Unrequited soulmates

[Puella85]

I met my soulmate when I was 26 and 6 years on I still think about him daily and miss him so agonisingly.

 

The trouble is when I met my SM I already had a boyfriend that I’d been with for 4 years. I’d been experiencing some problems with that relationship for sometime before I met SM that were mainly down to our age and learning to live together. Almost 10 years on I’m still with my boyfriend a lot has changed in those years he’s a lovely man and looks after me and our two children really well. Things would be so much simpler if I hadn’t met SM.

 

Going back to the beginning when I met SM he was was friends with my boyfriend at the time. My BF suggested inviting him to a party we were hosting and when he first spoke of SM I can’t explain it but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to meet him there was this feeling of familiarity and excitement which I’ve never experienced before with a stranger.

 

When I finally met SM we instantly clicked. I’m not one to believe in love at first sight but this sure made me question everything I thought I knew about love. In the beginning it started out as harmless flirting then as we started hanging out more we became best friends. I’m quite an insecure person and keep my feelings/ thoughts generally to myself but SM had this way of opening me up as he said I did for him too. We would be able to look at eachother and just somehow know what the other was thinking. Seeing SM in a group situation soon became not enough I needed us to spend time alone. Innocently arranging a trip to the movies it ended up being the best date ever! I felt compelled to keep my feelings to myself after all I had a BF and he was his friend but after that “date” I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. As soon as I told him how I felt he immediately confirmed the same then it really was a dicey road from there to say the least.

 

As we grew closer the more me and my BF grew apart. We were still having many of the issues we had before but instead of voicing these concerns anymore I just let them be and got caught up with how amazing it felt to have found SM. This was really foolish and self destructive. In those months we spent together my BF proposed to me which I really didn’t want but I was too afraid to say no and let him down so instead I went along with it hoping that maybe things would improve between us. But they didn’t things progressively got worse after numerous talks nothing changed, things only improved for a short while after I suggested separating. Amongst all this heartache and confusion I found myself allowing myself to fall completely in love with SM. He wanted me to leave my BF I wanted to but every time I tried to leave my BF would convince me to stay he was so desperate to work it out. So I stayed and I’ve never forgiven myself for causing SM so much pain.

 

Eventually things came to a head and we stopped seeing and talking to eachother. I’d fallen pregnant with my BF and decided that if I was going to do this then I need SM not to be in my life. Although I’d like to point out that I fell pregnant having break up sex with my BF which at the time I took as a sign that I should stay with BF. The most painful decision I’ve ever made.

 

3 years on from that i found myself slipping closer and closer into temptation. My baby had kept me well distracted from the heartache for a time but the pain of missing SM became unbearable. Then one bad day I slipped and contacted him which I utterly hate myself for as I knew no good could come of it that I should just let him be but not having him in my life was literally killing me inside the pain was so suffocating.

 

SM contacted me back and admitted that he was still single and that he’d been trying to find a connection with someone in those that passed but nothing compared to what we had together. I was really sorry to hear that and now I was metaphorically sticking the knife in further.

 

I worked up the courage to tell my BF I was leaving and confessed everything to him about SM even that I was in love with him. He was devastated but forgave me and pleaded with me to stay. Again just as I thought I’d have the courage to leave I found myself being talked back into a relationship that I didn’t want to be in.

 

I did meet one time with SM during all of this and even though 3 years had passed everything was exactly the same I was hoping it was all in my head that I’d succumb to the theory of the grass being greener in the other side but it wasn’t true. I’d love SM for ever.

 

So as you can probably guess I stayed with my BF and since then had another baby. I love our family to absolute pieces and could be happy if I could just get SM out of my head but something inside of me like a magnet just keeps pulling me back to him. I try so hard to resist the urge I know I need to if only for his sake. I know I will never leave my BF I couldn’t ruin my family or make such a selfish choice that would end up hurting my family. I couldn’t leave before when things were more simple so I know I definitely will not now.

