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Should I take him back?

Sweet Sue

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I posted an earlier thread in Oct, when my boyfriend broke up with me to be with another woman.

Almost two months later, I received a text message from a woman that I did not know, and the message read, "'Be glad you are not with "Joe". "He cheated

on both of us." I texted back, asking her who she was and she replied that she was the girl that "Joe" has been dating. After a few brief text messages, we agreed

to talk on the phone. What I would learn from her would shock me. She told me that she and "Joe" have known each other for years and that they dated for a solid year from Dec 2015-Dec 2016. She broke up with him because he was getting too serious and she wasn't ready to settle down. (We are all in our early 60's).

"Joe contacted me, via facebook in Dec 2016 and we chatted for two months before our first date. He told me he was new to the dating world since he lost his wife to cancer in 2013. He told me that he only dated one other person, but for only two months, but broke up with her because she was bipolar.

We had our first date in early March 2017. We immediately began dating and discussed with each other after two months to be mutually exclusive. He took me out every Friday night, rarely on Saturday nights, and I saw him anywhere from 2-4 times a week. Things were great and he treated me with respect and was extremely understanding about my health issues. He met my family members and all of them liked him. He spoke of his sons, (they still live with him) and we live in the same town just 20 minutes away. However, as time went on, I was never introduced to his adult sons, and I was never invited to his house. It was my mistake for not asking questions. We talked about a future together and he seemed to really be into me. In fact, he would often tell me that he didn't see me often enough.

So, it was a shock to me when I got a phone call in early Oct, that he was breaking up with me. He told me that he wanted to be with someone with whom he was once very close, then added..."I don't know if you are ever going to get well. and I don't think I can afford you!" I was deeply hurt and in disbelief. Anyhow, I moved on with my life, never expecting to ever hear from him again. Now, that brings me back to the text message I received from "Diane". She proceeded to tell me that she just found out that "Joe" was seeing both of us at the same time, and yes, in an intimate way. She sent me proof via text messages that she screen shot to me which provided the date and time and his name appeared at the top of the text. So, I shocked to learn that I had been dating a cheater. Later that night, "Joe" reached out to me. I pretended that I didn't know anything. I accepted a date with him two weeks later and brought him over and began asking questions about what happened...who broke up with who.....and why are you here. All I heard were lies! Then I said, to him, "who's Diane????" He calmly told me that she was the girl he left me for but he found out she was bipolar. "Diane" told me that SHE broke up with him when he wanted to take his phone to the bathroom and she was suspicious. That's when she found text messages between me and "Joe" as well as another woman. I told "Joe" that I know everything and that "Diane and I have been talking and I have text messages to prove you had a relationship with her the same time you were seeing me. It also explains why I never met your sons or was invited to your home because "Diane" told me that she was cooking dinner for you on Saturdays or you had her over to your house."

He told me that she was crazy and to not believe anything she said. He also believes that she altered the text messages!!! I looked into that and learned that it is very difficult to do and requires a special app. Long story short, he wants me back. I told him in no uncertain terms I have zero tolerance for cheaters. I also told him that I was deeply hurt when he broke up with me and I have moved on, even though I still feel love for him. But I have trust issues. He is asking for forgiveness, which I have given to him, and asking for a second chance. "Diane" told me that he recently texted her with a message to mind her own business and get professional help. Nothing about altering text messages! In fact, when I asked him if he wanted to see the 9 text messages between them in Aug and Sept, when we were still together, he said no. That raised my suspicion. But later on, I brought my phone out and made him read all of them. He offered a weak explanation and told me that they were just friends, but later other text messages revealed a more intimate relationship. This makes me sick and furious! I would love to hear your thoughts about this. Give him a second chance or kick him to the curb! Thanks everyone!

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Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. If you get back with him, chances are that he will drop you again or try to keep you on the side once he finds someone he thinks he "can afford" better. It sounds like this is a man who has no qualms lying without batting an eyelash, always looking for a "healthier" model. It sounds like he treats women like horses, trying to "upgrade" behind their back. At 60 something he is not going to change. Unless you are ok with being lied to and cheated on/ discarded again once he finds someone he thinks is "better", imo you would be better off declining his advances and cutting him out of your life forever. You now know what he is capable of. Your choice.

