I got fed up that it wasn’t going anywhere, did I do the right thing walking away?

[fmfan08]

I have a thread already but thought this deserved a seperate topic.

 

Had two great dates with a girl. Before the first date we were communtating a LOT. She was giving me 4-5 lines, acted interested, it felt easy. After date one, I asked her to text me when she got back and she did. I asked when she’s next free and she said “I’m free whenever you are and we set the date up on the spot, 15-20 minutes between replies.

 

Since date two, the communication has dropped dramatically. She’ll take hours not minutes to respond, etc. Since asking her out on another date I got “Haha, maybe when I have some money Three days after when I send her a text I get this:

 

Me: So I’ve had a weekend of robbing banks, near death experiences and chocolate ice cream.. Can you top that?

 

Her (hours later): Sounds thrilling I’m so so hungover

 

Me: haha, are you free to meet after work on wednesday at 5:30? There’s a golf place, my treat

 

Her (5 mins after): I train on Wednesdays, Thursdays are my night off

 

Me (10 mins after): I won’t finish until 8:30 on Thursday unless you want to meet then or we can meet Friday

 

Then 4 hours pass and I get no reply so I send before going to bed:

 

Me: I’ve got to get an early night so why don’t we just do this some other time when your schedule is more open

 

I felt like I needed to walk away because she was making it hard to meet up, like taking hours instead of minutes to reply, not setting definite dates, etc. She said she was free Thursday but I was busy and she didn’t get back to confirm a day. Did I do the right thing by walking away?

[pippy longstocking]

I also get the sense she isn't overly bothered if she sees you again .

[fmfan08]

This was my exact gut feeling. She didn’t bother reaching out to me over the last three days, until I did. Even then her replies took hours and she didn’t bother getting back to me last night, whereas prior to that we’d have set the date already within the hour.

 

Should I give her a phone call later or just leave it as it is and just remove her from Facebook and move on? My gut feeling is she isn’t as keen as before.

[pippy longstocking]

For me personally , at such an early stage as well , I would be communicating , making plans , having fun over text or f/b or whatever ..

 

It wont harm to give it one last shot , to know for sure either way ..and deffo a phone call as opposed to a message .

[MissCanuck]

This was my exact gut feeling. She didn’t bother reaching out to me over the last three days, until I did. Even then her replies took hours and she didn’t bother getting back to me last night, whereas prior to that we’d have set the date already within the hour.

 

Should I give her a phone call later or just leave it as it is and just remove her from Facebook and move on? My gut feeling is she isn’t as keen as before.

 

I wouldn't, only because you've already expressed how you feel. It's up to her now to respond to that.

[glitterfingers]

She barely knows you, so she has little to be super excited about - it's early days. I'm personally not big on dating and have let a few decent prospects go because I just couldn't match their enthusiasm since I didn't know them well.

 

You can take a step back without walking away. If she doesn't reach out to you, you have your answer

[wom360]

Her comment about being too broke for a date implies she had to pay something last time. Is that right???

[tattoobunnie]

Haha, maybe when I have some

 

If she doesn't have any money, but you keep insisting, treat her to the date. Right now, she probably thinks you're a cheapskate. I'm not saying you are, but after two days, you don't need to split the bill every time.

[fmfan08]

If she doesn't have any money, but you keep insisting, treat her to the date. Right now, she probably thinks you're a cheapskate. I'm not saying you are, but after two days, you don't need to split the bill every time.

 

No offence, but read my texts, I did say “my treat”.

 

I also paid for BOTH dates. She offered to go half but I said it was fine, I don’t mind paying. In fact, over the course of both dates I probably paid TOO much for what you’d usually pay on a first date.

[fmfan08]

She didn’t pay a penny, but she did offer. I paid for both dates.

[Sportster2005]

I suspect you're just a nuisance to her now. Anymore contact with her and you will just start to look pathetic.

 

Me: I’ve got to get an early night so why don’t we just do this some other time when your schedule is more open

 

This isn't walking away. This is passive. I will bet donuts to dollars women never contact men that do this.

 

You took a shot. You failed. Walk away with strength and class.

[Pleasedonot5]

I don't see anything majorly wrong with what you've done so far. Props to you for getting out there and trying. My one suggestion is to perhaps make the dates less extravagant. A coffee place or casual dinner maybe -- that way it isn't cutting into your wallet too much (which can make a date feel pressured).

 

I think now the ball is in her court, but don't let that stop you. Don't contact her unless she contacts you, and until then go find another date!

[fmfan08]

Okay I could have walked away after my previous text but least I have now, for the benefit of myself. I could have worded it better or not said it at all but when I realised she wasn’t responding I guess I thought retracting the offer was better and at that point I was feeling annoyed. I need to not show that in future.

 

That isn’t what killed it though, it was either her not feeling it on the second date or when she said “maybe when I have some money”. At that point I should have realised her lack of interest, but now I know to pick up on these signs.

 

Me sending that “early night” text will have just had the same outcome as not sending it anyway, her interest level was down already.

