Dates with a Film Director

[retropessir]

Hello, I’m posting for the first time here because I cannot find a thread that narrows down on my situation. Also reading the responses on other threads has been insightful. Apologies for the length, I’d prefer to give most detail before you take the time to answer me, rather than leave people waiting for a follow up if you have further questions.

 

(A bit of background info: 27/F, divorced as of early 2016 after 6 years together. Only recently have entered dating pool in Ireland for fun after focussing on self. Safe to say I am not well versed on dating or men at this point and looking forward to your replies and/or reality checks).

 

I am Canadian living in Ireland for University and was recently visiting home for the holidays for about a month. The last thing I was expecting was to meet anyone. Out of pure boredom I decided to open my Tinder while visiting my parent’s in the boonies halfway through my visit. I ended up matching with a famous film director in his mid thirties, who seemed quite keen on me. (However, this led me to question why he would be on the app. Curiosity got the best of me and I googled him to find interviews both on TV and in newspapers. He seemed to be quite accomplished and nothing struck me as odd about him).

 

After chatting on the app, we exchanged numbers and he promptly starting to plan to see me despite his busy schedule/ 2 hour drive by car. He was initiating texts and we had been sending voice notes/innocent photos of our day coming up to NYE. He invited me to spend NYE with him in the city, but I had no transportation (also, me driving to meet an unknown man -who’s in the public eye or not- as a woman was out of the question). He said he understood the circumstances left little chance for anything real, but that he wanted to meet me nevertheless. So he made plans to drive up to see me 2 days after.

 

Unfortunately he had to bail last minute due to work. I wasn’t near my phone so realized later he called multiple times. He left a very long voice message explaining the circumstances and apologized profusely asking to reschedule and to FaceTime that day in lieu of the circumstances. I was disappointed however he said he had last minute work come up for a commercial he was shooting. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was understanding. After all, I was a complete stranger and here he had planned using what was his free day to meet me.

I ended up making other plans and said we could reschedule when he’s back from vacation. He had to leave the next day on vacation with his work friends for about a week. However he kept in contact with a message/photo once a day and we would have a short conversation. As his vacation was ending, he made concrete plans time/date/place for a new date a day after his arrival back home. During this time we had no contact until the morning he was to drive down to see me when he confirmed the time he’d be arriving. At this point, I had 4 days left in Canada.

 

When he arrived Wednesday (I chose the day), he picked me up from my grandparent’s house and we drove to a museum and went for dinner. During the date he was trying to get closer by holding my hand, sitting near me, walking with our shoulders touching. He made comments that he’s looking for a relationship and that I was “ticking off boxes consistently for him during our conversations”. He also was very adamant about seeing me again before I left Sunday. He asked to come see me again the full day Saturday but I said I would be busy with family and that I’d let him know if I could arrange to come to his city (where I’d be flying out) earlier before my departure. He was really trying to lock down a second date while we were still having dinner. After paying the museum, he offered to pay the dinner and I said no that I’d pay my half. I was hoping he would see I wasn’t after his financial status. After 6 hours in total together after dinner he asked if there was anywhere else I’d like to go. Despite having fun, I suggested he drop me off at mine since he had a 2 hour drive back to his city and work the next day. Our car ride was filled with laughing and at the end of the night we kissed goodbye, with him telling me to let him know about Sunday. I told him to message me that he got home safe, he did as well as mentioning he had a nice time. I replied saying the same.

 

On the following day, Thursday, I had not heard from him. I was unsure who’s court the ball was in so on Friday, I saw that his most recent film was on TV and sent him a photo of it joking "about the chances". Because I had promised during our date that I would watch it after we had met. This was also to get a feel if he was waiting on me to get back to him about Sunday. I also considered that he could very well be busy catching up on work since his vacation, having attended an awards ceremony the day he got back and ditching work the day after to meet me. He was a bit slow with replying and the conversation seemed different. I noticed he had changed his Tinder bio/photos. This put me a bit off because I was unsure if he was actually interested. I was trying to be understanding but if he had time to do that, I was unsure how busy he actually was. Alas, the world does not revolve around me. On Saturday I sent a simple message saying what time I’d be at the airport and left it up to him if he’d expand on that. As we had planned, he responded by saying he could pick me up, spending a couple hours together before dropping me off again.

 

On Sunday we had 3 hours to kill before I had to be back for my flight. He suggested that he brings me to his neighbourhood for lunch because it was close to the airport. When we got there, he said he could show me his house. (This to me was a bit of a red flag. I was unsure if he was innocent in wanting to invite me to see his world or if he was trying to lead me away from a proper date). We got to his, he gave me a tour and then asked if I wanted tea. We chatted while sitting on his couch and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I was in this moment worried that he was only seeking something physical from me after everything. I avoided it by conversation and how I was sitting, even though I was attracted to him.

