Struggling 2 months in

[James1982]

Hi thought I would post as I am really struggling

I just can’t shake these thoughts which are consuming me every minute of the day!! Even when I woke up during the night - it hits me again.

 

I’m 2 months in from my breakup from a 2 year relationship and devastated more than ever

 

We split up after my girlfriend moved out of my place after a row

 

She never messaged me again - she is the most stubborn person I have ever met.

 

I reached out after 2 weeks and took her out to a concert and had a great evening... the things she said I thought we were back on

 

The next day was also great... however the day after, I didn’t hear from her... more flaky behaviour

 

Anyway to cut a long story short, I told her I had had enough of this and was going to start dating as she was just stringing me along... I was deleting her number and it was up to her then to make contact - she never did

 

Xmas has passed, my birthday and not one message... it hurts so bad

 

I think I’m losing my mind

 

I’m just not sure how to get my head straight I’m now questioning everything I said and everything I have done - is it my fault? should I have not said this or been more like that?

 

I’m not sure if I should seek some therapy or see the doctor but I am really struggling- it’s like coming off of some drug habit

[snkv]

First and foremost, you did not share the reason for the breakup.

 

Currently recovering from a 7 year relationship breakup, followed by another 1 year dating trip that led to the new girl hooking up with an old friend.

 

It's been almost 4 months for me now, the struggle and pain are not going away, only the logical mind starts to kick in softly, allowing you to work/focus on chores etc.

 

The issue here is you being offensive to a stubborn individual, this will lead to a rut. You should have not stepped out of the no-contact period.

 

I suggest getting a GYM membership, this will fill you up a bit.

[OllieB123]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Honestly i dont think there is a right or wrong way to go about it initially.

You need to find a way to channel all your emotions and feelings into something which is going to benefit you.

My relationship ended at the start of 2018 and I got to a point where i became obsessed.

I've channeled all my emotions and feelings into working out. 6 Days a week, hard as i possibly can!

Its helped me massively. Things do get better though, I felt like I was falling into a never ending dark hole but they do get better!

Talk to family and friends, stay as positive as you can and channel your emotions correctly.

(hope any of this helps)

[Carus]

2 years is a long time and I hate to say it but although it's seems like an age, 2 months is really nothing.

 

Bonding with someone activates the same areas of the brain as hard core drugs and the withdrawals are extremely harsh. And that's what you're going through.

 

You had that glimpse that she was going to change her mind and come back. If it makes you feel even slightly better, I got dragged behind the bus like that for 5 months! It has caused me quite a bit of trauma and psychological damage.

 

You probably know the best things to do to help you overcome this and others will post suggestions too, so all I can offer you is Time and Action. Be patient with your healing. Don't listen to anyone who says "Oh just get over it" etc.

 

If it were that easy don't you think we'd all just do that..!?

 

In your situation, Google: Corey Wayne - 7 Principles and watch that vid on YouTube.

 

Stay Strong

Carus*

[James1982]

 

In your situation, Google: Corey Wayne - 7 Principles and watch that vid on YouTube.

 

Stay Strong

Carus*

 

thanks i have corey waynes videos on loop!

 

i have followed his advice and walked... not heard anything so will just keep walking

 

one quote he uses which i love is ''Rejection breeds obsession'' i think this is so true

 

My story is so messed up - would take a long time to explain everything but basically she decided to leave me and move out as her mom gave her some money to get her own apartment... and that was it - gone... didnt want to buy one with me, all about her

 

i know she is bad news but i just cant get that through to myself... and the though of her being with someonen else just drives me insane! i cant get my head right

[Makeit]

Hey James sorry to hear about this. We are all going through this same thing basically. A lot of us are men too.

 

First off dont blame yourself. It was her decision not yours. Good for you on going NC. Keep it up. I am about a month in NC and altho it seems like its not getting better think about the first few days? If youre like me you didnt eat at all those days. I am better then I was then so I know I have made some progress. I think healing over a BU isnt something u notice. It slowly slowly gets better. So slow that you dont notice it.

 

Yes it hurts knowing you can spend so much time with someone and they can just throw you away like that. Carus and I are coming off 4 and 5 year relationships. Its not easy!

 

The universe is a balance of good and bad. Its peaks and valleys. High highs like when we were happy with our exs and low lows like right now. Just know that you are in a deep low right now but the balance will bring you back up in time.

