Why wont he just let me be?

[Emma874]

I fell for my colleague 9 months ago and we nearly kissed but I stopped it because we were both in long term relationships (please dont judge me)

 

Fast forward to now - we have remained friends as it is impossible to avoid each other at work and we do care about each other. We have hung out outside of work a little over the past few months just going to the golf driving range, but he started texting more than normal so i pulled him up on it as i felt like the lines were becoming blurred. He said we turned away at the critical moment and things were working out with his girlfriend and he only sees me platonically, which i totally respect, but he also said that I am everything his girlfriend isnt but that people cant always live their lives with passion - which I thought was a really odd thing to say.

 

Anyway I was cool with it and I am still trying to work out if I want to continue my relationship with my partner (we have had problems way before my colleague) but I realised I do still have feelings for him so I backed off a bit. We had our Christmas party last Friday and stupidly I text him saying that and that I needed some time out. He was really nice about it and said he doesnt feel that way about me which is fine.

 

That was Friday. Sunday he text me early about the snow then we had a long conversation about nothing really. Then he initiated another conversation later in the day. Monday and Tuesday he text me at 9am just asking if I got into work because of the snow etc and starting conversation but he had no need as he could have just seen me at work. I am really trying hard not to read into it but the last time he text this much was when things nearly happened in March. I thought he got i needed space so I dont understand what he is playing at? Also I found out yesterday he has been looking at new houses with his girlfriend.

 

I feel like he is being quite insensitive to my feelings right now and I dont really understand why now he chooses to behave like this? Why wont he just let me be?

[westernsun2008]

Some people need outlets or just want the attention they don’t get at home. I think it best to ignore him and not let him into your life so much.

 

You aren’t really stopping his behavior by replying so he may not take you serious that you want space.

[DanZee]

Yeah, I was going to say something similar. When he texts you, keep your answers short and don't converse with him. He obviously has feelings for you and a lot of guys can't stop flirting even when they're in relationships. Also emotions are difficult to control and guys always seem to keep a girl on the side as a rebound if things go bad with their girlfriends. Just keep everything as professional as possible and hopefully he'll get the idea.

[willdation]

Sounds like you are a bit infatuated with him and he also with you. Pretending to be "friends" and texting will not help.....it's also not fair to your current partner....There is a girl at my work who perhaps would like to date me, but I honestly do not care because I am not looking for a relationship....so I keep my distance...even when I walk by she will call out my name and invite me out with her and her friends....but why would I if I am not into dating her? I could start texting her right now and talking about her day etc....but wouldn't that just give off the wrong signals?

 

It's perhaps best to just carry on with your life...try to fix whatever problems you have with your current partner and not have some other guy orbiting in your life.....I have been in a similar situation so I can relate....

 

I have lived in 3 different countries and now am in Europe and I can see this pattern everywhere, honestly....I meet a woman and she would like something on the side because there (get ready for the quote) is "a lack of passion" in what they have It is all the same.....Some just want the stability with what they have, but enjoy the thrill and passion or "honey-moon" phase....

[Keyman]

I'm not sure if continuing the text conversations is healthy considering the situation and as the others are saying he is using it as an outlet that he doesn't have with his current gf.

 

If you have asked him to stop conversing with you over text, and to back off, and he is not, the tell him straight up you will block his number if he continues. And then do it. If this continues, and he does not let you be, then a discussion with HR or your manager might be in order.

[Emma874]

Will, yes I think you are right, although sometimes I think it is more than infatuation, on my part at least. If I am truly honest with myself I text back because deep down I hope that maybe something will come of it, that maybe we are meant to be together and that we could be happy. I know I am romantisising the situation and that realistically he will most likely never leave his girlfriend and so I am just prolonging the hurt. I also know it isnt fair on either of our partners, I just can't seem to stay strong enough when he texts.

 

He knows how I feel and I try to get annoyed by him contacting me as I think he is being selfish trying to keep me in his life but I know I am selfish too so it is hard. I dont fall for people easily and I think that is why I am having trouble letting go

[Emma874]

I had a word with him.... basically it seems like at the time we nearly kissed in March he wasn't getting any.... he says he cares about me but I am not so sure anymore. I feel so stupid for thinking it could be something more. I don't even feel like our 'friendship' is genuine so I don't know why he continued to speak to me.

 

I don't think I can carry on anymore.... I don't want to be here :(

[SweetGirl28]

I had a word with him.... basically it seems like at the time we nearly kissed in March he wasn't getting any.... he says he cares about me but I am not so sure anymore. I feel so stupid for thinking it could be something more. I don't even feel like our 'friendship' is genuine so I don't know why he continued to speak to me.

 

I don't think I can carry on anymore.... I don't want to be here :(

 

It seems he keeps contact in hopes of reaching a FWB situation with you.

This way, he has the comfort and stability of his gf, and he can fill the missing

void of the passion with you. He's quite obviously attracted to you, but for the wrong reason.

Try to refocus your thoughts to knowing you are desirable, and then use that to get over this.

You don't want a guy who wants you for just your body. Which is highly likely here.

 

You wouldn't care so much if your relationship was fulfilling with your BF, so try to fix

the issues there, or leave and find someone who you feel better matched with.

 

This is why it's hard to be friends with someone you are attracted to.

[PICCOLLO]

If you were happy in your relationship then you wouldnt be having this inappropriate relationship. I’d start there. Might be tme to end things with your partner or invest more focus on them.

 

He doesnt seem that interested. He’s been pretty upfront by saying he just wanted sex.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to keep it very professional only, including not texting or calling outside of work. He's looking to cheat because he senses your crush. Block him rather than encourage him if he persists.

he also said that I am everything his girlfriend isnt but that people cant always live their lives with passion. I found out yesterday he has been looking at new houses with his girlfriend.

[Emma874]

Just an update here. I told him that day to stop messaging me and be mindful f how he is around me. Christmas was good and I felt better about things. Still confused about my partner but thinking clearer at least.

 

This week though I had to work quite closely with him and we were trying to fix something and needed to read the manual. We were both already sitting down and he told me to move my chair next to his so we could both read it and sat with our legs touching for a while. Nothing was said but is it weird that it happened at all or am I reading into nothing?

[Emma874]

Anyone out there?

[Jibralta]

We were both already sitting down and he told me to move my chair next to his so we could both read it and sat with our legs touching for a while. Nothing was said but is it weird that it happened at all or am I reading into nothing?

 

If my leg was touching my colleague's leg, I would move it, lest he get the wrong idea. You are still indecisive about your partner. Will you passively fall into something with your coworker, and have a decision made for you?

[Wiseman2]

Does he want someone to cheat with?

We were both already sitting down and he told me to move my chair next to his so we could both read it and sat with our legs touching for a while. Nothing was said but is it weird that it happened at all or am I reading into nothing?

[Emma874]

I dont think he does want someone to cheat with. Maybe he did last year but he has made it clear he wants to stay with his girlfriend. I wouldnt sit next to any of my other colleagues like that but at the time I figured we are just comfortable with each other. It wasnt until afterwards I started wondering if that is normal or not.

[DaisyMayPorter]

You know you should not be sitting next to him and yes it is inappropriate. Just try and stay away from him if you want this situation to be over.