 

(I should point out, through out my casual dating in Ireland I was used to hooking up with men and avoiding commitment). But I liked him-so far. Due to his work, realized he travels often. And that after all, I do have plans to return home after my degree soon anyhow.

 

I didn’t mind the idea of kissing but was hesitant because I didn’t want it to lead to anything further during the second meet, given where we were. I then mentioned we should leave if we want to make it to a restaurant on time. When we were at the door he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes, and we made out a bit. It was at this stage I was a bit more unsure this was the reason he wanted to show me his house. Incase he wanted to go further. I anyhow playfully stopped it and we left to grab something to eat.

 

At the restaurant, again he offered to pay but I paid my half. We went to his favourite coffee shop and he grabbed up coffees before we walked to his car. We were on the topic that both our coats were from the same brand and how both our buttons has recently broken off. We laughed at how horrible the quality was and traded buttons. We said we’d sew the other’s onto our own coat, and that he’d take a photo and send it to me. When we drove back to the airport, he brought up in conversation that I was a good kisser. This was the first time he was ever verbal about anything to do with anything physical between us. He never brought up or hinted at anything physical prior. When he dropped me off we kissed bye.

 

Since then, the contact from him has become less. This makes me feel as though his interest is elsewhere. However my one friend said that it could be because I was not talking about what the situation would be once I left. 4 days after the airport, I sent him a voice message to wish him safe travels and to let me know how his trip goes when he arrives back. He replied with a voice message back quite detailed about his flight, jet lag, commented on me and what I've been up to in Ireland, and said he'd let me know how Beijing goes.

 

He was due back on the following Tuesday, five days in Beijing. Now from Beijing to Toronto is a long flight for only 5 days, for work. So I let him be. However It was now Thursday, and I still hadn't heard from him. I really was trying to be understanding and to let him have his peace to get back in sync being back home, but then I had noticed he was tagged in a photo of him in a Jacuzzi on his phone texting. And he had been in the last days uploading photos on Instagram of his trip. The rational part of me thought that i have no place to be upset he hasn't contacted me, and the other part that had already witnessed him contacting me on a previous trip, and making an effort to see me while I was in Canada despite his schedule, didn't understand why sending a text would be difficult. I suppose it was the contrast of his actions that disappointed me. In a fit, I decided I no longer wanted to see these things because they were upsetting me, so I unmatched us on Tinder, unfollowed him on Instagram, and deleted our conversation thread/his number because I assumed he wasn't interested. In more than a week, he hadn't initiated contact once.

 

Then part of me thought to be a little more proactive in my approach rather than having a fit, and to be a bit more mature. So I sent him a message saying that I felt confused from him. But that I was going to take my space from further communication. That I didn't want to continue investing in someone when its unsure what our intentions are.He replied apologizing for being busy, that he was unsure how to proceed with out circumstances. That I'm amazing, enough that he went to crazy lengths just in order to spend a couple hours with me. But that he also knows we live on separate continents right now and he's not sure how to reconcile that. That hes unsure where where I'm at for that matter.

 

I replied with my intention that if we're on the same page, we can go with the flow, no pressure. That I had fun with him, etc, etc. That I was curious about seeing where it would lead. He said he felt the same and then he spinned the conversation to be extremely flirty. To which I responded about our make out session. He said something along the lines "We should have made better use of our time we had, and we should have definitely checked to see if your flight was delayed! I enjoy chatting with you too so I guess time just got away from us. It's too bad, I think we'd have a really hot time together."

 

Since we had not really been flirty sexually at all, I was trying to show interest in that respect. And I'm unsure if he was reciprocating, or finally telling what he felt.

 

At this point I felt like he was after all only interested in something physical. And in addition, since Beijing, his texts have been slow - hours long before a reply, sometimes up to 12- at best. I understand he's busier than most, but he's shown me that he can make time.

 

I suppose, I’m way ahead of myself. The reason this situation does not sound far fetched for me is because my ex-husband (who I’m still good friends with) met me when he was visiting Canada on vacation 2011. I moved to his country eventually. The reasons for that ending were due to cultural differences and in the end being too young for marriage & not right for each other (2016). So for me, meeting someone in a country (let alone my own) while I am on vacation doesn’t seem like an impossible feat. However I am learning from past experiences to take things slower.

