University freshers fling?

[sbxoxo]

Hey there!

Thank you so much for reading this. I just REALLY need advice as it's SERIOUSLY affecting MY LIFE

 

Soooo on the second night of fresher's I had sex with a guy I barely knew, I literally met him that night. Of course I had no expectations after that, but as every story goes "there was just something about him", I had a really good time and his genuine kindness shocked me and I wanted to continue seeing him.

 

The next day, we hooked up again - although it happened naturally we didn't plan it, it really wasn't intended but I had a feeling it was going to happen again when he invited me to a house party at his. The time after that, it also happened naturally and by that point I was beginning to develop a crush or really have feelings for him. Obviously, it messed things up because we went out grocery shopping and we talked about our lives/family and it was cute, we were holding hands and he kissed me in public and it was all just so CONFUSING. He said he would be affected if I cut him out or went with another guy as well.

 

The fourth time, he hit me up and I went to his again. The last 3 times, I requested sex basically.

 

This has been going on since SEPTEMBER (SO 4 MONTHS) The problem is, because I'm an anxious wreck I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. And I have barely been able to stop since the beginning of university, since I slept with him...the thing is, every time we sleep together he never messages me after. But during it he seems so caring and so into me, it's so confusing. Also, when I went clubbing last week- he literally spent the whole night making out with me when I bumped into him accidently even though we had had sex earlier that day ???? He really didn't have to do that, and plus he was with his friends?? So his friends know about me now. Honestly, does he care or is he just showing off?

 

Surely if he was just using me for sex than he wouldn't kiss me in public?

 

We were so close in the beginning, he actually cared about my feelings, and we talked about them together and life, last time we had sex he told me I was the only girl he had had sex with at uni and i'm not really sure why he told me that? He said he didn't want a relationship in the first year and neither do I, so why have we just stopped being friends if that's what we defined ourselves as, we said ,we weren't using each other, but our relationship just turned into sex. Now I just feel like an object to him, and I feel like crying constantly and I have so much anxiety about seeing him around campus, like I want to bump into him, but when I do - I have a few times and I have awkwardly just said hey, because i was usually in a rush to go somewhere else? I honestly have no life!! Have so much anxiety about it, constantly thinking about him. I need to join a society and spice my life up.

 

HE USED ME DIDN'T HE? HONEST OPINIONS PLS

 

We had so much in common ughhh fml i got freaked out and started acting a bit IFFY because I felt like we were turning into a relationship, and that's when i back away as well. I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY EX OVER THE SUMMER???

 

Another sad thing, which is probably linked to my anxiety is that i have been finding it so difficult to say no - so i've been finding myself in positions with guys that i don't want to be in, i let it get way too far. I hooked up with someone else, but the guy doesn't know...but hooking up with this other person made me realise how i don't want to be having sex with guys and feel used, and that the other guy was better? I am just so confused...

 

FML

[j.man]

Well you write too well to be an inanimate object and you don't seem to lack mental capacity, so I'd have to say no, you weren't used. You had sex the first night you met him and, while there's nothing wrong with that, it doesn't exactly set the strongest of precedents.

 

Before you start getting it in your head that you're being used by these men, I'd reflect on why you say "yes" when you claim to not want to. If you're paying for university, there should be a number of free counseling services available. It's important to get started on the right foot in college and you're really not doing your personal or academic life any favors carrying on with this sense of helplessness.

[mustlovedogs]

He didn’t use you. You both wanted sex and you got it.

[firelily]

Surely if he was just using me for sex than he wouldn't kiss me in public?

 

Why? Kissing in the public is not a sign of commitment. Kissing someone at a party is totally a sexual thing to do, and someone who's just a hookup can do that as well. I think.

 

He said he didn't want a relationship in the first year and neither do I

 

So basically, you were hooking up. You were having a casual consensual sex and everybody agreed to that on this terms.

 

HE USED ME DIDN'T HE?

 

From what you say, you both agreed to have casual sex, this is what he provided, so no, he didn't used you emotionally.

You may not like that it didn't turn into a relationship, but that's something you are both equally responsible for, you both knowingly chose to be casual.

 

our relationship just turned into sex. Now I just feel like an object to him

 

The other way round - your thing started with sex (sex was literally the first thing you did) and it turned into something a bit more emotionally involved. You had no prior relationship before your casual setup.