 

I just need to know what the point of all this was why did I have to meet SM why can’t I stop loving him and how the hell can I make myself get over him. I really really don’t want to some part of me still has hope that maybe we will get our time one day but for now I need to find a way to make life more bearable living with a broken heart for the rest of my life just sounds so miserable.

[Ziggy123]

There's no such thing as a soul mate you just are telling yourself that. In truth you had an emotional affair and now it's over and you're sad about it.

[reinventmyself]

The fantasy is always much better than reality. You know this, don't you?

Most of us have done this or something similar. Yearning for that unrequited love and once you have it and the high wears off it's nothing like you imagined to be.

Is the risk worth it?

[rosephase]

Hey, I feel for you. It's rough having your heart broken. Even if you did it to yourself. And kept making choices to keep breaking it. The way you are framing this is pretty dark... to tell you the truth. I bet there was a big part of you excited to marry your husband. You loved him. You wanted children with him. It's easy to forget that when you are hurting... but framing is everything. You have this big narrative around your "soulmate". But we re-frame things in time. It's easy to go back and say "OMG from the moment I -heard- your name I was so excited and in love" but that is a narrative. Reality is a lot more complex. I mean... you got married and had two kids... that didn't come from nothing.

 

How are things with you husband? How is your life? Longing and fantasy are easy escapes, while actually fixing the things that aren't working for you is hard.

 

My best advice? Watch your narratives. You build your world with them. We all do. Right now you are building a miserable world for yourself (and your husband and this guy you like). What version of this story could you be telling yourself?

[ThatwasThen]

What a giant waste of your time. You've staved off having a wonderful life with the man you are having babies with by holding onto a fantasy wherein you have absolutely no idea how good it would be with a so called friend who would ingratiate himself into the life of HIS friends girlfriend. That is not a good man. That is a selfish ass (not unlike yourself to be honest). All you have with this guy is stolen, illicit moments together where life didn't get in the way of your fantasy.

 

Do yourself, this mere mortal of a man you have on a pedestal as well as the father of your babies a big favor and quit the nonsense idolization of what you call your SM by changing your OBSESSIVE thoughts of him to something else like perhaps putting your emotional focus on the guy you CHOSE to not leave.

 

Get yourself into therapy if you can't shut down this fantasy obsession you have on this guy on your own. This is not a Netflix Rom/Com you're in, it's your life so you need to grow up and ditch the dream you're stuck in.

[Mrs34836]

you need to figure this out. Take more time for yourself and if you're a Christian pray about it. There's nothing wrong with wanting happiness in your life. But with that being said, "the grass is always greener on the other side". So I would err with caution. This guy doesn't sound good for you.

[maew]

The fantasy is always much better than reality. You know this, don't you?

Most of us have done this or something similar. Yearning for that unrequited love and once you have it and the high wears off it's nothing like you imagined to be.

Is the risk worth it?

 

So much this. When a relationship ends for me, the hardest part is ALWAYS grieving the death of the dream... aka letting go of the fantasy of "what could have been."

[Josl]

You might have had a connection with some guy some years ago, but I suspect the unhappiness with your boyfriend just let you over-romanticize the whole situation. And the unhappier you get with your relationship, the more attractive seems the fantasy of your one true soulmate waiting for you. But if you carry on, things will only get worse, and once this guy gets into a relationship or even marries, the bubble bursts and you will be destroyed.

 

So, break up this miserable relationship. Don’t worry about the children, it has been proven that two separated but cooperating parents are much better for them then an unhappy couple. Do your research, there is plenty on scientific literature on that.

 

Don’t let you then ex-boyfriend persuade you back into unhappiness. No no no. Stay strong this time.

 

And then, I’d suggest slowly get to know the other guy again. All the fantasies about him and how he is your soulmate, will definitely affect your judgement. Eventually it might now work out either. But you are in this idea of the two of you belonging together too deep, so not even trying will likely make you think “what if” forever.

[thealchemist]

You don't find a soulmate, you create one.

[ThatwasThen]

You don't find a soulmate, you create one.

 

Worth repeating.