Girlfriend was kissed by an ex at new year's and I later found she had been texting him

[DancingFool]

What will your life be like without her? Happier. No, seriously. Much happier.

 

What are you clinging on to here? If she really suffers from depression, as opposed to that she is just a boring sh$tty person using depression as an excuse, then she should be getting professional help with that. Until or unless she gets that help, she isn't going to be a good partner to anyone. You can't help her, fix her or make her get help. It's a bit like dealing with an alcoholic in that they can't be helped unless they want to be helped themselves.

 

On top of that, she is absolutely still in love with her ex and would be with him if he let her.

 

On top of that, she is being shady. You were passed out drunk but she was more concerned about her ex and bringing him water and following him to his bedroom. Seems like her actions ought to tell you where her priorities and concerns are at. Not with you or your well being.

 

On top of that, she is doing the classic griping to her ex and crying on his shoulder about how unhappy she is with you.

 

Ugh.....take this one out to the curb and leave her there. This one is toxic. Have some self confidence that you can do better than this damaged chic. "Sometimes I'm satisfied" is pretty poor excuse to put up with this kind of bs.

[Hollyj]

What will your life be like without her? Happier. No, seriously. Much happier.

 

What are you clinging on to here? If she really suffers from depression, as opposed to that she is just a boring sh$tty person using depression as an excuse, then she should be getting professional help with that. Until or unless she gets that help, she isn't going to be a good partner to anyone. You can't help her, fix her or make her get help. It's a bit like dealing with an alcoholic in that they can't be helped unless they want to be helped themselves.

 

On top of that, she is absolutely still in love with her ex and would be with him if he let her.

 

On top of that, she is being shady. You were passed out drunk but she was more concerned about her ex and bringing him water and following him to his bedroom. Seems like her actions ought to tell you where her priorities and concerns are at. Not with you or your well being.

 

On top of that, she is doing the classic griping to her ex and crying on his shoulder about how unhappy she is with you.

 

Ugh.....take this one out to the curb and leave her there. This one is toxic. Have some self confidence that you can do better than this damaged chic. "Sometimes I'm satisfied" is pretty poor excuse to put up with this kind of bs.

 

Dancing has spelled it out.

 

If you are foolish enough to continue with this, then you will have no one else to blame, but yourself. She has shown you who she is.

 

I would also question what attracted you to a woman with so many issues?

[sangheli101]

What will your life be like without her? Happier. No, seriously. Much happier.

 

What are you clinging on to here? If she really suffers from depression, as opposed to that she is just a boring sh$tty person using depression as an excuse, then she should be getting professional help with that. Until or unless she gets that help, she isn't going to be a good partner to anyone. You can't help her, fix her or make her get help. It's a bit like dealing with an alcoholic in that they can't be helped unless they want to be helped themselves.

 

On top of that, she is absolutely still in love with her ex and would be with him if he let her.

 

On top of that, she is being shady. You were passed out drunk but she was more concerned about her ex and bringing him water and following him to his bedroom. Seems like her actions ought to tell you where her priorities and concerns are at. Not with you or your well being.

 

On top of that, she is doing the classic griping to her ex and crying on his shoulder about how unhappy she is with you.

 

Ugh.....take this one out to the curb and leave her there. This one is toxic. Have some self confidence that you can do better than this damaged chic. "Sometimes I'm satisfied" is pretty poor excuse to put up with this kind of bs.

 

 

She definitely suffers from depression and has been on meds in the past. When I agreed to keep seeing her she promised to get help as part of the agreement but since hasn't done, and is still off the meds. When I was passed out drunk she left me with a friend of hers, apparently she hates the sight of people throwing up and it makes her want to do the same, so she couldn't be looking after me. Which...is an awful excuse, if the situations were reversed I'd have been there no matter what.

 

The only thing is that these actions aren't regular, so I'm stuck with the idea that this was just a stupid wobble that might never happen again. It's a bit delusional, but I've been clinging on to it.

[sangheli101]

Dancing has spelled it out.

 

If you are foolish enough to continue with this, then you will have no one else to blame, but yourself. She has shown you who she is.

 

I would also question what attracted you to a woman with so many issues?

 

 

She's genuinely lovely to be around most of the time, and can be really affectionate. Until this happened, although we had issues with her depression etc, I didn't have any doubts about her love/loyalty to me as it seemed really obvious she loved me, loads of people were shocked when they heard what happened.

