Need Advice...confusing behavior

[Tryingit]

You can turn that around and decide that being respected begins and ends with yourself and I think you handled your part perfectly. Kudos.

 

I don't think he disrespected you in any way. You were a willing participant in something that was not yet defined and with someone you didn't yet know.

 

He was honest about his limitations and yes, somewhat intimidated. OK. . the timing sucked, imagining him saying all those things while crawling out of your bed. Choose to be thankful you didn't become more attached to someone so mismatched and that unavailable.

 

By being respected or respectful you flush out mismatches much sooner.

The alternative is he could have kept it to himself and carried on much longer, right?

 

Choose at look at this as a success, not a failure.

 

Next time be leery of the intensity you described. It blinds you to paying attention to important clues.

You alluded to some of them if you were to go back and reread your own previous post.

 

It's ok . .We've all done it. We'll do better next time.

I don't think you've heard the last of him bytheway.

 

I definitely agree with you. I don't think he did anything wrong nor I. I didn't feel disrespected or done wrong, and I don't think he did either. It was a very enjoyable two months and an amicable parting. Just sucks because it was awesome, but like you said, you can't go on being awesome together and just get more attached and eventually hurt much more. I think he's a good guy and he could have def dragged me along much much longer, but didn't out of "respect" (his words).

 

I'm unfortunately very drawn to the passion and charm of instantly intense relationships. It is definitely the way to my heart. But after reading the posts on here, apparently it's a red flag (?) I don't know. I've always taken the sparse and un-focused attention guy at the beginning to be too disinterested, and I lose interest in him as a result. It's all just so confusing.

[reinventmyself]

I'm unfortunately very drawn to the passion and charm of instantly intense relationships. It is definitely the way to my heart. But after reading the posts on here, apparently it's a red flag (?) I don't know. I've always taken the sparse and un-focused attention guy at the beginning to be too disinterested, and I lose interest in him as a result. It's all just so confusing.

 

I think the majority of us are drawn to the intensity. But if you go up against it enough and come out the other side empty handed or worse, you eventually learn to stop playing on the freeway and give something different a chance.

[Tryingit]

I think the majority of us are drawn to the intensity. But if you go up against it enough and come out the other side empty handed or worse, you eventually learn to stop playing on the freeway and give something different a chance.

 

Haha I like that - learn to stop playing on the freeway.

But, is it supposed to be a good sign when a guy seems lukewarm toward you in the beginning? Like what the hell? This is inspiring me to start a thread specifically about this topic lol.

[katrina1980]

Haha I like that - learn to stop playing on the freeway.

But, is it supposed to be a good sign when a guy seems lukewarm toward you in the beginning? Like what the hell? This is inspiring me to start a thread specifically about this topic lol.

 

No, ideally he should be neither lukewarm nor too enthusiastic.

 

In the early stages, there should be a balance between maintaining a healthy distance (emotionally and physically) and showing interest via consistent actions reflecting his interest.

[Tryingit]

No, ideally he should be neither lukewarm nor too enthusiastic.

 

In the early stages, there should be a balance between maintaining a healthy distance (emotionally and physically) and showing interest via consistent actions reflecting his interest.

 

OK this seems very subjective. What is a "healthy distance"? Is keeping in touch everyday/nearly every day and seeing each other for fairly elaborate/long dates 2x a week healthy? That's been my general experience with every guy who kept my attention; I don't know if that is "too enthusiastic." The guy that loses my interest is the one that waits to text for 5 days, doesn't take the time to plan thoughtful dates or doesn't make his enthusiasm/interest to me verbally clear.

[katrina1980]

OK this seems very subjective. What is a "healthy distance"? Is keeping in touch everyday/nearly every day and seeing each other for fairly elaborate/long dates 2x a week healthy? That's been my general experience with every guy who kept my attention; I don't know if that is "too enthusiastic."

 

The guy that loses my interest is the one that waits to text for 5 days, doesn't take the time to plan thoughtful dates or doesn't make his enthusiasm/interest to me verbally clear.

 

Bolded, well that IS lukewarm and yeah I would lose interest too, REAL FAST.

 

Re healthy distance, you're right it is subjective, hard to say what it IS for each person, but quite easy to say what it's NOT.

