We´ve dated now he wants to be friends

[whoahun]

Hi everybody.

 

I´m here because i need some insight from people who are not my friends and family and can be completely honest with me.

 

So I´ve dated this guy for month and half. We had perfect chemistry, we understood each other without saying a word. We were just on the same page. I wasn´t the one who initiated the contact all the time. He was. He wrote me for hours and I was a little bit distant from the beginning because I couldn´t trust men (bad experiences). But his attitude, actions and tenderness changed my mind and I fell in love with him quickly.

 

One day I found out that he´s out of the previous relationship for two months only (his girlfriend broke up with him because she cheated on him, they were together for 1 year and planned to move together to different city…). I was afraid that I´m probably a rebound so two weeks ago we have talked about it and he admitted that he´s over it.

 

Last Friday (week ago) we spent together, had a great time. He was so caring and tender and sweet to me. We kissed and I couldn´t wait till Monday. We planned to spend whole day on the trip. But on Sunday he didn´t write me a single thing (he always did) and then on Monday he contacted me via Facebook in the afternoon! that he´s probably ill.

I was pretty upset but I only wrote that he should inform me earlier.

 

So on Tuesday of radio silence I was kind of desperate and I apologized for being annoying. Then he wrote me that he is not sure if I´m ready for serious relationship (?) I didn´t realize it might be only his way to change the topic and I wrote him a long description of why i think I´m ready for the relationship and what exactly I´m looking for in my future partner.

 

He wrote me that he´s grateful for this message and then- day of silence again.

 

On Wednesday he wrote me that he is probably not ready for a serious relationship right now. That there are many things (healthy issues, family problems, he´s not over the ex yet ? I don´t know I guess) and that he think it would be better for us.

He wrote me that he wants to continue with our meeting and being friends. What is unbelievable to me- he couldn´t pretend all of it. I know I´ve been clingy last week. But he didn´t tresat me like a friend or friend with benefits at all. He also said it´s probably on it´s best way to the relationship.

 

I was able to answer two days after that- I respect it. And we´ll maybe meet someday or not-…No response…

 

I´m on NO contact right now. I wonder if he will contact me during this period, forget me or if he left me via Facebook messages for good because I wasn´t that attractive to him (I´m exactly his type).

 

 

 

Please- give me some advices what do do. Am I naive if I think I made so good impression during short time we were together that he might get back to me?

 

 

 

I´m really broken.

[rosephase]

This guy is clearly telling you that he isn't ready for a relationship. Believe him.

 

What is up with your attachment? Why are you thinking about marriage 1.5 months into seeing him? You need to slow down.

[whoahun]

I believe him. But I´m curious if it can be something serious after a while when I give him space, don´t be pushy, don´t contact him and he will solve all the problems he is facing at the moment.

 

I thought about a marriage because I´m in love...So I know it´s soon and I never mentioned this or I would never want a guy to marry me in few months and so. But just strong feelings and I never met anyone like him before.

[Andrina]

If you feel broken after spending 45 days with a guy, then yes, you're not ready to be in a relationship, especially when you've hoped for marriage with a guy you didn't really know. It takes a minimum of a year to get to know how a guy will treat you over the long term, and if you're compatible.

 

What should you do? Stay no contact and work on yourself to be happy solo before dating again. That means hanging out with girlfriends, get a new hobby if you don't have one. If you're in college, concentrate on your education. Read books and articles on how to improve your self esteem. Don't date until you achieve an independent life without a man, so that when you do date and it doesn't work out, you will feel the normal feelings of being upset, but you won't feel broken. And don't lug around heavy baggage from the past. It's a barrier to new relationships and can be the cause of a relationships demise. Nobody wants to pay for the crime someone else committed.

 

The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and if that's not good enough for a guy, you move on and keep trucking until you meet the one who sticks around. Good luck.

[whoahun]

I´ve dated many guys this year. Few of them seemed to be interested in me but they didn´t put as much into it as my last ONE. So I wasn´t broken at all. I never met somebody so sensitive (man) but so attractive. So honest and kind and everything. It´s hard to describe it in few lines. My sixth sense tells me that if there were no obstacles then nobody and nothing would ruined it. Maybe I´m totally naive but I´m intelligent enough to recognize if somebody spent his time with me because of boredom or because we really had the spark. But timing is not good for us.

[Ziggy123]

Yeah sounds like he isn't ready yet. Maybe better to find someone who wants something serious like you do. If you keep talking to him I can see it becoming a friends with benefits situation and you could get hurt.

[whoahun]

Ziggy123- I don´t want to talk to him as I know it would hurt som much. If he writes I don´t know what to do. Probably nothing. Until he changes his mind or will be ready for something more. If not I will simply move on.

[Pleasedonot5]

This hurts. Just when you were given hope that you'd found something special, it turns out he's not in it. Ouch.

 

Best thing to do is not to contact him. You're hurt so keep your distance. If you want to get back eventually, you can leave that on the table, but if/until he wants to reconcile, you should remain in no contact.

