Dating Multiple People

[jul-els]

I left a year long relationship about three months ago. And instead of doing the thing I usually do after a break-up, which is sit around and wallow and wait for myself to heal before considering dating again, this time I thought I'd try the reverse approach, which I haven't tried before. And that's to get right back on the horse and get back out there and start meeting new people.

 

Since this is a different style of approaching the dating world than what I've experienced in the past, I'm wondering what other people think about it.

 

I recently met a girl and we've been on two dates (Girl #1). The mutual attraction is strong. I am enrolled in two dating websites and have been corresponding via website with several different women. One girl I just started chatting with (Girl #2) I find particularly interesting and she seems to be pretty interested in me as well.

 

The question I have is this; is it dishonest to date more than one person at a time? I've kissed the girl I've been on two dates with, but I wouldn't have sex with her or anyone else unless I knew it was someone I wanted to see continue seeing on an exclusive basis.

 

So does it mean I'm leading girl #1 on if I go meet with girl #2? Like I said, this way of approaching the dating world is new to me, so I'm not sure.

[Honeycomb8]

It's not dishonest. Before you're exclusive, you can date other people if you want. Just don't be dishonest about it if a girl asks about you dating other people. Be open and transparent. There's nothing wrong with it.

[Batya33]

It's not dishonest. Before you're exclusive, you can date other people if you want. Just don't be dishonest about it if a girl asks about you dating other people. Be open and transparent. There's nothing wrong with it.

 

I think it's no one's business if you're dating or meeting other people before you are exclusive. Sexual monogamy is another story if it has to do with STDs. If you are asked simply say "I'm enjoying getting to know you and I'm not ready yet to talk about being exclusive". I would not be open or transparent about whether you're trying to meet or dating other people or what you do during your time that you're not with her.

[Jibralta]

The question I have is this; is it dishonest to date more than one person at a time? I've kissed the girl I've been on two dates with, but I wouldn't have sex with her or anyone else unless I knew it was someone I wanted to see continue seeing on an exclusive basis.

 

It's not dishonest. But I've never been able to feel comfortable doing it. And I seem to prefer guys who are, like me, not content with multi-dating.

[abitbroken]

I am wired very monogamously. If i date someone - i am not talking about having an extra ticket to something and taking someone as a one-off, or going to coffee, but if its multiple dates and there is mutual interest/attraction and kissing, I am someone who would want to see where it goes with #1 before dealing in a second. The danger in multidating is you start to compare them to eachother and not base them on who is the best match. and from what i have read here -- sometimes its neither. If you feel guilty about dating more than one woman, then its not for you - but if you feel okay about meeting a second woman and being open that you are dipping your toe back in the water, meeting different women to meet the right one - then okay. But no sex. at. all. No sexless sleepovers And space out dates so you have room to breathe.

[jul-els]

It's not dishonest. But I've never been able to feel comfortable doing it. And I seem to prefer guys who are, like me, not content with multi-dating.

 

I don't know if I'm comfortable with it either. But I figured I'd try something different this time and step outside of my comfort zone.

[Batya33]

The only reason I multiple dated after I was a teenager/young 20s was because my goal was marriage. (as a teenager it was because it was fun to date around) It made no sense to me to limit my options in the least based on someone I was just getting to know and miss out on the possibility of meeting other people who might be an even better match. I did not have casual sex or have multiple sex partners. When I did become exclusive with someone typically it was within the first 6-8 weeks of dating and typically had nothing to do with the decision to have sex - that most often came much later.

[jul-els]

The only reason I multiple dated after I was a teenager/young 20s was because my goal was marriage. (as a teenager it was because it was fun to date around) It made no sense to me to limit my options in the least based on someone I was just getting to know and miss out on the possibility of meeting other people who might be an even better match. I did not have casual sex or have multiple sex partners. When I did become exclusive with someone typically it was within the first 6-8 weeks of dating and typically had nothing to do with the decision to have sex - that most often came much later.

 

I'm not interested in marriage, but I am interested in a long term committed relationship. That's my ultimate goal. Sex isn't part of the picture for me right now. Kissing and affection are good, though.

[Jibralta]

I can do the speed dating approach to find the one that I like. But once I like one person, I get anxiety if I date others at the same time. This is all contingent upon meeting the person, though. Pre-meeting doesn't count for me.

[thorough]

I left a year long relationship about three months ago. And instead of doing the thing I usually do after a break-up, which is sit around and wallow and wait for myself to heal before considering dating again, this time I thought I'd try the reverse approach, which I haven't tried before. And that's to get right back on the horse and get back out there and start meeting new people.

