My Bf slept with someone twice after we brok up. How should I handle it!?

[Bianca91]

Hi Everyone,

 

Backstory

My Bf (lets call him A) and I had dated for 4 years. When we first met I came out of a long-term relationship (lets call him B) where he had broke up with me and started sleeping with someone else soon after. B was my first love, so coming out of it I was distraught. I brought over those insecurities and distrust when I first started hanging out with A.

 

It was a tumultuous period. I would hang out with A but I used him as an emotional rebound. We started off as good friends but would occasionally make-out. The first time we kissed in a club I ran out crying as I was still hung up on B. On A's 21st birthday, he invited me and I stupidly took some other guy as my date. It was A and his mates, and me and this other guy I had met. A was disappointed. He saw me dance with him and later I went home with that guy and had a one-night stand. I didn't feel guilty as A and I weren't a couple.

 

Weeks after, A forgave me and we just hung out as friends. With time, we became f* buddies (something I've never done before). He would ask me to be his GF but I shut him down a couple of times. Afterwards, my feelings grew stronger for him so I said yes to being his GF. After that, we stayed together for 4 whole years. Those years however was not smooth sailing. We would occasionally fight, mostly due to my insecurities (my Dad had cheated on my mum and because of B). I also have had a really bad hormonal imbalance due to being on the pill. I had changed into a completely different person

 

My imbalance and past had made me moody certain times of the month. A is a personal trainer so I would always be jealous and hurt whenever he had brought up a female name! I'm so ashamed of that looking back. We would have big arguments and say to break up a number of times. We did break up once before but that lasted 2 weeks.

 

We decided to move in together because I told him I would change and won't be as distrustful. Moving in was great at the start. It seemed like we turned over a new leaf. I put everything into it. I cooked, cleaned and tried at times to control my hormones. But..it wasn't enough. We still had arguments over the same thing, me feeling jealous and him not putting in the effort in the relationship. I think he gave up due to my craziness.

 

Today

 

2.5 months ago A had broken up with me for good. 2 weeks prior to that, my Dad had sadly passed away. With that, my hormones, and our rocky past, things came crumbling down. He broke up with me saying that it was toxic and he didn't see a future with me. He was mature about it and I left and moved back with my mum. During the 1 month apart, I never heard from him and I started to work on myself. I have been working on re-balancing my hormones through my naturopath (I strated this 4 months ago to this day) and have discovered Law of Attraction. I really have changed within the last 2 months. I feel like my old self again where I was carefree, fun, humble, and loving. I even have this sense of trust for others now!

 

We didn't plan to get back together but 1 month after the breakup I scheduled a day to go over to A's apartment to collect my things. He instantly saw the change and missed me. When we sat down to talk, he looked really sad. He said he had something to tell me. He said he could see me happy and wished that he had made me that happy. He said I was so different he didn't even imagine I could change.

 

He confessed that a week prior, 3 weeks after the breakup, he slept with someone from the gym (a client). To paint a picture, this client had been more eager to pursue my BF I think even when we were together. She is 35 years old (10 years older than him) and she initiated to hang out when we broke up. He said he slept with her twice, and only found out that she was engaged to some guy. He looked distraught. A is really a good guy and it is not in his character to do something like this.

 

For this first 2 minutes I was stunned. I had a tear but withheld my irrational feelings. But I said to him with a smile, "ok great, lets get food then play basketball." He was confused and so was I. He wanted to kiss me then and there, which we later did. We are together now, but I haven't put a label on it. I feel I need time to make sure this positive mindset sticks and not to bring old habits into this relationship between A and I.

 

Question

 

My dilemma is, even though I know we were broken up which means he had the choice to do whatever he wanted, I need confirmation to tell me that he didn't do anything wrong. From time to time I get depressed about it (on my own, I don't let him see that) but I want to fight through it and be a realist rather than irrational. We only live one life and A and I never really had a proper good run with our relationship. When the times were good, they were good. Now with him knowing how life was without me, and me with my positive mindset, and my hormones 80% balanced (I'm so happy about the results I got from my naturopath!), I want to give it a final shot. What are your thoughts?

