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Hi all. Been with my wife for 20yrs, married 13yrs.

Due to problems on both sides we split up in September. 2 weeks later she is in a rebound and this guy moved in at the start of the relationship with her and my kids. You may be thinking that maybe she had him lined up and if it is indeed a rebound.

I know for a fact that it started 1 week after I moved out so no, not lined up.

Why do I think its a rebound?

1) he was the first guy to show attention.

2) she rubbed it in my face.

3) the relationship has moved super fast with a holiday 2 weeks in.

4) "I love you's" within weeks.

5) future faking.

6) moving in.

7) telling everybody how "happy" she is.


You don't end a 20yr relationship and be in love with someone else IMO within weeks.

Since the split she asked twice to remain friends. I told her if i cant be her husband then I cant be her friend, screw being her "cushion". Obviously with kids involved things have been really stressed out. The kids have suffered massively emotionally due to the new guys entry into their lives straight after their dad moved out. My daughter lasted a month or so with her mom but came to live with me. She has given me her thoughts and feelings and I'm helping her work through things in her head. She has also given me, though not intentionally, a view on her mothers state of mind. I'll get to that in a bit.

My 2 sons are still with their mother and I see them weekends as I work. Saturdays are my new favourite day of the week lol.

Anywho, since all this happened as you can imagine I have been very, very down. The first few weeks I felt incredibly numb and broken hearted. I tried my hardest to go NC to begin with but she made it impossible for me. I told her I did not want to speak to or see her. I arranged to go through the mother in law to access the kids. She drops them at her moms, I pick them up, simple right? No lol, every week she was late. I felt like I was being dangled on a string so I shut that crap down. I know talk to my eldest boy on xbox and when they are ready I phone the taxi to get them, taking their mother out of the equation. It really works for me and the boys.

Besides that there has been numerous texts about things that she already knows, an example being about child maintenance I pay each Friday. A few weeks ago I told her I would pay cash instead of bank transfer as I had issues with my account, I would give the money to my son and resume bank transfer for Fridays when my issue was sorted. So then she texts on Friday asking where the money is? I never reply, I mean she knows the answer to the question already right? No need to text at all. There has also been a couple of times that she has "bumped" into me for no reason.

Since the access has been sorted, I have not spoken to her for 3 weeks or seen her but still getting the random texts. The point I've tried to make is basically only contact me in an emergency regarding the kids, I need the "cord" cut for ME.

The last time I spoke to her was , looking back a bit weak on my part. She had a cancer scare and I wanted to know she was ok I guess. She broke down on the phone and said I'm stressing her out with the things I've put in place regarding the kids. I explained to her I have just made it easier for those involved. She kept going silent on the phone, it felt like she enjoyed hearing my voice. She asked again to be friends, I again declined. She said we need to get along for the kids. I said we don't need to see or talk to each other as I have moved to a new town and the only time we do is if there's an emergency.

Ok back to my daughter. She stopped with me a whole weekend before she moved into my place. After that weekend she told me her mother asked her what I'm doing, who I'm doing it with and if I have a girlfriend. What? I thought she was 100% over me and soooo happy with the new guy....

Anyway, back to the things the daughter told me. She said this "relationship" is definitely a rebound. My daughter is 17 btw and she thinks her mom is very unhappy behind closed doors. She only shows new guy attention when she's been drinking and ignores him most of the time. He plays on his computer all night and sleeps all day. My daughter says the relationship is outwardly fake happiness but inside the relationship its weird.

Apparently she is always talking about me and not in a good way either, anything that happens or goes wrong is instantly my fault, the marriage breakdown, the issues the kids are having, the kids mentioning me even makes her angry. A lot of the time she is very moody and volatile hence my daughter jumping ship.

She focuses the blame entirely on me and will not admit to any contribution she has made, her contribution is a lot.

Me and my daughter have come to the same conclusion so here it is.

I believe she has tried to make me jealous and has inadvertently dug herself a great big hole.

This woman is not over me at all but is too proud to hold her hands up because I have showed no signs of trying to reconcile. SHE dug this hole, not me and I'm screwed if I'm helping her sort her emotions and her life out I guess.

I on the other hand didn't rebound, I have worked on bettering myself and working on my contributions to the break up. I feel better for it.

My feelings? I'm not going to lie, I love her, always have. Do I want her back? I honestly don't know, she has done a lot and shows no signs of trying to sort herself out, I don't want half a person if you understand me. If she does "wake up" I will definitely start full contact initially just to help the kids with how they are at the minute as she is just constantly shouting at them.

I am going to continue NC whilst continuing to work on myself and be a shoulder for the kids.