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Absolutely not. He is not forthcoming about his relationships with others, so he is likely hiding things and certainly the type of person who could cheat and cover it up. He has had ample opportunity to come clean and explain the whole situation before you yourself had to bring up that conversation. If he valued you and wanted your trust, he should have come clean immediately without your probing. It doesn't sound as though his explanations are good enough to warrant vesting further trust in him


Save yourself the heartache and dump him. Or simply stop communicating with him and block his number. He sounds like a bit of a narcissist himself and could afford to be put in his place. Stand up for yourself

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Sorry to hear this. Was he referring to you as the bipolar one he dated? Don't be a backup plan.

What I would learn from her would shock me."Joe contacted me, via facebook in Dec 2016 and we chatted for two months before our first date. He told me he was new to the dating world since he lost his wife to cancer in 2013. He told me that he only dated one other person, but for only two months, but broke up with her because she was bipolar."
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This sounds like high school drama, not the behavior of adults in their 60's!

No, you should not take him back, because he's only trying to be with you until the next woman

comes along. Nothing will change from previous, you still need medical treatment which he claimed

he can't afford.


Why would you settle for a cheater, especially one that you have solid evidence on?

Don't settle for anyone just because you are feeling lonely or insecure. You are better off alone

than to be with a liar, a cheat, and an obviously selfish man who only considers his feelings.

And beware of men who paint their exes to be crazy. Is she? Doubtful. She's angry though,

and rightfully so. This man is no prize to behold.


What happened to the other guy you were meeting up with a little while back,

that was from out of town?

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Wiseman2..........no, he was referring to his former girlfriend. I have not met her in person, so I don't know her medical history. On the phone, she sounded

like someone who was hurt and shock by all of this. She told me she would never take him back again, it was over, she blocked his number and unfriended him

on fb, and also joined eH.


SweetGirl28...........yes, I have the evidence. I showed him the 9 text messages that clearly show there was a relationship going on there while we were

still dating. In fact, in a few of them, she is asking him if he saw me last night and he tells her that he was, but he is keeping thing casual and only until

he takes me to my last dr appt, then he will break up with me. So, he lied to HER about our relationship and continues to deny everything, even when confronted

with the evidence. I told him that the text messages are as good as a fingerprint at a crime scene. I think he is delusional and doesn't want me back for the right

reasons. I think he needs a wife to cook for him because he loves to eat and doesn't like to cook. What he did was wrong on so many levels. And eveyone who is

close to me...family and friends, know about him and what he did and would not be welcomed. If I took him back, I think they would believe I have gone bonkers!

The guy from out of town, if it's the one I am thinking of........never showed up. I met him on eH and we planned a date, but I never heard from him again. So I have

moved on.

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The irony is that the reasons he gave me on the phone were, "well, I don't know if you will ever get better", I don't think I can afford you", and "spending $50 on dinner every Fri

night is a bit much"......mind you, he planned the date and told me where we would eat or ask me to pick a place for dinner. He could have cooked for me sometimes like I cooked for him sometimes. However, after the breakup and he is at my house I asked him what he wanted from me? He said he wanted to get back with me because he made a mistake.

I reminded him of the reasons he gave me for the breakup.......I was still sick, and he probably couldn't afford me and if you have a problem spending $50 on dinner, I don't mind eating at your home and letting you cook for me, but that was never an option! Then, just a week ago he said, " I could take care of you." What about the comment you made about not being able to afford me? He said, " I could figure out a way".....I told him, that you left me for someone else and that really hurt. You didn't have the balls to talk to me about any concerns you had with me.....you just left! Then when she saw your phone messages and read our conversations, realizing you were seeing both of us at the same time, she kicked you to the curb! You had your chance and you blew it! Move on, because I have.......and I added, try to set a good example for your sons.

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  • 5 months later...

Cheating in of itself is never ok. But someone who maintains a indiscreet relationship for that long is a special breed.


It's not a one time mistake. It is a conscious daily choice to be dishonest. For a year, no less!


It's not a mistake, it's a life style.


It involves planning, and willfully hiding another life from their partner.

There is no coming back from that. . .imo

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