 

I still don’t understand why she gave me an alternative day she was free, thought only interested girls do that.

[fmfan08]

I have another date on Friday, unless that gets called off. You never know with OLD!

 

Yeah I’ll tone down what I spend on early dates. Guess I like to make an impression and that the better things to do seem to cost more unfortunately.

[tattoobunnie]

I think it was fine till the last message. If she was that hungover, then any message she would have seen would have been secondary to that throbbing headache of hers. You were the one to start texting her, so saying, "I’ve got to get an early night so why don’t we just do this some other time when your schedule is more open" comes off as a bit weird to me to be honest, and can be interpreted in many ways. I'd do a last ditch effort, and physically call her.

[fmfan08]

I think it was fine till the last message. If she was that hungover, then any message she would have seen would have been secondary to that throbbing headache of hers. You were the one to start texting her, so saying, "I’ve got to get an early night so why don’t we just do this some other time when your schedule is more open" comes off as a bit weird to me to be honest, and can be interpreted in many ways. I'd do a last ditch effort, and physically call her.

 

Unfortunately I lost most of my contacts overnight (including the other girl I’m seeing this weekend) and i had deleted our conversation. Luckily the other girl had replied so I managed to get her number again.

 

I did decide to remove her from Facebook. The general consensus from the three forums I’ve posted this on is that she isn’t interested.

 

Girls who are interested make it easy for you, she just made it difficult. She took 5 minutes to reply to me, I took 10, then I get no reply 4 hours later. Not buying that. I know my last reply might have been passive when i retracted my date offer, but she made the effort to write a Facebook status in the morning and not even bother replying to me. That was enough for me to delete her.

 

She would have just ignored my phone call too, so wouldn’t have made much difference. If she was interested in me, she’d hve been worried about losing me and would have made a definite date.

[tattoobunnie]

Um, I think you should take it easy. I didn't know after two dates you were suppose to be glued at the hip. I just think you shouldn't jump the gun. I love my husband, but I take forever to reply to his texts. I just get caught up with work, but do sleep away on FB at times. Call her, and leave an actual message. If she doesn't call back or answer, then forget it. But, I wouldn't judge her by her texting behavior after a hangover and heading to work. You really don't have anything to lose with communication.

[fmfan08]

Um, I think you should take it easy. I didn't know after two dates you were suppose to be glued at the hip. I just think you shouldn't jump the gun. I love my husband, but I take forever to reply to his texts. I just get caught up with work, but do sleep away on FB at times. Call her, and leave an actual message. If she doesn't call back or answer, then forget it. But, I wouldn't judge her by her texting behavior after a hangover and heading to work. You really don't have anything to lose with communication.

 

I get that, but what you're missing is that our reply was constant before the first date. Like I would reply 30 mins to an hour as I was at work, she would do the same, but a lot of the time she took 5-10 minutes, detailed 4-5 line texts etc. The change from two weeks ago to NOW is hugely different.

 

If you take a couple of hours to a few hours to reply from the start and this carries on all the way through (like it is with this new girl I'm talking to) I don't see that as a problem, but when it changes from huge amounts of lengthy contact to the complete opposite, that's a cause for concern.

 

It wasn't just on her hangover day, she didn't even reply to my text on Thursday night until I sent a second on Sunday morning. That was a whole two and a half days she failed to contact me, whereas she'd have replied to whatever minimal I had to say a week prior.

 

The old me would have called her, I mean I have nothing to lose like you said, but I've lost her number so I have no way to call her. Even if I had her number, I've deleted her from Facebook. I just think it's wasted effort on a girl who clearly has no interest in me.

[glitterfingers]

I personally think you're reading into it too much. You did nothing wrong here, OP, don't let people push you into thinking you blew your chances because you didn't act skilfully. You haven't been excessive in anything you've done - just mature and straightforward. So long as you can say that you've been reasonable and tried, nobody here should be telling you that you've acted too this or not enough that.

 

Remember this in all of your future dating: It's really hard to screw up the right thing with the right person.

 

So relax, breathe deep and realise that you've done nothing wrong - this is all just part of the game. And, for the record, this is why I'm not big on dating. I don't have the resilience to go through this all the time, but I admire people who can put themselves out there

[fmfan08]

I personally think you're reading into it too much. You did nothing wrong here, OP, don't let people push you into thinking you blew your chances because you didn't act skilfully. You haven't been excessive in anything you've done - just mature and straightforward. So long as you can say that you've been reasonable and tried, nobody here should be telling you that you've acted too this or not enough that.

 

Remember this in all of your future dating: It's really hard to screw up the right thing with the right person.

 

So relax, breathe deep and realise that you've done nothing wrong - this is all just part of the game. And, for the record, this is why I'm not big on dating. I don't have the resilience to go through this all the time, but I admire people who can put themselves out there

 

Thanks. I do believe I did the right thing, but with a few hiccups here and there. An interested girl would allow those slight niggles though, but yeah I understand she didn't like me in that way and was too cowardly to say otherwise.

