Sabrina918 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 My ex and I broke up and not on great terms. He wanted a break, claimed he has no time to date others, started dating and I later learned there were lots of manipulations and distortions in his stories throughout the relationship. He was a charmer and sweet talker and knew exactly what to say at good times, and knew how to nail my personal insecurities in less than 10 seconds. (I lost 80 lbs in high school now weighing 110 and am 5'5 so weight is an issue for me, I have stretch marks, I'm not perfect). In the 8 months of dating one of the meanest things he said was "I've dated pretty girls and models and now I know it's really what's on the inside that Mathews. It's the connection. Looks don't matter" He treated me poorly at the end, projected, blamed me and my lack of communication for all our problems though he slept in the same bed as his female surgical partner, made me feel insecure, all leading my auto immune disease to suddenly flare up ( even my 4 years of dental school and boards never gave me such stress) and to lose 15 pounds. But still, when friends speak poorly of him I defend him... I only think of the good.... why is that? Why am I not properly facing reality?? Link to comment
DanZee Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 No, you haven't come to grips with the reality of the situation. You should be incredibly angry at him. You're actually not really feeling love for him, it's more that he inflicted emotional abuse on you so you would be emotionally dependent on him. He trained you like a dog. You're still not healed. The break up wasn't your fault and you have to stop believing that. You should be glad you're away from him. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Sounds like you're in denial, don't want to face reality and having a hard time accepting what he did and his behaviour. Acceptance eventually brings peace. Link to comment
Sabrina918 Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 No, you haven't come to grips with the reality of the situation. You should be incredibly angry at him. You're actually not really feeling love for him, it's more that he inflicted emotional abuse on you so you would be emotionally dependent on him. He trained you like a dog. You're still not healed. The break up wasn't your fault and you have to stop believing that. You should be glad you're away from him. Wow, so very true. I suffered from emotional and verbal abuse enough to completely ignore him and block him (with the exception of asking for my things back) but yes, I'm in denial. I know he's horrible, I just don't wanna believe he was that bad to me all along and I turned a blind eye. I'm still healing, still cry at the thought of a lot he put me through like calling me plumpy or the biggest girl he's dated, or a disaster because I didn't feel comfortable wearing thongs all the time. I know I'm lucky, I just can't stop replaying the highlight reel. Pathetic for a 28 year old, I know. Link to comment
wgmitch Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I'm sorry you were treated this way and are feeling bad. It seems like he has done you a favor, although you don't see it right now. I recommend reading your own post above as much as possible to get it clear in your head what he did and to stop you from dwelling on any good. It sounds like you are an amazing person with great drive for personal improvement as well as professional growth. There is someone one out there much, much better suited for you just waiting for you. Go No Contact with him and continue to work on yourself. Mitch Link to comment
Liraele Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 There's no need to badmouth your ex, even if they were a terrible person to you. It's one less thing you have to look back on with regret later. You don't need to defend them, either... but you CAN ask people to stop bringing them up to you. Definitely distancing yourself from this person (in all ways possible) seems like a good and healthy thing for you to do, and asking people not to bring him up unnecessarily is a reasonable boundary. Next time his name comes up just be like "Eh, I'd rather not talk about xxx if you don't mind." and change the subject. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Honestly? Habit. You've been defending him in your mind and making excuses for his bs throughout your entire relationship, whether you are consciously aware of it or not and you continue to do it now. As for why, the unpleasant reality is that your own insecurities were driving you through this. The times he told you what you wanted to hear so desperately were enough for you to put up with insults and abuse the rest of the time. It's why you are having a hard time accepting reality and letting go of this ahole even now. You still want to believe his bs because it makes you feel good. So you need to work on your insecurities and self esteem.....a lot more.....so you don't fall for these types of creeps over and over again. They prey on women like you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 When you confide in friends about a breakup they will typically "side" with you stating the other person is a jerk, moron,etc. However you loved him and don't want to believe you were blinded or made the bad decision to date this "jerk", you portrayed to your friends.But still, when friends speak poorly of him I defend him... I only think of the good.... why is that? Link to comment
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