 

Lovebombing. Stay clear of men who lovebomb you. Overwhelming you with compliments, calling/texting several times a day, declaring his feelings within first few dates, planning future after only a few dates, you get the idea. Yes it IS intense, and very flattering and easy to fall into.

 

But men who come on super strong so fast typically fade out just as fast. So just be aware, that's all.

 

Texting once a day is fine, several times a day = too much imo. Two dates per week is good, I would say that is a healthy balance.

 

Just follow your intuition, if something feels off, then it probably is. Just like with this guy.

 

Personally I think he has commitment issues. Blows super hot, then cold, then hot, rinse repeat. Intense/emotional, then pulls back, rinse repeat. Classic commitment phobe behavior. Emotionally unavailable.

 

But obviously I don't know enough about him to say for sure.

[reinventmyself]

OK this seems very subjective. What is a "healthy distance"? Is keeping in touch everyday/nearly every day and seeing each other for fairly elaborate/long dates 2x a week healthy? That's been my general experience with every guy who kept my attention; I don't know if that is "too enthusiastic." The guy that loses my interest is the one that waits to text for 5 days, doesn't take the time to plan thoughtful dates or doesn't make his enthusiasm/interest to me verbally clear.

 

You just stated a vast difference. How about holding out for something in between? They are out there.

Hold out for something that has a slow but consistent progression. Anything to fast out of the gate is a definite red flag. But a man who takes you out and waits a few days to contact you is healthy. At some point there is some progression and frequency, but it's done in a an natural and comfortable way.

 

I have a history of making bad choices in men.

But it's those types we are attracted to (even if that are not healthy for us) often times trigger that chemistry.

For me now, if I feel that intense chemistry, it's not always a coincidence that the person has some unhealthy, most likely controlling traits.

We are attracted to people who bring up some unmet needs from when we were children and/or some unresolved issues we need to address.

Intense chemistry often can lead us down the wrong path and blind us to thing we otherwise should be paying attention to.

 

Your guy was without a doubt, unavailable. Do you by chance have a history of getting involved with unavailable men? Whether they are unavailable for practical reasons, such as distance, schedules or otherwise. Or emotionally unavailable such as this one?

[katrina1980]

 

We are attracted to people who bring up some unmet needs from when we were children and/or some unresolved issues we need to address.

 

Intense chemistry often can lead us down the wrong path and blind us to thing we otherwise should be paying attention to.

 

 

OMG, Amen!

[Jibralta]

But, surprise ladies, being respected works against you, and intimidates men. Yayyyyy. Am I bitter? Yes yes I am.

 

Intimidates some men.

 

Some men find strong-minded, intelligent, successful women very attractive.

 

You don't have to settle.

[IAmFCA]

I am finding it the reverse: being smart and respected is a baseline requirement for the men I have been meeting. And being respected is unrelated to sex. It is related to having self control.

 

If I just met you and have sex with you because that's what I'm about, no big deal. If I have sex with you because I want your approval, even if I don't see that connection myself, your sex partner will pick up on it. Respect declines, because you were making a trade, without being assured that you would get your side of the bargain fulfilled.

 

It really does all come back to whether we respect ourselves, not whether we have sex, or require a nice dinner date, or call him first. When our underlying motivation is to win someone else's approval, we are selling ourselves short.

[catfeeder]

I'm unfortunately very drawn to the passion and charm of instantly intense relationships. It is definitely the way to my heart. But after reading the posts on here, apparently it's a red flag (?) I don't know. I've always taken the sparse and un-focused attention guy at the beginning to be too disinterested, and I lose interest in him as a result. It's all just so confusing.

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, there's a lot of real estate between the two extremes of insta-intensity versus disinterested. Shooting for a healthy balance means you'll avoid the burnout of a superficial flame without wasting your time on zero chemistry.

