advice welcome

[catfeeder]

There is nothing I can do though, except keep saving for a bigger place. I am pretty helpless here.

 

You still didn't tell us the options your lawyer presented when you told him of the current abuse of your children. You said he didn't say anything, but that's not what you pay him for. Get answers.

[Wiseman2]

The only contact you should be making is to set up visitation and child support speaking directly to her. All the family hearsay and looking to discredit her is not doing your son any good.

[monsterdrinker]

You still didn't tell us the options your lawyer presented when you told him of the current abuse of your children. You said he didn't say anything, but that's not what you pay him for. Get answers.

My lawyer said this is not uncommon and unless I seek custody there really isn't anything he can do about it. That's true I guess, he can seek custody for me but like I said, I don't have the room for the kids at present. He said i could speak to children's services about my concerns but again, children's services are unwilling to intervene unless the children are subjected to any physical harm.

[monsterdrinker]

The only contact you should be making is to set up visitation and child support speaking directly to her. All the family hearsay and looking to discredit her is not doing your son any good.

 

His there, I do not speak with her direct because its just impossible to communicate with her. She is very angry at me and as I've heard from her mother, even she doesn't know why she's angry. Visitation and maintenance were sorted out a while back which was a lot of hassle. You said discredit her? I think you should read all posts, the kids are really having a hard time atm. I am doing my best to be there for them. I don't talk bad about her to her family or my kids as it would do more damage Imo. But she does need a good sit down and an eye opening chat lol because her behaviour is becoming very dangerous for everyone involved.

Thanks.

[monsterdrinker]

Unrelated but my nephew(wife's side) just called, he gave me some very kind words regarding the situation and launched into a scathing attack on his aunty. I did not get into it with him but thanked him for his kind words. He lived with us a few years ago due to personal reasons and he has seen a lot of the problems first hand.

Anywho, turns out him and his partner are expecting their first child!!

He wanted to make sure that I would be in the childs life which touched me if I'm honest.

Great uncle Chris does have a ring to it lol.

[catfeeder]

My lawyer said this is not uncommon and unless I seek custody there really isn't anything he can do about it. That's true I guess, he can seek custody for me but like I said, I don't have the room for the kids at present. He said i could speak to children's services about my concerns but again, children's services are unwilling to intervene unless the children are subjected to any physical harm.

 

I'd hire a better lawyer. Most courts take action against mothers who bring men who are not the children's father into the home to live there--especially when there's evidence of harm of any kind to the children.

 

Again, you're focusing on your emotions at the expense of your kids' welfare. You're not being smart about this or proactive in any way because you're more concerned about ingratiating yourself with ex and her family than looking out for your kids.

[monsterdrinker]

I'd hire a better lawyer. Most courts take action against mothers who bring men who are not the children's father into the home to live there

I really am limited here and I don't think you understand my lack of power. As I said before, I am of the understanding that in some countries it is illegal what she is doing. Here in the UK she has broken no law. It is not fair/right by the children, that much is clear. To take court action against her I would need sufficient evidence that the children at coming to physical harm. I have no evidence and to my knowledge there has been no physical harm. The damage being done is emotional, this is not grounds for children's services to take action. It is crazy right? The only thing I have in my favour is joint PR(parental responsibility) this means if the children wish to live with me, she cannot stop them unless she decides to take court action which wouldn't happen.

I am seriously thinking about contacting her and suggesting she moves out of her house and leave the children and I could move in to look after them. A bit extreme but so many problems could be sorted out that way. That is really the only quick solution I can think of here.

[monsterdrinker]

As far as action against him living there, children's services organised a meeting with her and "suggested" she see him outside of the family environment. They can see the effects it has had but they are powerless too do anything unless there is physical abuse or neglect present. I explained that there is emotional abuse present but they said that the children are not very talkative and have disclosed nothing, although her mom has also raised concerns, they will not act. Obviously the courts will not act without evidence and even if I had it there is no place for the kids with me which is why I suggested what i did. I see no way out of this in the short term unless her family could put the kids up for a while. They have said she needs to start putting them first and can clearly see the problems so maybe its worth talking to them, I dunno.