Any advice would be welcome, thanks.

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Your wife is suffering through this break up and as a means to return to a semblance of status quo in her life she got a replacement for you. She was hoping that all of the issues would miraculously go away because this apparent status quo had returned but she may as well have bought herself a cardboard cut out of some random guy. She applied the classic thinking that you can get over someone by getting under someone else, but that doesn’t work and she discovered this. She still has all the pain from the breakup and now a new level of drama on top.


She is, of course, to proud to admit she is struggling to you, someone she is trying to prove to that she is able to deal with this. But she is not. And with her daughter bailing on her, she is likely going a little insane and thinking about how she can get this sense of calm back that she had during your relationship. This is the wanting to be friends part, to have someone in control while she does what she wants, but is not responsible to you. The proverbial cake and eating it too.


I think you have followed the correct path and have made the right decisions to move forward, for the most part. You are right to avoid contact as best as possible and play into her drama and needs.


My advice would be to continue to do what you are doing, work on you and be there for the kids. They are the ones suffering the most out of this and they need you to be their rock, as your wife goes through the process of trying to find her feet again. Keep your chin up dude, and keep posting here.

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Many parallels with my story, Chris- together with my ex for 22 years, split up nearly 6 months ago, and she was with someone 'new' in 4 weeks. We don't have kids, but of course I too think it's a rebound. Nobody can process the end of a 22 year partnership in 4 weeks. And then of course the rubbing my face in it, the ridiculously early implication that shes 'in love' with him, etc etc. Of course I stopped all communication at this point, I really don't want to know anything about it. The pain of being rejected was bad enough, but then to pile 'replacement' on top of that, was like salt in a still fresh wound. It still hurts.


Mine is also too proud to admit that shes digging herself into a deep hole, because of course all this cr*p with this guy, means I would never take her back. Shes committed to her path now, whether of either of us likes it or not.

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Hi keyman, you pretty much hit the nail on the head about my feelings towards the situation. She is also going out every weekend whether she has the kids or not, getting drunk and what not, sometimes Friday, Saturday and sunday nights. She is also drinking in the week. It is very out of character for her and this is why the kids are worried about her. New guy drinks and gets stoned most days too. I don't want this guy around my kids but what can I do? If I interfere in just the sad needy ex right? Screw that, my names already crap.

Hi Misscanuck, the marriage broke down due to an enormous amount of stress we have BOTH been under. We have always been a very strong couple, us against the world so to speak. I was always the "fixer" in the relationship and prided myself on my ability to work through anything. Somewhere along the way this stress got too much for us both and my wife had a mental breakdown. It was pretty bad and i ended up leaving 2 jobs to help her work through it and help her with the kids. IMO she has never fully recovered from this breakdown. She has been heavily depressed and not taking her meds.

I believe that she came to the conclusion that the reason for all her problems were ME. This is why i think I have been treated so badly since the split, its like she has completely turned on me. Her family also initially turned on me, but are recently opening their eyes and said this blaming me crap has to stop. As a defence mechanism she has stopped spending time with them. They swallowed her crap and thought new guy was the one to "save" her lol. Their opinions on him have changed too.

We were both sick of the situation and I felt like she didn't want me, I asked her loads of times if she wanted to be with me and she always said yes. This time she said no so I told her if she doesn't want me she has to let me go, she agreed. The week after I moved out, that was when she "turned" on me.

The week after, her sister and sister in law took her on a night out to set up a one night stand. Thanks for helping our marriage right? Lol.

This guy was the first she spoke to and was instantly besotted. Obviously to fill the void she worked quickly to "replace" me. This guy is 34, the same age as me. Doesn't work, lives with his mom and just drinks and smokes weed. To go with his carefree life, he's now got sex on tap. I would moved in too lol. My daughter says her mom vehemently denies that he lives with her. I find this odd, her FB still says single too and my daughter thinks my wife is chatting to other guys online too, all the time while new guy is playing his games lol. Apparently my wife goes out all day on her own too while new guy sleeps. I would never be able to get away with that behaviour lol nor should I have done. I think my daughter is right, this relationship is definitely weird lol.

Hi fever, I admire the way you look at your situation, I wished mine was that cut and dry. I cant get this woman out of my head, I think about her and the kids constantly. The feeling of rejection I intense. The thing I'm struggling with, with regards to her is attachment. Its like it is irrelevant how much she has hurt me, there's an invisible string "binding" us together and no matter what I do, I cant cut it and its not like I don't want to. We are connected emotionally, its weird.

