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Boyfriend using grief as an excuse for his anger problems


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I was bickering with him but all of a sudden he picked something up threw it and kicked the chair. I got scared ; he's done this 3/4 times in the past. We have been together for 5 years. When he did it I was shocked because I never expect his sudden outbursts I find it difficult to tell when they will happen. Now I'm afraid to say things in case I trigger it again. He lost his nan to cancer over 2 months ago - he blames his suppressed anger on grief. I am not convinced because he has done, although rare things of similar nature before. I feel isolated and need advise please help

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I have a partner who would act out in rage... never at me, always punched a wall. At some point I told him that I wasn't okay with him acting this way. That if he was violent around me out of anger I couldn't be around him. He's never done it again. I get why it's scary. How is the rest of your relationship? Is he working on his anger? Why do you feel isolated?

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Anger is a part of the grieving process according to the Five Stages of Grief but that doesn't mean he should be taking it out on you. You need to make it clear to him that he doesn't get to do that and if he does it again you're not going to stick around for him to do it again unless he gets professional advise to help him curtail the outbursts. Its a red flag that he needs to talk to someone who can teach him how to properly communicate without using violence of any kind.

 

You say you were bickering. Do you guys bicker often?

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What was the bickering over? He gave no indication he didn't want to continue the argument?

 

I won't be the person to defend impulsive physical outlets as a coping mechanism for grief. Best I can do is relate to what state I'd be in if I lost my abuela, and express that I'd really hope my lady kept bickering and arguing to a very strictly "as needed" basis, and to really pick up on when I'm done with the topic before insisting on keeping it up.

 

But, admittedly, I have no idea if that's remotely the case for you. Maybe he was the one to start an argument over how you put away the cups.

 

Regardless, you should definitely assert your physical safety and boundaries by not tolerating flying household projectiles while still being honest with yourself about whether an argument needs to be stated or continued while your boyfriend isn't in an emotionally stable way.

 

If, however, he's full on starting these fights simply to escalate them like this, I'd sincerely suggest staying away altogether.

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