My Family Are Rude to my Husband

[Astrogirl]

I recently got married to a man I love very much and I know I recently posted about a small problem we had but we have worked it out. However, my problem I have now is my family. They are so rude about my husband it is getting me down and making me feel upset. Their opinion of him is quite unfounded. All they keep saying (in the hopes he can hear, no doubt) is that he only married me so he can get my house. Never during our relationship has he ever mentioned marrying me in the hope we can divorce and he can walk away with everything. It's not like I'm a millionaire. Before we met I was a single parent with absolutely no money apart from my wages and a house I struggle to pay for half the time. I hardly live in a mansion. It is a two-bedroom house on a mortgage.

 

My daughter is the one fuelling the comments and all she keeps saying to me is, "make a will so I can have your house," and, "all he has married you for is the house." She makes comments about him not working (he has a disability but I can totally vouch for him he is actively seeking work and does this at least twice a week with the help of a job coach).

 

My daughter also keeps saying she does not agree with the marriage and will only be civil to him. I actually feel her only interest is not actually me but the house itself. She talks to me like dirt for the most part but expects me to leave my house to her. She has even asked me to do this. She does not work (she is also disabled) but makes comments about my new husband not working.

 

I know it may seem like she just cares but the things she says are completely vicious. People who are close and know of her opinion keep telling me it is my life and I should not live it just to satisfy her and my happiness is what is important. She mainly has my mother on her side and between them they make several comments about my new husband marrying me for my house. Trust me, if he ever forced me to sell the house there wouldn't be much left for any of us after the mortgage was paid off. I feel my daughter just expects me to sign the house over to her as she is worried my new husband will want to kick her out.

 

Then she throws the poverty card at me. I work full time in a very responsible job but she keeps throwing it in my face at how poor I am. I am so sick of this situation that I actually feel like selling the house and moving on anyway as my daughter is an adult and could quite easily get her own place but chooses to live with me.

 

My husband does not currently live with me as we have not applied for him to live over here but all my family keep saying is: where is he going to sleep? There isn't enough room, etc. This is because I have given both bedrooms to my family and I sleep in the living room.

 

I am now afraid that when he does come over for a visit they will make him feel very uncomfortable. And when I point this out to them they keep saying he is a user. I tell them I cannot carry on like this and if it doesn't change I will sell up and move on because I am fed up of the nasty comments but all they say is: typical you would abandon your family. But why should I stay where I am and put up with their nasty comments. Why can't they just be happy for us?

 

They also reckon I am regularly giving him money which I have never done. I got so fed up with them saying this that I actually threatened them with legal action as I did not know what else to say. I asked them to prove I have ever done this and when they can't I will then present them with a solicitors letter. Of course I would never do this but some of the rumours they are spreading amongst the family is disgusting and totally unfounded.

 

I know this seems a complicated situation but if you cannot offer me advice just an ear for listening will do as this will also help.

[reinventmyself]

these people you call family live with you?

do they contribute in any way?

[Astrogirl]

They do, in their own way but when they throw the poor card at me they remind me of every penny they pay and reckon I owe them loads and I am completely indebted to them. I ask them would they ask an housing authority the rent back if they had to pay out. None of them work. My mother is retired.

[reinventmyself]

They rely on you obviously and the new husband is a threat to their security.

 

You are in a tough spot but seeing you mentioned it already, sell the house and start over.

 

Is there a reason they can't take care of themselves because from the looks of things they ought to thanking you, not guilting and harassing you.

[Astrogirl]

That is the only thing I can think of is that they think he is a threat. He has never mentioned taking my house. In fact, if anything happened to me he wouldn't dream of turfing my family out on the street. When he texts them they ignore him and I have to make up excuses saying they are busy or they don't know how to use their phones properly. Once when he heard my daughter being rude he very politely told her I was her mum and she should respect me. My family sent him nasty messages telling him to keep his nose out. I felt so ashamed as his family are extremely kind to me.

[reinventmyself]

I just glanced at some of your previous posts and though I still think your situation with your family is a little out of control, they are possibly legitimately concerned that you've married some one who lives far way, is unemployed, disabled and has possibly had other online emotional affairs that has been a source of conflict.

 

If I were related to you, I'd be concerned . . for you.

Your family seems concerned. . .for themselves and how this will effect them

 

Again. . You have a dilemma. I am not even sure how to advise you.

[Astrogirl]

Yes, I understand that but they are so vicious in their comments and are openly rude in front of him. It is very difficult. I do thank you though.

[glitterfingers]

Can you rent the house out and use some of that income to help with the mortgage, then get a smaller/cheaper place for you and your husband?