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I forgot to mention also that I am saving up for a bigger place, once I get it my eldest boy is coming with me too. The youngest is very close to his mom so I think he will stay put, although he will only have to ask me once. The way I see it is that I made a commitment to the kids and it needs following through.

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do right now except help the kids and myself.

She may never "wake up" and that's a scary thought. Her reckless and irresponsible behaviour is dangerous right now, that's why I want to leave her behind. I want to shake her and tell her I'm here for her and she needs to "fix" herself but she needs to see it for herself and make herself a better person, without me.

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In Florida, when divorce happens and kids are in the family, it's mandatory that the parents attend a divorce-parenting class (they don't have to attend together). Basically, the class focuses on how NOT to badmouth your ex, since it stresses out the children. They discuss other important matters on properly co-parenting.


Even though your daughter is 17, she shouldn't be pulled into these adult matters, such as being grilled for information. Also, she and the other children shouldn't be pulled into adult discussions about why her mother is doing what she's doing. The only thing she should be told is that the relationship didn't work out and that you will take measures to make sure she and her brothers have the best home life possible. Your children can be given the facts, of what you're doing, such as seeking custody and your plans for having them legally in your care, but discussing their mothers psychology, etc, should be off limits.


I'd strongly suggest you and your ex attend counseling together, so that you both can get an educated third party's advice on how to handle the end of the marriage in the best way possible. Children will always be traumatized by divorce, but the trauma can be lessened by the maturity of both parents handling things appropriately with the children. I would imagine a counselor would suggest the other man move out, so if your wife listens, that would be one benefit of attending counseling with you.

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Hi Andrina, wow that sounds like a really good idea. Here in the UK its pretty much anything goes. I can understand what you are saying about not discussing their mothers psychology with them but it really is not that simple. You see depression has been something she has always suffered with. She had PND with all the children and their mothers depression has always been a part of their lives. This is why they are talking to me and are worried about her, they know she is not herself and its like they are reaching out to me to "fix" things and get her straight because that's what I've done all their lives.

Since I've been gone children's services have been involved because of the way she has gone, school lateness, days off etc plus my sons current frame of mind. He has become violent since I left, both at school and at home.

The new guy was showing my daughter how to buy LSD and ecstasy online, as you can imagine I was less than impressed. Children's services suggested to my wife that maybe new guy should not be around the kids, and she should only see him outside of the family home. Legally he has commited no crime in their eyes and unless he poses no immediate danger to the children then its up to her who lives there. Like I said, in the UK anything goes. The need to have someone in her life trumps the children's needs and feelings. These are not the thoughts of someone who is emotionally stable and a 2nd more worse breakdown could occur and this is why the kids want out.

Under normal circumstances I would totally agree with your train of thought but this is something that has become "normal" for us and the kids know how her mood changes. In the summer we had an argument and I stayed round my friends house, she messaged me saying she was going to do something"stupid" unless I returned home. It scared the crap out of me, the boys don't know about it and maybe never will so I don't want you to think I discuss everything with the kids, I merely listen to their feelings regarding their own experiences with their mothers mindset/behaviour. I hope I explained that in a way that I wanted to.

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The most relevant statistics are probably these:

introducing a boyfriend into a single mother’s home can increase a child’s risk of abuse or death.


A 2011 federal study of child abuse found that the riskiest home situation for children was living with one parent and an unmarried partner: 57.2 per 1,000 were maltreated. That’s more than eight times the risk than if they were living with both biological parents (6.8 per 1,000) and more than double the risk of living in a single-parent household (28.4 per 1,000).


Read more here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/2013/04/04/2542444/moms-boyfriend-may-be-hazardous.html#storylink=cpy


Even is the youngest is close to his mother, please get custody of all of the children. He can still see his mother, hopefully under supervised visits or visits that don't include the boyfriend. You should start to document inappropriate behavior involving your ex and the bf, and taking legal action when drug use is happening around children.

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Those are shocking stats Andrina. And yes my plan is to get all the children. Children's services made me aware of a lot as I am the father and I have openly spoken to them about worries I have surrounding my wife's mental health. Having spoken to the kids also they agree with me that she needs some sort of counselling to work through the things we have been through as a couple/family. This was a few weeks back and I'm waiting to hear back from them.

I think I may be worth noting that i have been in counselling since I left and I have found it massively beneficial. Tho is why I'm trying to push it onto her because I know the positive benefits it will have for the kids and her. Obviously things have not been the best the past few months for them and to me its about damage limitation right now.

Again, those stats are shocking. The kids don't like the new guy because of his habits, if she "wakes up" he will be gone so at least that will be one problem out the way, then her mental health will be the biggest thing to help her with.


