25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Sweetie, you're already very unhappy. Your guy is not showing you the kind of love which would be meaningful to you, and while you stay in this situation you can guarantee that (a) it isn't going to change and (b) that you WON'T fall in love again... ...That's certainly not going to happen while you stay with him, and ironically your fears are trapping you in the very situation you're frightened of! I'm not an expert on these things but I think I may be emotionally addicted to him And I keep blaming myself for all our arguments. .... I feel like I'm stupid because I know it's not good for me and I still can't and don't want to leave. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Is there a friend you can talk to today who needs your help? Is there a place you sometimes go volunteer where you can do some extra hours in the next few days? I strongly suggest getting out of your head in some way and as much as possible. Hang in there. No but I have my own life too and my hobbies. I do go out with my friends and I'm active - I run a lot and go to the gym. So I shouldn't feel as depressed but I do Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Why don’t you want to leave? Do you think he is one day going to be what you want magically? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 No but I have my own life too and my hobbies. I do go out with my friends and I'm active - I run a lot and go to the gym. So I shouldn't feel as depressed but I do This kind of relationship can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem. There's a very good book called 'Women who Love too Much' by Robin Norwood - if you haven't come across it already you may find it helpful. Not only does it explore the kind of scenario you're describing, it also offers some really useful suggestions as to how to deal with it. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Why don’t you want to leave? Do you think he is one day going to be what you want magically? No, I know it's not going to happen. But we have days or so that all seems to work fine, even if it's only superficial and deep inside I am not happy, those moments give me hope that at least we may have what we used to have again.. with time and if we both care enough to work on it. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 ...and also I probably don't know when to draw the line and can't decide if this is something that's not worth fighting for or not. When he hurts me and makes me cry I feel like it's not worth it... but then when emotions go down, I'm not that angry at him any more and just keep forgiving him. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 This kind of relationship can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem. There's a very good book called 'Women who Love too Much' by Robin Norwood - if you haven't come across it already you may find it helpful. Not only does it explore the kind of scenario you're describing, it also offers some really useful suggestions as to how to deal with it. Thank you, will check it out. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 No, I know it's not going to happen. But we have days or so that all seems to work fine, even if it's only superficial and deep inside I am not happy, those moments give me hope that at least we may have what we used to have again.. with time and if we both care enough to work on it. You and him want different things and you are at different stages of life. Love and endless forgiveness won’t fix this. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 But how do I do it? I feel so weak, I can't leave him. And I'm sacred tat no one else will love me and that I won't fall in love again. And most of all, that I will never be happy again. .....But it's being with him that is making you miserable beyond words. You are crying every single day because of him. He doesn't love you and he is emotionally abusing you. What you fear....I mean.....for as long as you stay with him you ARE living your fears right here and now. If you want to stop this misery, if you want love, if you want marriage, if you want a family....you have got to get rid of this man. You will never have anything with him but fear and misery and loneliness. He offers nothing else to you. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 .....But it's being with him that is making you miserable beyond words. You are crying every single day because of him. He doesn't love you and he is emotionally abusing you. What you fear....I mean.....for as long as you stay with him you ARE living your fears right here and now. If you want to stop this misery, if you want love, if you want marriage, if you want a family....you have got to get rid of this man. You will never have anything with him but fear and misery and loneliness. He offers nothing else to you. So why can't I find the strength to leave? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 So why can't I find the strength to leave? Vicious circle I'm afraid... being in a relationship like this saps your energy and self-esteem, so you don't have the strength to move on - which saps your energy and self-esteem and so on... Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Vicious circle I'm afraid... being in a relationship like this saps your energy and self-esteem, so you don't have the strength to move on - which saps your energy and self-esteem and so on... So how do I get out of that vicious circle? I do want to be happy but really can't find that strength in me to leave. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 So how do I get out of that vicious circle? I do want to be happy but really can't find that strength in me to leave. The book I recommended will help... Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 The book I recommended will help... OK, will start on it tonight then. Thanks. Please tell me I can make it, I really need to hear that someone believes in me even if I don't think I can get over it right now. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 OK, will start on it tonight then. Thanks. Please tell me I can make it, I really need to hear that someone believes in me even if I don't think I can get over it right now. Of course you can; just be gentle with yourself and keep going "one day at a time". Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 OK, will start on it tonight then. Thanks. Please tell me I can make it, I really need to hear that someone believes in me even if I don't think I can get over it right now. You can my darling , you can have the life you want, you can have your fairy princess wedding , you can have babies and you can have happiness .....you have to just take that first step away from him xx nut and vic ..some sound advice going on there xxx Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 You can my darling , you can have the life you want, you can have your fairy princess wedding , you can have babies and you can have happiness .....you have to just take that first step away from him xx nut and vic ..some sound advice going on there xxx Thank you for your kind words, I really need some positivity now. All I want is to be happy again, I want to be that full of live and happy person I used to be before all those issues between us started. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 He actually just came home now with flowers and said he felt bad for our argument. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 He actually just came home now with flowers and said he felt bad for our argument. That's nice. Does he now want to marry you and start a family with you? Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 That's nice. Does he now want to marry you and start a family with you? No Didn't think about that Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 No Didn't think about that OK so that tells me a lot about your priorities - be careful about telling yourself how much you want marriage and a potential family - evaluate whether deep down you want that badly enough to do the work/put in the effort to reach that huge goal. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 He actually just came home now with flowers and said he felt bad for our argument. Another tactic. You still won’t be happy ,you still won’t be marrying him ,you still won’t be having kids with him and you probably still won’t be buying a home so really no point and the flowers that’s just a delay tactic . Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 This all sounds like it is grounded in his changing his mind about marrying you and having children with you. Everything else is just a symptom of that. If you are not a big part of his life (it doesn't look like it to me) and he doesn't want what you want then why continue any longer? It will just get worse as your resentment increases and he gets more and more frustrated that you are not happy with him. He isn't going to change his mind back so that means you need to decide if you want to give up on your desire to have children and be married or end this relationship and get on with your life so you can meet someone that wants what you want. You really should have ended it as soon as you found out he no longer wanted to have children with you. He may never have had any intention of having more children... Lost Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 It's not just marriage and children. He doesn't even include her fully in his life like normal people would. He leaves her alone while he goes to be with his children and ex wife during the holidays. He will jump at his ex's beck and call and drop the OP like nothing. There is just so much wrong with the whole entire picture..... OP, do you really think that some flowers makes up for everything that you are missing out on in this "relationship" you have with him? I put relationship in quotes because.....it's hardly a relationship at all. He treats you like a convenience and really, the only reason he brought you flowers if because he knows good and well that finding another woman to tolerate this kind of nonsense will be next to impossible. Your only value to him is that you are willing to put up with what really shouldn't be tolerated. Please, please stop lying to yourself that anything about this is worth it. Wouldn't you rather get flowers from a man because he is happy and he loves you and he wanted to make you happy instead of "oops I think my convenient arrangement might call it quits, so I better appease the dumb broad so she sticks around longer". Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 I feel so lost. I know you are right and that he doesn't really care about me, at east not for the right reasons, but I still feel like it is my fault and that if only I wasn't insisting n those things, it would be better between us I keep blaming myself for this relationship not working Link to comment
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