 

We were so close in the beginning, he actually cared about my feelings

 

From what you wrote, he was into you sexually - hooking up, kissing you, not so much texting you in between. He wasn't a jerk, luckily, and was nice to you when you spent time together - I think this is what you expect from a decent hookup. To make you a coffee and have a decent conversation.

 

You were his first hookup since he started studying. He was happy that he could get together with a girl like you. But he said he didn't want to have a relationship with you. He just started studying and probably is interested in casual sex for some time before he commits to one person.

 

But if you really like him - not just the idea of him - maybe get in touch with him, ask him out to a non-sex date in a cafe, just to talk. Hang out with him for some time, without sex, and then ask if he is interested in the idea of normal exclusive dating. He probably isn't, but it's better to just ask than to be an "anxious wreck" for another couple of months.

 

Have so much anxiety about it, constantly thinking about him. I need to join a society and spice my life up.

 

Yes, I think so! You just started such an interesting chapter of your life. You will meet so many interesting people, men and women. You can grow academically, develop new interests, find new groups of friends. These are amazing things to do with life when you're 20. And if you're life is full of joy, you won't have time to think about him.

 

We had so much in common ughhh fml i got freaked out and started acting a bit IFFY because I felt like we were turning into a relationship, and that's when i back away as well. I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY EX OVER THE SUMMER???

 

So you were in no shape for a relationship. You were scared of getting in a relationship with him. No one to blame. And it's ok - probably you didn't have any special connection yet, you had no reason to want to be with him, other than him being nice (but, believe me, you will meet many nice men, so being nice should not be your only condition). If you felt like you didn't want to be with him, why do you think you do now? After not being close with him for some time?

 

Another sad thing, which is probably linked to my anxiety is that i have been finding it so difficult to say no - so i've been finding myself in positions with guys that i don't want to be in, i let it get way too far. I hooked up with someone else, but the guy doesn't know...but hooking up with this other person made me realise how i don't want to be having sex with guys and feel used, and that the other guy was better? I am just so confused...

 

So please don't be doing that to yourself! You shouldn't be hooking up with people you barely know just because you are in uni. This is not a lifestyle for everybody and clearly is not something that is good for you, not at this point of life. Casual sex is hurting you, because you're really looking for a friend, an emotional connection, and get disappointed. One time hookups on parties are for people who see each other as sexual objects. If this isn't something that you want, if this is something that is hurting you, please stay away from that.

 

Maybe you need more time to regenerate after the breakup. And this huge life change. Give yourself time, stay single, don't hookup or makeout with guys. Find a really good friend to talk on uni, because this is what you may need right now. Someone who would care about your feelings.

 

And one day you may be ready for a relationship or whatever you will look for. Right now you need to take care of yourself more emotionally. Maybe there is some counselling option your university provides for students? Or you have a free medical care that would cover that? Maybe that would help you to heal your anxiety and stop "being a wreck" faster. It's a scary feeling to be emotionally out of shape and you shouldn't be in that place.

 

Take care!

[Capricorn3]

HE USED ME DIDN'T HE? HONEST OPINIONS PLS

 

Honest opinion? NO. These guys aren't using you at all. YOU are giving willingly. You need to learn some self-control and not jump from one guy to the other every couple of days, or weeks etc. Be careful too, as people notice this, word spreads, and before long you'll have a reputation you really don't want.

[Jibralta]

Before you start getting it in your head that you're being used by these men, I'd reflect on why you say "yes" when you claim to not want to.

 

sbxoxo -- this is a very good point. Have you thought about this at all?

[Pleasedonot5]

You want a relationship... So why are you settling for less?

[MissCanuck]

You were not used, OP. You were an active and willing participant.

 

I also agree with the other poster who pointed out that your relationship didn't turn into just sex; that's how it started and it continued in the same vein. Your emotions got involved, yes, but it wasn't a relationship to begin with.

 

I would learn to say no and mean no when you don't want something only sexual.

[superfan]

You need to cut contact with this guy (and every guy) and work on yourself and your self esteem. You seem to be sleeping with men in the hopes of being validated in some way. When that doesn't happen you assume you were used.