 

 

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the ex is currently dating her best friend, who seems to have forgiven her and him for what happened. So I've almost been feeling like maybe it's not such a big deal if she can forgive them both? But then when I write down and consider all of what she did (I haven't gone through it all, there's other bad stuff at the time, like her originally making me feel bad for 'overreacting' as she pushed him away, before I found out about the messages) and it was just awful.

 

Friends at the time were also surprised/angry at me for forgiving her, but I think I was caught up in a wave of emotion and didn't think straight, but now as time has passed I've kept thinking about it, and I feel as if to keep my self-respect I have to end it.

 

On the other hand, I've genuinely developed extremely strong feelings for this girl, we've had a very close relationship for nearly a year and I'm thinking 'should I give her just one chance?' since this is the first time anything like this has happened. But then she doesn't even seem that sympathetic, like she was for maybe a few days after it happened but since its been like nothing even happened, I feel like she thinks the whole situation is over whereas I'm thinking about it every single day.

[sangheli101]

The worst bit is not knowing if anything else did happen that night, like I've genuinely wished so bad just to see exactly what went on. I think if I knew for certain she did knock him back I could continue and forgive her for the texts, but the ex was keen for us to stay together (so obviously was happy to say she knocked him back, also looks better to his girlfriend as 'nothing else happened it was just a drunken mistake') so I can hardly trust either of them to give me the truth. They both admit to gaps in memory because they were 'drunk' yet remember other parts of the night fine as well, it's dodgy as hell.

 

I think that's going to be what makes me end it, the fact that there's no way I can trust her word on what happened that night, not after I've seen what she texted him. I just don't believe that after expressing those feelings, being piss drunk and following him in to a bedroom alone, that she ends up not kissing him back. It's just not believable.

 

He was also saying 'we're going to have sex, aren't we?' repeatedly apparently, but was 'only joking' and she jokingly said no back. She showed me the private messages they sent to each other after New Year's and it was like 'what happened last night?' then like 'nothing horrible, we didn't murder anyone haha, we kissed', then a few messages down they're remembering it and she's like 'well you tried to kiss me and I think I pushed you off' etc.

 

Going over this...jesus what am I doing still in this relationship, there's moments where I just don't even understand that myself but then I'm just terrified at the prospect of being alone when we've had such a close relationship all year. Which is stupidly cowardly of me.

[DancingFool]

.....something tells me that you were in a much better place and much happier before you met this wreck of a girl. Do yourself a favor and drop her before she totally destroys you. You want a happy healthy relationship, then gtfo out of this mess and pursue better for yourself. Honestly, raise your standards. This chic is telling you to your face that you are second best. I really don't know how you are willing to put up with that. I'd rather be single and out dating and having fun than come home to this trash.

[abitbroken]

I'd drop her like a hot rock. Emotionally entangled with ex. And the story about new year's is BS - why would she go "bring water" to her ex boyfriend? If she is paying attention to anyone, it should have been you who was passed out and she didn't show any concern about that apparently. I bet she *did* kiss him and is making up a story that she didn't. Who "follows someone to their bedroom" like that. I would not put up with that garbage.

[boltnrun]

Where was his girlfriend when your so-called girlfriend was following him to his bedroom? Wouldn't his own girlfriend be there on New Year's Eve?

[sangheli101]

Where was his girlfriend when your so-called girlfriend was following him to his bedroom? Wouldn't his own girlfriend be there on New Year's Eve?

 

She was at home, so she wasn't with him for New Year's. They were having a few issues of their own at the time I believe.

[abitbroken]

She was at home, so she wasn't with him for New Year's. They were having a few issues of their own at the time I believe.

 

The issue was probably YOUR girlfriend. Just sayin

[MissCanuck]

No, blocking and deleting him isn't enough. Why not? Because that does nothing to solve the real problem, which is that she still has feelings for this guy.

 

A drunken kiss might have been forgivable, if that's all that had happened. But it's not. You already know more happened; she revealed as much in her sentimental texts to him. Being in "a bad place" is a BS excuse, OP. No. Just no. You are the one she should be turning to in that case, not an ex. The kiss wasn't a random occurrence with a stranger at a bar, for example. It was in the context of deeper feelings and a history together, thus making it much more problematic.

 

Add to that the fact that cheaters almost never tell the full truth, and you've got yourself a big problem. I can nearly guarantee you're hearing the sanitized version of events that night.