 

I like that advice "It's really hard to screw up the right thing with the right person". I found this so right with my ex, at least at the start. Everything fell into place, it was effortless, but unfortunately my ex wasn't over her ex. I called her out on it at the time of the breakup and she said it had nothing to do with that, but actions > words. She kept bringing him up in conversation. That's another story though.

 

I find that if I have to come on this forum to express a concern, then it's going downhill. When it was going great with my ex, never did I touch a forum like this then obviously as it went downhill to a breakup, I was on these forums asking for advice ha.

 

I learn from my mistakes and it's great to experience them, but I think even without mistakes this would have resulted in the same outcome. The biggest mistake was not realising from the "money excuse".

[abitbroken]

I have another date on Friday, unless that gets called off. You never know with OLD!

 

Yeah I’ll tone down what I spend on early dates. Guess I like to make an impression and that the better things to do seem to cost more unfortunately.

 

Okay - here's another take. if a guy took me out twice, i would expect to pay/be the inviter on the 3rd date. if he took me out to expensive places and did things above my usual means (i would never order the most expensive things on the menu - ordering something below the cost of his meal if i could), i would feel that i couldn't date him/keep up with his lifestyle. If you were over the top - then i could understand her comment. Doing a "first meet" for dessert, coffee, etc, or lunch is more like it. Even if someone orders extravagantly, it doesn't cost much. Its not about "a date doesn't deserve me to pay for them" - its keeping the pressure off.

[abitbroken]

btw, i could think a guy was absolutely stunning, smart, intelligent, but if he went way overboard for the date - i would shy away. There was a guy who a friend wanted to set me up with - actually he rejected me once and begged my friend to set us up after that -- he said it would be a "full service date" - dinner at a pricey place, flowers, etc...and I declined the fix up because it was all a little much for me.

[fmfan08]

Okay - here's another take. if a guy took me out twice, i would expect to pay/be the inviter on the 3rd date. if he took me out to expensive places and did things above my usual means (i would never order the most expensive things on the menu - ordering something below the cost of his meal if i could), i would feel that i couldn't date him/keep up with his lifestyle. If you were over the top - then i could understand her comment. Doing a "first meet" for dessert, coffee, etc, or lunch is more like it. Even if someone orders extravagantly, it doesn't cost much. Its not about "a date doesn't deserve me to pay for them" - its keeping the pressure off.

 

Damn, well that sucks.. I guess I wanted to go to different places on the dates rather than be stuck at one. Think I must have spent £70ish on each date, but end of the day it was an enjoyable night out so I can't complain. But this wasn't the impression I wanted to give, I don't do this all the time. I think I overcompensate because of the job I have. I'm a manager of my own retail store, but when I say where I work people seem to judge that it's a poor job indirectly. It's not where I want to be, but I am working on that. So I guess I try to set the bar too high with my date locations because of it.

 

This Friday I'll be going out bowling and getting a little something to eat in the dining area of the bowling place. It's quite a posh dining place, but inexpensive prices. I'll stick to that then call it a night, unless I get hints of this new girl wanting to prolong the night.

[fmfan08]

btw, i could think a guy was absolutely stunning, smart, intelligent, but if he went way overboard for the date - i would shy away. There was a guy who a friend wanted to set me up with - actually he rejected me once and begged my friend to set us up after that -- he said it would be a "full service date" - dinner at a pricey place, flowers, etc...and I declined the fix up because it was all a little much for me.

 

I'll describe the details of the dates I had with this girl:

 

Date 1 - Two games of bowling (roughly £27), then we went next door to this Chinese buffet place which was £15 each, I paid for us both though. It was a fancy looking place but inexpensive price.

Date 2 - £40 for the escape room and £33 for the sushi place we went to. On the day of this date, she asked me how much tonight was going to cost. I said £40 and she replied "Each? I can't afford that at the moment I explained to her no, that was the total and I had it booked and already paid for.

 

Maybe it was bad timing with her buying a new laptop for work (so she could get bonuses) but meh, I don't think she was that interested.. Otherwise she'd have invited me over to do something free or we could have just gone to a museum/a walk, etc.

[figureitout23]

If I really liked you, I would be flattered you covered both dates, especially if I was having money issues.

 

If it were me and I liked you, I'd suggest our next date be somewhere free or low cost like a walk in the park or ice cream, something close that I could afford, again, if I liked you, because I would want you to know I was interested and I'd want to return your level of interest. Dating isn't just a rich mans game. Some of my best dates I've had were zero out of pocket activities ( get your mind out of the gutter people)

 

Everyone is different but please don't think that if you're understanding of a persons financial situation and telling them it doesn't matter, you just want to get to know them that YOU are doing something to chase them away, because in my eyes you aren't, in my eyes you're being a complete gentleman with the patience of a saint with a girl who just doesn't seem all that interested. I think you'll do fine in the future, I wouldn't change a thing.