 

It sounds like he was upfront with you about it being a hookup and you on the other hand seemed to feel that there was something more going on. It's unfortunate that you developed feelings that weren't reciprocated, but that's life. Maybe not jumping in so physically at the beginning would be a good start.

 

Spend some time alone. Work on yourself. Ask yourself if you really like HIM or the idea of him. Speak to a counsellor (I am sure the University will have them there).

[sbxoxo]

thanks everyone for your responses!

[sbxoxo]

Why? Kissing in the public is not a sign of commitment. Kissing someone at a party is totally a sexual thing to do, and someone who's just a hookup can do that as well. I think.

 

 

 

So basically, you were hooking up. You were having a casual consensual sex and everybody agreed to that on this terms.

 

 

 

From what you say, you both agreed to have casual sex, this is what he provided, so no, he didn't used you emotionally.

You may not like that it didn't turn into a relationship, but that's something you are both equally responsible for, you both knowingly chose to be casual.

 

 

 

The other way round - your thing started with sex (sex was literally the first thing you did) and it turned into something a bit more emotionally involved. You had no prior relationship before your casual setup.

 

 

 

From what you wrote, he was into you sexually - hooking up, kissing you, not so much texting you in between. He wasn't a jerk, luckily, and was nice to you when you spent time together - I think this is what you expect from a decent hookup. To make you a coffee and have a decent conversation.

 

You were his first hookup since he started studying. He was happy that he could get together with a girl like you. But he said he didn't want to have a relationship with you. He just started studying and probably is interested in casual sex for some time before he commits to one person.

 

But if you really like him - not just the idea of him - maybe get in touch with him, ask him out to a non-sex date in a cafe, just to talk. Hang out with him for some time, without sex, and then ask if he is interested in the idea of normal exclusive dating. He probably isn't, but it's better to just ask than to be an "anxious wreck" for another couple of months.

 

 

 

Yes, I think so! You just started such an interesting chapter of your life. You will meet so many interesting people, men and women. You can grow academically, develop new interests, find new groups of friends. These are amazing things to do with life when you're 20. And if you're life is full of joy, you won't have time to think about him.

 

 

 

So you were in no shape for a relationship. You were scared of getting in a relationship with him. No one to blame. And it's ok - probably you didn't have any special connection yet, you had no reason to want to be with him, other than him being nice (but, believe me, you will meet many nice men, so being nice should not be your only condition). If you felt like you didn't want to be with him, why do you think you do now? After not being close with him for some time?

 

 

 

So please don't be doing that to yourself! You shouldn't be hooking up with people you barely know just because you are in uni. This is not a lifestyle for everybody and clearly is not something that is good for you, not at this point of life. Casual sex is hurting you, because you're really looking for a friend, an emotional connection, and get disappointed. One time hookups on parties are for people who see each other as sexual objects. If this isn't something that you want, if this is something that is hurting you, please stay away from that.

 

Maybe you need more time to regenerate after the breakup. And this huge life change. Give yourself time, stay single, don't hookup or makeout with guys. Find a really good friend to talk on uni, because this is what you may need right now. Someone who would care about your feelings.

 

And one day you may be ready for a relationship or whatever you will look for. Right now you need to take care of yourself more emotionally. Maybe there is some counselling option your university provides for students? Or you have a free medical care that would cover that? Maybe that would help you to heal your anxiety and stop "being a wreck" faster. It's a scary feeling to be emotionally out of shape and you shouldn't be in that place.

 

Take care!

WOW thanks a lot. You've made me realise so much about how I just need a really good friend to talk to, I have moved quite far from home. I have made a friend but she is very much into hooking up with guys and that (it's totally fine if you're comfortable with it) but i'm NOT okay with it & it's affecting me massively, to the point where I feel ashamed and unable to cope. I'm not even going to make out with guys or anything like that, thank you so much for your wisdom. It's just one of those times where you suddenly have all this freedom. Had never been clubbing before that or anything. Anyhow, I'm definitely going to work on myself now. I'm so glad I posted on here. I'm definitely going to stop seeking validation from guys and take this time to regenerate, stay single & rebuild my confidence/myself & also join societies to keep myself as busy as I can next year. I've also applied for counselling to help with my anxiety

 

Thank you again for your kindness, just what I needed x

[sbxoxo]

sbxoxo -- this is a very good point. Have you thought about this at all?