 

Part of me thinks that if he is busy, I should be proactive and not let the world revolve around me. Ask if he'd like to FaceTime. Because the entire time he was the one talking about how interested he was, making the effort to see me. If theres a slight chance he thinks I’m the one that has no interest after leaving.

 

The other part thinks, if he was really interested, he would have texted to have a safe flight or ask how it was, made more effort since. He had no problem initiating conversation while I was there. So part of me thinks he is not interested and that contacting him will not change his outlook.

 

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and to everyone who takes the time to respond to this thread.

[figureitout23]

Maybe I'm just having an off day, but yet again, I don't see what the question is...

 

Are you asking if he likes you?

 

Are you asking what the chances of a serious relationship are?

 

Where we think things are headed?

 

If you should contact him?

 

If you overreacted deleting him?

[IAmFCA]

You didn't trust him, and managed the pace out of respect to your own needs. Brava.

 

You have no idea what he thinks. If you feel you are being authentic to yourself, then find something to communicate about. Lay the foundation for being able to watch him and get to know him slowly.

 

He may do any number of things, for any number of reasons. You do you.

[retropessir]

Maybe I'm just having an off day, but yet again, I don't see what the question is...

 

Are you asking if he likes you?

 

Are you asking what the chances of a serious relationship are?

 

Where we think things are headed?

 

If you should contact him?

 

If you overreacted deleting him?

 

Ah it was probably one of those things in my head that made sense, without realizing I didn't elaborate. My question is what his intentions come across as to anyone. Because to me I'm really having a hard time reading them, without full on asking. Which would be the easy thing ;) but I think it's too early to ask anything too intense. Communicating with colleagues, friends, family bluntly is definitely not a problem that I have. Not romantic partners once there is some flow. Just men I suppose in the early stages.

[figureitout23]

Ah it was probably one of those things in my head that made sense, without realizing I didn't elaborate. My question is what his intentions come across as to anyone. Because to me I'm really having a hard time reading them, without full on asking. Which would be the easy thing ;) but I think it's too early to ask anything too intense. Communicating with colleagues, friends, family bluntly is definitely not a problem that I have. Not romantic partners once there is some flow. Just men I suppose in the early stages.

 

Oh I see. It's hard to say, he seems like a nice guy from the way you describe him. You may be a bit more smitten at this point which may explain the whole deletion thing, I don't know how that looked to him. All I can suggest based on what info you've given is take things as they are, go with the flow, you're still getting to know one another and given it's going to be long distance, again, it's hard to say what he wants. You have expierience with long distance, we don't know his feelings towards it. Again relax, maybe distance yourself a little to gain some perspective about the situation.

[Lastchallenge]

This guy just wanted to pound! Had you given in I’m sure he would have moved on right away.

 

It’s a shame because he did sound genuine but I don’t buy this too busy excuse because like you said he’s been on social media so obviously he’s not that busy

[rosephase]

(I had a bad experince dating someone who was kinda famous so take this with a grain of salt)

 

How well do you know him at all? You've had one date. One date he was super super over eager for. And after that date it isn't like he's put a huge amount of effort in. He lives close to the airport. I would be worried that he is love bombing you. That you don't know him and have no idea if he is seeing other people. That it is easy to -feel- like you know him because he has a public presence. You can watch his movies and read his interviews... but how much do you actually know about him? And how much did he actually know about you when he drove way out of his way to have a date with you?

 

Famous people get away with a lot. You are smitten by the idea of him... but you don't know him. You feel like the level of affection you have for him makes since... after all you've seen his movies. But what on earth does he know about you? You feel more intimate with the guy then you actually are. I would be very cautious.

[katrina1980]

Not sure if it's just me, but does anyone else find it odd that a famous film director who is surrounded by beautiful models and actresses every day, is on Tinder scoping out women?

 

What the h*** is up with that?

 

I wouldn't trust it, or him, wouldn't matter how famous he was.

 

Spontaneously at a club, a restaurant, okay, but Tinder of all places?

 

Too weird.

[Hollyj]

"He made comments that he’s looking for a relationship and that I was “ticking off boxes consistently for him during our conversations”. PLAYER!!!!

 

Plus, he asked you to be his date for NYE. I think that that is odd. The Tinder bit is strange, too.

[retropessir]

(I had a bad experince dating someone who was kinda famous so take this with a grain of salt)

 

How well do you know him at all? You've had one date. One date he was super super over eager for. And after that date it isn't like he's put a huge amount of effort in. He lives close to the airport. I would be worried that he is love bombing you. That you don't know him and have no idea if he is seeing other people. That it is easy to -feel- like you know him because he has a public presence. You can watch his movies and read his interviews... but how much do you actually know about him? And how much did he actually know about you when he drove way out of his way to have a date with you?