 

You thought the relationship was close and wonderful. Clearly, more has been going on in her mind than you were aware of. Now you know you're not the only guy taking up space in her heart and mind. I am sorry, but I would not stay with her. The problem didn't begin and end with this kiss.

[Wiseman2]

Again you sound way too conditional. What you see is what you get, not an imagined improved version of the reality you see. Yes, getting passed out drunk, puking, etc is a huge turnoff and very beta male. Stop doing that and work on yourself, not her.

When I agreed to keep seeing her she promised to get help as part of the agreement but since hasn't done, and is still off the meds.

[PICCOLLO]

Game over dude.

 

She doesnt respect you.

[sangheli101]

The issue was probably YOUR girlfriend. Just sayin

 

 

Don't think so. They were having issues completely unrelated to it, and the guy's girlfriend was still close friends with mine (still is, weirdly she doesn't seem bothered..)

[sangheli101]

Again you sound way too conditional. What you see is what you get, not an imagined improved version of the reality you see. Yes, getting passed out drunk, puking, etc is a huge turnoff and very beta male. Stop doing that and work on yourself, not her.

 

 

I'm not imagining an improved version, but medication is something she needs to get on if she wants to get to a more stable mental place. She blamed what she did on the fact she was mentally ill at the time, so I said that if that's the case then she needs to be doing something about it, and she agreed at the time, but seemingly just to placate me.

 

 

I know that by getting drunk/throwing up etc I was being a complete idiot, and the night after I apologised to her a lot and promised it would never happen again. It was idiotic and very rarely happens to me. I'm still pretty ashamed of putting myself in a situation where I was totally unable to do anything about what was happening. Not saying I don't have anything to work on at all.

[sangheli101]

 

Add to that the fact that cheaters almost never tell the full truth, and you've got yourself a big problem. I can nearly guarantee you're hearing the sanitized version of events that night.

 

 

Yeah, I'm almost certain this is the case, and that's why I think I'm going to end it. I've asked for a few days to clear my head but don't see how I can get over the fact that I have to accept their word for what happened in that bedroom. There's simply no way I can trust her after I found out about all the other stuff.

 

The worst bit is that I talked to both of them about what happened and they have somewhat different recollections. Both (kind of) remember her pushing him off when he tried kissing her, but admit that the memories are very hazy and that there are gaps, which to me is just ridiculous, you would remember something like that clearly. I feel like she's probably using the 'I can't remember exactly what happened' in case he comes out with something and she can go 'I didn't remember that' etc.

[sangheli101]

What really gets to me as well is the fact we even went to that NYE party.

 

She knew she'd sent those dodgy texts to him, but still took me to the party of the guy she had basically emotionally cheated with, as if it was no big deal. Probably a good thing it happened in the end though, otherwise undoubtedly I never would have found out about the messages and would probably still oblivious now.

 

Anyway, like I said I've asked for a few days and said I'll talk to her at the weekend about how I feel things need to go. Thanks for all the advice everyone, I'm glad I posted as I felt I needed rational opinions. My own brain was basically betraying me because even when I spelled out what she had done it was constantly making excuses for her due to how I feel.

[abitbroken]

I'm not imagining an improved version, but medication is something she needs to get on if she wants to get to a more stable mental place. She blamed what she did on the fact she was mentally ill at the time, so I said that if that's the case then she needs to be doing something about it, and she agreed at the time, but seemingly just to placate me.

 

 

I know that by getting drunk/throwing up etc I was being a complete idiot, and the night after I apologised to her a lot and promised it would never happen again. It was idiotic and very rarely happens to me. I'm still pretty ashamed of putting myself in a situation where I was totally unable to do anything about what was happening. Not saying I don't have anything to work on at all.

 

if you can't handle/don't like someone when they are off their meds, you don't belong dating them. She is not someone who just simply has low energy or doesn't want to socialize when she is off her meds -- she is full fledged trainwreck. Actually, i think she probably is on her meds, but you are more concerned with making excuses for her. Just like someone who only is attracted to a woman when she is all made up and doesn't "like" her when her hair is messy or she has washed her face. When you are with someone longterm, you are going to see them with no makeup, with morning breath and off their meds.

 

Actually, there are people out there that need medication and are very dedicated to taking it because they know they need it, but she is not one of them.