[Andrina]

"I never met somebody so sensitive (man) but so attractive. So honest and kind and everything."

 

Mostly everyone is at their best and extraordinary in the beginning highs of a relationship. Reality doesn't kick in until the 4 to 6 month mark, and this dating relationship couldn't even make it that far. I remember early on in a dating relationship writing to a guy that I thought men like him only existed in fairy tales. By the time it ended a year later, I thought of him as a con artist weasel. Realize that at the beginning, you're seeing someone through rose colored glasses and only after you get past hormones going crazy in a brand new relationship, will the real person emerge. You were infatuated with a fantasy. If he dumped you so quickly once, he'd likely do it again as past history often repeats. It's best if you don't hope for anything with him, as it will prevent closure.

[Hollyj]

You are not his type, or he would not have dumped you. Sorry. He was making excuses. If he was into you, he would not have let you go. It's over.

 

You need to go NC, as you cannot be friends when there are feelings. I strongly suggest you block, so that there is no temptation.

 

Do not ever wait for someone to choose you. I agree with the above poster: if you agree to be friends, you will become his FWB. You will worse than you do now.

 

Cut him off!

[halfinhalfout]

I believe him. But I´m curious if it can be something serious after a while when I give him space, don´t be pushy, don´t contact him and he will solve all the problems he is facing at the moment.

 

I thought about a marriage because I´m in love...So I know it´s soon and I never mentioned this or I would never want a guy to marry me in few months and so. But just strong feelings and I never met anyone like him before.

 

Clearly this boy is very confused. I really don't like how he made the absurdly stupid accusation that you aren't ready for a relationship. And then followed that up by saying HE isn't ready!!! That's a jerk move and clearly shows his lack of maturity. I would think twice about wanting to be with someone who is ready to point the finger at you when clearly he has issues of his own.

 

I'm going through something similar in that regard. Getting over this guy has been hell. BUT I'm upset that I lost the fantasy of who I thought he was. You have to take people at face value. You seem like a very kind and empathetic person so of course you're seeing the very best in him (as I'm sure you do with all people in your life). But if he doesn't want a relationship with you, how great could he really be? Clearly he is missing out on someone who is thoughtful, articulate. And ready to give and receive real love. He's not. And that sucks for him but it's not your problem anymore. Thank god it's over now so you can go find someone even better than him!! There are PLENTY of guys out there who are ready for a relationship with you. You just have to let go of this one to make space in your life for the next one.

 

It sounds like being friends with this guy would continue to provide you with hope. You need to squash that hope in order to get over him. So you have a very interesting choice to make! Let go of a person who clearly has issues, isn't as awesome as you thought, and is not even close to being ready for a relationship OR go find someone who is.

[DaisyMayPorter]

You're totally putting yourself down when you are saying you "aren't that attractive to him" and you "aren't his type" - why are you giving him all the power and putting yourself down? Maybe he's just an idiot. You have to learn to be nicer to yourself, and learn to love yourself, then you can finally find a healthy relationship.

[No1]

OP, leave him alone. I say this because the more you reach out asking about the relationship, the further he will back away. At a month and a half of dating, It didn't work out. That's the only reason that you need. Not over the X, not ready for a relationship, I have to get my life in order, I don't know what I want, and so on are excuses. Regardless if they are true, lies, valid or invalid reasons, the current situation says It didn't work out.

What you do is let him go and leave him alone. This will do several things. 1. This will let him see a life without you. If you don't hear from him then you know that he is not interested in you. 2. Gives you time to step back from the relationship and think.. 'does this relationship really have to be this hard?' 3. Gives you both room to do what you want. He knows you want to be with him, its up to him to pursue you.

 

Oh, if you don't want to be his friend, then don't be his friend. If you do want to be his friend or pretend to be his friend in hopes he sees you as GF material again. You are asking for trouble. What if he meets the girl of his dreams and tells you all about it because you two are friends? Are you prepared to hear that?

[whoahun]

No1- I know I know I know- But- till Monday everything was great. And he spoke to our mutual friend about me after this happened. And this friend told me that is visible he is in love with me.

Why he offered me friendship then?

 

Next thing- I have some of his clothes in my place and I didn´t contact him because of it because I expect him to ask me for it. Otherwise I´ll send it by our friend.

[MissCanuck]

Your friend isn't inside his mind, OP. She/he cannot possibly ascertain whether or not this guy is in love with you. Only he can do that.

 

Like the others said, I would let this one go. A month and a half only gives you a very small glimpse into who a person really is; you fell in love with the idea of him and what you'd hoped this would develop into, but given you don't know him that well, you are not in love with him as a person yet. That doesn't mean you didn't like him a lot; clearly, you did. But I think you pinned an awful lot of hopes on someone you don't actually know that well. That might be where you need to reflect, so you can keep healthy perspective the next time you start dating someone.

 

I'm sorry, as I know it's hurtful. But if he had a change heart, it is much better that you learned that now rather than months down the line. Give his belongings to your friend to return to him. Seeing him will be too painful and confusing for you right now.