 

Famous people get away with a lot. You are smitten by the idea of him... but you don't know him. You feel like the level of affection you have for him makes since... after all you've seen his movies. But what on earth does he know about you? You feel more intimate with the guy then you actually are. I would be very cautious.

 

 

Hello! After the date he had asked to come up again. That was Wednesday. On Thursday and Friday I was busy. And on Saturday was my last full day. I wanted to spend it near my family, even if we didn't necessarily have any plans. I told him this after he asked if he could come up and spend the full day with my Saturday. So Sunday before the airport was the only time I was available actually.

I agree with your point feeling like it's easier to feel like you have an idea of someone when you can see things about them online. But when you keep saying "how well do you know him? Does he know you?".. isn't that the point of dates? Of course you don't know the person. Which is the point of getting to know each other on a date. So of course we both didn't know the other. It would be the same with a man who wasn't in the entertainment industry. We both don't know each other at this stage.

What do you mean by love-bombing? I'll go google this term now :)

[retropessir]

"He made comments that he’s looking for a relationship and that I was “ticking off boxes consistently for him during our conversations”. PLAYER!!!!

 

Plus, he asked you to be his date for NYE. I think that that is odd. The Tinder bit is strange, too.

 

The Tinder is so strange. Which is why I asked him about it. His reasoning was that all his friends are in the industry and he doesn't like to date within his industry. Apparently, Tinder allows him to meet women who are far from it.

 

For NYE he already had plans in the big city. While I was at my parents house in the middle of nowhere (and they just go to bed). Because I said I wanted to find something to do, he had offered that I join him and his best girl friend at a Jazz club. After he had made a comment that he could 'fake a fever' to drive up and see me. Because his friends would think he's a complete nut to ditch them to meet a girl he met online. I'd have to agree if he did that.. then asked him specifically not to do that.

[retropessir]

Not sure if it's just me, but does anyone else find it odd that a famous film director who is surrounded by beautiful models and actresses every day, is on Tinder scoping out women?

 

What the h*** is up with that?

 

I wouldn't trust it, or him, wouldn't matter how famous he was.

 

Spontaneously at a club, a restaurant, okay, but Tinder of all places?

 

Too weird.

 

Ohhhh I thought this as well. I kept asking myself what the catch was. He doesn't have on his profile who he is. So until he discloses that it share his details, it's not noticeable (unless the girl already knows). You bet your ass I asked about this though when we met. He said that his friends are all in the industry, and therefore it's hard to meet girls outside of it. He specifically wants to meet someone outside of it. So he says!

[retropessir]

Oh I see. It's hard to say, he seems like a nice guy from the way you describe him. You may be a bit more smitten at this point which may explain the whole deletion thing, I don't know how that looked to him. All I can suggest based on what info you've given is take things as they are, go with the flow, you're still getting to know one another and given it's going to be long distance, again, it's hard to say what he wants. You have expierience with long distance, we don't know his feelings towards it. Again relax, maybe distance yourself a little to gain some perspective about the situation.

 

His ex girlfriend plays on broadway, and lives in a different country. So from what I assume, there was only time for them together when either of them visited. I am in no shape or form cut out for entertainment industry so I feel like me, being a mature student in University living abroad; that I've accidentally showed up for the wrong movie myself given this whole situation. It's all so random.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he's just looking for random hookups. Have you tried dating apps other than Tinder?

[Silverbirch]

Ohhhh I thought this as well. I kept asking myself what the catch was. He doesn't have on his profile who he is. So until he discloses that it share his details, it's not noticeable (unless the girl already knows). You bet your ass I asked about this though when we met. He said that his friends are all in the industry, and therefore it's hard to meet girls outside of it. He specifically wants to meet someone outside of it. So he says!

 

That could be true. My son is in the film industry and can't stand actresses. He is in a long-term relationship with a lovely young woman who is not in the film industry.

 

Sometimes AI do housecleaning for an awarded actor, film producer, director. He has one of his houses in the next street to me. his family have been wealthy for generations, and owned a lot of property in this region. He's 90 years old now, still drives,most ill sharp,mand he is off to Italy later in the year.

 

He told other people in the town that he just loves me going cleaning his house and likes me. Maybe they are all charming.

[retropessir]

Unfortunately it sounds like he's just looking for random hookups. Have you tried dating apps other than Tinder?

