Puella85 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 I met my soulmate when I was 26 and 6 years on I still think about him daily and miss him so agonisingly. The trouble is when I met my SM I already had a boyfriend that I’d been with for 4 years. I’d been experiencing some problems with that relationship for sometime before I met SM that were mainly down to our age and learning to live together. Almost 10 years on I’m still with my boyfriend a lot has changed in those years he’s a lovely man and looks after me and our two children really well. Things would be so much simpler if I hadn’t met SM. Going back to the beginning when I met SM he was was friends with my boyfriend at the time. My BF suggested inviting him to a party we were hosting and when he first spoke of SM I can’t explain it but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to meet him there was this feeling of familiarity and excitement which I’ve never experienced before with a stranger. When I finally met SM we instantly clicked. I’m not one to believe in love at first sight but this sure made me question everything I thought I knew about love. In the beginning it started out as harmless flirting then as we started hanging out more we became best friends. I’m quite an insecure person and keep my feelings/ thoughts generally to myself but SM had this way of opening me up as he said I did for him too. We would be able to look at eachother and just somehow know what the other was thinking. Seeing SM in a group situation soon became not enough I needed us to spend time alone. Innocently arranging a trip to the movies it ended up being the best date ever! I felt compelled to keep my feelings to myself after all I had a BF and he was his friend but after that “date” I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. As soon as I told him how I felt he immediately confirmed the same then it really was a dicey road from there to say the least. As we grew closer the more me and my BF grew apart. We were still having many of the issues we had before but instead of voicing these concerns anymore I just let them be and got caught up with how amazing it felt to have found SM. This was really foolish and self destructive. In those months we spent together my BF proposed to me which I really didn’t want but I was too afraid to say no and let him down so instead I went along with it hoping that maybe things would improve between us. But they didn’t things progressively got worse after numerous talks nothing changed, things only improved for a short while after I suggested separating. Amongst all this heartache and confusion I found myself allowing myself to fall completely in love with SM. He wanted me to leave my BF I wanted to but every time I tried to leave my BF would convince me to stay he was so desperate to work it out. So I stayed and I’ve never forgiven myself for causing SM so much pain. Eventually things came to a head and we stopped seeing and talking to eachother. I’d fallen pregnant with my BF and decided that if I was going to do this then I need SM not to be in my life. Although I’d like to point out that I fell pregnant having break up sex with my BF which at the time I took as a sign that I should stay with BF. The most painful decision I’ve ever made. 3 years on from that i found myself slipping closer and closer into temptation. My baby had kept me well distracted from the heartache for a time but the pain of missing SM became unbearable. Then one bad day I slipped and contacted him which I utterly hate myself for as I knew no good could come of it that I should just let him be but not having him in my life was literally killing me inside the pain was so suffocating. SM contacted me back and admitted that he was still single and that he’d been trying to find a connection with someone in those that passed but nothing compared to what we had together. I was really sorry to hear that and now I was metaphorically sticking the knife in further. I worked up the courage to tell my BF I was leaving and confessed everything to him about SM even that I was in love with him. He was devastated but forgave me and pleaded with me to stay. Again just as I thought I’d have the courage to leave I found myself being talked back into a relationship that I didn’t want to be in. I did meet one time with SM during all of this and even though 3 years had passed everything was exactly the same I was hoping it was all in my head that I’d succumb to the theory of the grass being greener in the other side but it wasn’t true. I’d love SM for ever. So as you can probably guess I stayed with my BF and since then had another baby. I love our family to absolute pieces and could be happy if I could just get SM out of my head but something inside of me like a magnet just keeps pulling me back to him. I try so hard to resist the urge I know I need to if only for his sake. I know I will never leave my BF I couldn’t ruin my family or make such a selfish choice that would end up hurting my family. I couldn’t leave before when things were more simple so I know I definitely will not now. I just need to know what the point of all this was why did I have to meet SM why can’t I stop loving him and how the hell can I make myself get over him. I really really don’t want to some part of me still has hope that maybe we will get our time one day but for now I need to find a way to make life more bearable living with a broken heart for the rest of my life just sounds so miserable. Link to comment
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