Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 I been with my girlfriend/fiancé for over 4 years now, we got engaged last year and been living together over two. Her ex been contacting her for a 6 months now on and off and they haven’t been together over 8 years now, he cheated on her with his former wife and have kids together. He wants to go out for lunch or dinner with my girlfriend sometime. My girlfriend wants to go and she said that they are only friends and she wants me to go also, but is just going to be him with out his family.... I told my girlfriend that I don’t feel comfortable her talking to him and I don’t wanna meet him if his family is not there also. She says it would be Awkward to have his wife there wish he cheated on my girlfriend with... I said is more awkward that she wants to meet him with out his family and just the 3 of us... She insists they are just friends... my thing is why is she still friends with this guy that cheated on her and wants me to meet him , makes no sense and she knows I’m not comfortable Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 If it's awkward to have the wife there, then why is it not awkward to meet up with him? He is the one that cheated on her. That makes no sense!!! I agree. It doesn't make sense. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 Sorry I'm a little confused who has kids together? Your gf with her ex or her ex with his current wife? Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 Sorry, The ex boyfriend has kids with the woman he cheated on my girlfriend Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 So my point is... why should I meet this guy. Is she still having feelings for him? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 OK, so your gf really has absolutely no reason to suddenly have this great friendship with him. I mean they have been apart for 8 years, he suddenly surfaces back into her life just 6 months ago and now wants to take her to dinner and he is a cheater......ugh..... That's certainly a "high quality" friend to maintain in one's life...... I would have a very firm discussion with her about boundaries in your relationship. As in if she feels that this person with these kinds of values is of such serious importance to her, that's fine. She is welcome to pursue that friendship to her heart's desire. However, you have higher standards and expectations and will need to reconsider just how compatible the two of you really are because the friends she chooses is really a reflection of her and her own internal values. Mind you, in my opinion there is absolutely nothing wrong and in fact good to have opposite sex friendships, provided they are genuinely platonic and quality people. Not ex's with cheating propensities orbiting around. The latter doesn't qualify as friendship in my book. Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 Thank you!!! Why should I meet him and expecialy with out his wife... if I’m gonna meet this guy I wanna meet his family. But my girlfriend is mad that I won’t go Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 Married couples don't go and have lunch with one person's exes without the family. She knows you will say, "no", so she can weasel into getting you to go by herself. I would tell her that you don't believe in being friends with cheaters regardless who they are, and if she feels that their friendship is more important than your boundaries, tell her to get packing. No need to catch up. Either she has moved on or she hasn't. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 Thank you!!! Why should I meet him and expecialy with out his wife... if I’m gonna meet this guy I wanna meet his family. But my girlfriend is mad that I won’t go Perhaps she wants you to go to essentially show off in front of her ex as a big eff you kind of a thing. However, if she is telling you that this is now such an important friendship for her....I'd have a serious problem with that. In your shoes, I'd go this one time if that will put whatever her past demons to rest once and for all. However, if she continues to pursue this friendship with him, I would totally have the convo above with her about that and put my foot down on this charade one way or another. Link to comment
DanZee Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 I think she just wants to see him after all this time. You always have feelings for someone you were close with, even if he cheated on you. What's interesting is that she doesn't want to sneak off and do it. She wants you there so you can see she's not doing anything bad, and also you being there keeps the boyfriend from saying or doing anything inappropriate. Now, he may be sneaking off on his wife to meet with you, but that's his problem. I know you feel uncomfortable, but you would feel worse if you found out she had snuck off to see him. Of course, I would be wary, but why not discuss it with your wife instead of just shooting down the idea. You don't want to give her a reason to sneak off on you. Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 Honestly this is draining me out of this relationship lately, already told her if she wants to go and is the right choice for her ... go with out me... Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 Honestly I forgot to post that she glows every time he texted her , I seen the difference on her... Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 But why without his family Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 Dazed... I already discuss with her so many times about it, and already told her if he means so much to her , she should go by her self ... unless his family is there and I will go along.... but no family, no me there and then we will see... Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 I’m about to call him up and say where is ur dignity r high quality and tell him I’m going to contact his wife or just leave to wear they r going to meet and put up with his wife Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 I’m about to call him up and say where is ur dignity r high quality and tell him I’m going to contact his wife or just leave to wear they r going to meet and put up with his wife Oh please do not do this and get into some p..ing match with this dude. Please save your dignity. He isn't the problem here, your gf/fiance is. Deal with her and yes, tell her that either she respects your relationship or she can hit the road. Link to comment
