I want more

[Mix94]

Hey guys, need some advice. So I've been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs now. I really want our relationship to move forward I really really want to have a baby but would also like my life to follow the traditional path (engagement, marriage, children) I've made my wishes clear to my boyfriend but he says he isn't ready. He always reminds me he loves me but I feel he's too attached to his family and I am not yet important enough to him. Idk what to do I have begun to feel sad and disappointed all the time I'm becoming depressed. I wish nothing more than to start my family my bf wants to wait another 3 years I love him so much but it hurts my heart to have to wait especially when I don't see him doing anything to move out relationship further.

[boltnrun]

How old are the two of you?

[Mix94]

I'm 24 and he's 26

[boltnrun]

What reasons does he give for wanting to wait?

 

Do you two live together? Live in your own separate places? Live with family? Are you relatively financially secure?

[Mix94]

He says he wants to be more financially stable, and that's what upsets me that he's not doing anything towards that. We each live with our parents I want to move out but he says his parents need him.

[boltnrun]

What do you mean by he's not doing anything toward becoming more financially stable? Does he work full-time? Do you?

[Mix94]

I work full time even over time ... he only worls part time he says he cant get more hours and wont move locations because he like the location he works in. He makes alright money but a lot of it goes towards gas so that's why he doesn't have any most of the time I pay when we go out unless it's something inexpesive.

[boltnrun]

Well...then he for sure is not prepared for a wife and a child (or children).

 

He apparently does not want to make any changes that would make marriage a viable or reasonable choice at this time. If he doesn't want to, it's doubtful there is anything you can do to convince him to become engaged or marry you anytime soon.

 

Please do not "accidentally" become pregnant to force his hand.

[Mix94]

I understand that which is why I came on here I mean I go above and beyond for him and stop doing what I want for him but I cant keep putting my wishes aside because it's not what he wants and that's really hurting me.

[pippy longstocking]

I want to move out but he says his parents need him

 

hmmm sounds like the other way round ....

 

On a positive note he clearly does want a future with you , but are you prepared to wait because I think he is a little too comfortable at home .

[limichelle]

Sounds like my ex!

 

OP be careful because he may not be motivated to do much with his parents handing him everything. Just don't let the two years turn to five years and then so forth. My biggest mistake was staying with a guy for a decade expecting him to cut the apron strings.

 

Lisa

[j.man]

Two years does indeed turn to five, but closer to five is probably the safer bet when it comes to bringing a child into the world under more workable circumstances. I do agree with cutting the cord if it indeed does appear he would drag his heels into oblivion, but I'd also ask yourself why a child is the major milestone you're looking to right now. Given you're the one who works full time, it seems best suited that he stay at home with the kid while you continue to do so. Is that a dynamic you'd be OK with? Your biological clock isn't exactly ticking quite yet, so I'd discount the baby as the primary consideration and look to other aspects of your relationship.

[yatsue]

He says he wants to be more financially stable, and that's what upsets me that he's not doing anything towards that. We each live with our parents I want to move out but he says his parents need him.

 

You're only 24 (my age!) and you are also still living with your parents. You are not even on your own two feet yet, how can you possibly take care of a baby when you are still dependent on your parents?

 

Do you have a savings, enough earnings in order to live off of and still save, can you get a place of your own (apartment at least, can afford monthly expenses such as any loans, utilities, bills for phone, internet, food, necessities), etc? How is your credit? What's your debt? Is your job reliable? Will you properly look after your child if you work so much (aka can you hire a sitter)?

 

I have yes/good to all of the previous things I mentioned, but even I do not wish to have a baby yet. In my opinion that requires additional things, such as a stable and mature long term relationship (yours is hardly considered serious long term at this age, especially with the job and financial downfalls) and security (a house and not frequently changing living conditions).

 

I am sure people have made different situations work, but that's just it; they make it just work and isn't necessarily the best situation you can have. Don't you want the best for your children? You may not end up giving them the best, although you can say to yourself that you gosh darn tried.

 

You really need to have a honest, hard look at your own situation because, frankly, it's not the best.

[itsallgrand]

^I was thinking the same thing.

 

You are both basically in the same situation , so why are you focusing on his apron strings so much when you have your own to cut? And you don't need him to move out on your own, so what's the hold up there?

 

I wonder if the focus on this relationship and having babies right now ( nothing wrong with thinking about that, and knowing it's something you want for the future) is a way to avoid being out there on your own.

[catfeeder]

I'd ask myself, "Given that we never get any time back to live over again, is this how I want to spend my next 3 years?" Also, "Given that BF's actions don't match his words, how much time do I want to risk waiting to learn whether BF is capable of managing himself into 'readiness'?"

 

Speaking only for myself, I'd tell BF, "I adore you and can picture the potential of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever reach the point of readiness to offer me the kind of relationship we've both envisioned, then you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

And that's all the 'splaining I'd do. Either BF will step up and demonstrate that he shares common goals with you and will work toward those, or he won't. If not, why waste your time?

[Mix94]

Well it seems I don't have much of a choice but to wait. Some people are ready to be parents at different ages I've known women being perfectly ready and capable of being wives and mothers at 18 and women who have no interest in having children at 30 so I don't think my age should matter too much. What I ment though is that I already feel the baby fever but I want to have a more stable relationship as in move toward with moving in together or engagement. SOMETHING! Also yes I am capable of living on my own I have already before, i make enough, I'm good at saving, and have good credit. The reason I live with my mother is because she is a single mother and asked me to mmmkove back in because she needed the help and that is where the problem lies. My mother needs me more than his parents need him but I know what I want in my life with him so if he asked me to move in with him I would and my mother would have to understand that I need to live my own life. He however won't do that all he does is ask me to move into his house with his parents which I refuse to do.

[Batya33]

I get the baby fever but that doesn't mean you're ready to act on it and he certainly isn't ready. Would you both work outside the home if you had a baby and if so, right away? What have you discussed about this? I don't think you need to move in together before getting married and having a baby (I didn't ,and my friend's daughter who is a happily married mom of two and 21 years old, didn't either) but I do think you have to be ready to marry, be financially stable and be on the same page about what arrangements you'll have once you have the baby. If he'd like to get married within the next year or so but wait to start a family for 3 years from now that sounds pretty reasonable but that's different from waiting 3 years to first get married. Also make sure you like and get along with his parents since he's so tight with them.

[Mix94]

I feel it's important a baby is an even bigger commitment than moving in together and if he's not ready for that why even talk about arrangements after having a baby. And I didn't include marriage too much because he doesn't believe in it but has said would marry me to make me happy. And yes his parents actually like me very much.

[boltnrun]

But he has to want the same things. And it seems that he does not. At least, not anytime soon.

[Batya33]

I feel it's important a baby is an even bigger commitment than moving in together and if he's not ready for that why even talk about arrangements after having a baby. And I didn't include marriage too much because he doesn't believe in it but has said would marry me to make me happy. And yes his parents actually like me very much.

 

What I mean is that if you're thinking of having a baby with him -a huge commitment! - you two need to make sure you're on the same page when it comes to values and logistics of parenting. And make sure you're ok marrying a guy who isn't enthusiastic about marriage.