Girlfriend was kissed by an ex at new year's and I later found she had been texting him

[sangheli101]

Ok, so basically we'd been dating about a year but we spent Christmas apart. She was alone at hers and began expressing doubts about our relationship to this ex, and also expressing some feelings for him. (At one point he asked him or me and she avoided the question...) I then came down to see her (oblivious to these messages) and attended a New Year's party hosted by this ex. I got ridiculously drunk and passed out basically, and whilst I was passed out she apparently followed him up to the bedroom to 'look after him and give him water' at which point according to both of them he tried to kiss her, she turned him down and nothing else happened. I found out about this via a message I read on her phone about what happened, when I confronted her she said that she was going to tell me when we got back to Uni as she didn't want to confront it while I was trapped at hers.

 

I forgave her for the kiss, as both of them assured me it was him attempting it and she turned him down, so I trusted that. I then later found out she had been texting him expressing certain doubts, she agreed to let me look at the messages on her phone that she had sent. Like I said, it was stuff like 'can you imagine what it would have been like if we..etc, just reminiscing and doubts related to whether we were right for each other etc. It was basically an emotional betrayal, she said she'd thought about kissing him.

 

So basically, she suffers badly with mental health issues (depression) and said that when she expressed these..feelings..it was because she was at home and it brought up bad memories of her past. She was in a 'dark place' and whilst she admitted it's not an excuse she's basically saying that isn't how she really feels. But I can't understand why she wouldn't come to ME with these doubts, but instead went talking to her ex? It's humiliating..

 

She assured me many times that she does love me, that I'm all she wants etc and it seemed genuine so I was able to forgive her. But I think I was caught up in the emotion at the time, because fast forward two weeks from all this and I'm starting to wrap my head around it and I'm not sure I can get over what has happened. I can't stop thinking about whether she's being truthful, whether more happened that night etc, it's tearing me to bits. I love her but is what she did really forgivable?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your instincts seem correct. She's giving the ex the 'bf doesn't understand me lines" and seems to want to reignite things.

I can't understand why she wouldn't come to ME with these doubts, but instead went talking to her ex?

[sangheli101]

Unfortunately your instincts seem correct. She's giving the ex the 'bf doesn't understand me lines" and seems to want to reignite things.

 

He also has a girlfriend, who he has assured her (despite the drunken attempted kiss) he is in love with. I don't know whether these feelings she had were purely because of the bad place she was in, or something she's feeling all the time. If both her and the ex are to be believed she pushed him away when he tried to go for a kiss as well, but like I said I only have their word for that.

 

I told her that for the relationship to have a chance she had to cut all contact with this guy, and she did...but I feel like that was when she realised she had no chance with him as he's happy with his girlfriend.

[snkv]

No one owns anybody else.

 

This is your sense of ownership, that your relationship welds her physically to you only.

 

People are selfish beyond belief, there is zero proof that they just had a failed attempt at a kiss. If there was a place that offered privacy, believe me, they were there.

 

At the end of the day, let her do as she wants, if she is one with her best of sense, she will stay.

 

But that is seldom the reality we live in, just use this as a scar to toughen up.

[sangheli101]

No one owns anybody else.

 

This is your sense of ownership, that your relationship welds her physically to you only.

 

People are selfish beyond belief, there is zero proof that they just had a failed attempt at a kiss. If there was a place that offered privacy, believe me, they were there.

 

At the end of the day, let her do as she wants, if she is one with her best of sense, she will stay.

 

But that is seldom the reality we live in, just use this as a scar to toughen up.

 

 

What....?

 

 

We're in a monogamous relationship. We both know that, it's not about 'ownership'. I'm not just going to 'let her do what she wants' because that's not the way I want a relationship to go, I'd rather not be with her if that was the case.

[snkv]

You did not understand me, excuse me on that ownership part.

 

I meant deep down inside you, not as in, let her have as much lovers as she wants to.

 

I meant your worry about her not being faithful.

 

I meant DO NOT give her pressure, or act hurt. She will notice this.

 

There is nothing you Can do, besides let time play-out its cards.

[sangheli101]

You did not understand me, excuse me on that ownership part.

 

I meant deep down inside you, not as in, let her have as much lovers as she wants to.

 

I meant your worry about her not being faithful.

 

I meant DO NOT give her pressure, or act hurt. She will notice this.

 

There is nothing you Can do, besides let time play-out its cards.

 

 

I've tried to do that, but the fact is that I'm struggling to forget what she did and not sure if I can be with her. It's easier said than done to just forget it, those thoughts won't go away. I just don't know if it's worth trying to save the relationship, at the moment I'm hanging on to the idea that she just made bad decisions due to a dark period in her life, but I feel like I'm making excuses for her, she still had free will and she made her own decisions.

[Hollyj]

Why didn't you spend X-mas together?

 

Why were you checking her phone?

 

I think that it is horrendous that she is using her ex as her counselor!

 

She cheated on you emotionally. What happens the next time!

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps you are not ready to let go. The kiss is only part of it. Going to this ex complaining about you is not a good sign. Don't be second place because if the ex's gf dumps him she'll be running like the wind to him. Agree:

I feel like I'm making excuses for her

[sangheli101]

Why didn't you spend X-mas together?

 

Why were you checking her phone?

 

 

We've only been together a year, and both wanted to spend christmas with our respective families then see each other over New Year's.