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Hi catfeeder, he has said nothing about it in all honesty except that grounds for divorce are obvious. I'm unsure of laws, but I'm of the understanding that this is illegal in the US to do this? Like I said, I'm in the UK and there is nothing I can do about the situation but accept it. It is utterly disgusting IMO, but it is what it is.

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Well, I have an update on this. I have found out today that my ex and the new guy had an argument on Wednesday night. This is the first that I know of. Basically they had been out drinking all day and the argument happened when they got home. I get that it was about the new guy telling my ex how to discipline my youngest. By the sounds of it, it was pretty heated with both shouting loudly. Me and my ex never argued like that, that was one of the good points about us I guess, we just had a few words then left it and apologised to one another a few hours later. This in front of the kids is not a good sign for me. My son was upset about it so told me. I told him to hold on in there, and reminded him that he can contact me whenever he wants.

Does this mean the honeymoon is over in this rebound? NC is nearly at one month now and i really do feel like reaching out to see if she's ok but I know this will be counterproductive as I cant be her emotional airbag. I have read that once the honeymoon is over that she will start to see all his flaws and be reminded of what she had with me. What do you guys think about this and do you think I should continue the NC based on what I've said? I really want this waster away from my kids right now.

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Anymore thoughts on this?

I spoke with my son tonight, he is fairly upset. He said he had a massive argument with his mom because of how he is being treated with the new guy in the house. He said he feels like she only cares about the new guy and she was yet again blaming me for everything that's wrong right now. Of course there is not a lot I can do, I told him to just stay out of the house as much as he can and try to avoid conflict.

The "anger" towards me is really starting to wear thin so I sort of broke no contact to have a rant.

I phoned my mother in law to talk about this, but I told her not to tell my wife.

The "anger" is not just wearing thin on me, she has been told by her mom it has to stop.

My mother in law says she can see how this is affecting my son and said the sooner he lives with me the better. I asked her if she knew where the anger is coming from but she said she didn't know. She agreed that I'm doing right by the kids so far and that it will just take time for her daughters anger to subside. That's great I thought, but my son is suffering NOW.

Anyway, I asked her to try and find out why my wife is so angry because if its something I can fix that will benefit my son, I'm all ears.

She also said she is worried about her daughters out of character behaviour, like I said its like she doesn't care about anything anymore or is blind to it. Is this common in a rebound because I've not heard it anywhere.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, NC has been going for about 6 weeks now. That's the last time I spoke to her in the phone call I mentioned. Since then things have just gone from bad to worse. I spoke to her mom a few weeks ago regarding my son and she told me that there was an incident the Friday before Christmas at the pub. I obviously don't know all the details but my ex was out with the kids, the new guy, her nephew, sister and sister in law. New guy was outside with his friend making fun of my son regarding his weight, I mean right.

Her sister and sister in law had very hard words for her and a big row erupted. Obviously there was beer involved and it was 1am in the morning. They were telling her new guy is a waste of space and she needs to get rid of him, sort herself out and start putting her kids first.

she was sticking up for the new guy, her son is sitting there in tears and she is saying she doesn't care and is putting herself first..... is wrong with this woman????

I honestly thought the rebound would be over by now as its been 3 months but it seems like she thinks he is god or something.

I personally think she is petrified of being alone.

Her sister said "she can sit there and say she's happy all she wants, but I know she isn't"

Her sister in law has said she wants nothing more to do with her.

Her mom has told me to take the kids.

They are convinced there's something up with her.

Now as I've stated in previous posts, her mental health has been an issue but her family have not really had to deal with it, I have.

I feel like making contact to ask her if she is "really" happy, and is going on?

NC has been going for a while now, to be honest I miss her although I have no reason to with what she has done to me. My friend keeps telling me I have no say in her actions and i should just let her self destruct and get the kids away from her as soon as I can but its going to take most of this year to save for a bigger place. Is he right? Should I just let whatever happens, happen? I feel like I cant say anything as I will just be met by anger. I don't know if I mentioned that, basically I asked her mom to ask her why she is so angry with me without letting her know I spoke with her. She did ask and she just shrugged her shoulders and said she doesn't know why she's angry at me?.

Anywho, am I just having a moment of NC weakness?

Part of me thinks she wants me come save her but screw that, she has taken everything from me and I'm ***** if she's taking my dignity, thanks.

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She's making poor choices, and you cannot help nor save her.

She isn't your problem right now.

You need to take action for yourself, and take the kids. Utilize your lawyer to handle it.


There's too much family interference happening here.

All this "he said, she said" is not helpful.

