attractive.

 

I get the point that I don’t know them yet, but I’m not sure either would presume I’m dating others, I know one deleted the app after we swapped numbers because she hated all the vulgar messages she was getting and the other one I’m not sure about. Of course they could be messaging others and doing all this too

 

Issue is they live in towns fairly close.

[Andrina]

This will be a brief window in time, because if it went past two months with each, that's the point where the next level, sex, would be expected unless a person has reasons for abstaining. If questions are asked by them, I would give a more general answer, like, its expected people on OLD will multi-date. I can assume you do and you can assume I do, but I don't think it's a good idea to discuss those details.

 

I, at times, multi-dated, but there was always one guy who stood out and I never liked any two or three equally. If I were in your shoes, I guess I'd gradually get to know what their past relationship history is like, as you might get an idea if they are the type that is capable of a long term relationship or not, etc. You could also see if the person matches your views in major ways that are important to you, and if their life goals match yours.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[j.man]

What, are they going to sniff your scent on one another as they drive past each other?

 

I mean if you really want it to be an issue, feel free to flip a coin and cancel a date.

[Batya33]

You are only 2 dates in. One or two more dates and the answer should become more apparent to you.

No rush. . take your time. I get it. I don't care to date more than one at a time, but this is cards you've been dealt

Consider it a quality problem :)

 

Agree with this!

[katrina1980]

 

My issue is that I’m really enjoying speaking and seeing them both, to the point where I can’t chose which one I’d like to pursue

 

This is precisely why I don't multi-date, don't date men who multi-date and am generally against multi-dating assuming one is ultimately seeking a committed LTR with one person.

 

If you're into casual, fine, date as many women as you like.

 

But when seeking an exclusive RL, it's very difficult to gain clarity (just as you're experiencing now) when you have a date with #1 one night (and like her), then have a date with #2 the next night (and like HER), now you're going on number 3, and if you like "her" too then you're in a real quandary!

 

I don't know what to tell, perhaps after a few more dates with each one, that clarity will come, or it could become more confusing!

 

Me? Assuming me and said guy feel a strong chemistry, we focus on only each other, perhaps it will last a week, a month who knows.

 

But having some sort of regular rotation like you're doing? I seriously wish you luck, again if your goal is an exclusive LTR.

[figureitout23]

What, are they going to sniff your scent on one another as they drive past each other?

 

I mean if you really want it to be an issue, feel free to flip a coin and cancel a date.

 

I just died laughing.

 

But I agree with this where's the crisis? Multidating isn't for me but it's sounds like you're doing it right and like others have said, it's still so early they may decide to move on. Temper your nerves, this could go so many ways, enjoy it for what it is.

 

Look man, unless youre just relishing the idea of juggling women and want to tell us about it, in which case this is probably gonna backfire, you're doing just fine. you're using multidating as a way to get to know people and find an eventual partner, you gotta have fun with it, don't overthink it, let things happen naturally, if after a while you're still in the same exact place then it's time to be concerned.

[katrina1980]

I just died laughing.

 

But I agree with this where's the crisis? Multidating isn't for me but it's sounds like you're doing it right and like others have said, it's still so early they may decide to move on. Temper your nerves, this could go so many ways, enjoy it for what it is.

 

Look man, unless youre just relishing the idea of juggling women and want to tell us about it, in which case this is probably gonna backfire, you're doing just fine. you're using multidating as a way to get to know people and find an eventual partner, you gotta have fun with it, don't overthink it, let things happen naturally, if after a while you're still in the same exact place then it's time to be concerned.

 

@ RKO, are you having sex with these different women? Kissing, "making out," "heavy petting" and/or other types of physical affection?

 

Wondering how that works.

 

@figureitout, have you changed your mind about multi-dating?

 

Recalling a post you wrote not too long ago wherein you advised a woman - who was dating a guy, they were getting on really well, planning a short trip together - to dump him after he disclosed to her that when they first started dating, he had gone out with another woman.

 

Your words were "there are plenty of men who date one at a time, this guy's a player."

 

But he had "meaningless" sex with her too, or so he told her it was meaningless, so perhaps that's the difference?

 

So again I ask RKO, you having sex with these women? What if one of them initiated? What would you do?

 

Not judging, just curious.

[figureitout23]

@ RKO, are you having sex with these different women? Kissing, "making out," "heavy petting" and/or other types of physical affection?

 

Wondering how that works.

 

@figureitout, have you changed your mind about multi-dating?

 

Recalling a post you wrote not too long ago wherein you advised a woman - who was dating a guy, they were getting on really well, planning a short trip together - to dump him after he disclosed to her that when they first started dating, he had gone out with another woman.

 

Your words were "there are plenty of men who date one at a time, this guy's a player."

 

But he had "meaningless" sex with her too, or so he told her it was meaningless, so perhaps that's the difference?

 

So again I ask RKO, you having sex with these women? What if one of them initiated? What would you do?