 

You say that YOU apologized to her -- but what about the other way around? You shouldn't have had to "do" anything to prevent anything from happening - you should just have a girlfriend who is interested in you and not more concerned about slipped away with the dude she is still carrying on with in an affair.

 

You would make a GREAT and COVETED boyfriend to a drug addict or an alcoholic, you know? You make all sorts of excuses for your girlfriend's behavior and you even BLAME yourself. That is what a lot of people who stay with addicts are like. So wake up and leave her

[sangheli101]

if you can't handle/don't like someone when they are off their meds, you don't belong dating them. She is not someone who just simply has low energy or doesn't want to socialize when she is off her meds -- she is full fledged trainwreck. Actually, i think she probably is on her meds, but you are more concerned with making excuses for her. Just like someone who only is attracted to a woman when she is all made up and doesn't "like" her when her hair is messy or she has washed her face. When you are with someone longterm, you are going to see them with no makeup, with morning breath and off their meds.

 

Actually, there are people out there that need medication and are very dedicated to taking it because they know they need it, but she is not one of them.

 

You say that YOU apologized to her -- but what about the other way around? You shouldn't have had to "do" anything to prevent anything from happening - you should just have a girlfriend who is interested in you and not more concerned about slipped away with the dude she is still carrying on with in an affair.

 

You would make a GREAT and COVETED boyfriend to a drug addict or an alcoholic, you know? You make all sorts of excuses for your girlfriend's behavior and you even BLAME yourself. That is what a lot of people who stay with addicts are like. So wake up and leave her

 

I can handle her when she's off her meds, it's just that she blamed all of this on her poor mental health so I said if that's the case then you need to be getting on medication. She's definitely not on them, and I've seen her at her worst and still liked her so it's not like I want her to be perfect. I agree that she doesn't need the medication, I think her poor mental health probably influenced her decisions but it's absolutely no excuse, I get that. She can still function and if she was really desperate without them she would be going down to the doctor's ASAP and getting some, but she doesn't.

 

I apologised the night after - this was before I found out about the texts/the 'attempted' kiss. Had I known about those I sure as hell wouldn't have been apologising for getting drunk. I know I shouldn't have to have done anything to prevent anything, but that doesn't stop me being annoyed for putting myself in a stupid situation, that's all. As for the other way round, she apologised a lot for what has happened to be fair to her, and seemed genuinely extremely sorry for what she had done, and said that if I did break up with her she would entirely deserve it. She knows what she did was horrible/wrong, she might try and say it was influenced by her mental health but she does admit it isn't an excuse and that she just made stupid mistakes because she had doubts which she assures me she no longer has.

 

I'm not saying I will stay with her - I'm pretty sure at this point when I get back on Sunday I am going to end it - just trying to say she hasn't entirely tried to pass off responsibility, and she (seems at least) genuinely regretful about what she did. Doesn't mean I forgive her, or can forget what happened though, because I'm pretty sure I can't. Mainly because I simply can't trust her version of what went down on NYE, for all I know she did just knock him back and leave but there's simply no way I can believe her after knowing everything else she did.

 

I do make some excuses for her, but that is because despite all this we've been together a year and I have strong feelings for her, it's hard to not try and defend her.

[abitbroken]

I can handle her when she's off her meds, it's just that she blamed all of this on her poor mental health so I said if that's the case then you need to be getting on medication. She's definitely not on them, and I've seen her at her worst and still liked her so it's not like I want her to be perfect. I agree that she doesn't need the medication, I think her poor mental health probably influenced her decisions but it's absolutely no excuse, I get that. She can still function and if she was really desperate without them she would be going down to the doctor's ASAP and getting some, but she doesn't.

 

Again --- she is someone that is not handle-able off her meds. its not a measure of your skill to handle people. YOu don't want her to perfect, but you want someone who is a reasonable grownup about their choices and mental health. And she is not. She doesn't run to the pharmacy when she realizes she is out of her meds (or order way ahead of time to PREVENT anything). There are people who get 90 day supplies and refill them 2 weeks before they are up. If she does ANYTHING that she blames on her "poor mental health" she doesn't have her act together to date. I mean, its one thing if her mom dies and because she has a mental illness it sprirals her downward farther than normal grief but this is day to day life that she can't handle -- she is way too impulsive, lying and and out of control

 

She WILL NOT take care of herself. And you have to stop making excuses for her. You have strong feelings-- but your brain that's in your head has to kick on here --- unless you are cool with sharing a trainwreck with other guys