Can you distance yourself from it?

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Take the issue to your lawyer and tell him you want him to present you with legal options on the issue. It's what you're paying him for.


Hi there. Lawyer says she is playing right into my hands regarding custody of the kids. He can start legal proceedings but like i said my place is too small to have them yet.

Children's services said they will not interfere unless physical harm comes to the kids. That's ridiculous right?

They are however willing to help me seek bigger accommodation so that's a plus.

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She's making poor choices, and you cannot help nor save her.

She isn't your problem right now.

You need to take action for yourself, and take the kids. Utilize your lawyer to handle it.


There's too much family interference happening here.

All this "he said, she said" is not helpful.

Can you distance yourself from it?

my friend has been saying exactly that.

I have distanced myself as much as I can. I live in a new town, I have deactivated my fb and created a new one for the kids to contact me, she, her family are blocked. She called and text 3 weeks ago about money, I neither answered nor replied.

The only time I hear about her is from the kids. Its getting to the point where I dread seeing them because of what they say, but if there's something on their mind, I have to listen, its my job.

As far as thinking about myself, I hear you but its tough. Like I said, its been 3 months and i still constantly think about her 24/7, is this normal? Should I go see the doc?

I'm going back to the gym this weekend.

I think the reason why I'm having difficulty letting go is because everything that is going on.

Anyone have any experiences of their exes imploding?


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my friend has been saying exactly that.

I have distanced myself as much as I can. I live in a new town, I have deactivated my fb and created a new one for the kids to contact me, she, her family are blocked. She called and text 3 weeks ago about money, I neither answered nor replied.

The only time I hear about her is from the kids. Its getting to the point where I dread seeing them because of what they say, but if there's something on their mind, I have to listen, its my job.

As far as thinking about myself, I hear you but its tough. Like I said, its been 3 months and i still constantly think about her 24/7, is this normal? Should I go see the doc?

I'm going back to the gym this weekend.

I think the reason why I'm having difficulty letting go is because everything that is going on.

Anyone have any experiences of their exes imploding?



Yes, it's normal. Three months is not a long time, plus there's so much drama you have to endure. It's not like you are able to go full NC and never hear of her. You're missing what once was, and her new, off the wall behavior upsets you.

Then there's the new guy, and you've not moved on yet, right?

No matter how bad a relationship gets, everyone misses certain aspects of what they had.

No need for a doctor unless you're having severe anxiety or severe depression, which I don't think is the case.

Obviously you worry, and rightfully so. Concern for your kids will be your driving force to get past this nonsense

she has herself wrapped up in.

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The way I look at it is just because she is with somebody else, it does not mean she has moved on.

If I started dating now would that mean I have moved on? Hell no.

I am not even near ready to see other people.

Maybe this is why she is acting so irresponsible? I have read somewhere that a rebound is like taking a step into a fantasy world and it ends when reality kicks in.

Its like she has lost the plot. Things would have been so much easier if the new guy was actually someone who isn't a degenerate.

I honestly do want what's best for her, I mean that but its obvious that she is rebounding.

Like I said, she is petrified to be alone that's why I was thinking of breaking no contact to try and talk some sense into her.

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Also, my anxiety is an issue. I have been having tightness of chest and palpitations and bouts of increased heart rate.

Its normally when I hear about her, any little thing I hear can get me stressed out and over analyzing for days.

Normally I get night sweats too when this happens, not cool.

20 years is a long time though, how long can I expect to feel like this?

Last weekend my son said he accidently told his mom about my new fb account and she said she isn't even bothered. He used my phone at my place to log into his account. He had used him moms phone previously and I don't think he logged out because he told me it was odd that my name and my place of work had been searched on his account.

Basically his mother had searched for me and my son was also online at times when he was sat playing xbox with me. She has actively looked me up but why when she's so "happy"?

Honestly, I didn't eat or sleep for 3 days. I have not been right since. How can 1 persons actions do that to somebody? I mean seriously.

I started NC for me to heal, its not working lol. Fml pmsl.

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You're focusing on the wrong stuff. Deal with the emotional stuff AFTER you deal with the legalities of what she is doing to your KIDS.

There is nothing I can do though, except keep saving for a bigger place. I am pretty helpless here.

Like I said, her family are starting to see there is something wrong too. I spoke with her mother today and she has had a chat with her and she has found out why she is acting the way she is.

Unfortunately she said she has been made to promise that she wont tell me so obviously her mom will honour that promise, as she should.

I said that its good that she has opened up to somebody, and i encouraged her mom to try and support/help her.

Fingers crossed she can return to some sort of "normality" soon.

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