 

Not judging, just curious.

 

Going away with someone and most likely getting frisky vs getting to know one another over soup and salad a couple of times are on two different levels in my humble opinion.

 

That poster had already developed a false attachment in my eyes, which to me came from long periods together and possibly sexual intercourse ( wait maybe not sex, was that the one where they talked every day for 2 months?)

 

If one chooses to multidate, it should be to get to know one another, once any type of feelings are developed and you're going away together you shouldn't have a crew of men or women waiting. My personal opinion, I realize many see things differently. With that situation they were talking for a while, met up and then it was oh by the way I have a fwb, wanna go away for the weekend?

 

From my understanding this poster has only gone on 2 dates. Like I said unless he's just trying to juggle women, it is what it is. I'm not a fan of it but to each their own.

 

I really am not getting a 'Im truly torn between two women' vibe from this post. It came off to me, no offense meant to the OPer, as either extreme overthinking or more bragging than an actual issue. You know how a kid wants you to see their new shoes so they pretend to trip?

 

It sounds like he is getting to know two lovely women, who are also getting to know him. This early any of them can decide this isn't what they want to do. Heck they probably don't even know one another's last names yet.

[katrina1980]

^^The earlier poster I referred to, I didn't get the sense her guy had an FWB, it was just a one time thing when they first started dating, but respect your opinion we all interpret things differently.

 

The rest of your post, makes sense, thanks for clarifying!

[RKO]

Absolutely zero bragging at all from me here. I’ve been on this site a good few years and have always received advice (both good and bad) so wanted a view on both.

 

No offence taken, but no I’m not having sex with either, haven’t even kissed them but have flirted heavily with both and feel like I could have kissed if initiated.

 

I know it’s not a “problem” as such but it’s just a new area for me as not been in this position before and it goes against my

Morals really.

 

Not sure who asked but yes I am looking for a LTR, I’m ready to meet someone and hopefully settle down, if they are right for me of course and I for them

[Batya33]

Morals? Obviously you're entitled to your morals but when I was dating to find a husband I dated and met as many men as I could, especially in my 30s, and I did not have casual sex. The understanding was that it was no one's business who you were meeting or dating until you decided to be exclusive. There was no way I was going to forego opportunities to meet men who might be good matches based on someone I just met a handful of times - why close of options and put all your eggs in one basket so soon based on "morals" - believe me -if these women (they are not girls by the way -are you just a boy?) - are all that they are meeting and dating other people too - they're not mooning over you and waiting for your call is my best guess. They'll be fine. At some point make a decision but when you really see strong potential with one for the long term.

 

And yes I had sleepovers, etc with men I wasn't yet exclusive with (no we didn't have sex, yes that was fine for both of us and comfortable) - and until we talked about being exclusive we were free to explore other options.

 

If you weren't looking for marriage I wouldn't see it as a big deal to close off options based on "doing the right thing" -but you haven't had the easiest time finding a good match (neither did I) so I'd maximize chances not close off options.

 

Glad you are dating and back in the saddle.

[katrina1980]

RKO, agree with Batya it's not about morals, but I sense you didn't mean "morals" in the standard sense, more so it goes against your personal standards and what you're comfortable with.

 

Which is OK.

 

There are many different definitions and variations of multi-dating; when I first met my BF, I liked him but did not immediately stop dating other men. However it didn't take long for me to realize that my BF was the only man I wanted to date.

 

I recall about a week (or maybe two) after I met him having another date. I remember sitting there with this new man who was obviously trying to get to know me, and all I could think about was how I didn't want to be there and would rather be with the "other" man I had had a few dates with (my now boyfriend).

 

Was I multi-dating? I guess I was!

 

I think it was on the 4th date with my BF that we decided to be exclusive (focus on only each other). Not to be confused with commitment, that takes much longer to decide.

 

We both felt a strong attraction and connection, so there was no point to dating others, we both had dated enough people in the past to know that what we had was "special." Worth exploring further without tossing others into the equation.

 

It paid off because we've been together four months and our RL gets stronger every day.

 

I think you're doing fine. In time, a few more dates with each, clarity about your feelings will come.

 

If not and you're still not comfortable with it, then make a decision as to whom you feel would be the better fit and focus on her.

 

Make sure she feels the same cause there is nothing worse than focusing on one, only to discover they're juggling several. Well of course there are "worse" things but hopefully you get my point. lol

 

It really is a personal choice. No wrong or right.

 

Unless you're having sex with a bunch of different women, leading each of them to believe they are the only woman you're dating, which knowing you, I don't think you ever would, then you're fine.

 

I am glad you have moved on from your previous relationship, and good luck moving forward!

[RKO]

Thanks for all the advice and well wishes, it was a rocky few months last summer getting over the ex. I’m over her now but I still think back to her now and again which is natural I guess but main thing is I’m ready to meet someone now and feel better with myself and more confident.