[SweetGirl28]

As far as action against him living there, children's services organised a meeting with her and "suggested" she see him outside of the family environment. They can see the effects it has had but they are powerless too do anything unless there is physical abuse or neglect present. I explained that there is emotional abuse present but they said that the children are not very talkative and have disclosed nothing, although her mom has also raised concerns, they will not act. Obviously the courts will not act without evidence and even if I had it there is no place for the kids with me which is why I suggested what i did. I see no way out of this in the short term unless her family could put the kids up for a while. They have said she needs to start putting them first and can clearly see the problems so maybe its worth talking to them, I dunno.

 

I have no idea where you reside, but I know from experience here(I've been a children's advocate in the past

for the courts and have worked in nursing for DCFS, they are highly hesitant to get involved deeper when it's a

divorce case. The "he said, she said" without solid evidence leaves not much to go on. The kids not saying

much is difficult also. They aren't as focused on emotional abuse, it's hard to prove, neglect however is a

different story. What you can do is run a background check on this guy, and see if anything criminal is on it.

Then have your lawyer pursue it.

 

I'm sorry, I'm forgetting the ages of your children? A lot is dependent upon that. Courts here listen to kids at 13

as far as who they want to live with, after questioning them to be certain they aren't being manipulated by one parent

not trying to "parent shop" to be with the parent who enforces less rules upon them.

 

You also say you don't have the space for your kids, so what would your plan be? They are always hesitant

to remove kids from a home with nowhere to place them, except in cases of proven physical abuse and neglect.

I've seen them give kids to the parent who have a one bedroom, because you can turn any space into a bedroom

for yourself, as long as it's bigger than a studio apartment.

[monsterdrinker]

I have no idea where you reside, but I know from experience here(I've been a children's advocate in the past

for the courts and have worked in nursing for DCFS, they are highly hesitant to get involved deeper when it's a

divorce case. The "he said, she said" without solid evidence leaves not much to go on. The kids not saying

much is difficult also. They aren't as focused on emotional abuse, it's hard to prove, neglect however is a

different story. What you can do is run a background check on this guy, and see if anything criminal is on it.

Then have your lawyer pursue it.

 

I'm sorry, I'm forgetting the ages of your children? A lot is dependent upon that. Courts here listen to kids at 13

as far as who they want to live with, after questioning them to be certain they aren't being manipulated by one parent

not trying to "parent shop" to be with the parent who enforces less rules upon them.

 

You also say you don't have the space for your kids, so what would your plan be? They are always hesitant

to remove kids from a home with nowhere to place them, except in cases of proven physical abuse and neglect.

I've seen them give kids to the parent who have a one bedroom, because you can turn any space into a bedroom

for yourself, as long as it's bigger than a studio apartment.

Hi there, I did ask children's services to run a check on him which they did. The check came back clear but I was not happy about I because the check consisted of only finding out if he is known to them. In other words if there had been any reason that he was known to them it would of been something that involves kids. The check did not consist of a criminal background check. He is known to friends of mine who don't paint a very nice picture of him.

He does drink/drugs everyday, he has a very short fuse and often talks ill of his mother. Mom bashing is a very sore subject for me, I loved my mother and i find I very difficult to listen to that kind of crap, in fact I wont allow anyone to mom bash in my presence. It is wrong, period.

Children's services can force him out of the house if it is proven that there is physical abuse/neglect on his part by saying he cant be around the children then obviously she would have to choose. It really is a sad state of affairs that there would need to be a proven "incident" first.

I also think the guy is one of those manipulative bully types. From the start he has been telling/enforcing rules onto the kids a manner in which he thinks they should behave, he has been around 5 minutes and my ex just goes along with it. My son got banned off his xbox for a week for having a cup in his room? A bit extreme I think.