 

I'm on bumble and OkCupid but unfortunately Tinder tends to be the thing over here in Ireland. I wasn't taking the use of them so seriously when I was here in Ireland. Which is why I was even less so while I was in Canada.

[retropessir]

Update:

 

I really don't have any problem showing interest in a man if they were the initial one to pursue. I don't think its fair if the man does all the work all the time. I really think if it's somewhere along the lines of 70/30 or 80/20 in the beginning (with me being the one to initiate less), that it's okay - until things become more secure over a length of time. I understand that women don't necessarily chase and that if someone is interested in you, they will show it. On that note, I don't think that point excludes me. So I have messaged him to ask him if he'd like to FaceTime later on in the week. Because I am over analyzing the texts. He replied that he'd like that and asked for a time. I've replied a day and time, and that he's to call me then. We will see if it happens. I have put the ball out there showing that I'm interested in keeping in contact despite the distance. I believe this will show me his intent. Whether he was looking for a hook-up or not.

 

I will update here what happens either way, because I know OP's usually ghost these threads eventually.

[figureitout23]

Update:

 

I really don't have any problem showing interest in a man if they were the initial one to pursue. I don't think its fair if the man does all the work all the time. I really think if it's somewhere along the lines of 70/30 or 80/20 in the beginning (with me being the one to initiate less), that it's okay - until things become more secure over a length of time. I understand that women don't necessarily chase and that if someone is interested in you, they will show it. On that note, I don't think that point excludes me. So I have messaged him to ask him if he'd like to FaceTime later on in the week. Because I am over analyzing the texts. He replied that he'd like that and asked for a time. I've replied a day and time, and that he's to call me then. We will see if it happens. I have put the ball out there showing that I'm interested in keeping in contact despite the distance. I believe this will show me his intent. Whether he was looking for a hook-up or not.

 

I will update here what happens either way, because I know OP's usually ghost these threads eventually.

 

I don't think it's impossible that this guys legit. I mean Amy Shumer met her long term boyfriend on match.com and he was a looker. I fully believe people of all walks of life frequent those sites so I'm making no comment about that.

 

I think you're smitten and falsely attached and it's causing you to swing like a pendulum, like I mentioned in my other response. Your kneejerk reaction of deleting him, your latest message about him face timing you. You're so busy trying to make sure he's not playing you you're chasing him away, so if he wasn't he most certainly will back off now, creating a self fulfilling prophecy that will somehow turn out to be his fault

 

Chill out, date others, let what will develop develop, when he left there was no talk of exclusivity, no talk of anything really and you two only met a few times and kissed, you're trying to go from 0-100 and dismiss him if he's not on your level all because you're a bit star struck.

 

I call BS on that. Let things progress naturally, if this is too much for you walk away. Don't become a bunny boiler. I just see you teeter girl, you're teetering, don't go over the edge, I beg of you, any chance this has will be completely gone.

[Hollyj]

The Tinder is so strange. Which is why I asked him about it. His reasoning was that all his friends are in the industry and he doesn't like to date within his industry. Apparently, Tinder allows him to meet women who are far from it.

 

For NYE he already had plans in the big city. While I was at my parents house in the middle of nowhere (and they just go to bed). Because I said I wanted to find something to do, he had offered that I join him and his best girl friend at a Jazz club. After he had made a comment that he could 'fake a fever' to drive up and see me. Because his friends would think he's a complete nut to ditch them to meet a girl he met online. I'd have to agree if he did that.. then asked him specifically not to do that.

 

You were right! It also shows that he is not a good friend. Not cool.

[retropessir]

I don't think it's impossible that this guys legit. I mean Amy Shumer met her long term boyfriend on match.com and he was a looker. I fully believe people of all walks of life frequent those sites so I'm making no comment about that.

 

I think you're smitten and falsely attached and it's causing you to swing like a pendulum, like I mentioned in my other response. Your kneejerk reaction of deleting him, your latest message about him face timing you. You're so busy trying to make sure he's not playing you you're chasing him away, so if he wasn't he most certainly will back off now, creating a self fulfilling prophecy that will somehow turn out to be his fault

 

Chill out, date others, let what will develop develop, when he left there was no talk of exclusivity, no talk of anything really and you two only met a few times and kissed, you're trying to go from 0-100 and dismiss him if he's not on your level all because you're a bit star struck.

 

I call BS on that. Let things progress naturally, if this is too much for you walk away. Don't become a bunny boiler. I just see you teeter girl, you're teetering, don't go over the edge, I beg of you, any chance this has will be completely gone.

 

Very blunt but that's what I'm here for. Thanks for your input. Right, I need to back off and chill out.