Jump to content

Is there any way to recover?


Recommended Posts

I need some advice... I think I've ruined what could have been a great thing.


I've been on 4 dates over the past couple months with a guy I met online. We have a lot in common, and when we were together there was great conversation and playfulness. The nature of his job means that he's traveling frequently (about 3 weeks a month) and has limited access during that time to communicate. I work in a closely related field, so I understand the logistics and some of the same applies to me. But because of that, our dates have been far apart. He doesn't text or call except to plan the next date. This means I sometimes didn't hear from him for 1 to 2 weeks at a time, but when we were on our date he would always be communicative about how excited he was about seeing me and where this could go.


He didn't kiss me until the end of date 4, about a week and a half ago. The chemistry was great and he didn't want to leave, even though he had a flight to catch. He kept turning around after walking through the door, grabbing me and kissing me again. He told me he'd text me. I, of course, got overeager. About 15 minutes after he left, I texted him that I wish he could have stayed. 3 hours later when he hadn't responded, I texted him "did you make it to the airport safe?". I know, I'm embarrassing. He responded the next morning apologizing for missing my text. I responded saying no worries, and asking how his day was. No response, but he was there for the funeral of a close family member, so I wasn't put off by it. The next day was the funeral, so I texted him again, just saying that I was thinking of him on that painful day and that I hope he's alright, because I figured being a decent, caring human was more important than not double-texting. I gave it 9 days... heard nothing back. Finally texted him "Let me know when you're back in town, I'd love to see you! That was 2 days ago... no response.


I don't know what came over me. I know my texting probably gave him the impression that I'm needy, clingy, already emotionally attached, and impatient. But really, I was just looking forward to getting to know him more. I was excited. Is there any way to recover from this? At this point, I feel like he's never going to contact me again. If that's the case, is there any way to let him know that I know I was overkill, and get another chance? Or am I overreacting again in assuming I won't hear from him, since he's likely both grieving and swamped with work? It's also hard not to feel like there was something wrong with the kiss for him... but I assume he wouldn't have acted so into it if he wasn't. Please help me fix this!

Link to comment

Sometimes the best fix is to do nothing. Give him time to miss you and wonder what you are up to and if he was into you he will contact you again despite the eagerness you showed.


So far those other texts didn't get the result you wanted so if you do the opposite there is a better chance he will contact you. After all you have been on 4 dates in 2 months so there was some time between dates so relax and try and distract yourself with other things.



Link to comment

I don't think you did anything all that bad. Yeah, you double texted and showed you hand early, if the interest is mutual, I'd think he'd be happy you're contacting him.


The 9 days no contact would be a red flag to me though, it takes 3 seconds to say 'hi', that lack of communication wouldn't be enough for me personally, but you know his job and you should at least be familiar with his communication style, so if you believe the panic is all in your head try to get in control of it.

Link to comment

There's nothing for you to fix or to apologize for. He has actively made the decision not to contact you for whatever reason . . . and no, it's not because he's "busy" or grieving, it's because he has made the choice not to. Its up to you how (if) to proceed if he does end up contacting you, but I'm pretty sure I would not reward some guy for ignoring me for 9+ days and counting.

Link to comment

Yes 9 days is just a red flag. I understand he is attending a funeral, however, he should atleast communicate you at the bare minimum. I would not do anything, and if you believe you should get another chance if he does contact you first then do it. I just wouldn't have high expectations for him. He's ghosting you it seems then returning. Annoying.

Link to comment
is there any way to let him know that I know I was overkill, and get another chance? Or am I overreacting


Naaah, pointing to overkill IS overkill. I'd skip that and trust that this guy is either invested enough to view a few texts as welcome and no big deal, or he's not. If not, then it's not about the texts, it's about his inability to split his focus beyond what's in front of him at any given moment. That's not relationship material no matter what you do.


Stay focused on what YOU want and deserve. If it's an attentive relationship, then this guy isn't your match. It makes no sense to pretzel yourself to cater to whatever you imagine someone else's perceptions to be. Either a guy is a good match for you, or he's not. Most people are not. That's not cynical, it's just the odds, and the earlier you can grasp that and regard love as rare, the easier it becomes to allow wrong matches to pass early rather than drill yourself into a mental hole over them.


Let the chips fall with this guy, and if he steps up, let HIM win YOU back. Raise your bar. Allow him to show you whether he'll compensate for his lack of attentiveness, and if not, then what does he really offer you in the first place?


Head high, and move your focus away from pleasing anyone but your Self.

Link to comment

As someone who has been known to text far too much at the start of a relationship, I would echo what others have said in that the best course of action is to do nothing right now. You've texted him, he knows that. Most of us have our phones on us 24/7 and so give him time to contact you if he wants to. The fact that it has been nine days doesn't look good, but that in itself means that at least next time you can maybe try and slow down on the texting and find a guy who wants to invest the time in you.

Link to comment
I, of course, got overeager. About 15 minutes after he left, I texted him that I wish he could have stayed. 3 hours later when he hadn't responded, I texted him "did you make it to the airport safe?". I know, I'm embarrassing


I don't think that is embarrassing at all. Very sweet, in fact.


I would have stopped there though. As a rough guide, two unanswered texts (unless already in a relationship) is the limit.


Let him miss you. Ball's in his court.

Link to comment

I agree with the others, don't text anymore, and don't tell him anything about the texting having been overkill, just let it go and see what happens.

But honestly, I have trouble believing that he really didn't have a few seconds here and there to text back, no matter how sad or busy he was. To me, that's an indication that he's not all that interested, because I know for a fact that when they are really interested, they find the time no matter what.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...