This is one of her families big concerns coupled with the fact that she is clinging to him for dear life, she is just inviting control/manipulation Imo.

And yes, children's services are very hesitant to remove children even though they have told me that they expect the whole situation to come to a head.

They have said there is emotional abuse present but as you said, they don't see it as hugely important.

My boys are 13 and 9. CS said the kids can come to me no problem as there is no safeguarding issues with me, there would be no need for courts.

Where I live at the minute is classed as a studio apartment but its basically a room. Its about 22ft x12ft with a kitchenette area at one end and a small shower room at the other end. I have 2 single beds, 1 for me,1 for my daughter. She is 17 so as you can imagine, this is less than ideal. I am not allowed visitors and definitely nobody is allowed to sleep here. The guy that collects rent knows about my daughter but I slip him £20 a week to keep his mouth shut.

The most basic accommodation I am seeking will be a 2 bedroom flat. 1 room for my daughter, 1 for the boys and I will use the living area as my room.

[monsterdrinker]

I also want to reply to your mentioning of the kids wanting to live with the parent who enforces less rules. I would say out of both parents, I would enforce the most rules/boundaries. It is pretty difficult to explain but when I was not at work there was never really any major issues. I don't believe that shouting at kids gets you anywhere near them being respectful towards you. There has to be rules, they have to learn to take care of themselves and their own personal space.

When I was working or out the house I was constantly being called telling me to sort the kids out because they don't listen to her as they have no respect for her. I didn't see it at the time but separation really does open ones eyes.

Me and the kids have been walking on egg shells for years and this is my biggest reason for wanting the kids away from her.

My ex was only born because her father wanted 1 more child. She was glued to her dad and often said that she never felt loved by her mother and her mom never told her "I love you"

This is very very relevant Imo.

She doesn't know how to show love because her mother never taught her.

Google "unloving mothers" it describes my ex word for word.

This is why there will be no courts when it comes to me having the boys, CS are aware of this as she has openly admitted to being empathetic.

You could argue its not her fault but she is aware of her inability to give love, yet she shows no signs of addressing the issues.

In that marriage, looking back i never felt love and felt like it was all about her and her feelings.

For the last 18 months I could not sleep and had night sweats most times I slept. I could not stand being around her and would often go out with the kids weekends just so I didn't have to be around her and all the time she made me feel like "I" was the one that was ill.

My daughter has anxiety too and I know see a pattern emerging. My counsellor has suggested she is a narcissist, I wouldn't say she was 100% but she definitely shows traits of it.

So ye, went a bit off topic but its not all about who will provide more/less boundaries, its more about damage limitation regarding the children's present and future mental health.

[SweetGirl28]

I hear ya. I'm sorry for your situation. You can run your own background check on him, which will show you

absolutely everything. It's worth the money to see if there is any drug arrest history or drunk driving charges,

assaults on his record . That being said, you still right need to make your focus on moving to a larger place

so that you can offer your boys a place to live.

 

I understand your concerns and the issues you present with her past, however again, it needs to be proven

that she is being hurtful and neglectful/ emotionally abusive. Unfortunately the line most often tossed out there

is " kids are resilient, they bounce back from anything." Unfortunately that's often not the case.

 

Another important aspect is the wishes of your boys. At 13 and 9, they would want to stay together,

being brothers. What have they expressed? Do they want to be with you? Its important to not create

further tension for them, it seems as if ideally you being the custodial parent and her having visitation would

be the best situation.

[monsterdrinker]

I hear ya. I'm sorry for your situation. You can run your own background check on him, which will show you

absolutely everything. It's worth the money to see if there is any drug arrest history or drunk driving charges,

assaults on his record . That being said, you still right need to make your focus on moving to a larger place

so that you can offer your boys a place to live.