 

 

Basically, I had been concerned about the way she had been acting around this guy for a while, and how she was talking about him sometimes. It developed in to a suspicion that she still had some feelings for him (even though she constantly assured me they were just best friends, and since what happened has said she only views him in a platonic sense now despite the messages) and I acted on it.

 

She was also acting really weird and distant after New Year's, originally I thought she was just pissed off at me for getting hammered but it seemed too much, and basically I was proven right.

[Hollyj]

No one owns anybody else.

 

This is your sense of ownership, that your relationship welds her physically to you only.

 

People are selfish beyond belief, there is zero proof that they just had a failed attempt at a kiss. If there was a place that offered privacy, believe me, they were there.

 

At the end of the day, let her do as she wants, if she is one with her best of sense, she will stay.

 

But that is seldom the reality we live in, just use this as a scar to toughen up.

 

This makes zero sense!

[snkv]

Bottom line is, if she went to her Ex, to discuss You, you are just an option that she is currently reconsidering. Personal emotions and circumstances are one thing, playing with other people is a WHOLE new game court.

 

If she really cared about you, she would have never told you about that happening. But after knowing that she talks with her ex about you as a situation... this is ridiculous.

[sangheli101]

 

I think that it is horrendous that she is using her ex as her counselor!

 

She cheated on you emotionally. What happens the next time!

 

 

To be fair, they dated a LONG time ago and not even properly, she basically had a huge crush on him for years but assured me it was over and they were just good friends now, so it kind of makes sense that she'd go to him for emotional support. To go to him confessing feelings though was utterly .

 

And yeah, that's exactly what I've been feeling. Potentially she did cheat on me physically as well, I only have their word for it and both have a reason to hide the truth. They were also very drunk and both admit to having a 'hazy' memory of what happened. All in all, not exactly reassuring.

[Hollyj]

We've only been together a year, and both wanted to spend christmas with our respective families then see each other over New Year's.

 

 

Basically, I had been concerned about the way she had been acting around this guy for a while, and how she was talking about him sometimes. It developed in to a suspicion that she still had some feelings for him (even though she constantly assured me they were just best friends, and since what happened has said she only views him in a platonic sense now despite the messages) and I acted on it.

 

She was also acting really weird and distant after New Year's, originally I thought she was just pissed off at me for getting hammered but it seemed too much, and basically I was proven right.

 

You said she spent it "alone." That is why I asked.

 

This is not platonic.

 

I think that it is horrendous that she is using her ex as her counselor!

 

She cheated on you emotionally. What happens the next time!

[Hollyj]

To be fair, they dated a LONG time ago and not even properly, she basically had a huge crush on him for years but assured me it was over and they were just good friends now, so it kind of makes sense that she'd go to him for emotional support. To go to him confessing feelings though was utterly .

 

And yeah, that's exactly what I've been feeling. Potentially she did cheat on me physically as well, I only have their word for it and both have a reason to hide the truth. They were also very drunk and both admit to having a 'hazy' memory of what happened. All in all, not exactly reassuring.

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stop making these excuses! No one should go to an ex with their relationship problems! She should have come to you. And, as you can see, they are not simply platonic! Wake up!

[sangheli101]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stop making these excuses! No one should go to an ex with their relationship problems! She should have come to you. And, as you can see, they are not simply platonic! Wake up!

 

I know..what she did was awful and I've told her that. I try and justify it but when I think rationally about it I'm just like 'why am I still with her?'

 

But is it forgivable? I kind of want to make things work..just not sure if it's even possible. I told her if anything like it happens again we are through and she agreed, but I'm not sure I can move on.

[sangheli101]

I know, but I'm still not sure whether they were just stupid doubts or a sign of something bigger.

 

I'm definitely scared of letting go, I don't know what life without her would be like.

[Hollyj]

I don't think she is finished with the bf.

[Hollyj]

I know, but I'm still not sure whether they were just stupid doubts or a sign of something bigger.

 

I'm definitely scared of letting go, I don't know what life without her would be like.

 

You had a life before her. We all survive break ups. You need to find someone who does not have so many problems, and who you can trust.

[sangheli101]

She agreed to delete/block him on social media etc, is that enough?

 

It really all hinges on whether I can believe she knocked him back when he tried it on..but I can never know for sure and after what she did how can I trust her?

[Wiseman2]

They can call message meet up etc., how so?

She agreed to delete/block him on social media etc, is that enough?

[Hollyj]

Personally, I would not accept cheating, but this is me. I would never be able to trust again.

 

You're going to continue with her. So, good luck!!!!

[sangheli101]

You had a life before her. We all survive break ups. You need to find someone who does not have so many problems, and who you can trust.

 

But sometimes I'm so content in the relationship, and there's times when I truly believe she loves me, unless she's a brilliant actress..

 

But then I think if she feels the way she says she does, she would never have risked things with those texts.

[sangheli101]

Personally, I would not accept cheating, but this is me. I would never be able to trust again.

 

You're going to continue with her. So, good luck!!!!

 

I'm not at all sure I will stay with her, at the moment it's my heart fighting my brain and it's difficult.

[sangheli101]

They can call message meet up etc., how so?

 

Yeah that's true. My brain is telling me at the moment that she's realised this guy wants to stay with his girlfriend and she's got scared of being alone.

 

Which is horrible