[SweetGirl28]

Sorry about your dad

Congrats on getting yourself into a healthy state!

 

He wasn't in the wrong, you were broken up.

You have to let the past go. This is another chance, a new beginning.

Don't let insecurities destroy it once again.

You either accept and leave it behind, or you don't pursue this any further.

It's common for an ex to have sex with someone else.

That's a chance you take by accepting them back into your life.

I don't know why he offered up the info without you asking, because I'd never ask.

I wouldn't want to know. Maybe he felt guilty, maybe he wanted to start again with honesty

just in case you were to ask. On the bright side, he didn't lie. That's a good trait.

[Bianca91]

Thank you for your insight. I have not told anyone about this, so I have been struggling internally on whether or not I am on the right path. Thank you once again

 

 

Sorry about your dad

Congrats on getting yourself into a healthy state!

 

He wasn't in the wrong, you were broken up.

You have to let the past go. This is another chance, a new beginning.

Don't let insecurities destroy it once again.

You either accept and leave it behind, or you don't pursue this any further.

It's common for an ex to have sex with someone else.

That's a chance you take by accepting them back into your life.

I don't know why he offered up the info without you asking, because I'd never ask.

I wouldn't want to know. Maybe he felt guilty, maybe he wanted to start again with honesty

just in case you were to ask. On the bright side, he didn't lie. That's a good trait.

[willdation]

I would not take a person back that goes right away and sleeps with someone else. I would prefer to not date someone very promiscuous and with more character, but that is just me I guess....

 

If you take him back, this won't be the last time you will have an argument and temporarily break up....

 

Same thing happened with my good girlfriend. She broke up with a guy, next week he takes a girl on a ski trip and hook up. He cried and promised he would never do that again. Fast forward 1 year later and they break up and the very next day he is in a restaurant making out with another girl....

[Andrina]

On again, off again relationships usually mean the relationship isn't meant to be. People who really care don't walk away. They stay and work on the issues. The only thing you can do is have a wait and see, day by day attitude if you want to give it a go. Crystal balls don't work so time will tell.

[j.man]

The hell is a naturopath?

[Sportster2005]

Hi Everyone,

 

 

 

Question

 

My dilemma is, even though I know we were broken up which means he had the choice to do whatever he wanted, I need confirmation to tell me that he didn't do anything wrong. From time to time I get depressed about it (on my own, I don't let him see that) but I want to fight through it and be a realist rather than irrational. We only live one life and A and I never really had a proper good run with our relationship. When the times were good, they were good. Now with him knowing how life was without me, and me with my positive mindset, and my hormones 80% balanced (I'm so happy about the results I got from my naturopath!), I want to give it a final shot. What are your thoughts?

 

Regardless if you were broken up, it is bothering you. No one can, or should, tell you how to feel. Did or didn't do anything wrong, is not the point. How you feel about it is. Perhaps you should consider moving on.

[abitbroken]

I would not not not just stay together with him. One month is not enough time to realize why you broke up and make changes. Don't be so fast to take him back. You never dealt with your past breakup and went right to him from guy to guy.

 

Also, if you are going to a naturopath because of your "past" - you need a pyschotherapist, not an herb dispenser. You also need an ob gyn. How do you really know if your hormones are "in balance" if you aren't seeing a gyno to have tests, etc. If you think they are balanced based on your moods - then you are not knowing the full story. I also think if you are having a bad reaction to the pill than get off of it, practice abstinence until you can come up with a different method and avoid all your fertile period if the pill turns you into a nightmare.

[smackie9]

You are taking a guy back, that turned his back on you when you needed him the most. Instead of supporting you, he went out and had sex with other women, all the while you emotionally suffered. A man worth keeping is a man that will stand by your side in time of trouble. Stop blaming yourself...you didn't ask for your father to pass away, you were grieving, and it was a terrible time for you. No he is not worth another chance....how could you ever trust him, if tragedy strikes again in your life? He's a jerk in my books.