 

 

I don't know why I think it's related to some kind of shame I feel so I tend to blame them instead of processing the fact that I willingly consented

[Jibralta]

I don't know why I think it's related to some kind of shame I feel so I tend to blame them instead of processing the fact that I willingly consented

 

In a weird way, that makes sense. But you will simplify things for yourself when you don't consent in the first place. I'm sure you realize that. So chalk this up to a learning experience and move forward.

[sbxoxo]

Well you write too well to be an inanimate object and you don't seem to lack mental capacity, so I'd have to say no, you weren't used. You had sex the first night you met him and, while there's nothing wrong with that, it doesn't exactly set the strongest of precedents.

 

Before you start getting it in your head that you're being used by these men, I'd reflect on why you say "yes" when you claim to not want to. If you're paying for university, there should be a number of free counseling services available. It's important to get started on the right foot in college and you're really not doing your personal or academic life any favors carrying on with this sense of helplessness.

 

 

Thanks for your honest comment and for complimenting my writing, I agree that I do not lack mental capacity. I would also agree in that I was not used, perhaps it felt that way because I expected more. I have applied for counselling.

[firelily]

Thanks! Glad I could be of any help

 

but i'm NOT okay with it & it's affecting me massively, to the point where I feel ashamed and unable to cope.

 

I don't know why I think it's related to some kind of shame I feel so I tend to blame them instead of processing the fact that I willingly consented

 

I think I know this feeling. Once a guy nagged me for sex and I fell in love with him instead. He was actually clear about his intentions, but somehow I let myself imagine he liked me. He knew very well I started to like him but he enjoyed it because it make me easier to score. After I saw things clearly, I was a mess, because on one side, he could have acted less egoistically, but on the other, I was the one sending valentine cards to a guy who did nothing nice for me, just offered me sex - nobody encouraged me to do that, it was my own crazy idea. I was the one that allowed myself to get used here and on some level I knew all along he treated me just like a sexual object, I just didn't listen to myself. It was pretty hard to deal with that. I felt shameful, damaged on some intimate place. Masochistically repeating to myself I was worthless because of that, that I deserve some punishment for tainting my purity. I disliked myself for the part I played in it. And when I thought about the part he played in it, I felt very angry, used, and dramatically helpless.

 

But what I didn't know is that it is not possible to taint somebody for good. I felt dirty, but this dirt can be easily washed off, it didn't stay with me. In a year or so I absolutely didn't feel that way about myself, it was just a dark year that I left behind, and it taught me some really valuable lessons that helped me to become a wiser, stronger person. The experience I got from this helped me in other areas of life where I lacked self-respect before. At first I thought I would need to go to a priest or something to forgive myself for doing this damage to myself. But some time passed, I had nothing to forgive myself. I was only being young and human, and the important part is, it eventually served me well.

 

And I think lots and lots of people have things like that. People make mistakes, decisions they regret later. Sometimes they take these decisions actively, sometimes more passively. But that doesn't make them worthless. These dark months or years are an inevitable part of life. And especially in vulnerable times, after some trauma, in stress, or around big life changes, people are more vulnerable to getting themselves in trouble. But nothing you did was that awful or irreversible. You didn't get pregnant, you didn't get STD. You only put your emotional health in danger, but that is something that can be completely healed. The important part is what you do with this experience. Cause some people don't ever reflect on themselves and this is really sad. You reflect on yourself so much right now, you internalize this stuff so much that it is extremely painful, but it can actually help you grow. In some time, you may remember that time of your life as a trigger for your growing in this area and others, as you will be more self-aware and assertive about your needs. So this can be actually a good thing, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

 

And I'm very proud of you for applying to counselling! Processing all that with a good counsellor can help you to grow healthier boundaries and that will be very useful in so many situations in life.

 

And remember, you are not alone in this, we all wish we were smarter about something in the past. That is what wisdom is - knowing you could have done something differently. We're all like bikes... sometimes we ride through the flower fields, sometimes our wheels get dirty in the mud, but then we ride through the puddle and it gets washed, and we get to the solid ground, and our wheels get clean and dry again. And the journey is absolutely worth it, with all these phases.

 

Just always love yourself No matter what.