 

Since this is a different style of approaching the dating world than what I've experienced in the past, I'm wondering what other people think about it.

 

I recently met a girl and we've been on two dates (Girl #1). The mutual attraction is strong. I am enrolled in two dating websites and have been corresponding via website with several different women. One girl I just started chatting with (Girl #2) I find particularly interesting and she seems to be pretty interested in me as well.

 

The question I have is this; is it dishonest to date more than one person at a time? I've kissed the girl I've been on two dates with, but I wouldn't have sex with her or anyone else unless I knew it was someone I wanted to see continue seeing on an exclusive basis.

 

So does it mean I'm leading girl #1 on if I go meet with girl #2? Like I said, this way of approaching the dating world is new to me, so I'm not sure.

 

It is not dishonest until you agree to be exclusive w/that one girl. I had the same reservations that you did, but I found pretty fast not to get my hopes up for any guys. Before I met my current bf, there were several guys who caught my attention the dates went great, but most of them had other intentions or wanted to play dating games. Don't feel bad because in the end, you won't get attached right away and you won't get as hurt if things don't work out.

[abitbroken]

I can do the speed dating approach to find the one that I like. But once I like one person, I get anxiety if I date others at the same time. This is all contingent upon meeting the person, though. Pre-meeting doesn't count for me.

 

speed dating may be a good idea -- the whole point is meeting one or a few new people.

[jul-els]

speed dating may be a good idea -- the whole point is meeting one or a few new people.

 

Well, that's pretty much the same thing as online dating, isn't it? Which is what I'm doing.

[abitbroken]

Well, that's pretty much the same thing as online dating, isn't it? Which is what I'm doing.

 

everyone is there with the same expectation that they might be matched up with more than one person - you have a chance for a first impression before committing to a date - where people online sometimes have varying expectations online. The speed dating night itself also helps you practice talking to different women, etc, and just having a lighthearted time.

[jul-els]

everyone is there with the same expectation that they might be matched up with more than one person - you have a chance for a first impression before committing to a date - where people online sometimes have varying expectations online. The speed dating night itself also helps you practice talking to different women, etc, and just having a lighthearted time.

 

Yeah, but there's more than one person on the website, also. The speed dating thing probably isn't for me. Just seems like having to drive somewhere for the same thing I can do at home.

[Andrina]

Some of the cons of multi dating is that it can be expensive, and sometimes it gets stressful juggling several prospects. And even though multi dating is fine ethically when you haven't had any exclusivity discussions, is that if Girl #1 happened to find out you were dating someone else, even though its ethically okay, it might be upsetting and a turnoff if it's her style to date only one person at a time, and she might choose to date someone else who shares her dating style.

 

I would imagine most people expect to have sex by the 3 month mark of dating, unless they have strong convictions to abstain for other reasons. Therefore, the multi dating is short-lived. Decide whether or not doing something so short-lived is worth it if you might lose a great person who you would've wanted to continue dating, but can't because she dumped you since you'd chosen the two-women route.

 

The pros, I imagine, would be to get to know, out of a group of women, who is the most compatible with you and who strikes your interest the most.

 

As for me, when I was dating, after 2 or 3 dates, I'd ask a guy what his dating style was and if it didn't match with mine, I was out of there. I didn't want to be kissing a guy on Friday night and know that he was okay with kissing another girl on Saturday night. To me, sharing that intimacy, even if it's not sex, is giving something special to someone who I hoped thought I was special enough to want to get to know me better without outside interference.

[j.man]

Different people operate differently. Personally, I used to be firmly against multi-dating. But once I started to, my dating quality of life went through the roof. It was too easy for me to get a false sense of investment when I'm putting other options aside for someone I hardly know. But others who prefer not to multi-date might do just fine keeping that sense of investment in check. I also was pretty ruthless in vetting who I went on a 2nd or 3rd date with, and rarely found myself going on 4 or more with someone while still wanting to date others. That's getting into the juggling territory others are referring to. If you're not the type to exercise the freedom to be picky that multi-dating allows for you, then it might be best to date more serially to avoid the whole 90s dating show "who to choose" conundrum.

 

To echo the many others who said the same, it's not deceitful if you two aren't exclusive. I do think there's a minor moral obligation to leave someone to pursue others if they're putting in more of an effort or investment in (e.g. one driving to the other, paying for meals, etc.) and you know you're not really digging 'em all that much. But assuming all things equal and you're legitimately and romantically interested in getting to know them still, I'd cut your conscience some slack.

 

At the end of the day, the only wrong way to date is if you're not enjoying it. It's fine to test new frontiers and methods, but, if at the end of the day, multi-dating just isn't your bag after having tried it, don't force yourself to keep it up.