[pillowsham12]

Hey Bud,

 

All I can tell you is, let this breakup mold you into the person that you want to be and the person that you know you can be. I know that since I lost my relationship roughly the same time as you, it has motivated me to do things that I would have never have though of doing had I not gone through something as devastating as this, I have also come to realize how strong emotional we can be as a result of this. Everyday of NC, remind yourself how much self control, respect and strength that you have gained. Have pride that you are not blowing up her phone, crying your eyes out to her and begging for her to come back to you.

 

If there is any silver lining, im sure deep in her mind body and soul she has more respect for you that way. Its going to hurt and linger for a while but that just means we are humans with emotions and feelings. Some days will be great and some days will suck, you tend to only thing about the good times during these desperate times but the relationship was broken for a reason and you have to remember that. If there is any hope of going forward and reconciling in the future and I do not know the specifics of your relationship but remember that you are going to have to build something "new". Also remember and sometimes I have a hard time doing this in my own thoughts as well, she can't just forget you that easily, you guys had built a life together and that is not torn down in 2 months unless she had amnesia or is a sociopath. I am with you brother and im sure a lot of us are going through the same pain and heartache but know that our future is bright because of the emotional strength that we have shown and continue to show. If this girl does not want the great guy that you are, then there is someone else out there that will value you, love you and go to the moon and back for you.

 

Stay strong brotha!

[James1982]

thank you for your kind words, it really helps

[reinventmyself]

It helped me to read up on the `stages of grief'

It appears you've gone from denial, bargaining to acceptance.

 

The first leg of acceptance is one of the more painful stages. It's becoming clear to you that even at 2 months it is very likely over.

Let's face it, it's a harsh reality.

 

At the same time at 2 mo's you think you ought to be feeling better. But by marking milestones like you just did it's clear you've been thinking maybe

it was just a matter of time. But now you recognize that's not the case.

 

If it helps at all. . what you are feeling at this time is perfectly normal. Be kind to yourself.

Read up on what I mentioned. It's helped me when I felt like I losing it.

I could almost track my progress and it sort of made sense of the insensible.

Hang in there.

[sputnik123]

Hi James1982,

 

Very sorry you are going through this.

 

You have received excellent advice so far on here and we are all on hand to support.

 

Where you are is perfectly normal and it does get easier, I promise.

 

No contact (from both sides) is by far the best way to go from here.

 

S x

[PICCOLLO]

Sorry to hear this. So many of us have been there and know what you’re going through. Life seems to have no meaning for a while and all the things that gave you pleasure remind you of them. Its tough.

 

Allowing yourself to be upset and grieve is the key. You will heal and you will be happy again. It just takes time.

 

Do what you can to keep distracted.

[James1982]

i just cant get my head round that she hasnt once made contact... despite saying all of the things i want to hear just before i cut off... and now i question if i pushed her away!

 

whats tough is she moved into my place and now she has gone i dont want to live there - it feels horrible now, even though the house is bare and all of her stuff gone

[sputnik123]

hi James1982,

 

I feel for you, I really do.

 

It's been 4 months since my 3 year relationship ended.

 

There was barely any meaningful contact since, at all.

 

Sometimes the other person has already dealt with it and processed it in their head, leaving us feeling completly stranded.

 

Think of it this way though, unless she got back to you, saying sorry for everything and wanting to put it all right and to start afresh, what else is there really to say? Anything else is likely to bring you more pain.

 

It's good that you don't have the reminders of hers at your house now. In time, you will be able to make it feel more yours. This will also keep you occupied, with different thoughts, moving forward.

 

2 months is not long in the grand scheme of things. I am 4 months out and it still hurts, alot. I just have more ways of coping with it now.

 

We are all here for you. x

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she's been planning this a while, if she went so far as to borrow money to get her own place. If she only stayed for financial reasons, that speaks volumes. What were all the fights about?

she decided to leave me and move out as her mom gave her some money to get her own apartment.

[Everlong13]

I really, really struggled with my break up. I felt like I was never going to get past it and tried hypnotherapy (anyone who knows me would find this hilarious, I'm a very sceptical scientist) and a couple of counselling sessions.

It's been six months and I'm not 100% there but I'd say 90-95%. Time and support from my friends really helped.

[James1982]

What were all the fights about?

 

she wanted to get her own place and i said that if she went then im sure we would split up as we should move out of my place and get somewhere together - then i found out she had been buying this place the whole time without my knowledge.... other than that just general petty squabbles - like most people... 3 weeks previous she wanted a baby! lol i dont get it!!!