 

Most people are not our match. That's not a bad thing. Just as we don't strike true simpatico with every potential friend, the ones with whom we bond well are worth the investment despite being rare. That's what makes them special. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

[Tryingit]

If I am to look for patterns, definitely have a history of being drawn to the lethal combo of intensity/chemistry plus unavailability (for any reason. Could be maturity, already taken, distance, timing, works too much, not that into me etc). I’m still drawn or attracted to the same dynamic it seems, no matter how much I’ve tried to cleanse it off myself, but I can at least control my reaction to it now & actually leave when I see he’s not all there. What’s super trippy though is that I legit cannot detect the unavailability until later on because the intensity/chemistry totally masks it and makes the person appear super ready and willing. if I can’t consciously detect it, is my subconscious attracted to it?? I’m trying everything I can here to stop making mistakes. This stuff runs so deep!

 

The last time I was drawn to a fully available (too available) person was 10 years ago & he totally suffocated and exhausted me. Maybe I’ve been reacting against that for 10 years. Also my dad is super needy and available and affectionate and my mom is always pushing him away 😨🤭😬

 

This forum is amazing by the way. Feels like therapy. Thank you guys xo

[reinventmyself]

If I am to look for patterns, definitely have a history of being drawn to the lethal combo of intensity/chemistry plus unavailability (for any reason. Could be maturity, already taken, distance, timing, works too much, not that into me etc). I’m still drawn or attracted to the same dynamic it seems, no matter how much I’ve tried to cleanse it off myself, but I can at least control my reaction to it now & actually leave when I see he’s not all there. What’s super trippy though is that I legit cannot detect the unavailability until later on because the intensity/chemistry totally masks it and makes the person appear super ready and willing. if I can’t consciously detect it, is my subconscious attracted to it?? I’m trying everything I can here to stop making mistakes. This stuff runs so deep!

 

The last time I was drawn to a fully available (too available) person was 10 years ago & he totally suffocated and exhausted me. Maybe I’ve been reacting against that for 10 years. Also my dad is super needy and available and affectionate and my mom is always pushing him away 😨🤭😬

 

This forum is amazing by the way. Feels like therapy. Thank you guys xo

 

Your attraction to unavailable men suggests you may be unavailable yourself.

Think about it. It's runs on an almost subconscious level. If you are unavailable yourself you seek men that have that guaranteed outcome.

That may explain why you find yourself left empty handed.

 

If you were truly available you would not likely have been attracted to him and vice versa

Water seeks it's own level.

 

There are a lot of articles about it. It's pretty in depth. Search for it.

[Tryingit]

Your attraction to unavailable men suggests you may be unavailable yourself.

Think about it. It's runs on an almost subconscious level. If you are unavailable yourself you seek men that have that guaranteed outcome.

That may explain why you find yourself left empty handed.

 

If you were truly available you would not likely have been attracted to him and vice versa

Water seeks it's own level.

 

There are a lot of articles about it. It's pretty in depth. Search for it.

 

Yeah I agree. I had a guy friend who would always tell me that my "conscious wants" (what I say I want - committed relationship etc) are different from my actual, true deep down wants. I am generally a non committal and freedom loving person in life. I have switched careers, locations, hairstyles, everything, a million times. I tend to like people with the same adventure-freedom energy. I have NEVER been attracted t0 the "desk job" stable type- either entrepreneurs or artists. They are way harder to lock down which is I think why this issue keeps reoccuring, and I probably like the distance.

 

BUT a lot of these same butterfly types from my past do end up settling down...just not with me. Soo I have tended to take it personally and think I did something wrong.

[Batya33]

So do you do all that switching because you love adventure or is there another reason - because if there are other reasons you might actually not click with people who switch a lot from a sense of adventure. And does it really feel "free" to switch that often - question that too. For example I feel freer being married because when I was single I felt restricted in using my limited free time to meet a potential husband. Might you also be unfairly categorizing/labeling people at a desk job for lacking a sense of adventure? How do you know? I dated someone for 7 years on and off who worked in an office but his hobby which he spent many hours on and traveled for even was extremely artistic and creative. Do you give people enough of a chance?

[imthinking]

He sounds slightly self-absorbed and narcissistic to me. His speech about not wanting to commit to a relationship is possibly more likely him wanting to appear special and damaged to you, to increase his own sense of mystic. If you couple that with his increased interest in you, I would say that he is just as into you as ever. Perhaps even more so because that episode made him feel good - therefore perhaps you made him feel good by participating as his audience. But, personally I would be careful, because it also sounds like he may be feeling in complete control and does not feel the need to maximise his potential availability to you.