 

As some predicted there is one that is starting to shine a little brighter now but as advised I won’t be putting all eggs into one basket. I have a date with the one that is minuetly behind (I feel such an arrogant fool talking like this ha) but I’m looking forward to seeing her though.

 

I will keep you all posted

[RKO]

Hey everyone.

 

So fridays date was good, we went for food, nice meal and then a drive around the coast where she lives.

We got on really well and I definitely find her atttactive, we ended the date with a kiss, she was a good kisser too, I really enjoyed the whole night. Now this was the girl that I thought maybe I didn’t like as much as the other.

 

I’m meeting girl 2 on Tuesday, we have been in light contact every day since our last date, but now I’m thinking I like girl 1 more... I bet after Tuesday it will have switched.

 

Girl one seems super keen, almost to the point of it being almost a bit too much, I mean I think that’s nice she’s into me, that’s what I want but I’m also wary of taking things slow, she suggested meeting up today for example, I think 1 date a week is plenty at this stage, but here’s my worry...

 

With my ex (I know, I know) after date one I was buzzing wanting to see her at any opportunity (although not telling her this) and I think we were having like 2 or 3 dates a week. Which is why I’m wary to sloooooow this right down as we possibly went too quick last time. But I haven’t got that feeling with either of them as I did with my ex. So maybe neither of them are for me.

 

Finally, it was just a dream, but I was convinced I was over my ex, as I said, sure I think about her but I’m ready to meet someone new, last night I had a dream that we got back together, 1st time in months I’ve dreamt of her, that’s really thrown me today.

[figureitout23]

Nevermind.

[Batya33]

As I just read last night-your dreams come to you -you cannot control them - no need to focus on them unless you want an easy out of the effort that dating/meeting people requires.

[RKO]

Little update, I’ve now had date 4 with girl number 1, girl number 2 has been sick past couple of weeks (genuine) but seeing her Monday.

 

I’ve had good times with girl number 1, we’ve kissed and she’s a really good kisser but I’m not getting that buzz to see her or keep in touch. When I’m with her it’s fine, I think she’s really hot but I’m still not getting that pull. She comes over very sarcastic which at 1st was funny but it’s starting to grate now in that I don’t know when she’s being serious or not.

 

She suggested next date to go to hers and she will cook for me, we’ve had some flirty chats via text and I think there is a chance we could end up having sex - as much as she turns me on I don’t really want that as I’m unsure.

 

No update on 2, chatted most days and she seems more suited to me now I think.

 

Should I end things with number 1?

[Batya33]

If after 4 dates you don't feel like you feel enough of a spark I would end things and I would not have sex with her - you wouldn't "end up" having sex -you would choose to have sex with someone you are not sure about. Have you broached the subject of her being too sarcastic - she might not realize it.

[RKO]

Yes I mentioned it in jest and she said sorry she would try and stop but it got worse if anything haha. I then told her again I found it hard to know if she was being sarcastic or truthful at times and she thought it was funny....

 

I’ve since seen the other girl and had a really nice date, I’ve decided I’d like to carry on pursuing her but other girl isn’t for me, nice, good looking but she grates on me and I don’t look forward to dates/talking to her.

 

Does she deserve a face to face chat about it after 3 dates or just a text saying thanks but no thanks

[reinventmyself]

Yes I mentioned it in jest and she said sorry she would try and stop but it got worse if anything haha. I then told her again I found it hard to know if she was being sarcastic or truthful at times and she thought it was funny....

 

I’ve since seen the other girl and had a really nice date, I’ve decided I’d like to carry on pursuing her but other girl isn’t for me, nice, good looking but she grates on me and I don’t look forward to dates/talking to her.

 

Does she deserve a face to face chat about it after 3 dates or just a text saying thanks but no thanks

Face to face might be reserved for a legitimate relationship, not for 3 dates.

Just stop initiating contact. If she persists just tell her you have met someone that you would like to pursue things exclusively with further, so you won't be able to see her any longer.

 

I've had a guy say this to me and though there was a tiny tinge of disappointment, for the most part I was happy for him and glad

he wanted to do the respectable thing by telling me now rather than later.

He had met her before me and it just progressed to a this point that he wanted to take it to another level.

 

I was also able to reconcile it as to not be about me and not take it personally.

[Batya33]

Face to face might be reserved for a legitimate relationship, not for 3 dates.

Just stop initiating contact. If she persists just tell her you have met someone that you would like to pursue things exclusively with further, so you won't be able to see her any longer.

 

I've had a guy say this to me and though there was a tiny tinge of disappointment, for the most part I was happy for him and glad

he wanted to do the respectable thing by telling me now rather than later.

He had met her before me and it just progressed to a this point that he wanted to take it to another level.

 

I was also able to reconcile it as to not be about me and not take it personally.

 

I agree with this and please don't indulge in telling her how awesome she is, etc. It's only 3 dates.