Joao76 Posted December 5, 2017 Author Share Posted December 5, 2017 Oh please do not do this and get into some p..ing match with this dude. Please save your dignity. He isn't the problem here, your gf/fiance is. Deal with her and yes, tell her that either she respects your relationship or she can hit the road. I don’t know what to do, besides dumping her Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 The answer should be is that she cannot see him without you being present. You are shooting yourself in the foot by telling her she can see him one on one and alone. Honestly, i think the BEST thing for you is to forbid this friendship. Tell her its you or him - that you don't think its appropriate for a soon to be married woman to have a friendship with a man whose marriage she had no regard for and had an affair with. She is asking you to meet him so you will be okay with this friendship and i think you need to make it clear that it is not ok. If you go meet him, odds are that he will cancel at the last minute because he doesn't want to meet you. Do you think she has cold feet ? and that is why she is trying to have a relationship with him. Be aware - she has already shown that she does not honor marraiges by being a mistress. To me, including him in your lives is a way of disrespecting yours. Yes, you should want the wife there too - to see if she approves - but i doubt that she does. You should not tell her that she can see him without you - because she will - explain to her that he is NOT her friend - he is a former lover and you will not allow it. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 I don’t know what to do, besides dumping her First thing is take a deep breath and calm down. Second, as we have already said, communicate and tell her clearly and directly where you stand on this and then let her make her choice. What I mean is do not talk out of both sides of your mouth in terms of telling her to go to this dinner by herself, but then you aren't happy, but then she should just go, etc. Be honest and straight up upfront that maintaining a cheating ex as a friend is a problem for you and will cause you to re-evaluate this relationship and engagement. If this dinner is so important to her that she is willing to create this wedge between you and her, that's her call, but it does mean that she shouldn't come back to you after her outing. Then sit back and see what she decides to do and go from there. All I'm going to tell you is don't make empty threats about ending things. If she goes, you really do end it with her and that's that. Meanwhile, don't jump the gun. Give her a chance to sort this out. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 I don’t know what to do, besides dumping her I'd dump her. But tell her one last time -how would she feel if you had an affair with a married woman and just before your wedding day, you insisted that you be friends with her.? Honestly, she has no healthy sense of boundaries at all. I would never date someone who knowingly violated someome else's marriage period. She is showing that she still doesn't care. I think i'd go out and find a woman who doesn't entertain this nonsense. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 First thing is take a deep breath and calm down. Second, as we have already said, communicate and tell her clearly and directly where you stand on this and then let her make her choice. What I mean is do not talk out of both sides of your mouth in terms of telling her to go to this dinner by herself, but then you aren't happy, but then she should just go, etc. Be honest and straight up upfront that maintaining a cheating ex as a friend is a problem for you and will cause you to re-evaluate this relationship and engagement. If this dinner is so important to her that she is willing to create this wedge between you and her, that's her call, but it does mean that she shouldn't come back to you after her outing. Then sit back and see what she decides to do and go from there. All I'm going to tell you is don't make empty threats about ending things. If she goes, you really do end it with her and that's that. Meanwhile, don't jump the gun. Give her a chance to sort this out. Yes, don't be passve-aggressive. Just tell her straight up. If you tell her to go, and if she goes she fails and if she doesn't go she passes, then that's not quite fiar. But i hardly think she's wife material - engage and digging up past afairs?? does she know the whole "forsaking all others" part of the vows Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 Yes, don't be passve-aggressive. Just tell her straight up. If you tell her to go, and if she goes she fails and if she doesn't go she passes, then that's not quite fiar. But i hardly think she's wife material - engage and digging up past afairs?? does she know the whole "forsaking all others" part of the vows If I understood OP's post correctly, his gf didn't cheat, she was cheated on by this ex who now suddenly reappeared in her life trying to befriend her. He also married the woman he was cheating with on the OP's gf. So I can imagine that the wife doesn't exactly want to face the OP's gf or play friends with her. It's a pretty twisted situation and why his gf entertaining her cheating ex like that is really strange behavior. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 It's nonsense, to be honest that she wants to meet a cheater without his wife, no? Is asking you just asking for a free pass for her to do this? Why meet this dude? He's no one to you and isn't family or a friend. The concern is that your gf is entertaining the thought of meeting a married man with a track record of cheating.Thank you!!! Why should I meet him and expecialy with out his wife... if I’m gonna meet this guy I wanna meet his family. But my girlfriend is mad that I won’t go Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 6, 2017 Share Posted December 6, 2017 If I understood OP's post correctly, his gf didn't cheat, she was cheated on by this ex who now suddenly reappeared in her life trying to befriend her. He also married the woman he was cheating with on the OP's gf. So I can imagine that the wife doesn't exactly want to face the OP's gf or play friends with her. It's a pretty twisted situation and why his gf entertaining her cheating ex like that is really strange behavior. I thought the ex was married with kids and the girlfriend was his mistress way before this and he went back to his wife- thats' how i interpreted. But maybe i am wrong. no he is not stating his girlfriend is cheating now - but trying to reintroduce this man itno her life while she is awaiting her marriage is just tacky. Link to comment
EternalOptimis Posted December 6, 2017 Share Posted December 6, 2017 I am sorry OP, but this is a very bad sign. Emotional infidelity takes many forms and ALL of them start with breaching boundaries. You are at the stage where you're negotiating with yourself if you can live with it. NOW is the time to have the conversation. That "friendship" ends now, and ends finally. Or you walk. If you don't stand your ground now this WILL come back to bite you. It's not easy but consider it a gift you're finding this out now before you got married. I is still potentially salvageable. Link to comment
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