 

I understand your concerns and the issues you present with her past, however again, it needs to be proven

that she is being hurtful and neglectful/ emotionally abusive. Unfortunately the line most often tossed out there

is " kids are resilient, they bounce back from anything." Unfortunately that's often not the case.

 

Another important aspect is the wishes of your boys. At 13 and 9, they would want to stay together,

being brothers. What have they expressed? Do they want to be with you? Its important to not create

further tension for them, it seems as if ideally you being the custodial parent and her having visitation would

be the best situation.

Yes 100%, I need a bigger place like yesterday. CS have stated that the best place for my eldest son is with me, his behaviour has become a problem since I left and his mom tried to kick him out. Anger is her reaction to everything and like I said me and her family are concerned about her frame of mind as her behaviour has become very off, its like she is self destructing and has no regards to how the people around her are affected. She has sought counsel with her mother and I have urged her to try and help her as much as she can just if anything to bring some calm to the situation whilst I get somewhere bigger. If she does not claim back some sort of reality, who knows what could happen.

My eldest has stated from day 1 that he wishes to live with me and my youngest started asking strange questions the weekend such as how would he get to school if he lived with me. He has always had the better relationship with his mom out of all the kids but the other 2 have stated that he is being pushed away too. He seems fairly resilient at the moment but CS said this could affect him later on, I'm not sure I agree on this but then again, if you would of told me 6 months ago my marriage and family would be in tatters I would not have believed you. I don't worry so much about him compared to the others but if push come to shove, I reckon he would follow his brother.

As for the new guy, yes I could look into paying for my own check if not just to have something on paper.

We have plenty like him in this country, what he is just confirms for me that its a rebound relationship. He is 34, no job, no car, was living with his mom paying no rent, talks ill of her, has a short fuse, sleeps all day, drinks/drugs all night, has done class A drugs, has the missing teeth to go with it. I mean the list goes on, he does not help with bills etc, that's how desperateshe is to not be alone, my wife is a very nice looking woman, all this would have been sooo much easier if she would have found someone stable to at least point her in the right direction.

If there were not kids involved, it would have been so much easier to just be NC and move on but its just an impossible situation right now.

[SweetGirl28]

Yes 100%, I need a bigger place like yesterday. CS have stated that the best place for my eldest son is with me, his behaviour has become a problem since I left and his mom tried to kick him out. Anger is her reaction to everything and like I said me and her family are concerned about her frame of mind as her behaviour has become very off, its like she is self destructing and has no regards to how the people around her are affected. She has sought counsel with her mother and I have urged her to try and help her as much as she can just if anything to bring some calm to the situation whilst I get somewhere bigger. If she does not claim back some sort of reality, who knows what could happen.

My eldest has stated from day 1 that he wishes to live with me and my youngest started asking strange questions the weekend such as how would he get to school if he lived with me. He has always had the better relationship with his mom out of all the kids but the other 2 have stated that he is being pushed away too. He seems fairly resilient at the moment but CS said this could affect him later on, I'm not sure I agree on this but then again, if you would of told me 6 months ago my marriage and family would be in tatters I would not have believed you. I don't worry so much about him compared to the others but if push come to shove, I reckon he would follow his brother.

As for the new guy, yes I could look into paying for my own check if not just to have something on paper.

We have plenty like him in this country, what he is just confirms for me that its a rebound relationship. He is 34, no job, no car, was living with his mom paying no rent, talks ill of her, has a short fuse, sleeps all day, drinks/drugs all night, has done class A drugs, has the missing teeth to go with it. I mean the list goes on, he does not help with bills etc, that's how desperateshe is to not be alone, my wife is a very nice looking woman, all this would have been sooo much easier if she would have found someone stable to at least point her in the right direction.

If there were not kids involved, it would have been so much easier to just be NC and move on but its just an impossible situation right now.