 

I also think your family are obviously concerned about themselves and possibly about you, but mostly about the fact that this will upset the milieu that they depend on. I am sure they can find a way to support themselves without your help, though.

 

I think you should give them a time frame in which they need to move out (e.g. 3 months) so that you can decide what to do - either sell the house or rent it out.

 

Maybe you can create a will to put their minds at ease, and trust that it can be updated if your circumstances change.

 

I feel that you're going to be miserable so long as you're living with your family. You might be miserable eventually with your husband too (nobody can predict the future) but he's easier to get rid of as far as I can tell. Your family are difficult to get rid of, but they cannot live with you forever - I think they're sensing they are living on borrowed time and this might be spurring their attacks

[abitbroken]

I have glanced over a few of your other threads.

I can say that maybe your family is just very concerned for you - this man is coming from another country to marry you. To me, I would have not rushed to marry but had him visit you a little more. I think your daughter is extremely rude, but on the other hand, some guy she doesn't know is going to move in and since it has been just you and her for quite a long time, she may very well feel displaced in your life by a man who she hasn't even gotten the chance to know.

 

From April:

My bf has no money to support me and I am not rich. However, I would need to sell my home in order to move. This would not generate income and would barely see me by. I understand I would have to find work. I have passed additional qualifications and am currently studying at a higher level as well as working full-time. Now, my bf has a slight disability which means he is currently out of work. But I can tell you this: he DOES try so hard to find a job.

 

He has been trying to find a job since April -- is he looking for a job in your country while he resides in his and needs one to come over, or is he looking for a job in his country.

 

If he has been not working and having a disability since you met - i think you need to accept that he is not going to find work. I mean, he might find work, but you have to go into things assuming he won't. Do you want to stay with him knowing that he may not qualify for much disability, if at all, if he moves in with you (the findings of the doctors may be different in your country). Are you ready to support him?

 

it seems now that instead of selling your house to move, he is coming to move in with you, is that true?

 

It is a very concerning situation, honestly.

[abitbroken]

It seems that one year ago you were talking about moving on from a bad breakup with another guy...and now you are married to a guy from another country? or is it the same guy. If this is NOT the same guy --- how long have you known him if you were not with him 11/2016? This moved super quick. I think they are rude, but maybe there is a way that you can alleviate some concern

[Iggy5129]

You seem like a nice person. A little too nice. You’re a pushover and let people take advantage of you. I don’t think you need to take his side or your family’s side but the side of yourself. You’re being used by both him and your family. Kick the family out, seriously reconsider this marriage and then get yourself together. Get into therapy and figure out why you allow so many people to take advantage of you.

 

You need to stick up for yourself and make yourself happy. It’s time to start living life for you.

[Astrogirl]

Hi. First of all, thanks to all who have replied to my post and shown compassion and sensitivity towards my dilemma. In answer to some of the questions: our plans are to move to his country but for the time being we will live in my country as I have a stable job with regular income. My husband plans to study whilst here. Only after my youngest child has left school and prepares to enter university and finish her education, then we will move to his country. We discussed this and found it would work best for everyone by planning our lives around my youngest daughter.

 

No, it is not the same man. I have know my husband for nearly two years. I met him five months after my last break up. Apart from one hiccup, he is honestly the most caring man I have met. I finished with my ex in 2015.

 

I know my husband has a disability and I know money will be a struggle but we are prepared to not allow this to affect us. He does have a dream career and he is currently studying to work his way into this role whilst also looking for work.

[abitbroken]

Hi. First of all, thanks to all who have replied to my post and shown compassion and sensitivity towards my dilemma. In answer to some of the questions: our plans are to move to his country but for the time being we will live in my country as I have a stable job with regular income. My husband plans to study whilst here. Only after my youngest child has left school and prepares to enter university and finish her education, then we will move to his country. We discussed this and found it would work best for everyone by planning our lives around my youngest daughter.

 

No, it is not the same man. I have know my husband for nearly two years. I met him five months after my last break up. Apart from one hiccup, he is honestly the most caring man I have met. I finished with my ex in 2015.

 

I know my husband has a disability and I know money will be a struggle but we are prepared to not allow this to affect us. He does have a dream career and he is currently studying to work his way into this role whilst also looking for work.

 

How will you handle things when he arrives? Will you be able to support him and you and your kids on your income? is he studying in a field that is easy to get a job in, or is it something more obscure? When you move, what will the kids who stay behind have? Do they have a place to live? The daughter may be staying at school, but what about breaks? If he has looked for work since april, how confident are you that he will actually find a job?