 

for her to leave me and not even contact me - there must be another guy in the picture!

[sputnik123]

hi James,

 

It's totally crushing isn't it buddy. When there is no contact at all, I would be astounded if no-one else in the picture.

 

Keep your thoughts on here and your head up.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Agree it seems she's been planning her departure from the relationship with family and friends for quite some time. There may be another guy, who knows. Perhaps she just wanted to leave for whatever reasons.

i found out she had been buying this place the whole time without my knowledge...for her to leave me and not even contact me - there must be another guy in the picture!

[James1982]

thanks everyone, your words really help!

 

its tough too, i dont have kids, getting older feeling more pressure, must be even worse for women!

 

im trying to keep busy but there isnt many hobbies i like to do or can think of doing

[Duzie16]

Hey man,

 

Same name as you and same age (;

 

Out of a 6 year relationship about 5 months back. Was devastating for a while. Couldn't sleep. Couldnt eat. 99% of my focus was what went wrong.

 

She ended up going back to her ex and to make things worse I helped raise her 2 kids which I grew to love very much. Im not only grieving the loss of her but them as well.

 

I keep telling myself try not to think about someone to much if they don't want you in there lives. As one poster said, if she really did she would move mountains to do it.

 

I still struggle some days BUT It does get better slowly man. I'd say around the 5 month mark things i used to do became pleasurable again. I never thought it would but time heals my man. Some longer then others is all.

 

Hang in there OP. Learn from this. 35 is young in this day and age. I had a friend who just had a kid at 46!

Take a few months. Do you. That's the most important of all!

[sputnik123]

Hey Duzie,

 

Glad to hear things are getting better man ;)

 

I too feel the pain of "losing" step-kids from your life (4 over 2 relationships for me now)..

 

Been 4 months for me.. and getting there in my own time. NC has saved me.

 

You are right about the age thing.. 35 is nothing these days!

 

S x

[Duzie16]

Hey Duzie,

 

Glad to hear things are getting better man ;)

 

I too feel the pain of "losing" step-kids from your life (4 over 2 relationships for me now)..

 

Been 4 months for me.. and getting there in my own time. NC has saved me.

 

You are right about the age thing.. 35 is nothing these days!

 

S x

 

Hey Sputnik,

 

Damn man. I can't even really imagine dating a woman with kids again just in case anything ever went wrong I wouldn't want to put myself or kids through this again.

 

Are you still in touch with the children?

 

Keep up the good work with NC brother. We will come out even stronger! We have to (:

[sputnik123]

Thanks Duzie,

 

I have seen the ex-wife's 2 kids twice recently, but before that it was over 3 years no contact at all. Was very strange.

 

Not seen my recent ex or her kids for nearly 4 months now. Her kids actually got on well with my son (but she showed little interest).

 

Yes, NC is the path to ultimate salvation! Is there any other realistic alternative? ;)

[James1982]

thanks guys

 

how do you stop your imagination running wild though? my ex has moved into her new place... all i keep thinking now is she must be having a moving in party, all her friends there and their partners and then probably my ex is with one of their boyfriends friends etc... my head is spinning i just cant shut off!!! im going insane

 

i am literally replaying our last conversation (2 months back) and questioning if i drove her away - as i said i was deleting her number and i guess id see if she wanted us to be together - and yep she never replied

 

my friend said maybe i should try and bump into her or talk to her... i just cant though but i know i cant carry on how i am im going crazy :(

[sputnik123]

Hello mate,

 

"how do you stop your imagination running wild though? my ex has moved into her new place... all i keep thinking now is she must be having a moving in party, all her friends there and their partners and then probably my ex is with one of their boyfriends friends etc... my head is spinning i just cant shut off!!! im going insane "

 

- You keep busy and do everything you can to keep her from your thoughts.. each day gets a little easier, I promise.

 

"I am literally replaying our last conversation (2 months back) and questioning if i drove her away - as i said i was deleting her number and i guess id see if she wanted us to be together - and yep she never replied "

 

- Same as me buddy.. Take the no contact as your motivation to move on from this and find better.

 

"my friend said maybe i should try and bump into her or talk to her... i just cant though but i know i cant carry on how i am im going crazy"

 

- I would urge you not to do this. She knows where you are and how to get in touch, IF she wanted to. Keep writing and journaling your thoughts, but don't contact her. It would only set you back.

 

Keep strong.