 

I'm really sorry, I hope you find a bigger place you can afford asap and that your life, as well as the lives of your

children, can return to some point of normalcy quickly.

 

After the dust settles and you are in a more secure position, try to not worry about what she does,

whom she's with, etc. I know it's hard, no one likes to just stand by and watch anyone we one loved

and cared for self destruct, but we need to realize they are adults who make their own choices.

 

I hope your little one will be okay. He's seeing way too much, and it's very confusing.

Your other two are mentally able to process the situation with a bit more maturity.

I wish you all the very best. My thoughts are with you all. I've been through it, I

completely empathize with the emotional drain it's placing upon everyone.

[monsterdrinker]

Once loved does not describe how I feel about her, I love her dearly and I don't think that will ever go away although I wish it would.

When we first split and she got with this new guy, she was rubbing it in my face and I'll be honest, I have not felt pain like that since my mother passed. I would have taken her back just like that. But since the way myself and the kids have been treated by her the past few months I have seriously lost a lot of my feelings for her.

I think the issues for me have been on a psychological level.

It was all about making her happy, and her feelings so since the split it has been like my train of thought has been the same due to attachment. I have to get it into my thick skull that she is an adult and her actions/behaviour are nothing to do with me. I was always the fixer in the marriage, but once the kids get took out of it(however that happens) she will have to take accountability/responsibility for her own ****.

The situation is in the minds of everybody I know, I am sick to death of thinking/talking about it, it is very draining. The bad thing is, before the guy came along she did begin to make positive changes, looking for work etc to become independent. I honestly believed we would have time apart to work on ourselves before reconciling. Then some bomb went off somewhere along the lines and her mental health took a nosedive.

Her mom is trying to get me to talk to her, its like they want me to "fix" her but I refuse, she dug this hole not me. I have "fixed" her many times over the years but we are no longer together, I told her family that her mental health I their problem now and I'm only interested concerning the boys.

[SweetGirl28]

Once loved does not describe how I feel about her, I love her dearly and I don't think that will ever go away although I wish it would.

When we first split and she got with this new guy, she was rubbing it in my face and I'll be honest, I have not felt pain like that since my mother passed. I would have taken her back just like that. But since the way myself and the kids have been treated by her the past few months I have seriously lost a lot of my feelings for her.

I think the issues for me have been on a psychological level.

It was all about making her happy, and her feelings so since the split it has been like my train of thought has been the same due to attachment. I have to get it into my thick skull that she is an adult and her actions/behaviour are nothing to do with me. I was always the fixer in the marriage, but once the kids get took out of it(however that happens) she will have to take accountability/responsibility for her own ****.

The situation is in the minds of everybody I know, I am sick to death of thinking/talking about it, it is very draining. The bad thing is, before the guy came along she did begin to make positive changes, looking for work etc to become independent. I honestly believed we would have time apart to work on ourselves before reconciling. Then some bomb went off somewhere along the lines and her mental health took a nosedive.

Her mom is trying to get me to talk to her, its like they want me to "fix" her but I refuse, she dug this hole not me. I have "fixed" her many times over the years but we are no longer together, I told her family that her mental health I their problem now and I'm only interested concerning the boys.

 

You can't fix her. She had to want to help herself and care about her life, future, and choices.

This guy in all likelihood may just disappear one day. He is dysfunctional and a user, and if

she stops giving, he will look elsewhere to be provided for. That might wake her up one day.

It would be great to be the savior, but it just isn't possible. You cannot keep draining yourself

being concerned over her. Your only concern is the boys,and rightfully so. I'm sure it pains

her mom to see and hear what she's doing, but try to make everyone realize you need to

look out for yourself now. It's not selfish, nor should you feel guilty, I'm sure those thoughts creep up, but

the only way to progress is to keep distance.

[monsterdrinker]

Your right, she is not my problem anymore. I have told her family this. And i agree that distance is the best thing for me personally, so I'm just going to carry on as best I can.

Thanks.